by Thomas Gomez
“I knew it. I should have never told you!” I was so upset I tried not to yell. The tears had won the battle. It was one thing to know that my feelings would never be mutual, but it was another to be rejected after confessing them to someone I’d expect to be understanding.
“Henry don’t-”
“What am I supposed to do? Pretend that this doesn’t keep happening? Pretend that I don’t have these feelings or like you have no clue? Well guess what Jonathan, I can’t keep pretending anymore! It’s killing me to sit here doing this when everyone other than you knows how miserable I am! You have no idea the toll this takes on me do you?” It was obvious I was outraged because I never called him by his full name.
I didn’t want to be stuck in the same endless loop forever. Loving someone that will never love me back was hard. Can love truly exist on a one way street? I don’t believe it can.
“Henry, please, calm down!” He seemed upset, but I was too angry to care.
I got up from my chair and dashed out of the diner. I was crying so much that I couldn’t breathe normally. I wanted to run. Run far away and never look back, but I knew it wouldn’t solve anything, it was childish.
I wanted to stay friends with John, I really did. But I can’t stay in a friendship that would constantly cause me pain. It’s hard to stay strong when your weakness is the person you’re trying to stay strong for.
As I was walking down the street I heard John call my name. I was still too upset to look back at him, so I kept walking. He caught up with me, grabbed my arm and turned me around.
“Henry, wait!”
“What am I waiting for? For you to finally say you like me back? I’ve waited long enough John! I’m done with this.” I turned and began walking. Then he said something I couldn’t believe.
“What if I told you, you were getting close?” I stopped in my tracks. “What if I told you that all you had to do was wait a few more days so I could think about it? Maybe I have thought about it but I just wasn’t absolutely positive?” His voice was cracking.
“Would you be lying?” I questioned, harsh and even toned.
There was a long moment of silence.
“Why would you say something like that and not even mean it; do you understand how that makes me feel?” I cried so heavily I almost couldn’t continue speaking. It hurt to know that he’d lie so openly about something like that. He knew how I felt yet he chose to play with my emotions anyway.
“What am I supposed to do Henry? I can’t lose you. I don’t even know how we got here. I don’t know what happened. We were so good together, best friends. Now look at us. I thought we were doing okay and I thought we’d always be friends. I mean that was the plan right?” He grew more frantic as he spoke, tears overwhelming him. “I just want to be here with you. Right here by your side, but I can’t do it the way you want me to.
“You’re just all that matters. You’re all that matters to me and I’m trying to do the right thing but I don’t know what that is. I am trying Henry, I really am. But I need you to tell me what the right thing is to do. I just need you to tell me because I can’t lose you. I just can’t.” He broke down into tears.
“I’m sorry John, I really am. But there’s only so much pain a man can take. Being with you, but only as friends, would just be a marathon of my life. Sure, it has it upsides but there will always be a trail of pain to follow it.” I nearly whispered and then began to walk away. I flinched as I noticed the truth behind my words.
I never heard him move and he never said a word. After that I was sure it was over. I was so upset I thought I’d never forgive him. Not after all of that. I was too hurt, plus it was the first time he’d ever lied to my face.
I walked for about an hour until I finally reached my apartment. I opened the door and stood in the doorway staring at the chair he’d sat in only hours earlier. I’d finally gotten myself to stop crying when I had reached my street and I wasn’t ready to start again. I shut the door and slowly walked through my apartment toward my bedroom. I sat my belongings down on my end table and took off my shoes.
I walked out of the bedroom and over to the bathroom. I started preparing my bath and began undressing. I thought about him sitting on that chair again as I walked out of this same bathroom in a mere towel earlier that afternoon. I felt a tear roll down my cheek and hit my arm as I reached for the bath soap. My hand was trembling as I poured it in.
I gently lay down in the tub and began to soak. I thought about everything that had happened earlier that day. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to forgive him very easily. A part of me felt bad for how I acted, and I felt the urge to call him and ask how he was doing, just like I normally would after we fought. I hated going to bed mad at anyone and usually apologized for how I acted shortly after a fight; but this time was different. I couldn’t find it in me to forgive him for what he said to me; for how he made me feel.
My mind was racing. I kept thinking I should say sorry for it all, but then began telling myself that I wasn’t the one who should be apologizing. All these thoughts were straining my mind. I began to get a headache so I shut my eyes to ease my thoughts.
I was awoken by the phone ringing distantly in the bedroom. I was in no rush to answer it so I slowly got out of the bathtub and dried myself. I put my towel around my waist and sauntered to my bedroom. I picked up my phone but it had already finished ringing. The missed call log on my phone indicated it was Cheyenne and it wasn’t the only call of hers I’d missed. She had called me six times prior to the last. I decided I’d call her back to see what she needed.
“What’s wrong with you? I’ve been trying to call you for thirty minutes!” She said as she answered the phone.
“I’m sorry; I fell asleep in the bath. What did you need?”
“I ran in to John on my way home and he was crying! I tried to ask him what was wrong but all he would say was ‘Henry and I fought and I think it’s over. I need to be alone, please.’ I want to know what happened!” She seemed very concerned.
“I told him I loved him and we got in a fight, that’s all.”
“That’s all? When you guys fight you get over it after a few minutes and neither of you end up crying. I can understand if it was you crying, but it was John, Henry! John! He hasn’t cried in the last four years I’ve known him.”
“All right fine,” I sighed heavily, “After I told him, he didn’t have anything to say. I told him I couldn’t live that way anymore and then I walked out. He came after me,” I was crying now, “and I told him we were through. He told me that he might like me back… but he was lying. I said that because he’d lie to me about something like that, that I couldn’t be around him anymore. So I left.”
“So is this really it? Are you just going to end it like this?”
“I guess so; it makes it easier on the two of us. I won’t have to suffer and he won’t have to worry.” I wiped the stream of tears off my cheek.
“What? You can’t be serious! You can’t just end a seven year friendship like this! Yeah, so what if he lied about that; you know the real John would never do anything that bad to hurt you. Actually he’d never do anything to hurt you at all! He was hurt and scared and he acted on impulse. Henry you can’t just give up like this.”
“Well, I don’t think I can be around him anytime soon. It’s just not a good time, and quite frankly I’m not sure when will be the right time again.”
“Henry-” I interrupted.
“I’ve got to go Cheyenne… I’m sorry, and you can tell John what I said.”
I hung up the phone and sat there quietly staring. Everything was going wrong. I gave up on my best friend and I couldn’t even hold a conversation with the other. What was I going to do? Everything I knew was changing so fast and I couldn’t control it. I looked at the time and it was only six in the evening, but I already felt so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open.
I slipped on a fresh pair of boxers, took off my towel and hung it in the bathr
oom. I headed back to the bedroom and shut the curtains since the sun had unfortunately still been shining through. I lie in bed and shut my eyes. I caught a glimpse of John’s face and felt a tear roll down my cheek once again. I softly cried for a few minutes but was interrupted by sleep.
Our first
It had been about three weeks since the last time we had spoken. I never thought it would last that long, but it did. He was my absolute best friend and I couldn’t believe I just left him like that. I guess that was the end of it all. He hadn’t tried to call me, and I simply wasn’t ready to call him. At that point it seemed that only time can tell.
Even though I wasn’t ready to talk to him, I had been asking Cheyenne to check in on him for me and make sure he was doing okay. I’d actually been kind of worried. She said he was fine but I couldn’t bring myself to believe her. We hadn’t been apart since we met, so I figured it must have been hurting him as much as it was hurting me. It wouldn’t be a lie to say that I felt like I’m nothing without him. After the first week I tried talking to him. I sat in my car outside of his apartment building for about half an hour. But then I decided I wasn’t ready, and I left.
I called Cheyenne.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Cheyenne,” I answered.
“Hey Henry, what’s up? You okay?”
“Yeah, I just don’t feel so-” I looked up at my door from the couch where I was sitting. My hands seemed to tense as I was interrupted at the sound of a fist beating against my door. Someone was here although I couldn’t figure out who it would be. I haven’t had company in a long while and I didn’t expect it to be John. I walked over to the door and inhaled deeply before I opened it.
“Henry? Are you still there?” Cheyenne asked.
I stood there silently, frozen with disbelief. I couldn’t believe it was really him, the one person I would have never suspected to be standing in my doorway. “I‒I’ll talk to you later.” I spoke slowly in astonishment. I was absolutely shocked to see John just feet before me after so long. I didn’t want to say something out of line, but hadn’t I already crossed that line the last time we spoke? I stood there quietly, shuffling through my thoughts. After a long awkward moment he was able to squeeze out an intimidated greeting.
“Hi…,” he said cautiously.
“Umm… why don’t you come in, maybe we should talk…”
“Okay,” he answered.
We walked over to the living room and we both sat down opposite each other. I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t think he did either. After a minute of silence, that actually felt like an eternity, he spoke.
“I’m extremely sorry! I never meant to hurt you. I was put on the spot and I just wanted you to stay. It’s only been three weeks and I feel like I’m going crazy! I never thought we’d be apart for so long! Can you please find it in your heart to forgive me?”
I waited for a moment before I answered, thinking of what the future held in store for us. “I don’t know. I’ve really been thinking about it, but I'm too scared I’ll get hurt again. I've had to live with knowing that I’ll never get to be with you for so long! How can I live like that again? I see you take all kinds of women home and that hurts. I'm just not sure if I'm ready for that again, that constant knowing that I will never be good enough. The staying up at night wondering what life could be if we were together. That’s a pain that I’m not sure I’m ready for.” I fought back the tears and attempted to stay strong; to keep it together so he wouldn’t have to worry about me.
“Henry, please! I can’t live life without you, but I also can’t give you what you want. I really am sorry but I'm not that kind of guy. There honestly isn’t a thing I can do about that.”
I took a moment before speaking. I attempted to choose my words carefully.
“Well then I'm not sure I can be friends with you and continue to feel that kind of pain. It’s just not easy for me and I feel like you don’t understand that.”
“I’ll do anything Henry, please! I don’t know how much longer I can take-” I cut him off mid-sentence.
“I need to think. Just go home and if I feel I can do this then I’ll call you, but I can’t promise you anything.”
“Henry…”
“Please…” I spoke with tears beginning to fill my eyes, “Just go…” I spoke softly, defeated, as the pain won the battle and I began to tear.
He stared blankly at me for a moment then spoke. “Okay…”
I stared toward the window as he walked out of the room. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do anymore. Nothing seemed right. Separating isn’t what either of us ever wanted. Although staying his friend and continuing to get hurt is another thing I didn’t want. I couldn’t come to a final decision. I wanted to call Cheyenne and ask of her opinion, except I knew she’d tell me to take him back without even thinking it completely through.
It was around eight o’clock at night. It wasn’t very late, though I felt defeated by the pain and tears and I had decided to head to bed. I curled up beneath my blanket and laid there in the dark. I kept thinking about everything we had been through the last few weeks. The pain was becoming unbearable, almost as if a whole were ripping through my chest, and it wouldn’t allow me to sleep. After a few hours of pain and tears, I managed to fall asleep.
The next morning I woke up, about thirty minutes before the sun rose, gasping for air. Tears poured down my cheeks and I was in pure shock at what my dream had depicted. That previous night had been the very first time I had ever dreamt of something horrific happening to John.
We were on our way home from a great night out together. John was driving and I was in the passenger seat. We laughed and smiled, perfectly content. The radio was playing our favorite song and the moment felt comfortable. We were back to our normal selves, as if none of the fighting had ever happened. I looked up and noticed that the clock on John’s dashboard read eleven fifty-nine. I didn't understand the importance of it, it seemed so insignificant.
We were on our way to my apartment when a cargo truck had run a red light and knocked our car off the road. I screamed for John, never hearing a response. Everything went dark. I couldn’t feel or see anything, but I suddenly found myself wandering a dark abyss. I yelled and ran in circles, frantically searching for John. I was scared of what happened to him. I refrained from the thought of his death and focused on finding him. I grew more anxious by the second. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I just kept running.
I wandered for what felt like an eternity and then a bright white light flashed before me. As my eyes adjusted to the new environment, I realized I was in a hospital room. I was lying in a bed with several medical cords and monitors connected to me. The room was dim and I could see a light emanating from a small window on the door.
At the foot of my bed were all kinds of flowers and cards. I was confused, I didn't understand what was going on so I sat up and reached forward to examine one of the cards. The front had a heart on it and stated that it was sent by Cheyenne. I opened it to find what I had refused to believe in the first place. The card read, “I’m sorry for your loss Henry. We all love you so much and no matter what you’ll always have us by your side. Get well soon, Cheyenne.”
I was shocked by what the card stated and I grew frantic as I yelled John’s name. A nurse ran in and attempted to calm me down. I yelled louder and louder as tears began to roll down my cheeks. I could feel my body shaking and hear my voice cracking under pressure. I began to kick and scream and I could feel my muscles tense as I began to lose control. All I could hear was the yelling of the nurse and the piercing beeping of the heart monitor racing. She immediately called for help and I only seemed to grow more hysterical.
I yelled louder hoping that John would heed to my calling. My wrists began to hurt as she attempted to restrain me. I continued to kick, scream and tear. I could suddenly hear my own heart beating louder than the nurse’s yelling. Everything grew fuzzy and I realized that two male doctors had alrea
dy gotten there to assist the nurse. I could feel a freezing cold liquid rushing up my right arm as the nurse sedated me. My heart started to slow as reality began to fade.
All I wanted was to see John. I needed to know he was okay but it seemed that I wasn’t going to get that chance. Before I fell asleep I heard the nurse whisper something. I struggled to make out the words but then realized what she had said to me. ‘I’m sorry, but John is no longer with us.’ Suddenly I was sleeping.
I decided to go for a walk. I had lost myself in thought and once I reconnected to the rest of humanity, I found myself in front of John’s apartment building. I hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to do. I walked around back of the building towards the beach, and sat down in the sand. I sat there thinking to myself, still indecisive.
After about twenty minutes I stood up and turned around. I looked up to John’s bedroom window to find him staring back at me. Though his expression was hard to read from such a distance, he seemed concerned. We stared at each other for about a minute or so, and then I walked away, hoping that he wouldn’t come chasing after me. It was too much stress on me and I didn’t know what to do. I wasn't sure if I could handle all this stress on my own. Even if Cheyenne isn’t the best choice for help, I still needed her.
It was about ten in the morning when I finally called her. “Cheyenne, I need you… I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“What’s wrong? And why did you hang up on me yesterday?” She demanded.
“I‒I hung up because he came to my apartment,” I spoke hesitantly.
“Who did?” She asked as if she didn’t already know.
It took me a moment to get myself to say his name, “John.”
“What! What happened?”
“We spoke about things for a few minutes. He tried to compromise with me, but I wasn’t ready for what he wanted. He told me that he couldn’t stand living without me, and that he wanted me back as a friend. He also said that he couldn’t help it if he was straight and that nothing would ever happen between us and nothing would ever change that. I'm just not ready to go back to that. I can’t just be his friend while knowing that we’ll never be together. It just hurts too much and he can’t seem to understand that. So I told him I’d think things through and call him with an answer, but it’s too much stress. So I need your help. What should I do?”