by Thomas Gomez
“Hey, what’s going on?”
“Well you said you wouldn’t help John so we figured we should. He shouldn’t have to fight this battle on his own,” Cheyenne answered.
“Humph, so what's the big plan?”
“Well we figured he’s probably worried that if he is gay then he’d be disowned by many of his friends. So we decided we’d let him know that we’d be okay with whatever he decides.” Brittney said smiling as if she were gloating.
“You do that and it will only make it worse,” I answered.
“How could it make it worse?”
“Well sure everyone wants to know that their decisions will be supported by their friends no matter what, but in this case you shouldn’t go throwing that in his face. When someone is struggling with something like this, sure some people might like the comfort of knowing that, but others might take it the wrong way and knowing John he would take it the wrong way.
“By saying you’re okay with it you’re basically telling him that you already think that’s what he’s going to decide. Then he might feel pressured and make the wrong choice or he might take offense since you two should know him more than anyone else. Not including me of course. But do you see what it is I'm getting at?” I explained.
“You know, sometimes I really hate it when you’re right,” Cheyenne scolded.
“Ha-ha, well remember, I have been in his position before. I’m pretty sure I know what I'm talking about,” I said smiling.
“Okay then, since you seem to know so much, what do you propose we do?”
“Nothing, it’s still too early. He should have a reasonable amount of time to think about it thoroughly.”
“I don’t agree. Without him here there's no way for us to know when the right time would be. And if we let this go on for too long then he might make a mistake,” Brittney answered.
“I see your point, but what else can we do? Sometimes you have to let your friends sink or swim on their own.”
“I still think we should help him and I'm not giving up on that.”
“Well then since you’re going to do it no matter what I say then at least let me. I know more about this stuff than you guys do and I will probably be more helpful to him than you. No offense.”
“I thought you didn’t want to help him?” Cheyenne asked sounding annoyed.
“I don’t, but since you guys want to so bad I figure I should be the one to do it since I’d be a better source for help than you. If he's going to be getting help then it should be from someone who’s experienced. I want to make sure that he gets all the help he needs and not bad advice.” I stated with a hint of laughter in my voice.
“Whatever,” they spoke in unison.
“Suit yourself,” Cheyenne added.
I walked back into my room and got ready to go see John. I wasn’t sure I knew what I was getting myself into. I also didn’t really know what I was going to say to him. What if he reacts badly to my showing up there?
I walked out of my room and Cheyenne stopped me before I left.
“Hey I have a question.”
“Okay? What is it?” I asked curiously.
“Well remember how Brittney and I wanted to go on that trip to Hawaii soon?”
“Yes…”
“Well, we wanted to know if you would be okay with us going this Monday. It would give us two days to pack and get ready to go. Plus in those two days we could find out if you’re ready to be on your own again. Besides, the trip will only be a week long so we’ll be back next Saturday.”
“I suppose, I mean I don’t want to come between you and your trip just because I'm a little down. Go on the trip and have fun. You guys could use some time away from all my insanity,” I said laughing.
“Yay thanks, Henry! Oh, and I'm glad to see you smiling again,” she stated.
I smiled at her before walking out the door. I was glad they were getting away for a while. They’ve been taking care of me for a little too long and I felt bad for making them do that. They needed to get away from my constant crying and whining. I could tell they were becoming annoyed by it, not that they would ever admit to it.
I finally reached John’s condo. I pulled into a parking space and shut the car off. I sat there for a moment as I worked up the courage to go inside. I was nervous that he might get mad at me for betraying his only wish. It wasn’t very fair of me.
I knocked on his door, hesitantly waiting for him answer.
“Henry, what’re you doing here?”
“John please, just give me a moment. Listen to what I have to say.”
He paused for a moment before speaking, “Fine, but make it quick.”
I walked in and sat down on the couch. John came and sat down beside me, arms crossed and facing away.
“John?” I asked carefully.
“What? You’re the one who wanted to talk remember? Now talk,” he said harshly.
“I don’t understand why you’re treating me this way.”
“What! Why do you think? You say you’re my best friend and that you can respect our love differences and then you just go ahead and kiss me! Now look at me. I’m struggling to figure out who I am. I can’t even look out the window because I might see a guy on the beach and begin questioning myself again. Because of you I’m going through hell. If you would just learn to control yourself then neither of us would be hurting right now.”
His words were hard to listen to so I had to make my point soon before I let him dig any deeper.
“I know what you’re going through. Need I remind you I went through the same thing the summer before we met? It’s hard, I know it is, but once you’ve made your decision it becomes a lot easier. You just need to trust yourself and trust that you’ll make the right choice. The more you pressure yourself the more you begin to despise yourself.”
“Well then what do I do? Just sit around and wait? That could take forever! I’m tired of waiting, Henry, I just want to know.”
“You just need to let your thoughts run wild. If your thoughts choose men, then fine. But remember, there's still a chance they might choose women. You just need to give yourself time. It will work out, I promise.”
“I don’t know, Henry. It’s been tough enough as it is, letting my mind run wild might allow me to think things I don’t want to think about.”
“That’s just it. You’re masking it. If your subconscious is making you think about certain things then you must want to in some way. All you’re doing is forcing yourself to think only the things that you believe are right. You think you have to be straight but you don’t have to be, you can be. If your subconscious wants you to think about men then let it. Doing that will help you realize what you really want sooner.”
I could see him beginning to loosen up. He unfolded his arms and turned to face me. We stared at each other for a few minutes in silence. It was hard to figure out what he was thinking.
“All right, I let my thoughts run wild… but I’m not sure I like what they’re saying,” he spoke softly, lost in thought.
“Follow your heart. Do what you think is right. Urges are meant to be satisfied.”
He sat motionless for a minute. I still couldn’t decipher what was on his mind. He began moving toward me. I wasn’t sure what to do so I just sat there. He began leaning in and as he did he grabbed me with his right arm and pulled me forward. He inched forward and finally pressed his lips against mine. I didn’t know what to do, so I kissed back.
After a minute he stopped and pulled his face an inch apart from mine. We sat like that for a minute before he made his next move. He leaned back in again and began kissing me with more passion this time. With the way he was behaving I was beginning to believe he had finally made his decision.
He held me tighter, closer. He kissed me with more passion than I've ever felt before. Then he pulled back and stood up. He stretched his arm out before him and I took his hand.
He led me into the bedroom and sat me down on the bed. “I th
ink this is what I want,” he said quietly.
I half smiled then responded, “Me too.”
He then laid me back on the bed and began kissing me again. He became more passionate as we progressed. He slid his arm up my side and pulled my shirt off.
I began getting nervous. Even though he was sober this time something felt wrong. He didn’t seem the same. This had to be a dream. But then he whispered, “I love you so much, Henry,” and then I urged myself to believe it was real.
I woke up before John did. I looked over at him and he seemed so peaceful I decided not to wake him. I got up from the bed, grabbed my clothes and went into the bathroom to shower. I let the water soak me for a few minutes before I began cleansing. The water felt amazing against my skin.
After a few minutes I got out and began to dry myself off. I slid my hand across the mirror to wipe away the steam and when I saw my reflection I couldn’t help but laugh. I had been smiling the whole time and I never even noticed it. Everything was finally how I wanted it. I finally felt like I was in the right place.
I opened the bathroom door and saw John sitting at the edge of the bed staring at the ground beneath him.
“You did it again,” he spoke through gritted teeth.
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t play stupid with me Henry! You know exactly what I mean!” He yelled.
“John what’re you-”
“I’m not an idiot Henry! I can see what you’re doing. Every time you see me at my weakest you swoop in and make your move. You know that when I let my guard down anything is possible.”
“I don’t understand.”
“First you slept with me while I was drunk. Then you kissed me in the park when you saw that I was worried sick about you. And now, last night, you saw that I was confused by everything that’s happened and you saw a chance and took it. You know that if you can get me while I’m weak I won’t fight back! It’s what you do.
“Every time you get the chance, you get into people’s heads and mess with their emotions just so you can live your sick fantasies! I’m not gay Henry! I don’t love you! Why is it so hard for you to get that through your damn head?”
I began shaking my head, “No! You’re wrong! I’m not crazy. I don’t do the things you say I do. I’m just another person that got sucked into your idiotic charm.
“Isn’t that what you do? Just like all those poor girls that left this apartment with broken hearts and empty promises, I was just another toy. I was just someone you could draw in and watch as you broke their heart. That’s how you get your entertainment right? Hurting other people?”
He reached over to the bedside table, grabbed the vase and threw it at the wall. “Get out! Now!” He yelled at me harshly.
I took a moment, as I saw the pain in his reaction and the guilt in his eyes. I must have hit him hard with my comment. Tears instantly began filling my eyes.
I walked out to the living room, grabbed my belongings and left.
The End?
I woke up in more pain than ever. The hole was ripping its way back into my chest and it was something I would never get used to feeling.
I walked over to my dresser and looked at myself in the mirror above it. I looked terrible. I hardly got much sleep the night before. I just sat there replaying John’s cruel words in my head like a broken record. It was one of the worst nights of my life.
After our fight I came back home and just sat around all day staring out the window. I hardly ate anything and I barely moved.
I looked down on the dresser and saw the note John had left me laying there before me. I picked it up, sat down on my bed and began reading it again.
I began crying as I read his words. The ‘I miss you’ hurt the most, especially since it had been scribbled out.
I folded the note back up and put it in the drawer of my dresser. I figured I shouldn’t look at it anymore since all it would do is bring more pain, like salt on an open wound.
I went into the bathroom and took a quick shower. I had to get ready to go to work. Laura had me working even on Sundays because I had begun falling behind ever since John and I initially stopped talking. I finished getting ready and headed to work.
I walked in and headed to my office but on the way there Laura stopped me and asked me to go into here office.
“Do you know why I asked you to come in here, Henry?”
“No, why?” I answered hesitantly.
“You missed both Friday and Saturday and in case you don’t remember you promised you wouldn’t miss any days for a while since you had been falling so far behind in your work.”
“I know, I’m so sorry, it won’t happen again I swear.”
“I know it won’t because I’m going to have to let you go.”
“What! Laura no, please! I need this job right now. You can’t do this to me!”
“I’m sorry Henry, I really am, but you made a commitment and you failed to follow through. You were an amazing employee but lately you have been the worst. You’ve become unreliable, you’ve begun slacking and now you’re just not trying at all. My hands are tied Henry. I have to let you go,” she answered apologetically.
“Laura-”
“I’m sorry Henry. Please have all of your belongings gathered and leave by the end of the hour. This kills me but I have to do it.”
I slowly got up from the chair and exited her office. I gathered all of my belongings and left.
I walked into my apartment and set the box of my belongings on the table by the door. I walked into my bedroom and lay down. I lay there for a few minutes before I heard an alert sound from my computer. I got up and went to check the new email I had gotten.
I was shocked to see the sender’s name appear on the screen. Hans had sent me an email, but why? I opened the email and read it.
Sorry it took me so long to send you this. It was pretty hard for me to track down your email address, but don’t worry I'm sure the wait only made the delivery much more surprising. ;)
1 video attachment
Hesitant, I opened the video attachment to see what it was; only I wished I hadn’t. I was absolutely mortified by what the video revealed. He had setup a camera in the room the night he raped me and sent me the video.
It was disgusting. I was so ashamed. I quickly looked away because I couldn’t handle the pain it inflicted on me. I tried to shut off the speakers but I couldn’t without looking toward the screen, so instead I looked up to pause the video and then I froze in place, baffled by what I saw. In his eyes, I saw pleasure. In his smile, I saw happiness. But in my expression, I saw agony.
The pain was too much. It hurt more than anything I’d felt before. The hole ripping in my chest dug deeper, and stretched further. I clenched my hands against my chest and leaned forward to try and offset the pain. It didn’t help. The pain just grew and grew.
The tears began to fill my eyes more and more as I became hysterical. So much had happened in that one weekend and the magnitude of the pain was just too much to bear. I wanted to do something that would allow me to never feel pain like that again. I wanted to make sure I could never be hurt by anyone ever again. Then it hit me.
There was only one way to prevent anyone from ever hurting you. And there was only one way to ensure you’d never feel pain again. It was a way I wasn’t sure I was ready for, but with where my life was headed I saw I no other choice.
In just two months I managed to fight with my best friend constantly and eventually lose him all together, I lost my job, my father died, and then I got raped and saw a video replay of it. My life was spiraling out of control and there was nothing I could do about it. Every time I tried I ended up in a worse position than before. My therapist couldn’t even help me with my problems.
I finally decided that now was the time for it all to end. My life had run its course and something was telling me that it was time to leave, so I followed its orders.
I walked into the bathroom; half blinded by the tears, a
nd opened the medicine cabinet. I reached in and grabbed out three of my prescription drugs. I sat them by the sink and walked out to get a glass from the kitchen.
I went back into the bathroom, filled up my glass and put as many pills in my mouth as I could. I swallowed them and then took a few more. I didn’t count but it seemed like I took fifteen to twenty pills. I wanted to make sure it was over quickly.
I stood there, staring at myself in the mirror, wondering what I’d become. Suicide was never the answer, but right now nothing felt more right. I was scared, hurt. I didn’t know what to expect. Would I just pass out? Would I feel it happening?
I leaned up against the wall as I waited. I held the glass in my hand so I’d have something to distract me. I played with the glass, rolling it back and forth between hands.
Finally, after some time, I began to feel dizzy. I felt weaker, less aware. My eyes began to blur and my muscles began to loosen. Then I heard the glass shatter against the ground and suddenly everything was dark.
Death was peaceful, calm. It was painless and easy. I easily made peace with it. I allowed it to consume me.
I saw flashes of familiar faces. I saw Cheyenne, Brittney and Sam. I saw my mom and my dad, back when they were happy. But most importantly, the only face that wasn’t a flash but more stationary, I saw John. Then, I neither felt nor saw anything. It was perfectly calm. It was over.
Reunited
“How is he?”
“He’s getting better, he should be awake soon.”
“Okay, and there were no complications right?”
“No, there were none whatsoever.”
“Okay, thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome. But remember, whether he wakes or not you have to leave in twenty minutes okay?”
“Okay, no problem.”
I could hear the voices surrounding me, but I didn’t know whose they were or where they were coming from. I was beginning to awaken but at this point all that came through were sounds.