by Thomas Gomez
He got up again and I heard him tending to the objects he had laid on the night stand earlier. Then he lifted my legs and put our bodies into the position he wanted. It was the moment I was dreading and I knew I couldn’t stop him now. I could feel him preparing for what he was longing for.
I felt the warmth, the agony, as he entered me. He’d grown much, much more violent by now, not caring to acknowledge the fact that I was in pain. His thrust shot bolts of pain up and down my legs and I could tell it was only going to get worse. I was crying harder as the pain grew to be unbearable.
It lasted ten agonizing minutes before he finally finished. The pain had become so excruciating that my body began to shut down as a defense mechanism. If only numbing were all it took. I could still feel every jolt and every thrust he’d made.
Finally, it was over. I was crying as hard as the drugs allowed, and he didn’t even care that I was hurt. He was a heartless monster, an intruder.
I lay there sobbing and in pain. I could hear him walking into the bathroom and starting the shower. He bathed for a few minutes and then got dressed. He took his belongings and got ready to leave.
By then the drugs had caused me to lose total control of my body. I could no longer move a muscle and I lay there utterly defenseless. My breathing slowed and I inched closer to sleep. I wanted to sleep now. I wanted to do whatever I could to forget what had just happened. I was humiliated. How could I have let this happen? I was stronger than this, I could have stopped him, but I didn’t.
I heard him open the door but stopping to speak. “You know, for a whining little baby, you were actually a better catch than the others,” he spoke before walking through the door.
Those words dug deeper into my wounds, only making them more prominent. I knew what he’d done to me just then was wrong, but it was worse knowing that I wasn’t the only one he’d done it to.
The drug finally reached its peak, forcing me to fall asleep.
The next morning I woke up, still sore from the night before, unable to remember exactly what happened. I knew what he had done, only I didn’t remember coming to a hotel or even what happened in between the two.
I tried to sit up but I was so sore that I decided to lie in bed for a few more minutes. The sun was shining through the window so bright it gave me a headache. I tried to assemble the pieces of last night’s memories so I could comprehend how I got here. I finally understood.
When I called Hans he must have detected how vulnerable I was and took the initiative. He must have put some sort of drug in my champagne before I got there and then got me to drink it. He was witty and conniving and it was apparent that he had done this many times before.
He was a disgusting, volatile and sadistic being and I wish I could stop him from ever doing this again. It was wrong and immoral and needs to be stopped. It was horrible knowing that I wasn’t his first or even his last victim.
I then found the strength to get up and grab my pants off the floor. I reached in the right pocket and pulled out my cell. Just my luck, the battery was dead. I reached in the back pocket to find my wallet. I opened it and found nothing inside. Not only had Hans stolen my dignity but he’d also stolen all of my money. He didn’t even leave a penny.
I was so ashamed and hurt. I fell back on the bed and lay there crying. He’d taken everything from me and I didn’t even have a way home. I wanted nothing more than to be in John’s arms at that moment. To feel his warmth, his love and to know that as long as I was with him I would be safe. He would have never let something like this happen to me. I felt so stupid for what I’d done. If I hadn’t rushed things then I wouldn’t be in this mess. If hadn’t assumed John came looking for me the night before because he wanted to be with me, then he’d probably still be here. I was such an idiot that night and the worst part is, I let my guard down and let in the worst of all predators.
I finally forced myself up out of bed and got dressed. I was in so much pain but I had to call Cheyenne so I didn’t care. Ignoring the pain, I walked to the phone on the desk beside the bathroom door and dialed Cheyenne’s number.
“Hello?” She answered.
I took a second before I could respond trying to gather my thoughts. “Chey… I’m sorry.”
“Henry, don’t worry, there’s no need to apologize.”
I began crying softly, “I need you to pick me up, please.”
“Where are you and where’s your car?” She asked worriedly.
“I-I’m at the hotel over on Gulfview,” I stuttered.
“What are you doing there?”
“Please, I don’t want to talk about it now. Can you just come get me?”
“Yeah, I’m on my way,” she responded.
I hung up the phone and took a minute to process. I began crying more as I sat back down on the bed. I was in so much pain and it wasn’t going to go away any time soon.
When I got home I went straight to the bathroom to take a shower. I let the water run but no matter how hard I tried; I could never wash away the memories from the night before. If only it were that simple.
After my shower I went to my room, put on my boxers and crawled into bed. It was still early in the afternoon but I’d rather be in bed than anywhere else at this point.
War
Some say that time heals all wounds, but in reality it allows you to reflect on the pain and suffering those wounds have caused you. It’s difficult to keep moving on and ignore the pain. It’s difficult to forget something when you’re surrounded by constant reminders. The more you try to push it away the more prominent it becomes.
Friends are right there with you through everything in life, they never leave your side. Without my friends by my side I would have probably lost all sanity by now.
He was gone, but his presence never left me. I could still feel him holding my hand in his, shifting in bed and worst of all; I could still feel his lips pressed against mine. It was a presence that was never going to leave me. I could feel him with me every waking minute.
I tried so hard, but there wasn’t a thing I could do to evade it. Probably because it was the only thing I had left to remind me he was real, to remind me he was the fantasy he seemed to be. Maybe it was time for me to wake up from my dream. It was time to realize that he wasn’t real and it was my time to move on, but I couldn’t.
“How’re you holding up?” Cheyenne asked as she walked into my room.
“I could be better. Although I think the pain is beginning to ease.”
“Well that’s good. Do you want to go somewhere? You know, get some from air for a change?”
“I guess that couldn’t hurt. I’ll go get ready,” I said as I got up from the bed.
“All right, let me know when you’re done,” she said as she walked out of the room.
I walked over to my closet to find something to wear. When I opened it I saw the gift John gave me for my birthday sitting in the corner. Cheyenne put it away so I wouldn’t think about him as much. It hurt to see it.
Memories of him began filling my mind and then I felt something on my shoulder. It was heavy, warm and strangely familiar. I felt a hand resting there, trying to get me to turn around. But when I did, there was no one there.
I took a moment before I continued to rummage through my closet. I missed him greatly but I knew he would never speak to me again. After what I did in the park how could I expect him to trust me as just a friend? It just wouldn’t be the same anymore.
Usually after friends experience their first real kiss together it changes how they feel. The conflicting emotions become hard to deal with. It was only normal for him to not want to be around me anymore, wasn’t it? I couldn’t honestly give him any of the blame, or could I?
I finished getting dressed and walked out into the living room.
“Henry! What’s wrong?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re crying,” she answered.
“I am?” I said as I wiped the tears from my cheek. �
��I guess I’ve been doing it so much lately that I don’t even notice anymore,” I said laughing ruefully.
“Don’t worry. The pain fades with time. It’ll get easier.”
I laughed to myself at what she said. Time heals nothing. The pain can be permanent. You only believe the pain goes away, but it never really does.
“So where are we going?” I asked.
“Not sure. All I know is that you need to be somewhere that won’t remind you about you know who. Is there anywhere you want to be that will help clear your mind?”
“Well how about the pier at the beach?”
“The pier? Why do you want to go there?” She asked curiously.
“I’m not sure. There’s just something about that pier that helps me detach from everything. It makes me feel like I’ve gone somewhere no one can find me.”
She looked at me like I was crazy.
“Okay, I know it’s sort of loud there and there are a lot of other people on the pier as well. I guess it’s just the breeze hitting my body and the warmth of the sun and the smell of the ocean. It helps clear my mind.”
“All right fine, but I’m telling Brittney to meet us there. If you’re going to be detached from the world then I’m going to need someone to talk to,” she said chuckling.
It took about twenty minutes to reach the beach. I walked onto the pier and Cheyenne stayed down by the shore so her and Brittney could swim and tan.
I sat down on a bench and stared out into the ocean. There was a slight breeze in the air and I could smell the salt water emanating from the ocean below. It was comforting.
Most of the time I was in my own world, but every now and again I drifted back as I listened to the people around me. They were taking business calls at the beach, fighting with loved ones and, most importantly, they were oblivious. Just like the rest of the people in the world, they were oblivious to the change and oblivious to what they had.
I was getting tired of seeing people take such important things for granted. For once I wanted to see someone stop and say thank you or stop and say hello, but no one did. They just kept moving.
I drifted back into my own world. I sat there quietly, motionless. I relaxed as I smelled the air and felt the breeze. It felt like minutes before Cheyenne and Brittney finally came up to the pier to get me.
“It’s a little late now. Maybe we should head home,” Cheyenne called as they walked up to me.
“What time is it?”
“It’s almost seven. We’ve been here since twelve.”
“Wow! I had no idea! I thought I’d only been sitting here for a few minutes.”
“Well you haven’t. It’s really been that long,” Brittney commented.
I got up and I could feel that my muscles were sore from sitting there so long. My joints cracked and muscles twitched as we walked back to the car. We drove to my apartment and Brittney came with us.
I opened the door and walked into my room. As I was getting undressed I looked at the reflection in the mirror and noticed there was an envelope lying on my pillow. I walked to the bedside and reached down for it. On the front it said my name in a familiar handwriting, but the only two people with a key to my apartment were with me at the beach all day.
I opened the envelope and pulled out the folded piece of paper that was hiding inside it. As I did a key came out with it and fell on my bed. I unfolded it and looked at the bottom for a signature. My heart nearly stopped when I read the name on it. John had been in my apartment while I was out and he was the one who left the note. I was completely shocked that he bothered to speak to me at all. Though I was slightly hurt to see he returned my spare key. I forgot he even had it.
Henry,
I feel that there's something you should know. It’s been on my mind for a while now and I needed to tell someone. Ever since you kissed me I’ve been having these thoughts. I can’t get you off my mind and I’ve been finding myself checking out other guys. It’s driving me insane.
I think I know I’m not gay, but yet I’ve been having these thoughts and feelings. I don’t know what to do about them. I would have come to you directly but it’s hard knowing how I’ve been lately and knowing how you feel about me. I worry something might happen. Anyway, I’m sorry but until I can figure this out we just can’t be friends. I hope this blows over soon.
I miss you.
Love
John
My heart sank into my chest. I couldn’t believe what I’d just read. Could it be possible that John was really having these feelings he said he was having? Was it really possible he might be gay?
I walked out into the living room with the note in my hand. Cheyenne and Brittney were sitting at the dining table gossiping as usual. I walked over to them and plopped the note on the table.
“What is this?” Cheyenne asked.
“Just read it,” I said as I sat down.
I waited for a minute as they began reading.
“Oh my gosh, Henry! What’re you going to do about this?”
“What can I do? He said that until this blows over he’d prefer we didn’t speak. If I went looking for him I’d be ignoring his one request. How much more do you want him to hate me?” I asked.
“I highly doubt he hates you Henry, he said he missed you,” Brittney commented.
“He scribbled that out. He probably didn’t mean it.”
“Henry, John needs you now more than ever. He’s practically at war with himself trying to figure out who he is.” Cheyenne stated
“Well I’m not going after him. If he wants my help than he can come to me and ask for it; I’m not going to wait on hand and foot for someone who keeps kicking me out of his life. A friendship is not worth fighting for if you’re the only one fighting. I miss him, I really do. But if he really wanted my help he would have asked for it.”
“Henry-”
“No! I’m not doing it. If he asks then fine, but until then this conversation is over,” I said as I got up and walked back into the room.
I lay down in bed and got comfortable. I was still overwhelmed by it all. I couldn’t believe the feelings he was having. The man that swore he would never change was now beginning to change.
I thought more about helping him. However, I also thought about the consequences that could arise from that. He asked me not to speak to him until this was all over. But was he really expecting me to just sit by as I let him make such a life changing decision on his own.
I’d been through what he was experiencing now, and knew that as hard as it can be he could really use some help. I knew I had needed help when I was going through it, but there was no one to help me. At least he had the option for help, but why didn't he just ask for it. Did he honestly think I'd take advantage of him in the middle of all of this? I took advantage once, but I would never dream of doing it again.
Why?
“So what did you think of the movie?” John asked as we got in the car.
“It was pretty good. Could have been better I suppose.”
“You’re always so picky,” he mocked.
“I am not, I’m just critical,” I said laughing.
“Yeah, Yeah.”
I loved going out with John. One way or another he’d make it a night to remember. We were headed back to his apartment for the second half of our date, a moonlight dinner on his balcony.
I suddenly felt a chill shoot down my spine. It was a very uncomfortable feeling. I looked down and noticed John had just grabbed a hold of my hand. His hand was warm and comfortable. It helped me to forget the unnerving chill I’d just witnessed.
As I looked up I brought my attention to the clock on the dashboard. Eleven fifty-nine. I turned my head toward John and then noticed a bright light emanating from the window behind him.
I woke abruptly and then sat up in bed. I looked to my bedside table and noticed the clock stated it was already four o’clock. Sleeping in was becoming repetitious.
The dreams were now routine and I stopped
reacting badly to them. I hated that I could accept them into my life but as long as the feud continued, I would have to.
There were many reasons I wanted him back in my life. The main one being that I was in love with him. But one other important reason was so I could stop dreaming so badly of him. No mattered how upset I would ever be at him, no matter how much I could ever grow to hate him; I could never wish for him to get hurt or especially die. It was painful just thinking about it.
The dreams were sinister, cruel. But no matter how much I told myself I didn’t want him to get hurt, the dreams simply wouldn’t fade.
I walked in the bathroom and turned the shower on. I put my hand into the stream of flowing water to test its temperature. The water felt calming as it slid in between my fingers.
I took off my clothes and got in. I sat still, allowing the water to run down the lengths of my body. It was warm and comforting. I missed the long showers I used to take, spending all my time allowing the water to comfort me. It was relaxing.
Have you ever thought about the freedom water has? It exists in nearly everything. It’s what creates most of the world’s wonders. Oceans, plants, waterfalls, you name it. Water doesn’t have the limitations we humans do. It can go underground or way up in the sky. It can change forms constantly and it can bring life to many things. Water has no limits and no worries. We all depend on it and it always comes through. I wish our lives could be that simple. I wish we were just as free.
After a while of letting the water comfort me I finally got out. I dried myself off and got dressed and as I walked out of the bathroom I noticed Brittney and Cheyenne talking in the kitchen. I walked over to see what they were talking about.