A Minute to Midnight

by Thomas Gomez

  “Humph… that really is tough. I see what you mean about how it can be too much pain for you, but I also see how he couldn’t exactly be fine without you. In my opinion I would go back to him and see if there would be a way you guys could work things out. I mean you have been friends for seven years. Now would not be a good time to end things, especially not this way.”

  There was a short moment of silence. I wasn’t sure how to respond to that, but after a moment of shuffling through responses I finally spoke. “You know, I knew you’d say that. I just didn’t think it would be this hard. I really do miss him but how am I supposed to get him to come to a solution? No matter what solution we come to, I end up in the same friendship that I started in.

  “Maybe… In a way this is just what I want. What if I can’t live that way anymore? Maybe this is my subconscious telling me to get out while I can. Maybe it is time to end this all together?”

  There was another short silence.

  “Look, I honestly can’t say I can imagine how you feel, because I can’t; but if there is anyone in this world who has kept strong even when the light at the end of the tunnel dims out… it’s you. You’re the best fighter I've ever met, and giving up like this isn’t what a fighter does! They stay strong no matter how slim chances can be; but that’s what makes them special. They can go through some of the most challenging obstacles life has to give them and still come out with hope. Hope that one day things will be exactly how they have always dreamed.

  “Now I don’t think that you would give up that easy, would you? Because that’s definitely not the Henry I know. But I don’t mean you should come to a decision just yet. Take some time to think about everything you and John have been through, and then come to a decision. Don’t give up that easily Henry, that’s not what you do. I’ll leave you alone to think, but call me before anything happens. I don’t want you to make the wrong decision.” She hung up before I could argue.

  Those were some of the most powerful words Cheyenne has ever said. She wasn’t the kind of person to do that and she definitely wasn’t one to give motivational speeches; but was she right? Had I really stuck strong this entire time just to give up now? Is that something I would really do? How could everything change so much in such a little amount of time?

  I needed some time alone to think, so I left my apartment, and left my cell phone in my room so I wouldn’t be disturbed. I headed out to the beach, making sure to avoid the one by John’s condo. I walked to the end of a pier and sat on an old bench that overlooked the water. It was absolutely stunning. The waves were splashing hard against the pillars of the pier. I could smell the salt water and feel the wind blowing softly against my body.

  The horizon was beautifully filled with boats sailing along its side. I panned the horizon and came to see a gorgeous gray dolphin leap into the air and then graciously slide back into the clear blue waters. As I was enjoying the scenery I could hear a young couple a few yards behind me arguing. It went on for a few minutes but was interrupted by silence. I turned to notice them hugging. She apologized for whatever she had done to upset him, and just like that they forgot their troubles and went on living life.

  That moment reminded me of John and all the times we were able to do the same. I began questioning myself as to why we couldn’t do that again. Why couldn’t we just move past this like we used to? Did this inability point to the fact that I was hoping would never come? Did this in fact show that we really couldn’t be friends any longer?

  This whole situation just kept getting harder and harder. I sat there on the pier for about 2 hours. I hadn’t even noticed that much time had passed. It was the middle of the afternoon so I decided to head back home. It felt like a long drive. So much was going through my head and it was distracting me. Unable to focus on the road before me, I nearly crashed into a bicyclist. My heart pounded as my foot slammed on the breaks and my dream the night before had rushed back into my mind.

  As I drove I wondered what would have happened if it was another car rather than the bicyclist. I thought about the idea of myself not making it out of the crash alive and never getting my chance to apologize to John.

  When I got home I sat in my living room and stared out the window. It seemed like thinking was taking over my being, since I hadn’t done anything but just that. I hadn’t even been eating or drinking. The day was already half way through and I hadn’t a meal in my system. All this thinking of food was starting to make me hungry, so I decided to grab something to eat.

  I made a small meal and sat at the dining table to eat. After just two bites I lost my appetite. I threw the food in the garbage and went to take a shower. My shower passed by quickly. Sooner than I expected I was lying in bed, thinking again.

  It was about eight o'clock at night and I decided to go out to a gay bar. I wasn't sure why I went because I hated drinking, but I went in anyway. It was a bit dark inside and I couldn’t pick out details of faces. There was a stage at the back wall where they occasionally did karaoke. To the right was the bar with high brush nickel stools and a bartender that resembled a truck driver. I sat at the bar and remained silent as I listened to my surroundings.

  A short moment had already passed when a man came up to speak to me. He was about my height with a perfectly toned body and dressed in casual surfer attire. His shirt was white with a giant wave printed on it that matched his white sandals. He wore tan cargo shorts and a seashell necklace. Normally I’d be drooling over a man that appeared as he did, but I just wasn’t in the mood.

  “Hey, why do you look so down?” He questioned as he sat himself beside me.

  “I’m not really in the mood for hook ups tonight,” I said firmly.

  “I’m not looking to hook up either. I’m just a curious soul who happened to walk by and see you upset.”

  “I’m sorry; I’m not exactly feeling like myself today. I just have a lot on my mind and I’m not sure how to deal with it all.”

  “Do you want someone to talk to? I’m a pretty good listener,” he said half smiling.

  “I don’t know it’s really just a bunch of crap. I don’t want to bore you with my life story.”

  “Like I said, I’m a good listener.”

  “All right, I’ll try to shorten it.” I said attempting to smile through my pain filled expression. “I have this friend… his name’s John. We’ve been friends since high school and we’ve never had any problems together. He’s straight but I’m gay, and ever since we became friends I’ve been head over heels for him. He knows that I like him and it gets a little tricky at times to ignore that.

  “We’ve recently come to a bump in the road and got in to a huge argument over my liking him. We hadn't spoken to each other for about three weeks. But after those three weeks he gave in and came to my apartment to get me back. It led to another argument and I felt like he didn’t understand my half of the predicament so I asked him to leave. That was yesterday and I spoke to one of my closest friends about it and she thinks that I should go see him and work out a compromise. But before he left he told me that nothing would change the fact that he is straight. So now I’m not sure what to do. It’s too painful to just sit and watch, especially when there’s not a fighting chance,” I spoke the last few words quietly.

  “Well I’m not an expert in these sorts of things but maybe you should try working something out. Maybe this isn’t really worth losing such a close friend.”

  It was quiet for a moment, besides the music blasting from the rave going on behind us.

  “I know that would be the right thing to do but something’s telling me not to do it. I’m just scared and-” he cut me off.

  “Maybe that’s your problem! You’re just scared. Why don’t you try being a little brave rather than run away from something so important?”

  I wasn’t sure what to say to that. I wanted to be brave for the sake of our friendship but at the same time I knew it probably wouldn’t end well if I did.

  “Maybe you should think
about that for a while…” he continued, “Here’s my number if you ever need someone to talk to again.” he handed me a business card with the title STARZ Modeling written across the top.

  “Thanks, I really do appreciate it.”

  “You’re welcome, and by the way, my name’s Hans.”

  “I’m Henry…” I spoke seeming distracted, my voice fading away. I slowly started to lift off my seat as I noticed someone strangely familiar across the room. “Umm, I’ve got to go. But thanks a lot maybe we can meet up sometime,” I spoke the words seeming detached as I began to walk away.

  I saw a man across the room hanging out with another guy who somewhat resembled Hans. The man I had my eye on was turned the other way but with the little I could see of him I felt like I had known him. I thought that maybe it could be John but he would never set foot in a bar like this unless I was holding him captive. I walked slowly towards the couple with a puzzled look consuming my expression. I wasn’t sure what to do when I reached them so just reached out and turned the man around without thinking.

  “Henry!” John shouted sounding as if he hadn’t seen me in years.

  I couldn’t figure out what he was doing here, and why he was with another guy acting as if they were a couple.

  “John! What are you doing here?” I was in absolute shock.

  “Hangin’ with ma new buddy!” he flashed the largest grin I’d seen in a while.

  “Have you been drinking?” My expression was hard but it didn’t bother to hide my confusion.

  “Not dat much,” he sounded as if he was clearly lying.

  “Look at yourself! You can’t even speak normally! You’re coming with me. We need to get you home now.”

  “But we were just gettin’ started,” he whined.

  “John I know how you are when you’re drunk, you start doing things you’d never believe and I don’t want to leave you here to do something you’d regret!”

  “But I’m havin’ fun.”

  I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him along with me.

  “Wh-where are we goin’?”

  “Home,” I sounded almost frustrated.

  I pulled him along with me as we exited the bar. I knew his car was there but I didn’t want him driving while intoxicated so I brought him to my car and laid him down in the backseat. I climbed in the driver’s seat and sat there for a moment to think. I couldn’t believe John was acting so stupid about all of this. To be at a gay bar with a man he didn’t even know and knowing how he gets when he’s drunk was just flat out stupid. This whole situation was starting to get out of hand so I had to take Hans’ advice and be brave.

  “What were you thinking? You know how you get when you drink; you stop thinking and do whatever possible to ruin your life. You could have ended up sleeping with someone in there and the both of us know that would be the last thing you’d want.”

  “Dat’s just it; I wanted to do somethin’ with a guy. I wanna know what it’s like to be in your shoes. I just thought dat maybe if I got you a little more, den I could fix us. I already knew dat I couldn’t do it sober so I had to drink. I had to know cause dat’s what I have to do to get you back. I don’t wanna lose you.”

  I was speechless. I couldn’t find a way to respond to that and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to respond at all. He just risked a lot to get me back and I wasn’t even sure if I should be happy or upset.

  “I… I…” I struggled to get my thoughts together but I couldn’t manage more than one word.

  “Don’t worry ’bout it; you don’t need to say anything.”

  The moment quickly became ill at ease and I could do nothing but turn the key in the ignition and prepare for a short drive that would feel like a lifetime. I felt terribly uncomfortable now because he had risked so much and I did nothing but sit there and watch my life slip through my fingers.

  The drive was only about ten minutes but it felt more like ten hours. John was nearly asleep in the backseat when we arrived. I wanted so badly to lie beside him and re-live the night of my birthday, but I knew I had to get him into his condo at the very least. I slowly climbed out of the driver’s seat and inched toward his car door. As I opened the door his eyes began to open and he looked absolutely adorable.

  “Are we here already?” He groaned with utter exhaustion.

  “Yes sleepy head, we’re here,” I couldn’t help but chuckle at his sudden laziness.

  “Good ‘cause your backseat is really uncomfortable.”

  “Hey! Be happy I even drove you home.”

  “I’m kidding, gosh you take everythin’ so serious,” he smiled at me mockingly.

  His extreme fatigue and intoxication made it nearly impossible for him to walk so he put his arm over my shoulder and I carried him inside. We took the elevator up to his condo and I led him inside. When we entered the front door I sat him down for a moment to pull off his shoes, and then walked him over to the bedroom. I sat him on the bed and went out to the kitchen to get him a glass of ice water.

  I returned to the room and he was passed out on the bed with his body taking up more than half of it. I sat the glass down on the nightstand and walked over to him to get him ready for bed. I knew John never slept in anything more than boxers so I decided to undress him.

  Did I use this moment as an excuse to undress him? Perhaps, but I did it anyway. I began with taking off his shirt and tossed it aside. But when I began removing his jeans he did something I’d never expect him to do.

  He grabbed my arms and pulled me down, close to his face. We were merely a few inches apart and I wasn’t sure what was about to happen.

  “Henry… please… don’t leave me without a proper goodbye,” his voice faded in and out from the exhaustion, “I did some thinkin’ in the car and I wanna be with you… I don’t just mean friends but… more.”

  I wasn’t sure what to do at this point, I could have taken my chance and done what I’ve always wanted with him or be responsible and not take him while he’s defenseless.

  “Henry…” he spoke my name so softly and beautifully that I couldn’t help myself.

  I leaned in toward him slowly and carefully, unsure of whether this was real or not. As I leaned forward I could feel his arms creeping up my back as if to embrace my body with his. The tension between us was growing but I didn’t care because this was exactly what I always wanted.

  Our lips finally met and it was the most satisfying thing I had ever felt in my life. His lips were perfectly smooth against mine and they tasted sweet rather than resembling the liquor he’d been drinking. His embrace was warm and inviting and I couldn’t hold myself back any longer. Before I knew it we had gotten carried away with the moment and he had rolled over on top of me and began to take control. In my mind I knew it was wrong because he wasn’t at his best judgment but my heart told me otherwise. One thing led to the next and before I knew it he had me undressed and under the covers.

  My heart was pounding and my blood was rushing through my body. The room suddenly felt hot like the sun and I could feel his heart pounding against my chest as he took control. His arms traveled along the lengths of my body as we kissed.

  Slowly we began to make love and suddenly it all felt right. I suddenly felt like this was where I needed to be and I wished I could be in his arms forever.

  Everything began to darken. The lights shut off. Our movement slowed. My eyes closed. My body rested. He had settled. Everything was the way it should be and I loved every second of it. Not for a moment did I think about anything but him and me together.

  My body felt weak and I needed sleep. I felt his hand grab a hold of mine and we both drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

  Pain

  Waking up next to John was something I’d wished to be routine. I’d hoped that waking next to him would be like I’d always imagined it, but it wasn’t. At first I was happy when I awoke and saw him by my side, but what came next only hurt me more than I could have imagined.

  As I awoke I co
uld feel his hand in mine. When I opened my eyes he was laying there in front of me. He looked beautiful as always. His skin, soft and smooth, more perfect than I’d remembered. His hand felt warm in mine. My bare body felt cold yet his radiated the warmth I craved. The moment felt calm, serene. I loved it and I couldn’t have been happier.

  “Good morning,” I whispered, “Sleep well?”

  He grunted quietly as I woke him. He began to shift his body in the bed and I could feel his leg lightly brushing mine. He slowly began stretching in place and his body slightly turned to face upright. His eyes peered open as he began to fully awaken. Once he was fully present I questioned him once more.

  “Feeling all right?”

  He jolted as if he hadn’t known I was in bed with him. He glanced at our hands for a moment before realizing they were intertwined. He then yanked his hand out of mine and shifted his eyes up to me. I slowly began to sit upright in the bed.

  “What are you doing here?” He questioned seeming slightly frightened.

  “What do you mean? Do you not remember last night?”

  “What?” He spoke sounding almost disgusted. “What are you talking about?”

  As he began to slide to the edge of the bed he stopped and then realized his body was bare underneath the sheets. His expression suddenly grew curious with a hint of frustration.

  “What happened last night?” As he spoke his voice began to harden.

  “Do you honestly not remember?” I stammered as I spoke, fearful of his next reaction. “What’s the last you remember of last night?”

  “Not much… I was driving… I saw this bar, a gay bar, and something about it invited me in… I remember having a few drinks and then a man had come up to speak to me… after that I pretty much don’t remember anything,” he spoke slowly as he attempted to remember the past events.