A Minute to Midnight

by Thomas Gomez

  Where was I?

  Finally, after a few minutes I began to open my eyes. Everything was a blur; I could hardly make out shapes. It began to clear and then one of the voices began speaking to me.

  “Henry? Can you hear me? How are you feeling?”

  I didn’t respond; I was persistently trying to restore my blurred vision. It began to clear up a little more and I could see that it was a man speaking to me, a doctor perhaps? Slowly but steadily my vision cleared more and more and I could then see it was John standing before me.

  “John?” I asked soft, hoarse.

  “Henry! Thank God you’re okay. I was worried sick about you. How’re you feeling?” He asked curiously.

  “Okay, I suppose. What happened?”

  “You mean you don’t remember anything?”

  “No, should I?”

  He sat down on the seat by the bedside, his hand in mine.

  “You honestly can’t remember a thing?”

  “No, I told you, nothing. The last thing I remember was getting home from work. After that it’s all just a blur.”

  He inhaled deeply then exhaled. “Wow, I was hoping this wouldn’t happen.”

  “Why? Did something bad happen? Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, it was pretty terrifying.” He answered while looking down to the ground lost in thought.

  “Will you tell me?”

  He took a moment then responded. “I’m not sure why but you overdosed on about three different types of pills.” He was struggling to let out the words. “You took several pills, and I got there just in time. If I hadn’t been there you probably wouldn’t have made it.”

  “Why were you there? Weren’t you mad at me?”

  “Yes, but I felt I owed you an explanation for how I reacted. It’s something that I haven’t told anyone and I thought that after what happened I owed it to you to tell you.”

  “Okay, well I'm listening.”

  “It’s really hard for me to talk about. I’ve held it in for so long, but I guess there's a time for everything, right?” He stammered a bit as he attempted to find his words. “Umm… do you remember Elsie?”

  “The girl you dated about two years ago?”

  “Yeah, that’s her. Well after we broke up she began calling me every second of everyday. Every time I came home there were multiple messages on my answering machine. She wouldn’t leave me alone. Finally I went to her apartment and told her she had to stop calling me.” He took a short pause as he struggled to fight back tears. “She said that she knew for a fact we were destined to be together but I didn’t agree, so I told her she had to get over me because I had already gotten over her.

  “That finally got her to stop. I left her apartment and went home. About two days later I woke up to my phone ringing. I answered and the woman on the other end said she was Elsie’s mom. I was really nervous, wondering what was wrong. Her mom told me that Elsie had killed herself two days before, the day I went to her house, and she left a note. She asked me to go pick it up, so I did.

  “On the front was my name and inside was my personal invitation to hell. I felt horrible, for what I’d done. She wrote about how much she loved me and about how she could never give herself to another man. She mentioned how she dreamed of us being together forever and she wrote all of the good memories we shared.

  “It was the most painful note I’d ever read. I wanted so badly for it to be over but it was very long. There were paragraphs and paragraphs of memories in it. I never even knew she paid so much attention to the things we did together, the little things.

  “I was depressed for days, knowing that I practically killed someone who loved me more than anything else in her life. I was the most important thing to her and I left because I was bored with her. I was selfish.

  “I felt I had to tell you that because of how I reacted when you made those accusations. It hurt more than anything, to know that you of all people could think I would do something so horrible. I just needed you to know I wasn’t a bad person.”

  He was crying heavily now. I could see the toll this was taking on him. The pain he must have felt when he found out about it. The pain he was feeling now that he’s been reminded of it.

  “I'm so sorry, John. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. I’m sorry I made you relive it. It wasn’t fair to you.”

  “It’s okay, I’ll be fine.” He commented as he tried to tame the tears that were now flowing rapidly down his cheeks.

  I sat there quietly for a moment while I waited for him to stop crying. I didn’t want to add to any of the pain.

  “There’s… there’s something else I needed to get off my chest. Something you will really want to hear.”

  “I think you’ve suffered enough for one day John, tell me another time.”

  “No, this can’t wait. It’s something positive anyway.”

  “Okay?” I answered curious of what he had to tell me next. What could possibly be positive after a story like that?

  “There were nights I would stay up and question myself. I would consider the possibility of us being together then I would wonder what was wrong with me for even thinking it. It all started when I first met you. You were so sweet and generous. You never stopped apologizing for anything and you did everything you could to help others.

  “It amazed me how nice you were. Always giving, never taking. And when I began imagining us together I thought I was just going through a phase. I had just made my first gay friend and he was amazing. I figured it would blow over soon, but it never did.”

  He paused for a moment‒tears finally coming to a stop‒trying to work up the courage to speak his mind.

  “Then one day, I can’t remember what happened, but something did happen and it allowed me to feel something for you. That feeling scared me. I thought I might be changing when I knew I shouldn’t. So I took those feelings and shoved them in the deepest pit of my mind and hoped they would never escape. Then you kissed me.

  “I knew I had to do something. My mind began racing and all my feelings for you came back and they weren’t alone. New feelings came and I began to express emotions I never knew I had. You began to change everything and that change scared the hell out of me, so I ran.”

  The nurse walked in, “It’s time for you to leave John.”

  “Wait,” I said, my eyes never leaving John’s.

  “I was being selfish and cruel. But I knew I had to protect myself from something I thought was dangerous. But now I know the truth and the truth is it was no more dangerous than loving a woman.

  “I can’t keep trying to save myself, because the more I allow myself to be selfish the more we both get hurt.

  “I’m ready Henry. I’m ready to commit to something I was afraid of. We belong together and there’s no more denying that. I love you, Henry.”

  “Come on now, John. Henry really needs his rest.”

  I was practically in a state of shock. I thought I’d never hear those words again. Those three little words that have more power than any other words combined. I wanted to respond, but I was frozen.

  John got up and turned to the nurse.

  “We should be releasing him tomorrow afternoon if you’d like to come pick him up,” the nurse stated as he walked toward her.

  “Thank you.”

  “Wait, John…” I paused as he turned back around to face me, “I love you, too.” I struggled to free the words as I studied this fantasy. It was hard to believe it was finally real.

  A smile grew upon his face as he came back to me and kissed me. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow,” he said, smiling again.

  “Okay, see you tomorrow.”

  He got up and walked out of the room.

  After many failed attempts to be with him and after all the pain we both witnessed, it was finally real. He had finally said he loved me and this time he truly meant it.

  The next morning I woke up ready to leave. I wanted to go home already but I couldn’t. The doctor ne
eded to run some routine tests to make sure I had fully recuperated.

  “Squeeze this,” Dr. Valdez said as she handed me a plush ball. She was drawing blood to run some tests. “So, if you don’t mind me asking, why did you feel like you had to end it on your own that way?”

  “There were too many things going wrong in my life, I took too many wrong turns.”

  “John seems to be pretty taken by you. How could you feel so alone with someone like him by your side?”

  “That’s just the thing, he wasn’t by my side. He was the closest friend to me but then we hit a bump in the road and we stopped talking for a while. There were many things that happened between us and he became the main reason I felt I had to end it. I was scared he’d hurt me again.”

  “Wow, I would have never guessed by the way he looks at you,” she answered.

  “Yeah, he can be pretty tough to read. But I can see what everyone else can’t. I can see how he really feels and right now, he’s just afraid. He’s scared he’s going to lose me, so now I’m trying my best to make sure he doesn’t.”

  “I can imagine he would be. He seems to really care about you. You lucked out with him, good for you,” she said smiling.

  “Thank you.”

  “Now, I have to ask, are you seeing a psychologist of any kind?”

  “Yeah, I’m seeing Dr. John Monroe. His office isn’t too far from here.”

  “Oh yeah, I know him. He’s a really good therapist, once again, you got lucky,” she said chuckling.

  “So are you the doctor that helped save me?”

  “I was just doing my job, there’s no need to thank me.”

  “Well thank you anyway. If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be here right now and I probably would have never discovered how John really feels about me. It means a lot to me.”

  She smiled at me then continued doing her tests. “I’m just glad you made it, I didn’t do all the work you know. John did most of it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, when he found you, he immediately called 911 and did whatever he had to, to make sure you’d be okay. I talked to him about it after I took care of you. He really pulled through. If he had never found you, I would have never gotten to save you.”

  I looked down to the ground. I was happy he was there to save me, but I felt horrible that he had to see me like that. He didn’t deserve that kind of memory. It wasn’t fair to him.

  Finally all the tests were done and I was free to go. I was gathering my belongings when John walked in the room.

  “You’re looking better already,” he said as he walked in.

  “I feel better too,” I said smiling.

  “So are you ready to finally get home?”

  “You have no idea!”

  He laughed as he came over to me. He grabbed me by the waist and kissed me softly on the lips, then pulled back a few inches and whispered, “I've missed you so much. I'm so glad to finally have you back.”

  “I couldn't agree more,” I said smiling.

  Dear John

  I opened the door to my apartment and walked in with John following behind. Brittney and Cheyenne were there and as soon as they heard the door open they came rushing over.

  “HENRY!” They yelled in unison as they saw me round the corner into the kitchen.

  “Hey, you guys! I've missed you! But why are you here? What about your Hawaiian getaway?”

  “Did you really think we were still going to leave when we found out about what happened? What kind of friends would we be?” Brittney answered.

  “Well I'm sure John must have told you I was doing fine. You should've gone! I don't want to hold you back from having fun!”

  “Don't worry about us, we'll be fine! Besides, we live in Clearwater, it's not like we're ever really that bored. We have beaches and getaways right here,” Cheyenne chimed in.

  We all slowly made our way to the living room and sat down as we spoke, John by my side and Brittney and Cheyenne sitting in the love seat off to our right.

  “Well I really don't think you two should've stayed because you don't have to take care of Henry anymore,” John proclaimed.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I'm more than positive Henry told you everything already. The three of you have no secrets. You also don't know privacy,” he laughed.

  “So what if he did? What are you implying we should know?” Brittney asked.

  “I told him that I realized that I can't live my life without him anymore. Don't you think that would mean I would be moving in to take care of him now? That means you two won't have to anymore. You're now off Henry duty.”

  “When did I become a job?”

  “Trust us, you're a handful,” Cheyenne retorted.

  “Well are you sure you two will be fine on your own? Plus what about when you have to work, John?” Brittney asked sounding pessimistic.

  “I've taken the next week off and I've asked for as few hours as possible for the two weeks after that. So you're off Henry duty for a week, but you still won't have to stay here. Plus, not to be mean but I'd rather you not be here.”

  “Hey! You know you love us!” Cheyenne exclaimed.

  “I do, I do. I just want some time alone with him. You know how that is,” he said with a grin sweeping across his face.

  He looked over at me and I couldn't help but smile back. I loved his smile and it felt nice to see it again, to see him happy once more. Things were finally back to the way they were, plus a few perks.

  “Say no more. We'll be glad to leave you two alone. Come on Chey, let's go pack.” Brittney said as she grabbed Cheyenne's hand and pulled her toward my room.

  Since they moved in to help me out they started leaving a few things in a drawer in my room. Each night they rotated between which one would sleep over so they both left one or to two outfits and some other essentials for the next morning.

  I followed them into the room and sat on my bed. They were both standing before the dresser pulling things out one by one and refolding them on the mattress. John left us to get a few of his things out of the car. He had already planned to move in before he'd even gotten me out of the hospital.

  “I'm sorry you guys have to leave.”

  “No, no. Don't worry about the two of us. We'll be fine. We're just happy you and John worked through everything. Now remind us, how good does he kiss?” Cheyenne asked with every intention of being nosy.

  “Amazingly, and don't get any ideas about finding out for yourself. I don't need him switching teams again!” I exclaimed laughing.

  “Ha-ha! Don't worry sweetie, I'd never steal a man from you. It's in the girlfriend handbook. And yes, you qualify as a ‘girlfriend.’”

  “I just hope everything goes the way we're all hoping it does. I'd hate to see anything bad happen.”

  “Way to ruin the mood Britt!” Cheyenne retorted.

  “It's all right; I'm hoping the same thing. I don't know what I would do if he left again.”

  “You wouldn't kill yourself that's for sure!”

  “Cheyenne!” Brittney yelled at her and I could tell she felt embarrassed for me.

  “No, it's fine. They say you should talk about these things to help the healing process. Although the jokes are a bit much,” I said trying to spare Cheyenne the guilt. Although I wasn't sure Cheyenne knew what guilt was.

  “Sorry, I'm just trying not to make a big deal out of it. I thought that would make you feel better about the whole thing.”

  “Well it would but the jokes just make it awkward.”

  They were done folding everything by now and they had begun putting it all in a small duffle bag that they left in my closet. We all sat quiet for a moment as they did so and when they were done I got up to walk them out.

  “You guys have been so much help the past few weeks and I couldn't be more grateful. Really, thank you so much,” I said as I walked them to the front door.

  “Don't worry. We were happy to help. We always hel
p a friend in need.” Brittney answered.

  I turned around as I closed the door and John appeared just before me.

  “Where'd you come from? I thought you were down at the car?”

  “I just came up with some things to put in the bathroom for my showers; all of your stuff is a little too girlie for my taste. I may have just turned gay but I don't need to smell like lavender and chamomile already,” he answered laughing.

  It was odd hearing him use the word openly without thinking twice. It was like he had been gay forever, he was oddly at ease. I half expected him to still be in denial.

  “Well I'm sorry for wanting to smell clean! I don't want to smell like a musky man unlike some people,” I retorted.

  “It's okay; I love the way you smell.” He said as he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly.

  I couldn't help but smile. He made me so happy, how could I not? I grabbed his hand and lead him to the bedroom; it didn't take long for him to get the wrong impression.

  “Whoa, already? You just got out of the hospital an hour ago. Plus I've only been gay for like twenty-four hours!” He proclaimed with complete confusion.

  “No… gosh you have a dirty mind! I just want to lay with you, I've missed you.”

  We laid down on the bed, John to my right, his hand intertwined in my mine, my head on his chest. It was perfect. It was everything I imagined it to be.

  I could feel his heartbeat, the warmth that emanated from him. It was serene. We could lie this way all day and I wouldn't mind. I just needed to be there with him, that was all that mattered.

  “You feeling okay?”

  “Couldn't feel better,” I said smiling.

  I counted his heart beats. I listened to the tempo. I began to close my eyes and as I did I could see colorful ribbons dancing to the beat of his heart. It was magnificent, beautiful. I watched as they danced. Such grace and happiness. There wasn't a care in the world.

  I lay there, watching the ribbons dance, listening to his heartbeat. I continued to feel the warmth he gave off and as I grew more comfortable I began to lose consciousness little by little until I finally fell asleep, never letting go of his hand.