Learning to Love Again

by A. K. Rose

  “We are. Definitely. I was hoping . . . do you mind if Rachel comes? She’s a runner too and I thought it would be fun if we could all do it together.”

  “Of course, sure. Have you been running?”

  “Yeah, I have been. I’ve been in a pretty good groove, honestly. We go together now a couple times a week. It’s been really great to do that with her—to share that interest.”

  “That’s . . . well, that’s really great Cass. Are things good, then? With y’all?” Jessica’s plate looked like a five-year-old had been clawing at a mound of spaghetti. She’d been eating through the conversation, but you wouldn’t know it.

  “Things are great. I mean, things are really great. I almost blew it, to be honest. I had to get out of my head for a minute and realize just how amazing she is, and thank God she gave me a second chance, because it’s been so good since then,” Cassie said with a smile, her face telegraphing the genuine happiness she felt inside. She didn’t know if she was in love yet. It was too soon, she told herself repeatedly. She was definitely happy, and that was a huge step forward. It felt good to have a deeper connection with someone who wanted her just the way she was for a change.

  “I’m so happy for you, really. I thought for a while I might need to get a new dentist, but . . .”

  “You did? Why?

  “Well, when I went back for my check up after the root canal, she was hurting, it was obvious. I don’t know what happened with you two, but she was plying me for info, and it was kind of uncomfortable, that’s all. But it sounds like you straightened it out.”

  Cassie sighed as she studied the brim of her coffee cup. She was sad that she’d hurt Rachel initially, but knew it was in the past, so didn’t dwell on it. She couldn’t tell Jessica the absolute truth of the situation, and it didn’t matter anyway. Her world had been so small just one month prior—for the five years she’d been in Austin—she knew that now. She knew she’d been hiding herself by presenting a certain identity only to be a different person entirely on the inside. By staying in the closet in Austin, she was a ticking time bomb and had unwittingly set herself up to fall for her friend instead of being on the market, instead of looking for someone who could love her back. It was an easy trap, and she’d fallen right into it.

  “Yeah, I know. I had a slight meltdown, but it worked out okay in the end. So, how’s your love life these days? Met a new singer yet?” Cassie asked, deflecting.

  “Nope, you know, I’m taking a break from dating right now. It’s just not a good time with the holidays. No one wants that awkwardness,” Jessica leaned closer across the table for emphasis, ‘Oh, hi, we just met—want to come meet my family over way too much food and booze and let them ask you why we’re not married?’ It’s not a good time.”

  “Oh, you’re right, I hadn’t even thought about that. So, what are you doing for Thanksgiving, besides the race?”

  “I’m going to my aunt’s in San Antonio. Everyone will be there, so I can answer all the questions about why I’m not yet married in one fell swoop. At some point, Aunt Mona will tell me she has just the man for me and will figure out some contrived way to introduce us. He’ll be an accountant or an analyst or some other boring guy who has a job that starts with an “a.” I know this script—it’s been written over and over again.”

  “Sounds delightful.” Cassie deadpanned as she folded her napkin and placed it on the table. This hadn’t been too bad. They were talking again like they used to. They were joking too. It was fine. It was a relief.

  “It is totally delightful. What about you? What are you and the good dentist up to?”

  “You know, I was going to ask her to run the race with us if you agreed, but hadn’t gotten farther than that. I was planning on going to Houston, but it feels like a really big step to ask her to come with me. I mean, it’s only been a month. I don’t know that I want to expose her to my family’s special brand of crazy just yet.”

  “Makes sense. Where’s she from, anyway?” Jessica asked.

  “Believe it or not, Nashville. Came to Texas to go to dental school and never left, lucky for me. She’s not terribly close with her family. Her folks are super religious and just can’t accept her. She confused them by dating men when she was younger; they seem to keep waiting for her to change her mind, for the phase to pass.”

  “Do you ever think that? That it’s just a phase that will pass?”

  “Liking women?” Cassie confirmed before answering. She didn’t know if Jess was asking about her relationship with Rachel, or the bigger picture.

  “Yeah. Like, don’t you wonder if it’ll change in time?”

  “Nope. I know the answer, trust me. This is something I’ve thought about a lot in my life. Like, why is Claire who she is and I ended up being who I am? I mean, we’re twins. God only knows why we are so different, in all aspects of our lives. Genetics and biology are confusing. But, I can say with certainty—I’ve tried both flavors of that ice cream, and I know which one I like. It’s pretty clear.”

  “I get it, I think. But, how are you satisfied?”

  “Huh? What do you mean?”

  “Crap, Cass, I’m sorry, I’m kind of a dolt. I just don’t understand what goes on in the bedroom. I don’t have any context,” Jess was curious, but she could have done a better job of asking this particular question. How was she going to handle herself in a courtroom if she couldn’t put the right words together in a way that didn’t seem so small-minded?

  “Are you asking about my sex life? Like what goes where?”

  “No . . . yeah, I guess, yeah.”

  The steady din of conversation in the background had gradually dissipated—it was almost quiet now. They’d been in their booth for quite some time, giving the once-crowded diner time to clear out, and allowing this conversation to go places Cassie hadn’t expected. How should she answer this question?

  “You really want to know?”

  “Kind of, yeah. I just never thought much about it, you know?”

  “Well, that’s how you know you’re straight,” Cassie laughed. “If you’d thought about it, I would have a totally different response. But, it works out, trust me. It’s all good. You don’t need man parts to have an intimate relationship. It’s honestly better. The connection is much deeper, much more real. At least for me. But, it’s not for everyone.”

  “Yeah, okay,” Jessica offered, turning a spoon in her coffee, seemingly placated by that answer, or at least polite enough not to ask further questions.

  As Cassie glanced up at the clock on the wall, she realized it was already nine-thirty. She needed to get out of there soon to make it across town. “I need to get going, sorry. I told Rachel I’d meet her at ten for a drink at the bar. You want to come?”

  “Nah . . . I’d better get home . . . Cass?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Thanks. I’ve missed this. Us. It feels good to hang out again,” Jessica said, her appreciation sincere. She missed her friend. It felt good to have her back.

  + + +

  Cassie hadn’t been back in the bar where she’d met Rachel since that fateful night Holly introduced them. She hadn’t felt a need, but Rachel wanted to go out on the town, to go back to the place they’d met. She’d been understanding enough to let Cassie go do her dinner thing with Jess—an incredible gift, all things considered.

  “Come here often?” Cassie asked as she stepped next to a tall brunette standing at a pub table in the back of the bar, her arm working its way around a welcoming waist.

  “Don’t you have a better line than that?” Rachel asked, putting down her phone and kicking up one heel before placing a kiss on Cassie’s lips, a gesture so natural it felt like they’d been together years, instead of just one month.

  “I’m afraid not, but I do have the hottest date here.” Cassie could be cocky when she wanted to, she just needed time to work into it.

  “Good save, counselor. So, do you want to dance?”

  It was Country night at the bar
, and they two-stepped their way around the small dance floor, enjoying each other’s company and singing out of key along with the music. The moment wasn’t lost on Cassie; she was out in Austin, her adopted hometown, with an interesting woman, dancing without a care. Her hands felt at home on Rachel’s waist, her eyes trained a step or two ahead of them as she steered them around the crowd, the worn hardwood floor smooth beneath her feet. It felt comfortable. It felt right. She wasn’t worried about who might see her or what they might think or even what tomorrow might bring. For the first time in a very long time, she was in the moment.

  “Hey,” Cassie started as a slow ballad ended and she navigated them back to an empty table, “do you want to run the Turkey Trot next week? Jess and I run it every year. It’s fun. It’s not really a race—just more of a big bunch of people running off some calories so they can go pig out. What do you think?”

  “Do you mean run it with you, or run it with you and Jess?”

  “Hmm, is there a right answer to this question?” Cassie was cautious. Had she walked into a trap she hadn’t considered?

  “No, no. It’s fine, I just wondered the situation, that’s all. I’d love to run it, of course,” Rachel said with a smile. She’d run the race, sure, but was hesitant about the Jessica factor. She hadn’t been concerned about Cassie going to dinner with her friend earlier that evening, but wasn’t terribly excited about the three of them spending time together. She was still slightly embarrassed about what had happened in her dental chair, but it was becoming clear that Cassie and Jessica were mending fences. If she wanted to be in Cassie’s life, she was going to have to deal with a side dish of Jessica Taylor every now and then.

  “Well, that’s great; that makes me happy. I wondered . . . and feel free to say no . . . do you want to come to Houston with me afterwards? I hate the thought of you spending Thanksgiving alone. My family is nuts, but I’d love it if you’d come with me.”

  Rachel looked out over the dance floor, surveying the activity as she thought. Was she ready for this? To meet the family? It was early, but she really liked Cassie. She was curious to meet the twin sister who was supposedly so different, to see where Cassie grew up. She didn’t have any plans, aside from the race she was now running and binge-watching Netflix, but it was a big step. Something deep inside told her it would be okay, though. It was the right thing to do—to spend the holiday together, to meet Cassie’s family, to explore the potential of a longer term relationship building. They’d spent plenty of overnights together by now, but a trip would bring out a different facet of their relationship. There was nowhere to escape on a trip like this, especially if things went awry. It was a risk she was willing to take.

  “You know, I’d like that. If that’s what you want, I mean.”

  “I’d love it,” Cassie confirmed, relieved. “Hey . . . you want to get out of here? Can I drive you home?”

  “Is that your way of asking to come home with me?”

  “It might be. What do you say? Need a ride?”

  “Not really, my car is in the garage across the street—but, I’ve never been good at saying no to cute blondes with nervous hands,” Rachel said, taking a bottle of water out of Cassie’s hands, its label all but shredded.

  + + +

  “So, how was your dinner? It sounds like you two are working it out,” Rachel asked from the passenger seat of the Jeep, unable to totally let go of her curiosity regarding her patient who also happened to be Cassie’s best friend. She trusted Cassie, mostly, but held onto a small amount of uncertainty considering the nature of their friendship.

  “You know, pretty well. She’s nervous about a case starting in the New Year; she has to go to court for the first time, so we talked a lot about that. We talked about the race, the holidays, you know, the usual.”

  “Oh, sounds nice. So things are good, then?”

  “Yeah, they’re good.”

  “Do you still have feelings for her?”

  “What?!”

  “Come on Cass, it’s a fair question, you know that. I was just curious, that’s all. Do you still have romantic feelings for her?”

  They were sitting at a red light two blocks from Rachel’s house. Cassie turned to look straight into the green eyes of her companion, and truthfully answered. “I don’t. Not at all. I’ve thought about this, you know. I realized that it wasn’t so much Jessica, but that I was living in such a small world—such a bubble—that I fixated on my best friend . . . besides . . . it could never be. She’s very straight. I’ve seen her in her true light, and there’s nothing there. I promise. I thought I had these feelings for her, until I realized it was more of an infatuation with something I knew I couldn’t have. A crush, more so than real love. When I went to the beach, a lightbulb went off for me because I was missing you so much . . .”

  “The light’s green,” Rachel interjected, nodding her head as she listened. “So you’re over it? That fast?”

  “Rach, I’m over it. The universe works in mysterious ways, you know. When we met, I was reaching a turning point in my life. I was leaning in to who I really am, to not caring what other people think about me. I was already on that journey, and then for some reason, I went to a bar I’d never been to before. I did something so out of character, I still can’t believe it. And then, under a neon sign of all places, there you stood—you were practically glowing standing under that sign, and I knew I needed to meet you. Holly helped, sure. But, I’m confident I would have found another way, I would have. I know I bobbled in the beginning—I’m way too much of a thinker. But trust me, because this is the truth—for me, it’s you. It’s only you.”

  In Rachel’s driveway, staring at a closed garage door, the soft top of Cassie’s Jeep barely keeping them warm from the chill that awaited outside, Cassie considered spilling her guts further, that she was falling in love, but held back. It wasn’t the time, not yet.

  “That’s the most real thing you’ve said to me since we met,” Rachel reeled, taking Cassie’s hand from its resting place on the steering wheel, her voice adjusting in volume now that the car had stopped. “Here’s a little secret . . . For me, it’s you, too. I don’t know why, I can’t explain it—but I find you so confusingly interesting, and charming in your insecurities. I just needed to know that the thing with Jessica is a non-issue. That you’re not going to break my heart because you can’t get over her.”

  “I’m over her. I am. And I’d really like to be over you—in a more literal sense. Should we go in?”

  “You don’t have to ask me twice . . .”

  TWELVE

  They stood amongst thousands of runners of all shapes and sizes, huddled together under a pop-up tent, rain pounding down with such ferocity, Cassie felt like she could be in a washing machine. Maybe this Turkey Trot idea wasn’t so great after all. It was the first time in four years that they’d had rain on Thanksgiving, and it was one of those unrelenting Texas rainstorms that just kept giving. Her shoes were soaked through, the breathable running top she was wearing had long since stopped breathing and clung to her like a wet plastic bag.

  “Do you guys want to bail on this?” Cassie asked sincerely, unsure if her companions wanted to run in the maelstrom.

  “No, no, it’s just a little water . . .” Rachel offered with a forced smile. She really didn’t want to run, but they’d gone through the effort to get downtown, to check in and get their race numbers. It was only three miles and change. Half an hour and they’d be done; half an hour and they could retreat to a warm shower.

  “Agreed,” Jessica said, her teeth chattering involuntarily from the chill of the air temperature. Rain was one thing; cold rain was another entirely. But, if Rachel could put on a brave face, she could too. Two could play at that game.

  “Alright, but if you change your minds, I won’t be hurt, really.” Cassie’s thoughts weren’t on the race anyway. She was facing two firsts on this day: Having her girlfriend and her best friend spend time together in a social setting, wh
ich probably wouldn’t have been all that awkward if it weren’t for the embarrassing recent history with Jess. And, later, the more imposing “first” was, of course, introducing Rachel to her family.

  She’d underestimated the impact the second item would have on her mindset—it was really all she could think about. Rain, sleet, snow—it didn’t matter. What mattered was she cared deeply for Rachel, and in a few hours, they’d be in the car headed to Houston, to her home; her past and present colliding in what was certain to be a firestorm of judgment. It was a lot to process. Her family knew her truth, but she’d yet to take someone home for a holiday. Even when she still lived in Houston, she never brought a guest home—she knew it would be frowned upon, and she wasn’t yet strong enough to face the hushed whispers and silent stares. She only hoped she was strong enough now.

  As race time drew nearer, they were forced to abandon the flimsy shelter of the pop-up tent and headed for the starting line, placing themselves squarely in the nine-minute mile corral. They’d negotiated in advance that they weren’t racing—simply running—and nine minute miles were comfortable for all three. Cassie suddenly remembered a saying she told herself often in law school, Adversity is opportunity in disguise. If the three of them made it to the end of this run in one piece, she’d consider it a success, and they’d have a great story to tell in the future.

  Finally, they heard the starter’s gun and waited for the throngs of runners in front of them to move. It took a while for the packed crowd to disperse, for them to finally be able to break from a walk into a jog, and then into a relatively easy running pace. They ran three abreast, with Cassie in the middle, the common bond of this unlikely trio setting the pace. Not much was said, other than a question here or there about how one another was doing. Silently, they trudged forward, strides in sync, heads down to minimize the pelting of large raindrops on their faces, running hats doing little to shield eyes from the spray. Up and down the hilly streets of downtown Austin they ran, through puddles that grew larger the longer they went, not really taking in the scenery, but rather, staying in survival mode.