Batteries Not Included: A Romantic Comedy

by Christa Lynn

  “What was that noise?” she asks, her eyebrows raised and a sleepy smirk on her face.

  “What noise?” I play stupid and feign innocence.

  “What’s that behind your back?” she asks, walking into my bedroom.

  “Don’t you know how to knock?” I say, pushing the toy back under my table.

  “Let me see your hands,” she barks. So, I show her my hands, and they’re empty, but she hunkers down and spots the shiny egg-shaped apparatus resting comfortably under the table.

  “Is that your vibrator?” she asks, reaching under and pulling it out.

  “Oh God, Sarah. Don’t touch it! You don’t know where it’s been!” I cry out, embarrassed.

  “Relax, Shelby. I’ve seen one before. Just not one … this … small?” She laughs. “Were you about to attempt to get yourself off with this?” She smirks, shaking it at me.

  “Of course not, I dropped it,” I lie.

  “Well, this little ole thing ain’t gonna get the job done.” She giggles again. I’m totally mortified, even though Sarah is my best friend. This isn’t actually something we talk about. “What’s got you so wound up? Could it be the sexy EMT that showed up here last night?”

  “Who? Oh, no … Are you kidding me?”

  “What? He’s hot, and he tends to keep showing up around you.”

  “Oh, please, he brought my glasses back. That’s it.”

  “Yeah, and he rescued you from your accident.”

  “And? He’s an EMT, he was just doing his job.”

  “Well, I don’t think ‘returning items to patients’ are part of his job. He’s smitten with you.”

  “Smitten? What are we, fifteen?”

  “Oh, come on, Shel. What could it hurt?” she asks, and now I’m confused.

  “What could what hurt?”

  “Oh, I dunno, he shows up and suddenly your scurrying around for your vibrator.”

  “That has nothing to do with him,” I lie again. “I dropped it, I told you.”

  “Sure, but you want to fuck him.”

  “No, I don’t! Are you crazy?”

  “I saw your eyes last night when he was here, all glassy.”

  “I have a concussion. One of the symptoms of a concussion is glassy eyes, Sarah,” I smart back at her.

  “Right, okay. Well, first things first. We need to get you a real vibrator.”

  “What? No, Fred is good enough for me.”

  “You named your vibrator Fred?” She laughs, tears now streaming down her face. “Good Lord, Shelby. You really do need to get laid. And I mean really laid … not some quick Jill off with a pink vibrator, if you can really call this a vibrator,” she says as she presses the on button and Fred comes to life.

  I snatch the toy from her, turn it off, and tuck it back into my drawer. “Okay, enough with sex toy talk. I need coffee,” I say, trying to change the subject.

  “Well, this isn’t over.”

  “Yes, hell it is. Let it go.”

  “Not on your life, Shelby. Not on your life.”

  I ignore her and head to the kitchen and turn on the coffee pot, filling the filter with fresh grounds and adding water, wishing I’d done this last night so I’d already have coffee. I stand over the pot waiting, watching the dark liquid fill the carafe and the smell filling the air. I take a deep breath and inhale the eye-opening aroma, suddenly feeling like I’m in a Maxwell House commercial.

  The first part of waking up … Wait, that’s Folger's. I grab two mugs down from the cabinet and pull the cream out of the fridge. Sarah likes hers blacker than midnight, but I have to have milk and sugar. I start putting sugar in my mug, and I feel Sarah stroll in behind me. “Damn, care for some coffee with your sugar?”

  “Shut up.” This morning has already started out strange, and until I get caffeinated, I can’t move forward. We fill our mugs and sit down at the table, sipping our coffee quietly. We both struggle with waking up, but our eyes keep meeting, and finally, we both burst out laughing.

  “Glad you’re feeling better,” Sarah says as she sets her cup down.

  “My head still hurts a little, but yeah … I feel better.”

  “Though Miss Puss doesn’t, eh?” She smirks.

  “Miss Puss is just fine,” I lie again. Damn, if it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any at all.

  “Well, there’s a Dick-Fil-A store downtown. We can head down there later if you want.”

  “A who?” I respond, spewing my coffee all over the table.

  “Dick-Fil-A, it’s an adult novelty store.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” I ask, my coffee mug halfway to my lips.

  “No, not kidding. They have amazing things to get you off, unlike Fred back there,” she says as she nudges her head in the direction of my room.

  I ignore that last line, not wanting any part of this conversation anymore.”

  “Actually, I need to call the insurance company and get a rental car. I have a big presentation next week, and I need to get to work on it.”

  “Fuck that, Shel. It’s Saturday, and you were just in a car accident. Michelle can handle the presentation next week. Or you can reschedule, I’m sure your client will understand.”

  I ponder that thought for a second. A few days off would be nice. “Let’s go to the beach today, just relax in the sun and drink beer all day. After we go down to Dick-Fil-A.” She snickers. “Then I can bring you home and let you have at it.”

  “Oh, God, Sarah. You’re kidding, right?”

  “Oh, God is right, that’s what you’ll be crying out so loud your neighbors will hear.”

  “That’s all I need,” I groan.

  “Yes, you do need it. But, while a good Jill is great, you really need a man to scratch that itch. Maybe we can find you one at the beach. Tan skin, rippled abs, muscular thighs …” She sighs.

  “Are we going to the beach to find me a man or get you one?”

  “Oh, I can get a man anywhere,” she brags. “We’re hunting for you today since all you can think about is Fred.”

  “Fred gets the job done when he’s needed.”

  “Well, you need a man.”

  “You keep saying that, Sarah. I don’t need a man. Nor do I want one.”

  “I’m not talking about anything serious. Just a one-night stand, get your rocks off and send him on his way.”

  “You know I’m not like that.”

  “Boy do I, but it’s time you changed.”

  “Sarah—”

  “I’m going to run home, shower, and change. I’ll be back around ten to get you, and we’ll head off. Be ready,” she says as she grabs her keys and unlocks the deadbolt.

  “I still need to get a rental car, Sarah.”

  “So, take care of that, and we’ll pick it up on the way back from the store. Then I’ll drive us to the beach.”

  “I don’t have a bathing suit,” I say, hoping that will change her mind.

  “Then we stop and get one of those too. We’ll make a day of it. Now scoot! Get yourself in the shower and get ready, I’ll be back soon,” she says, and she’s gone before I have the chance to argue with her anymore.

  “Great, it’s gonna be a good day.” I sigh sarcastically. All I wanted to was to lie around and recover from the wreck, but she’s all about me getting laid, which isn’t going to happen. Not today, not tomorrow … not ever. I just wish she’d get that through her thick head. But she did give up her big evening to take care of me last night, so I’ll humor her.

  I sit quietly and finish my coffee before grabbing cup number two. I honestly don’t know how she functions with only a half cup. Maybe that’s why she drinks it black—maybe it works faster. I pick up her cup and take a sip and spit it right back into the cup. “Nope,” I say as I go back to my light brown beverage, the steam rising from the cup.

  I know I need to get in the shower because I know she’s coming back. I think maybe I’ll just leave and when she comes back, I’ll be gone. But I can’t, da
mn, I have no car. Which reminds me …

  I grab my laptop and open it and pull up my insurance company information. I start reporting my claim online, and they ask for the location of my car. “Fuck, I don’t know where it is,” I say, opening up another window to search for local tow yards and I grab my cell. I finally find my car on the third try and finish filing my claim. By the end, I have a reservation for a rental car and a claim number. Hopefully, it won’t take them long to settle this so I can buy a new car.

  At least I have wheels now, only I have no way to go get them. I have no choice but to wait on Sarah to get back so she can take me, but I’m going to do what I can to get out of this sex toy shop visit. I can only imagine the eyes on two women as they walk into this store alone. But I know I’m not getting out of it, so I finally shower and throw on some shorts and a baggy t-shirt that says, “Life is better in flip flops.” Then I throw in my contacts and put my glasses in their case, stuffing it into my backpack. I also toss back some ibuprofen and then flop on the sofa to wait for Sarah, crossing my fingers that she’ll be late like she usually is.

  But no, not today. At precisely ten o’clock, she knocks on my door. And the only reason she knocks is that it’s locked. I sit there for a second and laugh, but I don’t make her suffer long.

  “Shelby? Open the door!” she hollers out, a little more panicked than I like. I open the door, and she’s standing there in a knee-length, white gauzy beach cover up and silver flip-flops. “Geezus, you scared me. I thought maybe …”

  “Oh, stop, I'm all right.” I open the door, and she sashays in like this day is all about her.

  “You ready?” she asks, eyeing me up and down. “No, clearly you aren’t. Come on,” she says, tugging me down the hall.

  “Yes, I’m ready,” I say, and she stops.

  “We’re going to the beach.”

  “And? I have on shorts and a t-shirt. That’s good enough.”

  “No bathing suit?”

  “I told you I don’t have one.”

  “Right, then let’s go get you one.”

  “No, no bathing suit. I’m good with what I have on.”

  “Oh, for Pete’s sake, Shelby. Live a little! A bikini isn’t going to hurt you. You have a smoking hot body, and you need to show that off a little.”

  “Smoking hot? Come on, Sarah. That’s a little over the top.”

  “What? You’ve got that lean runner’s body, Shel. You need to stop covering it up.”

  “Gosh, will you ever stop?” I ask her.

  “Not in this lifetime. Let’s go.” I grab my backpack and her eyes squint. “And we’re getting you a new purse. That piece of shit has gotta go.”

  “I like my bag, Sarah.”

  She shakes her head at me as I follow her out the door and lock it up then climb in her Challenger and buckle up for the ride.

  Chapter 5

  Sarah lowers the windows and revs the engine at the first red light we come to. Being this close to the coast, the breeze is almost constant even if it is hot. I close my eyes and breathe in the salty air, mainly because Sarah scares the shit out of me with her driving. “How did you ever get a license?” I ask her as she takes a corner a little wider than she should have.

  “Relax, Shel.”

  “Relax? I just wrapped my green bean around a tree, and now you’re driving like a bat out of hell, and you tell me to relax? Where are we going anyway? I thought we were going to the mall to get me a bathing suit,” I ask, hoping she’s forgotten all about the sex toy shop.

  When I see the bright pink Dick-Fil-A sign sparkling in the sunlight, I realize she didn’t forget about it. Fuck my life. She whips into a parking space and jumps out, but I’m left sitting in the car staring at the building, which is actually classy. I expected some rundown, cheaply-built and cheesy place that would actually make my skin crawl. Particularly with a name like Dick-Fil-A. But no, this place is surrounded by mirrored glass and white stucco. “This is a sex toy shop? I thought it was a strip club.”

  “Strip club is around back, we’re going in front where the goodies are.”

  “Oh, boy, I can’t wait,” I groan sarcastically as I get out of the car. “You do realize I’m going inside with a black eye, right?” I say as I glance into the side mirror of her car.

  “No worries, they’ll just think you had a wild ride last night,” she says, and I stifle a laugh because she’s dead on. We walk inside, and the rush of cold air blasts against us.

  “Are they trying to de-lice us as we walk in? Geezuz,” I say, the air conditioning blowing like a hurricane at the entrance. I step inside and take in my surroundings; wall to wall dildos, vibrators, and other things I’ve never even seen before. “What the …?” I ask as Sarah tugs my hand and pulls me to the back wall. “You’ve been here before I take it,” I groan as I follow her through the store feeling like all eyes are on us. They probably think we’re lesbians looking for a double donger or something.

  “Here.” She hands me this thing that I can’t even describe.

  “What in the fuck is this?” I ask as I hold it in my hand like it’s going to bite me.

  “It’s a rabbit.”

  “A what?”

  “A rabbit. The head thrusts like a real cock, the little band of beads spin around, and these are for your clit.”

  “That’s sensory overload.”

  “Yes, that’s why you need one.”

  “I don’t need that, Sarah. Put it back,” I say as I walk the wall and stare at things I can’t even believe people use. Fuzzy handcuffs, feathers, long plastic things with fringe on it. I stop when something catches my eye. I look around the store to make sure no one is watching me before I pick it up and eye it suspiciously.

  “That’s a G-spot vibrator,” she says, smirking.

  “Oh, right, because the G-spot is real huh?” I say putting it back.

  “You mean to tell me …”

  “Stop right there, we aren’t discussing this here.”

  “What better place?”

  “Can I help you ladies?” a deep male voice comes from behind us.

  “Yes,” Sarah says at the same time I say no. My face heats up, and I groan knowing Sarah is about to open her big mouth.

  “What are you guys looking for? The double …”

  “Stop, we are not lesbians,” I tell the man as I walk away. I don’t need this.

  “I’m sorry, okay then what exactly are you looking to accomplish?” he asks, a sparkle in his eye. He’s cute but young and naturally horny.

  “Nothing really, just looking,” I say as I make my way to the other side, where the smaller vibrators and dildos are. This is more my pace.

  “Are you looking for G-spot or clitoral stimulation?” he continues.

  “I’m not looking for anything in particular, just … looking.”

  “Shelby, come look at this!” Great, way to tell this young hornster what my name is. I walk over to her, she hands me a pair of remote control vibrating panties. “Gosh, this would be fun.” She smiles.

  “Knock yourself out,” I say as I walk back toward the mini bullets.

  “No, this is for you. You’re going to put these on under the sexy bikini we’re going to buy you, and I’m going to control it while we lay out in the sun scoping dudes.”

  “The hell you are,” I say, borderline disgusted.

  “Oh, come on Shel, it’ll be fun.”

  “Right,” I say as I pick up a dildo that’s purple and shiny metal. I turn it on, and the vibrations rumble through my wrist. “This is it,” I say as I put it back and grab a new one in the box, because … ew.

  “We’ll take this too,” Sarah says as she hands the guy the vibrating panties.

  “Right.” He smirks.

  “God, you are so …”

  “What, Shel? What am I?” She winks as she grabs that rabbit thingy and follows the clerk to the register. She whips out her credit card and pays for the whole thing before I can even get my wallet
out of my backpack.

  “See? Another reason why you need an actual purse, not that grungy thing.”

  “I like this grungy thing.”

  “Well, it’s not feminine.”

  “I’m not feminine,” I retort.

  “Sure you are, or you will be by the time I’m done with you.”

  “What is this, Makeover Shelby Day?” I snark.

  “No, it’s make Shelby Feel Sexy So She Finds herself a Real Man Day.”

  “You’ve lost it.”

  “Can’t lose what you never had. Come on, Shel, live a little. I’ll press the button on these panties whenever I see a hot dude, that’ll get your attention.”

  “I can’t believe you’re my best friend,” I whine.

  “You love me.” She winks.

  “Fine, but no bikini. If you’re going to force me to wear this,” I say as I pick up the tiny underwear with my pinky, then they’ll go on under my shorts.

  “Deal,” she squeals. Oh, my God, I can’t believe I just agreed to this. “You’re going to be so wound up that you’ll have no choice but to find a hot dude to fuck.”

  “Come on, Sarah,” I say with a sigh. She’s ruthless and getting on my nerves. But I know I’ll never hear the end of it if I don’t play along. All I have to do is conveniently forget to put the battery in the crotch, and we’ll be good. I imagine it won’t take her long to figure out that I’ve fooled her, but she’ll get over it. The thought that my best friend is going to be controlling that thing has me a bit irritated, so this will be my payback.

  We take our bags and leave as quickly as we came in, Sarah with a big old smile on her face.

  “Now let’s head to the beach,” she says as she whips her car out into traffic and out toward Folly Beach. I love living in Charleston as it’s only about a twenty-minute drive to the ocean, but I don’t get to go as much as I’d like. “Let’s eat first, and you can change in the bathroom.”

  Damn it, she’s still on that. We go into a little dive bar and grab a burger and beer, though I only manage to eat about four bites. Once the check is paid she nudges her head toward the bathroom. “Go on,” she tells me.