by Thomas Gomez
I woke up the next morning alone. John had already gotten out of bed. I looked over at the clock on my night stand, ten in the morning. At least I wasn't sleeping in anymore.
I got up and walked out to the living room to find him, he was setting breakfast on the table.
“Perfect timing, sleep well?”
“You didn't have to do all of this. Really I can do some things on my own.” I said as I walked over to him. He kissed me then pulled out a chair for me. “So chivalry isn't dead I see.”
“Of course not and yes I know you can do things for yourself but I wanted to do this. You shouldn't work yourself too hard.”
“It's not like I had surgery or anything. I am allowed to do the things I would normally.”
“Eat your breakfast and stop complaining. You already know I'm going to do things for you whether you say I can or not. I just worry about you,” he spoke with concern filling his voice.
“Well don't. I was depressed because you'd left me, but clearly that's not an issue anymore. Thanks anyway, it means a lot that you care so much,” I said smiling, trying to console him.
“So what are we going to do for fun today? I was thinking maybe we could just hang out at the beach or something?”
“That sounds pretty good to me. I haven't really been in a while.”
“Great, then go ahead and finish up your breakfast and I'll get some things together so we can go.” He said as he got up from his chair and cleared his surprisingly empty dishes. I didn't even notice how fast he'd eaten.
I sat and ate my breakfast and just as I was done John came out of the room with a small bag in his left hand and my bathing suit in the other. I took it and got dressed.
I was a little excited to finally go to the beach just to have some fun. The last time I was there I was looking for seclusion, now I could be there just to spend time with John. Now it was different. It was better.
As we drove he held my hand in his. It was still so different for me. I wondered if he felt the same, if he was used to it yet. I would've thought I'd be the first to grow accustomed to this, but it was so surreal I thought I was living a dream. It was a little too perfect.
We pulled into a parking spot and got out. As we made our way down the beach I listened to the people surrounding us. Listened to the laughs, the happiness. Finally I was a part of their world again. No longer succumbed to my misery. I was whole again, happy.
“This looks like a good spot,” John said as he brought me back to reality.
“Uh, yeah this is fine,” I spoke trying to regain focus.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I'm just a little distracted. It feels good to be out again like this, I've missed it.”
“Well good get used to it. You can't be locked up in your apartment anymore,” John said laughing.
“Humph, I wasn't planning on it.”
I grabbed his hand as we sat down on our towel. It wasn't till then that I noticed the group of guys stationed just to our right, just past my view of John. I could hear them snickering, whispering about us. I was used to that by now, but John wasn't. I didn't know how he'd feel about it, so I wanted to move.
“How about we move?” I asked as I stood before him.
“What? Why? What's wrong with this spot?”
“Nothing really, it's just a little crowded. I think I saw a spot over there that was a little emptier.” I pointed to a random spot that, unfortunately, was more crowded than our current one.
“What? There's like twice as many people over there? What's wrong?” He asked, baffled by my behavior.
“Nothing, it's just-”
“Hold on, are you serious?”
“What?”
“Are you seriously trying to get away from those guys over there? I've known you for seven years and you've never cared about what other guys think. What's so different about today?” He asked looking confused and disoriented.
“You are,” I spoke quietly trying not to make him feel bad. “You're what's different about today. This was one of the main issues you had with admitting your true feelings; you were scared of what other people would think. I just don't want you to get hurt. People can be pretty harsh.”
“You don't need to worry about me. I'm a pretty tough guy, I can take care of myself,” he said reassuringly.
I just half smiled and sat back down beside him. I grabbed his hand again, scared to lose him. I know he's tough but that kind of emotional torture isn't easy to deal with. I'd be okay because I'd had years to learn to ignore it. I knew that if I didn't pay them any attention they'd leave me be, but John wasn't that kind of guy. He was the kind to act upon hatred, to try and set people straight. But in this world, that'll just make it worse.
We sat there for a while, talking about everything, anything. We hardly went in the water. We just sat together. It was nice, until he decided to get in an argument.
“Fags!” Some ignorant guy yelled at us.
“John don't,” I whispered harshly to him.
It didn't matter; he got up and was headed over to that man. Poor idiot didn't even know what he just started.
“What the hell did you call me?” John yelled at him.
“You heard me, fag.”
“Who the hell do you think you are, coming here calling people names just because they have someone and you don’t? You're just a lonely lowlife without a care in the world and that's going to screw you over one day.”
“John, leave it be! He's not going to listen.”
“Yeah, listen to your little bitch,” that was it. I didn't even have time to react. One second they were yelling and the next John had him pinned on the ground.
John lunged at him, full force. He had him on the ground, pinned, but the man got one hand loose and punched him. I gasped. John wasn't having it; he punched him square in the jaw, then again, and once more. He wouldn't stop.
“JOHN!” I yelled as loud as the tears allowed. I couldn't handle seeing him like this. I was afraid for that man’s life. I'd never seen John so mad, the rage was vile, evil. “John, stop! Please,” I continued crying.
He got up off of the man, and that's when I saw what he'd done. The man had a bloody nose, a busted lip and cuts all over his face. He was hardly awake. He couldn't bear the pain, he wanted to pass out. His friends surrounded him instantly as John walked away.
He didn't even look at me, he just walked away. I stood there for a moment, astounded. I never knew what he was capable of, I had no idea he could hurt someone so much. He could've killed him.
After a moment I turned, grabbed our things and walked to the car to meet John. I saw him there pacing back and forth, frustrated.
“John…”
“He deserved it!”
“No he didn't, he didn't deserve to feel that kind of pain.”
“You heard what he called you!”
“Yes, but I would never imagine taking his life! You almost did.”
“I didn't try to, I was mad. I just wanted-”
“I know what you tried to do, but when you get that mad there's no telling what could happen. That's why I wanted to leave. I knew you couldn't handle it.”
“But he was hurting you, I could see it,” he snapped.
“Yeah, it did hurt, but I don't care. I was happy with you until you did that. Then I was scared thinking 'what if this wasn't the only time? What if the next time this happens the guy actually dies?' Then what would I do, John? How could I live with myself if you did that because of me?
“There are some people that are just too ignorant to teach, and he was one of them. He's the kind of person that will never understand and you have to deal with that. Being gay isn't just a lifestyle; it's a test of strength and endurance. You can't beat up every man that calls you a name; you just have to ignore it. It will never be easy but it can get easier. You just have to trust me, it'll get better.”
He was quiet, lost in thought. I could see the pain in his eyes, surrounded by worry. He wa
s afraid, not just for me, but for himself as well. He was afraid he'd hurt someone and that I'd never forgive him for it.
I wanted him to know I didn't blame him, so I hugged him. I grabbed him tightly, afraid to let go. It took a moment but he finally hugged me back.
“Thank you; I'm not sure what I would've done had you not stopped me. It's just when he said that about you, called you that name, I couldn't contain myself. I had to defend you, I couldn't lose you. I couldn't feel the way I felt in that emergency room again, I just couldn't do it,” he spoke softly, “I'm sorry.”
I didn't respond. I just looked up and kissed him. I was thankful that he cared, and that kiss had no trouble showing it. It was passionate, powerful. It was a kiss I'd never forget.
I pulled back and smiled. We got back in the car and drove back to my apartment. Neither of us spoke the whole way back. We weren't mad, there was just nothing left to say.
“I'm so hungry,” I said as we walked through the door.
“Me too!” John called back to me as he walked in the kitchen.
He made dinner while I watched TV, again not letting me fend for myself. I didn't mind it too much though. I liked not having to do anything, though I was surprised he even knew how to cook.
After we ate he came and watched TV with me. He sat down while I lay across the couch resting my head in his lap. He combed through my hair as we watched, it felt amazing.
My phone began ringing and I reach over to it on the coffee table. Brittney was calling.
“Hey Britt, what’s up?”
“Hey, not much, about to clock out of work. You and John home?”
“Always,” I laughed. “Were you planning on coming over?”
“Yeah, I just wanted to check in and see how your first day home went.”
“Well it was pretty perfect, but could've been a little smoother.”
“What do you mean? Is everything okay?” She asked in concern.
“Yeah, everything's fine. I'll explain when you get here.”
“Okay, well I'm getting ready to leave now so I should be there in about thirty minutes. Okay?”
“Yeah, sounds good. See you then.” I looked up at John, “Looks like Britt's coming to check on us. Doesn't she know we're grown men?”
“Hah! Yeah right, her motherly instincts are practically the only instincts she has. She'll always baby us,” John said laughing.
I got a chill and shivered a bit. I hadn't realized how cold I was.
“Are you cold? I can get you a sweater or something,” John offered.
“No it's fine. I can get it.”
“No, you stay here. I'll get it. Remember I'm going to do everything whether you want me to or not.”
He got up and went to the bedroom. I focused more on the TV, my favorite show was on.
“Hey, I don't see your sweater!” John called from the bedroom.
“Check the top shelf of the closet!” I yelled back.
I knew I was pretty focused on the show because I hadn't realized how long John was taking. Where was he? “John?”
No answer.
I walked to the bedroom to find him and I found a little more than I bargained for. He was sitting at the further edge of the bed facing away from me. To his left lay a box I dreaded seeing. My heart stopped.
“John…”
He was frozen for a moment, staring at the letter that came from the box. Then he turned to me, tears filled his eyes and streamed down his cheeks. I was heartbroken.
“John, please!”
“Why the hell would you do this? How could you keep these after everything I told you in the hospital?”
“I forgot-”
“You should have thrown them out!” He yelled so loud I could feel my legs begin to tremble. He was mad, no he was more than that. He was furious. “How could you do this?” He cried.
“I never meant for you to see them! I'm sorry! Please believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you. I would've thrown them out if I remembered they were there.”
“You should've remembered. But instead you'd rather me read these suicide letters,” he choked out the words, barely containing his composure.
“No! John I wrote those a while back, I was depressed about you leaving so I wrote them as an outlet. I never meant anything by writing them. I swear.”
“You attempted suicide, how could they be nothing but an outlet?”
“John please, it's not why I wrote them.”
“You saw how Elsie impacted me; you saw the things her one letter did to me! Then you wrote these, all of these. How could you?”
“If I had known back then I would've never written them, I swear.”
“I need to think,” he spoke through gritted teeth, pain in his voice. He got up from the bed and rushed past me.
I stood there, still, vacant. My mind shuffled through apologies, but none were good enough. Nothing but his thoughts could fix this. I had to let him go.
“John, John?” I heard Brittney yell from the front door. “Henry!”
I walked out of the bedroom, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“Oh no! What happened?” She asked as she ran over to me.
I explained everything that happened, told her of my stupidity. She cringed at the details, attempted to console me. I even told her about Elsie.
“She did the same, the only difference was she didn't make it. She hurt him more than anything else in his life. He'd never felt that kind of pain before. I was horrified when I saw that same look on his face when he read my letter. The same look he had at the hospital when he explained it all.”
“Henry, I'm sure he'll forgive you. He just needs to clear his mind. He'll be back, I promise.”
“That's not what I'm worried about. I know he's coming back, there's no way he'd trust me alone anymore. But that's just it. I'm afraid he'll never be able to trust me again. I really hurt him.” I explained, not even trying to hide the tears. I knew pain, but I couldn't understand his.
I wasn't sure how long it had been, maybe an hour, but John finally decided to come back. I was happy he did. I wasn't sure how long I could wait before I went after him.
“Thanks for being here for him, Brittney. I'm sorry I put you in the middle of this. But everything is fine now; I just needed a moment to breathe.”
“It's not a problem, really. I'd do anything for you guys, you know that,” she said smiling.
“Thanks anyway. Now I don't mean be rude but-”
“Say no more, I'm gone. I'll come back tomorrow; you guys take all the time you need to work it out.” She spoke quickly, as she got up and was gone in an instant, though I kind of felt like she still had her ear to the door outside.
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-” I cut him off.
“Stop, you have no right to apologize and every right to be mad. I know what I did was horrible; I should've thrown everything out the second I got home. I'm sorry I'm such an idiot.”
“You are not an idiot, Henry. I'm just a drama queen.”
“Glad we agree on one thing,” I laughed.
“Don't think you're off the hook that easily. I can't imagine seeing another note like that ever again, so I have a few conditions.”
“Okay…”
“First, you need to see Dr. Monroe until I think you're ready to quit. Second, you are not to go one minute with any guilt or pain held back. You have something to say to me or the girls then you say it, don't spare our feelings. I want to make sure you let everything out so you never get sent over the edge again. Lord knows what I would do if that happened.
“And third, don't ever for one minute feel like you're alone in anything. I'll always be here for you, with you. Even if I'm mad at you, remember that I'm still here. That'll never change. I promise.” He spoke reassuringly but there was concern hidden beneath his voice.
“I promise I'll never take on anything alone. I won't forget it.”
“Come on, let's get some sleep. We've both had a long day,
” he said smiling.
We went to the room and got undressed. We got down to our boxers then climbed into bed as usual. I reached over and felt his chest, the warmth was comforting.
I looked up to him and kissed him. I'm not sure what came over us but we began kissing more and more passionately. He wrapped his arms around me as I got up above him, each one of my legs on either side of his body. He continued to kiss me like he'd been waiting forever for it. Like it was new to him.
I rubbed my hand up against his torso, feeling the warmth. But he cut me short.
“Wait, I don't think I'm ready for this.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well I didn't think it would be an issue given the fact we've already done it twice but I'm just really nervous. I don't know, it's like I'm afraid it will scare me away or something. I just don't want to indulge in the moment and regret something later, you know? I mean this is all still so new.”
“Don't worry, I understand. You're positive you want me you just don't want to rush things and confuse yourself, right?”
“Exactly, thanks for understanding,” he said with a half-smile on his face.
“Don't worry, it's fine,” I reassured him.
I climbed off of him and lay back on the bed. I curled up next to him with my head on his chest again. The warmth was calming and perfect. I loved it.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you more,” I whispered back.
Adjusting
“What about this one?” I asked John before realizing he wasn't there. “John? John!?”
I finally found him in the electronics section. We had gone shopping at the mall for some new clothes and he clearly wasn't enjoying it. He took every chance he got to escape.
“What the hell John, must you do this every time?”
“But look! This one’s in 3D! That's awesome! Can we please get it?” He sounded like a little kid in a candy shop.
“No, John we're here for clothes remember? And not just for me, you need them too.”
“Ugh! But I don't feel like shopping. I just want to play in 3D,” he said as he smiled at the massive TV before him.