by Thomas Gomez
“So, anything new with you guys?” I asked warily.
“Not much, we’re considering going on a vacation soon, maybe Hawaii or something,” Cheyenne answered.
“Yeah, a vacation is definitely something we need about now,” Brittney added.
“Sounds fun, when are you guys thinking about going?”
“We’re not sure yet, maybe in about a month or so.”
“Yeah, once it’s summer,” Cheyenne added.
“How long are you guys planning on staying?” I asked curiously.
“I was hoping a full week, but we might only be able to get away with four days. It’s a real bummer, I’ve wanted to go so badly and I might not even be allowed to stay for long,” Brittney answered.
“Well I hope you guys get to stay your full week, you need some peace and quiet for a while.”
It wasn’t long before the waitress came back with our food. We ate in silence for part of the time. The other half of the time they spoke about Hawaii and their jobs. They also spoke about activities they’d do there and they seemed so excited. I was happy they’d be getting away for a while. They should have time away from all the drama of my relationship with John. I hated knowing that our fighting was hurting them too. I didn’t want everyone to be suffering from this, it wasn’t fair to them.
After we finished eating we got back in my car and I wasn’t sure what we should do at the point. “What now? Did you guys want to do something together or did you want to go back home?” I asked
“Would you like to go somewhere else?” Cheyenne asked.
“Well I haven’t been to the mall in forever!”
“So then let’s go to the mall,” Brittney answered smiling.
I drove us to the nearby mall and parked by the main entrance. We climbed out and walked in together.
“Hey… what's that?” I asked curiously.
There was a large stage setup in the middle of the mall’s main entrance. There was a large crowd standing around it and lights and signs were setup to draw in attention. It appeared to be one of those advertising tactics companies normally used in malls, but I wasn’t exactly sure what for.
“I think it’s a talent competition,” Brittney answered curiously
“Hmm… let’s go find out,” I said as I began walking.
We walked toward the crowd of people and stopped as we got to the edge of the crowd. A man walked out on the stage and everyone began cheering. He wasn’t too tall and had a perfectly clean shaved head. He wore a white button up shirt and a pair of black slacks.
“Are you ready for the first annual STARZ Modeling talent competition?” The crowd cheered in excitement. “They’ve got all the moves, all the looks and a fierce attitude. Give it up for the Fembots dance crew!” Everyone cheered as the music began to play and the curtains came open.
The dancers were amazing. They blew us away with their incredible dancing skills. They performed moves I’d never even seen before. I was definitely blown away and I had to cheer for them as they finished.
“Now, let’s hear a voice we’ll never forget. A voice so beautiful it’ll make you cry! Give it up for Chandria!” The man spoke before disappearing from the stage.
The crowd cheered for a moment and then came to a stop as the curtain began to open. There was a girl, about average height, standing behind a microphone as she prepared to sing. The music began and so did she. Her voice was beautiful, more so than any singer I knew of. I loved it, but then I realized what she was singing.
She was singing my and John’s favorite song. I could feel my heart beginning to pound against my chest. My expression grew painful as I listened to the words of the song. Cheyenne put her hand on my shoulder, but I couldn’t bear to look at her. I just stood there, absorbing the pain.
“Henry…” Cheyenne spoke softly, apprehensive.
I just continued to stand there, hurt, unwilling to move on my own. I could feel Brittney grab me and try to pull me away. I let her do so, not wanting to fight it. They walked me outside and sat me on a bench. Cheyenne bent down in front of me and spoke warily.
“Are you okay, Henry? Do you want to go home?”
Nothing; I just sat there, motionless, lifeless.
“Come on, I’ll drive you home,” She answered.
They walked with me to the car and Brittney sat me down in the passenger seat before climbing in the back. Cheyenne sat in the driver’s seat and turned the key in the ignition. She drove slowly, lost in thought. Brittney asked if I was ok, but still, I said nothing. We reached my apartment building and Cheyenne parked the car. She climbed out and then helped me out of the car. I stood up and folded my arms as we began walking; Cheyenne had her arm around my waist. I stared at the ground, not willing to face them.
They walked me up to my apartment and Brittney opened the door to let us in. Cheyenne walked me to my bedroom and laid me down on the bed. I got comfortable and focused my attention to the massive windows before me.
“I’m not leaving you like this Henry. Brittney and I will stay here until you’re feeling better, all right?” Cheyenne asked sounding concerned.
I didn’t answer; I just stared out the window. She walked out of the room and I heard her tell Brittney how disturbed she was by how I was acting. She told her she would stay and Brittney stated she would too. I didn’t want to be there anymore and I didn’t want to leave either, so I resorted to sleep as my escape method.
Cheyenne woke me up frantically and I jolted upward. I realized I was crying and my heart was pacing rapidly. I had another dream about John and this time I was screaming in my sleep. Cheyenne got frightened and ran in to wake me. Brittney was standing in the doorway, her expression consumed with fear.
“Henry, are you all right?” Cheyenne asked, frightened.
“Yeah… I think so,” I responded.
“My gosh Henry, you scared the hell out of me. You were screaming like you were dying, like you were physically hurt.”
“I’m sorry; it was just a bad dream. How long have I been asleep?”
“About three hours, it’s almost four in the afternoon.”
“I’m sorry you guys had to be here so long. I think I’m okay now, you don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to.”
“Absolutely not, you’re in no condition to be alone right now. I’ll be here as long as you need me,” Cheyenne ensured.
“Yeah and I’ll be here whenever Cheyenne isn’t,” Brittney added.
“Thanks, you guys really are a big help, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“No problem, Henry,” Cheyenne answered.
“If you don’t mind I think I'm going to go take a shower now,” I stated as I got up from the bed.
“Sure, go ahead, I’ll make you something to eat while you do.”
“Thank you…” I spoke as I walked passed Brittney in the doorway.
I walked into the bathroom and prepared the tub for a bath. I poured soap in the water as it filled and then began playing music to drown out the whispers emanating from beyond the door. I stripped down and climbed into the tub. I laid back and closed my eyes as I got comfortable.
Images of John began filling my mind. Images of the last time I’d seen him, and images of him the night of my party. I wished it would all go back to the way it used to be. Back to me and him acting like the friends we once were, before all this nonsense came about. I lay there, silently, as I listened to the music play and soaked in the warm bath water.
Time
Time goes by, even when you can’t feel it moving. The clock never stops to wait for you, it just keeps ticking. Each tick of the clock is like another dagger to the heart, painful, excruciating. All you can do is wait. Wait for time to end and wait for the pain to cease. You begin to wonder if that will ever happen. You begin to realize that the faster the clock goes, the worse the pain becomes.
Sleep becomes your new best friend. You sleep as much as possible to avoid the pain of time. Though, sleep m
ay save you from witnessing the moving time, it can’t save you from the dreams. The more time moves forward, the more intense the dreams become. You try to fight them off, but your body has weakened so much, all you can do is lay there and accept them.
You stare off into space, watching nothing. When it rains you stare out the window, wondering why it can’t wash away all your mistakes. You stare at your food rather than eat it. You lay in the tub, soaking for hours at a time. Your body has become a lifeless corpse, but you don’t even bother to change it. You tell people you’re okay, but you never really mean it.
Life goes on, while you stay behind.
I was awoken by Cheyenne again.
“Henry! Are you okay? You were having another nightmare.”
I groaned in response, too frantic to speak.
“Henry, this is getting out of control. It’s been two weeks and yet I still find myself at your bedside each night. It’s as if the dreams are getting worse by second. Each time I hear you scream, it’s even more terrifying than before. I’m truly scared for you Henry. I don’t want you to keep going like this,” she spoke quietly, anxious.
It was silent for a moment before I could speak, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve become such a burden on you. I’ll try to let things go.”
“You say that each time but it never happens… I think it’s time you get professional help. I didn’t want it to have to come to this but it’s necessary,” she spoke glumly.
“No! I’ll be fine, I promise.”
“I don’t know if that’s good enough this time. I need more than an empty promise, Henry. I need proof.”
“Cheyenne, please, don’t do this to me.”
“Henry, I'm not doing anything to you, I'm doing it for you. I’m not asking anymore. I’m demanding. You have to go see someone on your own or I’ll make the call myself.” Cheyenne spoke harshly, but she was right. I had to do something or I’d end up worse than this.
Cheyenne left the room and closed the door behind her. My depression had gotten so much worse that she was forced to temporarily move in with me. She never left me alone, and when she had to leave she made sure Brittney was there for me. Cheyenne was being a truly faithful friend, and I couldn’t have asked for more. She had done so much for me even though she didn’t have to, so I figured I’d do this for her.
The next morning I sat down with the phonebook and began searching for a nearby therapist. I didn’t know whom to pick, so I called the first number that caught my eye.
“Dr. John Monroe’s office, would you like to schedule an appointment?” A female voice answered from the other end of the line. She sounded cheery and excited. The way I used to sound.
I shuddered at the name of the doctor. I hadn’t the slightest clue that was the name of the doctor I had called. It was ironic and painful, but I had to get help.
“Hello?” She answered again in response to my long pause.
“Oh, sorry, I would indeed like to schedule an appointment.”
“Okay, just a moment.” There was a short pause as I heard her shuffle through items on her desk. “Okay, what's the name sir?”
“Henry… Henry Greene.”
“All right, how soon were you thinking about coming in?” She asked.
“What's the next appointment you have available?”
“Well, we do have an opening today at three. Would that be okay?”
I didn’t want to put it off any longer. The pain was getting worse by the second and I had to get the help I needed before it got out of hand. “Yes. Three would be perfectly fine,” I answered.
“Okay, and just to let you know it’s one hundred dollars an hour and your appointment for today, since it’s your first time, will be two hours. Is that okay with you?” She asked politely, trying to convince me to accept.
“Yes, that’s perfectly fine.”
“Great! Then I’ll see you at three.”
“Thank you, see you then,” I answered in a flat tone.
I hung up the phone and began writing down the address to office. Though I knew this would be good for me, I didn’t want to talk to someone about my dilemma. I felt embarrassed talking about something as personal as this. But I had to do it, I had to help myself. I walked to the bathroom to take a shower, but Cheyenne stopped me before I walked in.
“I’ve got to go to work now. Are you going to the doctor now or shall I call Brittney?” She asked curiously.
“I’m going now; I’ll be fine on my own today.”
“All right, you’d better call me or Brittney if you need anything.”
“I will,” I attempted to smile as I spoke, attempting to convince her I was okay.
I walked in the bathroom and shut the door behind me. It was only eleven in the morning but I felt like leaving the house and having some time to myself. I hopped in the shower and, to my surprise, I was out within ten minutes. Unlike usual where I’d stay in the shower for hours, never noticing the time passing by.
I walked to my bedroom in my towel, and searched for something to wear. I quickly found a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. I’d become much more careless about how I looked since the last time I’d spoken to John. I simply threw them on and headed out the door.
I wasn’t sure where to go, I was just driving. I found myself out by the beach, and decided to go for a walk by the shore. I parked the car and headed for the sand. I walked by the water for some time, not paying attention to my surroundings. I kept walking, hoping that I’d end up somewhere else, somewhere happy.
It was warm out; the sun was beating down against my body, heating my legs which were insulated by the sweats. I paid no mind to the heat, I kept walking. I didn’t know how far I’d gone, but I thought that I should stop and turn around. Instead I walked onto a nearby pier and sat on a bench. I stared out to the ocean and listened as the waves crashed against the pillars of the pier. I sat there staring for a while, lost in thought.
I thought about how long it had been since I’d last seen him. Two weeks, and it never gets easier. I missed him, I missed his playful teasing, and I missed his smile. I missed the sound of his voice and the comfort of his warm body. I knew I had to do something. I couldn’t live without him, I couldn’t live knowing I’d hurt him. I had to make things right between us, or at the very least let him know I was sorry.
I reached in my pocket and pulled out my cell phone. I opened it and looked at his contact on the screen. I held my finger above the ‘call’ button, but I couldn’t find the courage to press it. I slowly laid my hand down on my lap, and closed the phone. I couldn’t call him; I hadn’t a clue what I’d say to him. How could I fix something this terrible? It wouldn’t be easy and a call surely wouldn’t do me any justice.
I curled up on the bench, wrapping my arms around my legs, and stared to the ground. I sat there, frozen, lost in thought. I just wanted to disappear, to go somewhere no one could find me. I wanted to be alone, to be free. I sat there, motionless, waiting for myself to disappear, knowing that would never happen.
A few hours passed and it reached one thirty. I had to leave now, since I hadn’t kept track of how far I was from the car. I began walking. Again, not paying attention to my surroundings, though I knew there were others on the beach. It was a beautiful day; the beach was probably full, though I’d never look up to notice. I kept marching forward, distracted by thought. Finally I found my car; it took me about thirty minutes to find it.
I climbed in and began driving. I looked at the address I had scribbled down before I left, and prepared for my visit. I had to build up the strength to be able to talk about him without crying. I could barely think of his name without a tear penetrating my façade. This would truly be a tough topic, but I had to get through it if I wanted to get any better. I parked the car outside the giant building and climbed out.
I glanced at the paper once more to read that the office was located on the eighth floor. I walked inside and waited before the elevator as it came down. The inside of
the building was very well-dressed. There were bright lights, beautiful paintings, and center pieces on each table. To the right of the elevator was a small sitting area with magazines laid out, perfectly neat, for people to read as they waited. To the left of the elevator was a receptionist’s desk, behind it sat a tall woman with curly hair and a fair skin tone. The elevator finally came down and opened up before me.
Upstairs, I walked down the hall and then through the door to the doctor’s office. I was greeted by, who I assumed to be, the receptionist I had spoken to on the phone just hours earlier.
“Hello, you must be Henry. Go ahead and take a seat so you can fill this out while we wait for Dr. Monroe to call you in.”
“Thank you,” I answered blankly.
The receptionist’s desk was centered against the north wall. On the west wall was a couch and center table for waiting patients. Lying on the table were magazines and a bowl of candy for the patients to enjoy. Against the east wall was a medium-sized TV for patients to watch as they waited. On that wall was a beautiful large painting that brightened up the room and beside it was a door which I assumed led to the doctor’s office.
I sat down on the couch as I waited, paying no mind to the magazines or TV. It wasn’t long before the doctor came out to call me in. As I walked toward his office door I stopped to place the paperwork on the receptionist’s desk.
His office was very elegantly designed. The north wall had a large painting on it, in between two narrow windows, and just before that sat his desk and chair. A few feet in front of his desk lay a medium-sized couch and an end table on either side of it. On both the east and west walls were bookcases filled with plenty of books and ornaments.
“Have a seat Henry,” Dr. Monroe said as he walked to his seat. “So what brings you here today, Henry?”
I looked at him glumly before speaking. “I’m not exactly good at this, you know the whole spilling your heart out to a stranger thing.”