A Minute to Midnight

by Thomas Gomez

  “That’s all right, take all the time you need,” he said reassuringly.

  I sat there looking around the room and I could feel him staring at me.

  “You know what, this was probably a mistake. I shouldn’t be here,” I stated as I stood up.

  “Henry, something’s bothering you and it’s not healthy to ignore it.”

  I took a minute before sitting back down.

  “Now, why don’t you start by giving me some background info?”

  “Like what?” I asked.

  “Like where you’re from, how old you are and other general information you wish to share,” he responded.

  “Okay… Well I was born in New Jersey and moved to Brooklyn my sophomore year of high school. Around the age of twenty my best friend and I moved here to Florida to try and escape the big city life. We met my sophomore year in Brooklyn. I’m currently twenty-two and nothing major has happened within the past few years,” I spoke quietly as the doctor scribbled on his paper.

  “Tell me, who is this best friend of yours you moved in with?” He asked.

  “His name’s… John,” I struggled to say his name, “and we didn’t move in together, we just moved here together.”

  “I’m guessing by the way you struggle to say his name that he has to do with why you’re here today, correct?”

  “Yes,” I answered.

  “Do you want to talk about that, or do you still need more time?”

  “I suppose I can try,” I stated.

  “Go ahead,” he answered.

  There was a long silence, I didn’t know where or how to start. I wanted to tell him everything but I was afraid to be judged. “I’m sorry, honestly I am, but I’m just not ready for all of this. I would like to try again soon though.”

  “Okay, Henry, that’s fine. Don’t worry about me, move at your own pace. Go ahead on out and have Courtney set up the next date for you.”

  “Thank you,” I said as I walked out of the room.

  “Done so soon?” Courtney asked as I walked out.

  “Yeah, for today at least; I need to setup the next appoint though.”

  “Okay, we have an opening for this Wednesday. Is that good for you?” She asked.

  “Yeah, that’s fine,” I responded.

  “Okay, here you go, you’re all set,” she said as she handed me a business card with my appointment scribbled on the back.

  “Thank you, see you Wednesday,” I said as I walked toward the exit.

  I was finally home and happy to be alone. I entered my apartment as the phone was ringing. I hurried over to the phone hoping I wouldn’t miss the call. I grabbed the phone and answered, “Hello?”

  I could hear my mother crying on the other end of the line. She struggled to pull herself together to answer. “Henry...” she trailed off growing hysterical again.

  “Mom, calm down. Tell me what happened,” I urged.

  She took a moment before she answered, her voice cracking under the pressure and pain. I could tell this wasn’t something easy to manage. She’d been hurt pretty badly and it caused me to worry of what might come next. “I’m not sure how to say this, Henry, but… your father passed away this morning. I’m so sorry.”

  Regret

  I couldn’t believe what she had just told me. I was in absolute shock. Chills shot through my body, and every nerve had gone dead leaving my body numb. I couldn’t stand anymore so I fell to the couch beside me. My hand was shaking rapidly as my arm fell flat on my lap. I could hear my mother calling after me through the phone. I didn’t know what to do. I just sat there motionless.

  After a moment I decided I didn’t want to be home anymore. I hung up the phone as I rose to my feet. Slowly, I walked toward the door still trying to understand what had happened. I walked out to my car and climbed in. I turned on the car, pulled out and began driving.

  I drove to the beach and got out of the car. I walked down to the water and sat down, my hand wrapping around my knees. I stared at the water and then looked up to the sun setting over the horizon. It was beautiful and it seemed to calm me down a bit. I attempted to figure it all out. My mind was racing and my body was numb.

  I sat, staring, as I felt a tear drop slowly roll down my right cheek. I began to cry, slowly growing even more hysterical. I couldn’t hold back any longer. I let it all out, all the tears I’d been holding back. All the pain I’d wished would go away. All of it came bursting out of me at once and there was no way for me to stop it.

  I remained there crying and setting free all emotion when my phone rang. I looked at it and saw that it was Cheyenne. I wasn’t in the mood for talking so I pressed ignore and slid the phone back into my pocket.

  After a while of sitting by the water I decided to find somewhere else to go. I walked back to the car and climbed in. I drove for about an hour before I found myself by Crest Lake Park. I decided to take a walk through the park so I parked the car and got out.

  I walked in and found myself in front of the same bench I’d been on the last time I fought with John. I decided to sit down and spend my day there again. It was comfortable the last time and it allowed me to escape life for long enough. I curled up on the bench wrapping my arms around my legs.

  I sat there quietly and I watched all the people have fun as they walked by. They all enjoyed their lives never noticing how fast things can change. It could all be gone in the blink of an eye and it was like they didn’t even care.

  I remained curled up on the bench for a while. I noticed as it got dark, the moon came out. The park cleared and the only things I could hear were the cars driving down the nearby street. It was peaceful and I enjoyed the loneliness.

  “You know Cheyenne’s really worried about you.”

  I looked up, startled by the sudden presence in the lonely park, and noticed it was John. I didn’t want to talk and it rather hurt to see him so I looked back down to the ground.

  “Your mom called me and told me she called you. She gave me the news and told me that you hung up after she told you. She was worried so she called me hoping I could find you and make sure you were okay. Humph, I guess you never told her what happened,” he spoke carefully.

  I remained silent, unable to speak to him after all that had happened.

  “When I told Cheyenne what you’re mom told me she nearly went crazy. She’s crazy worried about you. She asked me, Brittney and Sam to go out looking for you. She also called all of our friends and told them to keep an eye out. If it wasn’t for Brittney she probably would have even called the cops!” He chuckled as he spoke, trying to cheer me up.

  “I was pretty worried myself. I didn’t know if you were okay and I almost freaked out when your mom called,” he said as he walked toward the bench. “Will you please come home? You’re going to end up giving Cheyenne a panic attack.”

  I still remained silent; I just couldn’t bear talking to him, at least not at that moment.

  John sat down beside me and put his left arm around my shoulder. “I only ever met your dad once so I can’t really say anything about him. But I’m sure he wouldn’t want you out here suffering like this. He would probably-”

  “My dad hated me,” I spoke harshly.

  He took a second before answering, “Are you sure?”

  “Couldn’t be more sure,” I responded.

  “Well what happened between you guys?” He asked curiously.

  I took a moment to gather my thoughts. “The summer before my sophomore year, also just before I met you, he found out I was gay. He went crazy when he found out and he hated me for it. He called me all sorts of names and treated me like garbage. My mom tried to calm him down but it was no use. I ended up having to spend time at my aunt’s house while he cooled off, but that didn’t do much either.

  “When I came home he was still just as disgusted with me as he was before. He still called me names and treated me horribly. It lasted a few days and finally he cut me off completely. We never spoke again. I haven’t heard t
he sound of his voice since the last day he treated me like that.

  “He was always ashamed of me and he hated me for ruining his reputation. He became ‘the gay kid’s dad’ among his friends. Eventually he stopped talking to them to and he blamed that on me. He was very old fashioned and he hated when anyone did anything opposite of what he considered moral. No one could ever get through to him and we all knew he would never forgive me. The last thing I said to him was ‘I hate you.’ That’s the last memory he had of me before he died.

  “I feel like I should have forgiven him, like I should have done something to show I was sorry. I know he was the one in the wrong but I still felt like it was my fault, like I could have fixed it if I were willing to. But I never did try to fix it and I never even forgave him.” I had begun crying halfway through my explanation.

  John hugged me in an attempt to comfort me. “Shh, don’t worry Henry. I'm sure he knew how you really felt. I promise everything will be okay.”

  “No it won’t John, my dad died before I could even talk to him and now you won’t talk to me. What if one of us goes away and I never get to tell you how I feel? Nothing’s going to be fine John, nothing. I feel like I’m losing you with everything passing second. I don’t want you to leave, John, please don’t leave me, please!” I spoke, still crying heavily.

  “It will be okay because I already know how you feel, Henry.” He spoke trying to convince me. “Don’t worry Henry, I'm back now. I’ll be here with you I promise,” he said as he looked at me with such passionate eyes I couldn’t resist my next move.

  We were both quiet for a moment. Then I leaned in and kissed him; I acted on impulse and instantly I wished I hadn’t.

  He quickly jumped off the bench and looked at me with furious eyes. “What the hell was that? I said I’d be here with you, I never said I felt the same way! Damn it Henry we were almost past this!” He couldn’t help but yell at me and I flinched with every spoken word.

  My crying grew heavier and I hated myself for what I’d done.

  He was so mad he couldn’t look at me. He turned his back to me before speaking again. “I’m sorry Henry, I really am. But I can’t do this if you’re going to kiss me every time you feel something between us. I just can’t live like this. I can’t, I’m sorry,” he said before he walked away.

  I was so hurt I couldn’t move. I sat there staring at nothing, crying heavily. I messed everything up again right when he forgave me. I couldn’t believe how stupid I was. I just couldn’t refrain from the inevitable when I was with him. There was no stopping my impulsive actions.

  After a few minutes I decided to get out of the park. I knew John would tell Cheyenne and Brittney where I was and they’d come looking for me. I just wasn’t sure where to go.

  I walked back to my car and slowly climbed in. As I got in I noticed a card sitting in the cup holder. It was Hans’ business card he’d given me the night I was at the bar. It had been a long time since I’d spoken to him but I needed help and he did give me his card for this exact reason. I decided to call him.

  “Hello?” he answered.

  “Hans?”

  “Yes, this is he. Who’s this?” He questioned.

  “It’s Henry, from the bar a few weeks ago.”

  “Oh! Hey, Henry, what’s up?

  I struggled to answer, “nothing really. I’m kind of not feeling so great and I really need some advice. Do you think I could maybe come over and talk?” I asked.

  “Sure but my house won’t work out, how about your place?”

  “No, that won’t do either,” I answered glumly.

  “Well I don’t want to skip out on helping you so how about I get us a room at the hotel over on Gulfview and we meet up there?” He offered.

  “Yeah, sure, that should work. I’ll meet you there in half an hour.”

  “All right see you then.”

  I was a bit nervous, meeting him in a hotel room. But at this point I didn’t care what happened, I just needed comfort.

  Intruder

  I knocked on the door of the hotel room, and when he answered I noticed that he was wearing a white robe and holding a champagne glass in his right hand. He looked very comfortable, almost as if he’d been there for a while.

  “For you,” he said as he handed me the champagne glass, “I hope you don’t mind my getting comfortable. I thought I might as well enjoy the room while we have it,” he said smiling.

  “Not at all, thank you,” I responded.

  “Come in, get comfortable. We have the room all to ourselves for the night.” He spoke with a large grin stretching across his face.

  There was a closet on the wall perpendicular to the door, and after that came the room. It was large and very beautifully decorated. It had a queen-sized bed with plush bedding centered on the left end of the room and across from it, on the wall, was a large flat screen TV. It had a dark brown stained wooden dresser below it. On either side of the bed were small nightstands that resembled the dresser beneath the TV and on those nightstands were beautiful spiral-shaped lamps.

  To the left of the bed was a door to the bathroom. Beside the door rested a small desk and chair that were usually put in hotel rooms for people on business trips.

  After the TV and bed came a small table with twin chairs on either side. The small set was up against windows that stretched from ceiling to floor, akin to those in John’s apartment.

  I walked over to the bed, setting down my champagne glass on the night stand as I crawled onto the mattress. I slipped off my shoes and lay back. Hans sat down beside me as he spoke, “So what is it that you needed help with?”

  “Everything,” I answered.

  “Well I already know about your problem with John so why don’t you continue from there.” It amazed me that he’d remembered John’s name from so long ago. I guess he’d been paying more attention to my troubles than I’d realized.

  “I really don’t want to talk about him right now. I guess when I said ‘everything’ I could have been a bit more specific. I meant my dad,” I spoke softly, hoping to avoid any possible tears.

  “What happened with your dad?” He asked curiously.

  “He passed away this morning.”

  “Oh gosh, I'm so sorry.”

  “It’s just that he passed away before I even got a chance to apologize,” my voice grew shaky as I spoke, “I never got to tell him I was sorry for what I’d done.”

  “Don’t cry,” he spoke softly, “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

  I lay there for a few seconds holding Hans’ hand, yet picturing John’s face. I missed John so much and I wished it was him I was with rather than Hans. But I knew that I wasn’t going to see John for a while, not after what I’d done.

  “Here, drink some of this, it’ll ease the pain.” He offered me the champagne again but this time I accepted. I sat up, took the glass from him and began to drink it. It was refreshing and just what I needed. Soon enough I finished all the champagne in the glass and set it back down on the night stand.

  I lay back down on the bed trying to relax. I could already feel my muscles loosening. After a few minutes I felt a bit sleepy and my eyes began to grow heavy, I allowed them to close. I could feel Hans sliding off the bed and I heard him walk into the bathroom. I began to feel weaker by the minute and soon Hans was back by the bed again. I heard him set something down on the nightstand and then he leaned over me.

  His hands slid down my sides, up my hips and met at the bow tie holding up my sweats. “What are you doing?” I asked though I’d grown so tired it was almost a whisper. He hadn’t responded though he untied my sweats and slid them off me. Again I asked, “What are you doing? What's going on?” It was getting harder for me to speak and I could feel my body going numb.

  He slid his arms up to the bottom of my t-shirt and slid it up my torso. My upper body slightly lifted as he pulled the shirt off me and I dropped back down to the bed once it was removed. I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t feel most of m
y body. I was numb. I didn’t know what was going on and I grew terrified at what the signs were pointing to.

  “Don’t worry, I told you everything was going to be okay,” he whispered in my ear. His breath was warm, though his voice sounded evil, almost sadistic.

  I felt his arms slide beneath me, grasping me and pulling me closer to him. His arms were hot against my suddenly freezing body. I’d grown uncomfortably cold and the only thing I enjoyed of this was the warmth of his body against mine. He lifted me slightly allowing my head to fall back and my arms to lie on the bed beneath us. I could feel his mouth slowly creeping up my chest, his warm breath soothing my frozen body. He began kissing up my neck and the warmth felt good.

  I began to invite him in, knowing I was too weak to resist and too cold to want to. His warmth comforted me and his kisses were gentle. However, I didn’t enjoy it for much longer.

  He dropped me down to bed again, only this time, not gentle in any way. He lifted himself from the bed and I could feel his hand at my waist. He grabbed at the lining of my boxer briefs and pulled at them. He slid them off vigorously and I attempted to speak. “Stop… no… Hans please,” my voice was weak and fading. I grew frantic and scared. He was crossing the line and there was nothing I could do about it.

  He threw my briefs to the ground and I opened my eyes slightly to see him discard of his robe. His body was bare, and it was then that it occurred to me he’d been ready for this the whole time. I grew more and more frantic as tears began to fill my eyes. I was quietly sobbing, knowing what would come next.

  “Shut up!” He yelled at me, angrily.

  I wanted to fight back so badly but I couldn’t. He’d drugged me and I never even suspected a thing. It never occurred to me that he might have had this all planned out from the start. The robe, the champagne, the hotel room; all of it was just a set up for the perfect rape. I never even bothered to ask why we couldn’t go somewhere other than a hotel, I simply took the bait.

  He lay back on top of me again, running his arms up and down my side as he kissed my neck. He was becoming more and more violent with each stroke. I began crying more and I was able to grow slightly louder. But then he slapped his hand over my mouth and yelled, “Why can’t you just make this easy for the both of us?” I opened my eyes and saw a face of pure evil. It was an expression that I will never forget.