by Thomas Gomez
“So… it’s all just a blur to you?” I spoke laughing ruefully.
“Yeah… pretty much… I’m guessing you were there? What happened?”
I took a deep breath before speaking. “Well I ran into you at the bar. You were pretty wasted and you were practically throwing yourself at some guy. I knew that you’d end up doing something stupid like sleeping with him since you were drunk, so I got you out of there. I drove you back here and brought you upstairs. I laid you on the bed so you could sleep, but then…” My voice began trailing off. I was scared of his reaction to what I was about to tell him.
“Wait, I think I'm starting to remember what happened,” he spoke, lost in thought. In a way I was relieved by the fact that I didn’t have to break it to him. Yet I was still afraid he would freak out about it.
“So then what happened?” I asked curiously.
“You laid me on the bed, and then began to undress me so I could sleep. And then…” He froze in astonishment. “You…wait… you slept with me?” He stammered as his voice grew with disgust. “I may have been the one to offer, but I was drunk! You… you took me while I was drunk, I was defenseless! I can’t believe you’d do something like that,” his tone was quickly overruled with anger and disgust.
“I’m sorry… I don’t know what I was thinking, I…” My voice was trembling as I fought back the tears.
“I have never felt so betrayed, so violated!” He was yelling now as he couldn’t control his rage. He struggled to look me in the eye as he got up and walked into the closet. I could hear him almost start to cry as his rage began to engulf his body. He walked back out with boxers on and attempted to calm himself. I could see the tears beginning to fill his eyes.
His voice trembled as he tried to speak, “How could you do something so… so degrading?” He was beginning to yell again and I shuddered at the words he was saying. He began to pace, frustrated beyond normality.
I didn’t know what to do at this point. All I could do was cry. I could feel my heart beating faster, frightened. I listened as he reprimanded me.
He stopped and placed his hands on the wall next to the closet. “Of all of the stupid things you have done, this one has to be the worst,” he paused momentarily. “I trusted you, Henry. I trusted you as my friend, but friends don’t do things like this. They look out for each other.” His rage was building up and his muscles began to tense. He began to yell again. “Damn it Henry, how could you do this to me?”
He let out all his rage and frustration on the wall in front of him. He punched a gaping hole into the wall and paused for a moment to register what he’d done. Without acknowledging the hole in the wall, he slowly pulled his hand out and let it fall to his side, never looking up.
I had never witnessed him so mad before. He was always able to control himself better than this. That’s how I knew he was truly hurt. I continued to cry as I endured every ounce of John’s rage. It hurt more than anything I’d ever felt before. I could feel a hole ripping through my chest as he yelled. My heart paced faster and my head began to spin.
He stood there staring at the floor, his body perfectly still. His back was turned to me as he was facing the door. After a moment he finally spoke, slowly and quietly, “I was drunk, Henry… you practically raped me.” He slowly began to turn towards the glass door that led to the balcony. He kept his head staring to the ground as he walked slowly. He walked through the door, out onto the balcony. He sat down on the chair and stared out into the ocean.
I was stunned by his choice of words. I couldn’t believe he had compared my actions to those of rape. Hearing his words was like taking a dagger to the heart, maybe even worse. The hole in my chest grew larger, more excruciating. The pain became unbearable and my body began to numb.
After a moment I carefully slid out of the bed and put on my clothes, still crying only slightly more calm. As I grabbed my belongings I turned to look at John. He was like a statue, frozen in place. I let my head fall to the ground as I walked toward the exit. I paused for a moment before walking out the front door.
I finally got to my car outside in the parking lot. My hand was trembling so much that it took me a moment to unlock the car door. I climbed inside the driver’s seat and took a moment to register all that had just happened. My heart began to race as rage began to overpower me. I grew so mad that I slammed my hand against the steering wheel. I was so mad at myself that I hadn’t realized how much it hurt. I began crying again only this time I grew hysterical. I sat there crying for a few minutes before I could calm myself down.
I turned the key in the ignition as I took a deep breath to calm myself further. I backed out of the parking space carefully and drove away as I stared blankly. My mind cleared all thought except the mental image of John sitting out on the balcony. I felt much remorse for what I had done to him. He was right; I wasn’t acting like a friend by sleeping with him. It was greedy and wrong and I shouldn’t have done it. If only I could take it back. If only I could redo the whole night and prevent myself from ever sleeping with him.
Even though he’d been the one to offer I couldn’t help but blame myself. I knew what I was doing and I could have controlled myself. He wasn’t in his right mind that night and I took advantage of that. I was the one to blame, not him.
I wanted to stop driving but I didn’t want to be home. I just wanted to be alone, so I continued down the road. I wasn’t sure of where to go so I just drove until I found a place to be. I later found myself near Crest Lake Park. It seemed like a calming place to be so I parked the car and got out. I walked into the park and kept walking until I came across an inviting bench. I sat down with my legs curled up on the bench and my arms wrapped around them.
I stared at the ground for a few minutes without a single thought penetrating my mind. I felt so alone, so defenseless. Almost as if I was a frail puppy wandering the park. I was even a little scared, unable to know what John would do next. I just sat there on the bench, lifeless.
I began to plummet into what felt like a depression. I had never felt so hurt before. I was worried that this would never blow over and that this wasn’t the end of the pain. I had never seen him so hurt before. The pain grew to be unbearable and I soon realized that John probably felt the same.
I couldn’t blame him for the way he acted toward me that morning. I had betrayed him in the worst way imaginable. I knew that I would have treated him the same if the situation had been in reverse. But I knew that was never possible, because he was more loyal than I had been and he would have never done something as idiotic as that.
I continued to stare at the ground, wishing I could erase the past. I hadn’t noticed anything moving around me. I never felt a single soul walk by or even the wind blow against me. My body was numb and my mind had drifted.
I sat there for what felt like minutes only to discover it had actually been hours. When I finally looked up I noticed everything had grown dark. The street lights came on and the park cleared out. Not a single soul to be found or even a voice to be heard. All I could hear were cars driving down the nearby street. I turned to the busy street and watched the people as they went on with their lives.
No one ever stops for a moment to realize that nothing is ever set in stone. They never appreciate the finer things life has to offer until they’re gone. They never care to say a simple ‘Thank you’ or ‘I love you.’ It’s always rush, rush, rush. No one ever notices that a simple action can cause someone to leave you forever. Sometimes stopping is necessary. It’s necessary to see what you have and what you don’t, and to embrace what you do have and never let it go.
I took a moment to watch them go on before I got up. As I got up I could feel my muscles aching and my joints cracking. I hadn’t budged and inch since I sat down that morning and my body and had eventually frozen into place. My body was so numb that I couldn’t feel the pain I should have been in. I began to walk toward my car in the dark and then started to wonder what time it was. I had been sitting o
n that park bench all day and never paid any attention to the world moving about me. Never even ate a single meal.
I finally got back to my car and when I got in I couldn’t believe the time the clock showed me. It had already reached one in the morning and I never even noticed a shift in time. I realized I had missed work that day on top of not eating. I hadn’t showered and nor did I talk to anyone after John. I was letting my life slip through my fingertips and I didn’t even seem to care. I just kept going.
I began driving and before I knew it I was home. It seemed like everything went by so much faster now. I parked the car and turned off the ignition. I sat there in the silence for a moment to take a second and breathe. I took a few deep breaths before allowing myself to escape the confinement of my car. It felt good to have a day to myself. For once I felt calm, collected.
I let myself into my apartment and didn’t bother to turn on any lights. I walked through to the living room and noticed my answering machine stated I had twelve new messages. I paid no mind to it and walked on by. I walked into my bedroom and lay my things on my nightstand beside my bed. I felt too lazy to shower before bed so I simply undressed down to my boxers and curled beneath my sheets.
I laid there for a few moments as I got comfortable. I turned to face the window and I watched the moon as I began to slip into a deep sleep.
“I had so much fun tonight, John.”
“I did too; we should do this again sometime,” he smiled a half smile.
John was driving me home from the movies and our favorite song was playing on the radio. I felt comfortable and then noticed he’d grabbed my hand. He held my hand in his with such a gentle touch that it felt almost perfect. His hand was warm in mine and it all felt so right. I looked at the clock on John’s dashboard and noticed it was eleven fifty-nine.
I smiled at him and realized he was happier than I’d seen him in a while. It was all so perfect, almost too perfect. Then, as we drove through an intersection, a large cargo truck smashed into John’s side of the car. I heard him scream my name and then suddenly I couldn’t see or feel anything.
I awoke in tears, my heart pounding against my chest. That was the second time I had dreamt of something bad happening to him. The creepy thing about it was both times ended in a car accident. Only each began a slightly different way.
I sat there in my bed and took a moment to breathe. I was overwhelmed by it all and I couldn’t believe what I was dreaming. I finally crawled out of bed and walked out to the bathroom. When I walked into the bathroom I had realized that I still hadn’t showered and decided to do so. I hopped in the shower and began to lather my body with soap.
The water was warm and comfortable and I stayed in the shower for nearly forty-five minutes. Most of the time I just stood there, watching as the water slid down my body. When I was done, I climbed out and dried myself. I wrapped the towel around my body and headed out to the living room.
I realized I had to work again that day but I just wasn’t feeling well enough to go. So I decided to call in sick.
“Hey, Laura I’m sorry about not showing up yesterday. Something came up and I was unable to call in.”
“Henry you can’t afford to be missing so much, your work is doubling by the minute. Mrs. Jones already canceled her appointment she set with you to repair her old computer. Remember that appointment? You scheduled it for yesterday specifically so you wouldn’t have to reschedule again. Henry we need you to be here more and to call in ahead of time when you can’t make it.”
“I know Laura, I'm sorry. It’s just that things have been getting really hard on me lately and I feel really horrible about it all. And I'm sorry but I won’t be able to make it in again today but I promise I’ll be back in on Monday.”
“Henry… I just feel like I can’t count on you anymore. You used to be my best worker and now you don’t even show up. I’m sorry but if you miss another day within the next two weeks then I’m going to have to let you go.”
“Laura, no please-” she cut me off as I pleaded.
“I'm sorry Henry but that’s just how things have to be. I’m counting on you. Don’t make me have to fire you, please.” She sounded guilty but she knew what was right. She said goodbye, then hung up.
Not only was I letting my life slip through my fingertips but I was losing the things I needed most: nutrition, hygiene and even my job. I couldn’t let this go on any further. I needed to turn my life around but I didn’t know how.
I figured I’d start with my friends. I hadn’t spoken to any of them in weeks and I felt like I owed it to them to hang out with them at least once. I went into my room and rummaged through my closet for something to wear. As I searched I tossed clothes behind me onto my bed and floor. Normally I wasn’t like this, but I felt like I was in a hurry so I didn’t want to waste any time. Once I found something I got dressed, gathered my things and headed out the door.
I hadn’t eaten for nearly two days, so I figured I could take Cheyenne and Brittney out to breakfast.
I pulled into Cheyenne’s driveway and shut off the car. I noticed that Brittney’s car was parked here as well so it worked out perfectly so far. I walked up the driveway and knocked on the door. Brittney answered the door rather than Cheyenne. She looked at me with such curiosity, almost as if I was out of line being there.
“Hey, Brittney is Cheyenne here?”
“Hey, Henry, she’s out on the porch. She’s been real worried about you and John, she found out what happened yesterday and she’s just been so upset. She feels like it’s partially her own fault for not stopping Sam at your party.”
“Oh no, I had no idea she felt that way. Maybe I should let her know everything is okay. I don’t want her to worry too much.” I answered ruefully. I felt horrible for making Cheyenne worry about us. It was our dilemma, not hers.
“I think that’d help a lot, thanks. Go ahead out to the back.”
“Thanks, I’ll see what I can do about it.”
I walked through the entrance of the house passing through the living room. I walked by the kitchen and noticed they hadn’t yet made breakfast, just coffee. I walked out through a glass sliding door that led from the kitchen out to the backyard. Her yard was small but comfortable. She had a small porch that only allowed space for a table and two chairs. She usually sat at the table while drinking her coffee in the morning.
When I stepped outside I noticed Cheyenne was curled up in the chair drinking her morning coffee. She hadn’t much noticed I walked by her so I stood in front of her and waved my hand to signal my presence.
“Oh! Hey Henry, sorry I was just thinking. How are you?” She questioned me with much concern.
“I’m fine. How are you guys doing?” I asked as Brittney joined us.
“Henry, are you sure you’re alright? I spoke to John last night-” Cheyenne answered with concern before I cut her off.
“Don’t worry about me. Everything’s fine. I’m fine,” I smiled a clearly fake smile.
“Do you need to talk? You know we all love you and you’ll always have us by your side,” Cheyenne answered.
I shuddered at the words she spoke. There was an uncanny resemblance between her words and the words on the card she’d sent me in my dream.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. Now how about I take you ladies out to breakfast? I won’t take no for an answer so get up and let’s go,” I smirked as I ordered them.
“Alright… I suppose breakfast couldn’t hurt? Come on Cheyenne,” Brittney spoke sounding utterly confused.
We all gathered in my car and buckled our seat belts. Cheyenne sat upfront with me and Brittney sat in the back seat behind her.
“So where are we eating… how about the usual diner?” I asked politely.
“Sure, I mean you are the one that insists we eat breakfast,” Cheyenne teased.
“Oh hush, Cheyenne. Just be happy you’re getting breakfast,” I mocked jokingly.
It was a pretty silent drive considerin
g the fact I had the two most talkative people in my car. I could feel Cheyenne’s eyes staring me down most of the way there. We arrived at the diner and got out of the car without a word. We walked in and sat in a booth together, still not a sound. I picked up my menu and began reading. After a moment of reading the menu I realized they were both staring at me with curious eyes.
“What?” I asked, slightly annoyed.
“You have to feel something Henry. John, the man you’re basically in love with, just said some of the cruelest things he could have and you’re expecting us to believe you’re perfectly fine?” Brittney answered, slightly concerned.
“Look, Henry, it’s okay to be upset. We’re here for you,” Cheyenne added.
“Don’t worry about me, okay? I’ll be fine. I’ll get over it eventually. I just don’t want to sit around feeling sorry for myself while my friendships start to decay and my life goes on without me. It’s much less healthy than ignoring my feelings.”
“I don’t know Henry… It just seems like you should be showing some kind of emotion,” Brittney stated.
“Are we going to eat or are we going to keep talking about my stupid emotions?”
“Sorry Henry, gosh. We were just curious,” Brittney answered
“Ugh… I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to be so harsh. I just don’t want to think about John right now and every time you bring up my feelings it reminds me of our fight yesterday. But really, can we stop talking about it now? I’ll be sure to talk to you guys as soon as I’m ready. I just need time to process.” I spoke quietly, remorsefully.
“Absolutely Henry, just remember, we’re here for you,” Cheyenne answered.
“Thanks, it really does mean a lot to me.”
We sat in silence as we looked through our menus. The moment quickly grew uncomfortable with the silence. Finally, the waitress came to take our order. We placed our orders and I decided to break the silence as the waitress walked away.