The Nightmares of Carlos Fuentes

by Rashid Razaq

  CARLOS takes off LYDIA’s blindfold.

  LYDIA: Uncuff me.

  CARLOS takes off her handcuffs. LYDIA gets off the bed.

  LYDIA: Old?

  CARLOS: No. You are…middle-aged.

  LYDIA: Excuse me?

  CARLOS: No. I mean… I mean you’re…you are…

  LYDIA: Old?

  CARLOS: That is not what I meant.

  LYDIA: Why did you say it?

  CARLOS: I…it wasn’t. Are you sure I said this?…

  LYDIA: Yes! You said. You dirty fucking. Old. White bitch. That’s exactly what you said.

  CARLOS: But it wasn’t real.

  LYDIA: I imagined it?

  CARLOS: No, what I mean… I mean the words. The words were not real.

  LYDIA: Oh I see. You were faking the words?

  CARLOS: Yes! Exactly! I was fucking the words.

  LYDIA: Fake! Not fuck!

  CARLOS: Yes! Exactly!

  LYDIA: Fake means not real. Pretend.

  CARLOS: Yes, yes. I know. I was…pretending to…be somebody else.

  LYDIA: Oh really? Who? Some sort of horrible sexist, racist, ageist prick?

  Beat.

  CARLOS: (Unsure.) Yes?

  LYDIA: Why would you do that? Do you think I want to have sex with somebody else?

  CARLOS: (Unsure.) No?

  LYDIA: No. Do you?

  CARLOS: Yes. No. No! Definitely one hundred per cent no. It was…pretend. I was…acting.

  LYDIA: I see. So you don’t really think I’m a dirty, fucking, old white bitch?

  CARLOS: No. Of course not. (Beat.) You don’t like to play this game I think?

  LYDIA gives him a withering look.

  CARLOS: Lydia. Darling. Please. I stopped when you told me to stop. When you said Agincourt. I did not force you. (Pause.) Lydia? (Beat.) I did not force you.

  LYDIA looks at CARLOS.

  Pause.

  LYDIA: No.

  CARLOS laughs nervously from relief. He tries to lighten the mood.

  CARLOS: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I apologise. I would never. Never do…

  LYDIA: Let’s go to bed. (Beat.) To sleep.

  Pause.

  They get ready for bed.

  CARLOS: (Under his breath.) Cunt.

  LYDIA: What?

  CARLOS: Canute. King Canute. Eleventh-century English king. (Beat.) Come. Let us sleep.

  Pause.

  Lights down.

  TWO

  October 2006.

  Immigration detention centre. Two chairs. A table. CARLOS is pacing. He is wearing his ring.

  CASE WORKER, female, enters.

  CASE WORKER: Please take a seat.

  They sit.

  CASE WORKER: So Mr…(Reading from a file.) Husain. There are some inconsistencies in your asylum application which is why it has been passed to me. (Beat.) Do you understand what I’m saying? (Slower.) Do you speak English Mr Husain?

  CARLOS has a strong Iraqi accent.

  CARLOS: Yes.

  CASE WORKER: (Slow.) How good is your English?

  CARLOS: Good.

  CASE WORKER: (Slow.) It’s good is it? Are you sure?

  CARLOS: Yes. Good.

  CASE WORKER: Good. It’s just that we don’t want to get half-way through the interview and then you decide you need a translator. Because that would mean we’d have to start all over again from the beginning because your answers would be inadmissible. (Slow.) Do you understand what inadmissible means Mr Husain?

  Beat.

  CARLOS: No.

  CASE WORKER: It means that if your asylum application were to be rejected hypothetically. You would…do you know what hypothetically means Mr Husain?

  Beat.

  CARLOS: No.

  CASE WORKER: For example. It means for example. Say that for example your asylum application were to be rejected. But then you claimed you didn’t understand the questions because we didn’t provide you with a translator. It would mean that I got into trouble with my boss. You wouldn’t want me to get into trouble with my boss would you Mr Husain?

  CARLOS: No. Of course no.

  CASE WORKER: OK. So let’s proceed and see how we get on…

  CARLOS: He is terrible?

  CASE WORKER: Who?

  CARLOS: Your boss. He is bad man? He will beat you?

  CASE WORKER: No. My boss is a woman.

  CARLOS: Ah. Your boss is woman.

  CASE WORKER: Yes. So.

  CARLOS: This is good. To have bosses who can be women.

  CASE WORKER: Yes. In Britain we have lots of women bosses.

  CARLOS: And this is why I come Britain. Here equal. In Iraq no equal. But in Britain. Equal.

  CASE WORKER: Yes. We believe in equality here. So your full name is Salim Abdul Husain. Born… Baghdad..

  CARLOS: And free.

  CASE WORKER looks up.

  CARLOS: Britain is free also.

  CASE WORKER: Yes. What I need to know is…

  CARLOS: It is land of the free is it not?

  CASE WORKER: Yes. I suppose so.

  CARLOS: The land of the free. (Beat.) And the home of the brave.

  CASE WORKER: No, no. That’s America. You’re getting us mixed up.

  CARLOS: Ah. Britain is not home of brave?

  CASE WORKER: No…

  CARLOS: Oh. So what Britain home of?

  CASE WORKER: It’s just…

  CARLOS: The just! Britain is home of the just!

  CASE WORKER: Um…no. That’s not right either.

  CARLOS: What is Britain?

  CASE WORKER struggles to answer.

  Beat.

  CASE WORKER: Can we press on please Mr Husain? We’ve got a lot to get through here and I do have other people to see.

  CARLOS: Yes. Yes. Please. Continue.

  CASE WORKER: So you entered the UK three weeks ago?

  CARLOS: Correct.

  CASE WORKER: Point of entry Dover.

  CARLOS: Yes.

  CASE WORKER: By lorry.

  CARLOS: This is true.

  CASE WORKER: In fact you were discovered inside a frozen goods vehicle by customs officers.

  CARLOS: Peas.

  CASE WORKER: What?

  CARLOS: Peeese.

  CASE WORKER: Please? (Slowly.) I don’t understand what you’re saying.

  CARLOS: Small. Green. (Searching for the correct word.) Vegetable.

  CASE WORKER: Oh you mean peas! You were in a lorry carrying frozen peas.

  CARLOS: Yes. It was. (Pretends to shiver.) Very cold.

  CASE WORKER: So your route from Iraq was overland?

  CARLOS: Yes.

  CASE WORKER: Which countries did you pass through?

  CARLOS: Ah. Turkey. Greece. Albania. Serbia. Hungary. Austria. Italia. France. And Britain.

  CASE WORKER: I see. So why didn’t you claim asylum in any of those countries? Why did you wait until you got to Britain?

  CARLOS: Truth? (Beat.) I was sleeping.

  CASE WORKER: You were asleep?

  CARLOS: Yes.

  CASE WORKER: You passed through. (Reading.) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven countries and you were asleep the whole time. That’s what you’re telling me?

  CARLOS: I am very…deep sleep. When I was child they say you can not wake Salim. He is sleeping like dead. Dead! You can not wake dead persons. It is joke. Maybe we should get translator.

  CASE WORKER: No. I get it. What you’re telling me sounds incredible.

  CARLOS: Thank you.

  CASE WORKER: No! Not in a good way. I mean I find it hard to believe that you felt your life was in danger but you passed through seven countries, five European Union member states, to reach Britain before claiming asylum. (Beat.) I don’t believe you Mr Husain.

  CARLOS: I am telling you truth.

  CASE WORKER notices CARLOS’ ring.

  CASE WORKER: That’s a nice ring. Looks valuable.

  CARLOS smiles.

  CASE WORKER: You’re fleeing persecution
in Iraq Mr Husain?

  CARLOS: Persecution yes.

  CASE WORKER: Do you know what the definition of persecution is Mr Husain?

  CARLOS: Yes. (Beat.) No. What is definition?

  CASE WORKER: It means your life is in danger.

  CARLOS: Yes. Yes. My life in big danger. My family in danger.

  CASE WORKER: I thought you travelled here alone.

  CARLOS: I did. I had to leave them.

  CASE WORKER: Why is your life in danger in Iraq?

  CARLOS: I am member of religious…minority. Yes.

  CASE WORKER: Which religious minority are you a member of? (Beat.) Are you a Sunni?

  CARLOS: No.

  CASE WORKER: A Shia?

  CARLOS: No. Not Shia.

  CASE WORKER: What then? Christian? Jewish? What are you?

  CARLOS: I am atheist.

  CASE WORKER: An atheist?

  CARLOS: Yes. I have not always been atheist. No. No one is born atheist. Not in Iraq anyway. But since April. I have been. Atheist.

  CASE WORKER: And that’s why your life is in danger? Because you’re an atheist?

  CARLOS: Yes. Correct.

  CASE WORKER: Because you’re…unable to practise your beliefs?

  CARLOS: How do you mean practise?

  CASE WORKER: Observe. Perform. You are unable to perform your beliefs?

  CARLOS: What is there to perform? I am atheist.

  CASE WORKER: So you’re being compelled…forced to act not in accordance with your beliefs?

  CARLOS: I don’t have beliefs. I told you. I am atheist.

  CASE WORKER: Are they making you…for example. Are they making you go to a mosque or a church? Something of that nature?

  CARLOS: Who?

  CASE WORKER: Whoever is persecuting you.

  CARLOS: (Laughing.) Nobody is forcing me to go to a mosque. Or a church.

  CASE WORKER: So who are you afraid of?

  CARLOS: Ah. (Beat.) God.

  CASE WORKER: I thought you didn’t believe in God.

  CARLOS: I don’t.

  CASE WORKER: But you’re living in fear of him?

  CARLOS: Yes. Very much so.

  CASE WORKER: You don’t believe God exists but yet you are living in fear of him?

  CARLOS: I don’t say I don’t think God exists.

  CASE WORKER: That’s what an atheist is Mr Husain. Maybe we do need a translator…

  CARLOS: Unbeliever! Unbeliever. That is what I meant. Yes. Of course God exists. How can God not exist? That is like saying this table does not exist. Or these chairs do not exist. Or you or I do not exist.

  CASE WORKER: Well we can see those things Mr Husain. They are real.

  CARLOS: Yes. But we can not see…air. Oxygen. That we can not see. Or fear. Or anger. Or love. We can not see those things but nobody is saying they not exist. No. God exists. I am refusing to…believe in him. I am an unbeliever. The problem is. Iraq is not a safe place for an unbeliever. There are many hazards. A car bomb. An American soldier. A neighbour who likes the look of your wife’s thighs. There are many ways for God to get a unbeliever in Iraq. That is why I wanted to come somewhere where God can not find me.

  CASE WORKER: That’s why you want to live in Britain?

  CARLOS: Yes. (Smiling.) Somewhere really godless. With lots of unbelievers.

  CASE WORKER: I see.

  CARLOS: Somewhere it is going to be difficult for him to find me. But I was thinking. If possible. To change my name.

  CASE WORKER: Change your name to what?

  CARLOS: Well, I know God spends a lot of time in Iraq and the Middle East is his base generally, but they say he has branches everywhere. So I thought Salim why not change your name to something not Arab? You know. Make it extra difficult for him to find you. Throw him off the stink. But which name? Obviously it not be too British. Not Tony or Gordon. It needs to be a brown name. I was. (Taking out a torn page from a magazine.) I was reading this magazine outside and I saw this article. What do you think of? (Slowly.) Carlos Fuentes.

  CASE WORKER: Carlos Fuentes?

  CARLOS: Yes. Carlos Fuentes.

  CASE WORKER: Who is Carlos Fuentes?

  CARLOS: I don’t know. I didn’t actually read the article. I think he is Spanish or Mexican or something. But look at his picture. Look! He has the same complexion as me. Burnt barley bread. And he has a nice face. Kind eyes. Yes. Carlos Fuentes is name for me I think. My lucky name.

  CASE WORKER: So let me just get this correct Mr Husain…

  CARLOS: Please. Mr Fuentes.

  CASE WORKER: Mr…in this box where it asks for a reason for seeking asylum in Britain. You want me to write fleeing persecution from God?

  CARLOS: Yes. That would be correct.

  CASE WORKER: I see.

  CARLOS: And this form will go direct to President Bear?

  CASE WORKER: President? Bear? You mean Blair? Tony Blair? The Prime Minister?

  CARLOS: Yes. It will go for his attention?

  Beat.

  CASE WORKER: Yes. But I think you may struggle if we wrote God on this application form. You see the last time I checked, God wasn’t on the Home Office’s recognised dictators list. But there is this other box here. Which asks if you’ve ever been diagnosed with a mental illness. (Beat.) Say for example your life was in danger because you couldn’t get the medical treatment you require in your country of origin, then that could be a reason to grant you leave to remain. On compassionate grounds. We are home to the compassionate. (Beat.) What do you think Mr… (Beat.) God or insanity?

  Pause.

  Blackout.

  THREE

  July 2007.

  A Lebanese restaurant. Arabic music plays. LYDIA sits alone nursing a drink and watching the dancefloor.

  CARLOS, dressed in a waiter’s uniform, approaches carrying a tray full of drinks. He is wearing his ring and has a strong Iraqi accent.

  CARLOS: Ah madam. Your drinks. A small red wine. A large white wine. A white wine spritzer. A double gin and tonic. A…(Studies a bizarre-looking green cocktail.) something. And a pint of lager.

  LYDIA: They’re not all for me.

  CARLOS: Sorry?

  LYDIA: (Smiling.) My friends are dancing downstairs. I don’t want you to think I’m an alcoholic or something.

  CARLOS: (Slightly confused.) No. Of course no. Will there be anything else?

  LYDIA: What’s your name?

  CARLOS: My name?

  LYDIA: Yes.

  CARLOS: My name is Carlos. (Pointing at his name tag.) It is written here.

  LYDIA: That’s an unusual name for a Lebanese person.

  CARLOS: (Smiling.) Yes. It would be. But I am not Lebanese. I am from Mexico.

  LYDIA: Ah, hablas Espanol?

  CARLOS: (Smiling.) Si.

  LYDIA: Te gusta vivir aqui? De donde eres en México?

  CARLOS: Si. (Beat.) Si. No, well actually I don’t speak Spanish. I am Mexican. But I grew up in Iraq.

  LYDIA: Oh. Interesting.

  CARLOS: Yes. My father was oil engineer. We moved to Iraq for his job. The money was good, but I got this horrible Arabic accent. I don’t like it. I want to sound like a British.

  LYDIA: I like your accent.

  CARLOS: (Surprised.) You like the sound of Arabic? It sounds like pigs making children. It is not nice. Dirty. (Makes guttural sounds.) Like you have a cold and are trying to clear your breast. (Makes sounds.)

  LYDIA laughs.

  LYDIA: I envy you. I can speak a little French. A smattering of Spanish. Neither of them very well. We’re not good at learning other languages. English people.

  CARLOS: Why would you want to speak any other language? English is the greatest language in the world.

  LYDIA: Well, it’s the most widely-spoken. But I don’t know if you can call it the greatest. What makes a language great? It’s all rather subjective don’t you think?

  CARLOS doesn’t understand.

  LYDIA: A lot of people would say French sounds nicer. Is more romantic
than English. I suppose you could say the same about Italian or Spanish. But even that’s quite a European view. What’s to say one language is intrinsically better or worse than any other language? Why not Arabic? They say we’ll all be speaking Mandarin soon anyway.

  CARLOS: Arabic is a backward……primitive……language. The Arabs they are a backward, primitive people. Not even people really. Savage tribes. But English. Ah. English is the language of democracy, of equality, of freedom, of…

  LYDIA: Power?

  CARLOS: I am sorry. I should go.

  LYDIA: Don’t. Sit with me.

  CARLOS: I am not allowed to sit.

  LYDIA: What? Ever?

  LYDIA smiles. CARLOS smiles.

  CARLOS: To sit with customers. It will make trouble with my boss.

  LYDIA: Is he a slave driver? Your boss?

  CARLOS: It is a she. (Looks over his shoulder for his boss.) Yes. She is big slave driver.

  LYDIA: What if I asked you to stand?

  CARLOS: If that is what the customer wishes.

  LYDIA: The customer would like to talk to you.

  CARLOS: You don’t want to bellydance with your friends downstairs?

  LYDIA: They’re not my friends. They’re my colleagues. Or employees to be precise. Besides, I’m too old to bellydance.

  CARLOS: Yes. You are.

  LYDIA laughs.

  CARLOS: What is funny?

  LYDIA: You.

  CARLOS: Why? What I say?

  LYDIA: Oh. Nothing. It’s my birthday today.

  CARLOS: Happy Birthday!

  LYDIA: I’m fifty-s(ix.)…how old are y(ou.)…no. Don’t. It’s refreshing to hear somebody say what they really think. You haven’t been here long enough to pick up our bad habits.

  CARLOS: I would like to be British. To be a Britishman.

  LYDIA: Not even the British particularly want to be British anymore.

  CARLOS: I am not like these other foreigners. These immigrants. Working here illegally. Not paying taxes. Not respecting the law. Always complaining about Britain and the British. Hating the people who have fed them and housed them. They are retarded……gerbils.

  LYDIA: Gerbils?

  CARLOS: Stone Age savages. I am not like them!