by Colbie Kay
“Shut up.” He laughs and pulls me in for a kiss. “This can be whatever you want it to be. How about we just see how shit goes? I can tell you ain’t that type, so let’s just say if you want to have sex then come to me and I’ll do the same. Now don’t worry so much and get some sleep.”
I don’t respond, but I do eventually fall asleep.
Chapter Eight
I got moved into the dorms and I love it. I have the freedom I wanted and no longer have to answer to my mother. I pretty much stopped listening to her when I graduated and Daddy gave me my own car—I disregarded her even more when I turned eighteen. After our argument about where I was going to attend college, I finally realized that no matter what I do, how much I obey, or how hard I try to please her, I will never be good enough.
Classes will be starting up in a few days, and I’m excited to begin this new chapter in my life. My roommate, Summer, seems to be nice, but we don’t see a lot of each other, either because I’m with Josie at the clubhouse or she is with her boyfriend.
What was supposed to be a one-time fling with Bulk, or so I thought, did in fact turn into a reoccurring event. I wouldn’t say we are in a relationship, though, because it is mostly just sex between us, but I’m fine with that. After Snake, I’m definitely not looking to get into anything serious again, and he isn’t either, so it works for us.
Josie has taken Marie’s spot as my best friend since I started hanging around her a month ago, and she is by far a better friend to me than Marie ever was. Josie makes everything lighthearted, fun, and keeps me laughing.
As time goes on, it hasn’t become easier losing Snake, and I am nowhere close to being over it. A knock on my dorm room door pulls me from my thoughts. Knowing it’s Josie, I open the door without asking who it is.
“Hey!” She smiles that wicked smile of hers.
“What’s going on?” I smile back, but I know when she gets that look she’s up to something.
“We’re going on an adventure. Here, put this on.” She hands me a pair of neon leggings, a pink t-shirt, and a pair of tennis shoes.
My brow arches. “What are we doing? You realize it’s midnight?”
“No questions—go get ready.” She plops down on my bed and crosses her arms.
I had not a clue that when Josie said one more adventure it would mean that we would be standing outside Marie’s house with a bottle of Jack, three dozen eggs, and twenty-four rolls of toilet paper. “Josie, we cannot do this!” My eyes bug out of my head.
“Oh, we are doing this! Maybe next time she’ll think twice before she fucks over my friend.” Josie gives me that wicked smile of hers, then grabs a dozen eggs out of the backseat. “Now come on. Be quiet shutting the door.” I do what she says and we run closer to the house.
Josie throws the first egg and it smashes against the white paint. My eyes are the size of saucers as I watch her throw another, but I get this feeling of adrenaline inside of me that wants to be freed. “Here.” She hands me one and the smile spreads even further across my face, so I throw the egg as hard as I can and it smashes against Marie’s front porch.
I cover my mouth to keep myself from laughing, but my God, that felt good. I grab another and throw it. I feel like this is some kind of therapy because I feel like all of my pent-up feelings of hate, anger, and betrayal are slowly escaping my body. Marie’s house is just as big as mine, if not bigger, and I know exactly where to throw so I don’t wake anyone up. It takes us a while, but we get through all three dozen eggs and a good portion of the bottle of Jack. The drunker we get, the louder we get. Grabbing rolls of toilet paper, we start throwing them over the branches of the trees, laughing loudly and stumbling around the yard. We don’t make it all the way through the toilet paper before the lights in the house turn on.
“Shit! Run!” Josie yells. We drop the toilet paper rolls in our hands and take off running back to the car, laughing hysterically. Josie puts the car in drive and we speed away. I turn around in my seat and look back at the porch, where Marie’s parents now stand.
“That was so much fun!” I holler out. I roll my window down, pull myself out the window, and sit on the door. Holding my arms in the air, I let the wind slam against me and the smile never leaves my face.
We rush into the bar in a fit of laughter. “What the hell you two been doin’?” Ryder’s deep voice booms through the bar, over the music. Josie and I stop dead in our tracks for a second and stare at each other like we just got caught stealing before we burst out in a fit of giggles again.
“Getting payback,” Josie says through her laughter as we stumble to the bar.
Bulk pulls me against his side. “You hangin’ around for a while?” he asks when his lips hit my neck.
Searching his eyes, I see the desire clear in his whiskey depths. I don’t know what it is about him, but he brings out a hunger in me that needs to be fed. But it’s only when I’m drinking, which happens a lot these days. “Yeah.” I grin.
“Good answer. Let’s go.” He starts pulling me away.
“You could let her be sociable, Bulk!” Josie hollers jokingly.
“Shut up, woman! You ain’t gonna be socializing either,” Ryder tells her, and we all laugh. I don’t need to look over my shoulder to know they are following behind us.
Inside Bulk’s room, no time is wasted as our clothes start flying. The rest of my night is filled with intense sex, putting me in an orgasmic coma.
“Josie, what am I going to do?” Tears blur my vision from seeing the stick I’m holding—the stick with two visible pink lines. This can’t be happening. I’ve only been in school for a month.
“It’s gonna be just fine.” She stands in front of me in my bathroom; her hand lands on my back and she begins rubbing up and down, trying to soothe me.
Shaking my head, I respond through the lump in my throat. “No, it’s not. I can’t stay in the dorms with a baby, and I don’t have a job. How am I going to stay in college with a baby?” Tears flow down my face and I look up at her.
“Bulk will help you.” She shrugs her shoulder like it’s no big deal.
Yes, Bulk and I made the mistake of not using protection, but the same could be said for Snake and me, I realize. After we made up from our fight, we stopped using condoms. It’s only been two months since Snake and I broke up, but I’ve been having sex with Bulk since then.
Oh, God! “It may not be Bulk’s baby.”
“What?” Her brows furrow in confusion.
“Snake, my ex, we stopped using protection, and then Bulk and I didn’t either. God, I’m such a slut I don’t even know who the father of my baby is.” I break down, sobbing uncontrollably.
“Snake, as in Snake from the Cobras?” She questions, worry in her tone.
Not able to speak, I nod my head.
“Oh shit, Victoria, you can’t tell Bulk!” Her tone rises with anxiety. “I don’t know him personally, but I do know that the two clubs are just now starting to coexist. If he finds out you could be pregnant with Snake’s baby, it will be war between the two clubs. You can’t tell him!”
My eyes snap to hers and I see the seriousness in her expression.
“I won’t,” I say through a hiccup. Just my luck that I could bring a war.
Deciding I have only one choice right now, I tell her I have to go and head to the place I have been avoiding since I moved out: my parents’ house.
“Mom, can I move back home?” Tears gather in my eyes once again as I stare at the woman who gave birth to me.
“Have a seat.” She holds her hand out toward the couch and we both sit down. “I thought school and living at the dorms was going so good, since we haven’t seen you since you moved out.”
“It was. I messed up, Mom.” My head drops to my chin and I fidget with my dress.
“What did
you do?” she questions, her tone turning ice cold.
“I...I’m...” The words won’t come.
“You’re what?” I feel her angry eyes on me and I can’t bear to look at her.
Huffing out a deep breath, I gather some strength and cut my eyes to her. “I’m pregnant.”
She sighs deeply. “Who is the father?”
“He’s no one you know.”
“That is not what I asked. I asked who the father is.” She puts emphasis on each word.
“I don’t know who the father is.” Dropping my head, I start fidgeting again. My cheeks heat from the embarrassment of having to say those words to her.
“My whore daughter got herself pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is.” She cackles without humor.
My eyes snap to hers and I stand from the couch. “Sorry to be such a disappointment to you, Mother.”
She stands from the couch also, remaining calm, cool, and collected as usual. Her hands run down her perfectly pleated skirt, and I don’t even realize it’s happening until her palm connects with my cheek, instantly heating my skin and no doubt turning it a fiery red. “You are a disgrace to this family.”
Holding my cheek, I hold back my tears. “I was never good enough, but guess what, Mother, I will be a better mother to this baby than you ever were to me. For some stupid reason, I thought maybe just this once you could be there for me and support me, but I was so wrong. I don’t need you and this baby doesn’t need you. I hope one day in your sorry existence of a life, you will open your eyes and realize how horrible you are. I hope you will understand that you gave up your daughter for a goddamn reputation.” I don’t wait to hear what she would spew next. I storm out, start my car, and head to the clubhouse.
Chapter Nine
Time is something most of us think we will always have more of. It’s something most of us take for granted because we don’t even realize that everything can be taken from us in the blink of an eye. You could be happy one minute and the next your life is turned on its axis. That’s how it is for me right now—Marie is threatening to take our daughter away from me. I’m pulled back in time to the day she was born.
My baby girl sleeps snugly wrapped in her blanket and cradled in my arms. Jacey Marie Thomas was born beautiful, healthy, and with a head full of dark hair. I fell in love with her at first sight, and all of my problems seem so insignificant now, compared to this little person I created.
I know when I first found out I was going to be a father, I wasn’t sure how I would feel—I didn’t know how I could not be resentful—but when my princess cried out for the first time, and when she opened those beautiful eyes and looked at me…everything else faded away.
Nothing else matters but Jacey, because my daughter has consumed every part of me. When her tiny hand wraps around my big finger, my heart fills with love and happiness.
Marie wants nothing to do with Jacey, and I don’t know what to do about that. The nurses try to get Marie to breastfeed, but she refuses. They try to get her to hold Jacey, but she refuses that also. She hasn’t even changed her since she was born. All Marie does is lie in her hospital bed and cry.
It’s up to me to make sure our baby is well taken care of and has everything she needs. It’s my job to make sure she has everything her heart desires and see to is she does not ever question my love for her. My bond with my daughter will be unbreakable.
“Why should I stay? You’re never going to love me like you did her!” Marie’s angry tone pulls me back to the present as we stand in the bar, arguing in front of everyone. Marie has pulled Jacey out of bed and is trying to take her and leave.
“Because that’s my fucking daughter! Don’t take her away from me. Love you like I loved Vic?” I chuckle without humor. “Goddamn right I’m not! You destroyed what I could have had with her. I hated you; still fucking hate you for what you did. And then you threatened me. I had to be with you, or you were taking off and I’d never see my daughter. As much as I hate you, I have stayed in this farce of a relationship because of my little girl. And now you threaten to take her any-fucking-way!” My blood boils with anger and hate for this woman. I have done every-fucking-thing she has asked me to, ever since Vic walked away, and yet once again she wants to fuck up my life.
Her voice grows quiet. “I may have threatened you to be with me, but if you would have just tried, you could have loved me.” Now she’s going to try that guilt bullshit.
I shake my head at her ignorance. “You don’t fucking get it! My heart belonged to Vic. When she left, she took it with her, and I never got it back. I tried to be happy with you, but the constant fighting, you bitching all the time—shit, what do you expect from me?”
“I expected you not to sleep with all of the other women in this club!” Marie spews venomously.
“Fine! I won’t. Just please, Marie, I am begging you not to take my daughter from me.”
“It’s too late. And if you try to stop me, I’ll call the cops and tell them everything I know about this club. I have them on speed dial. One touch of a button, and they will be all over this club like flies on shit. Jacey, come on!” She tries to grab Jacey’s arm to pull her away, but Jacey is quicker and dodges Marie.
I can’t let her get the police involved; I can’t do that to my brothers. A couple years after Jacey was born, the club took a huge hit. Our president, Chim, went down with three consecutive life sentences, so there was no way he was getting out. Not long after that, there was a run that all the brothers except me, Deuce, Reap, and Storm went on. It ended up going south, and basically the whole club got locked up. With the amount of drugs they were caught with, at sentencing they got life.
That left the four of us.
We wanted to keep the Cobras MC alive, so I became president, Deuce became vice president, Storm took over sergeant at arms, and Reap became treasurer. We slowly started adding members and prospects and we cleaned up the club. No way did I want to go away and miss out on Jacey’s life, but it looks like I’m going to any-fucking-way.
She runs over to me, attaching herself to my leg. “No, Daddy, don’t let her take me! I want to stay with you. Please, Daddy!” Jacey wails in front of me.
I carefully detach her and kneel down beside her. “Don’t ever forget how much I love you.” I swipe away her tears. “You will always be Daddy’s princess. I love you, baby girl.” My own tears come forth; a few slide down my cheeks.
Marie walks over to us, gets a good grip on Jacey’s arm, and yanks our daughter out of my arms.
“Just let me say goodbye to my daughter!”
She doesn’t respond. Instead, she starts dragging Jacey by the arm out of the club. Jacey screams and cries, all the while begging and pleading not to go. My heart breaks at having to watch this.
I rush to the door. “You will pay for this!” I yell out. I stand there, watching my baby girl slip farther and farther away.
I don’t budge until I can no longer see the taillights. I thunder my way to the bar and order a drink. My mind drifts to Jacey’s first birthday.
I’ve turned this clubhouse into a little princess’s fairytale. Everywhere you look, there’s pink and glitter: tablecloths, balloons, streamers, plates, cups, and presents. The Ol’ Ladies have dressed up as real princesses to go with the theme. Everyone loves my baby girl, so they were more than happy to go along with the party for her.
Five minutes with Jacey and she will have you wrapped around her finger, willing to do just about anything for her. She has naturally tanned skin and dark hair, which she gets from me, but her eyes are unlike anything I have ever seen. Her eyes are two different colors: one green and one brown… She is such a beautiful little girl. Even with how she came into my life, I thank God every day for giving her to me, and that I’m the one who gets to be her father.
I put Jacey i
n her high chair then sit right next to her as Deuce’s Ol’ Lady carries out her castle birthday cake with a single lit candle on the top. Everyone sings happy birthday except Marie, because she’s not here—and fuck knows where she’s at. “Dada!” Jacey says excitedly, then claps her hands.
“You see your cake, princess?” I gush, smiling. She gives me that cute little laugh, showing her eight little teeth.
I help her blow out the candle, and we clap along with everyone else. We open all her presents, which are mostly light-up noisy toys and some clothes. Then we eat the cake and ice cream before going outside to take a picture on my bike.
Later into the evening, I feed, bathe, and get Jacey ready for bed. I lay her in her crib with her blanket and pacifier, dim the lights in the room, and sit on the edge of my bed. Then, I softly tell her a story to soothe her restlessness. Once she is sleeping soundly, I climb into my own bed, ready to fall asleep myself.
Tonight’s no different than any other, because instead of falling asleep, my mind drifts to Vic. I wonder what she’s doing, how she is, if she’s happy. I still love her just as much now as I did the last day I saw her. The pain from losing her hasn’t gone away and, honestly, I don’t know if it ever will.
“Snake?” Deuce calls from outside my door before lightly knocking.
Getting back up, I walk over and open the door. “Yeah?”
“You might wanna come out here and deal with Marie.” He looks angry; no doubt he’s just as pissed as me that she didn’t bother to be there for her daughter’s first birthday. But… Why would she? She hasn’t done shit for Jacey one day in her fucking life.
But now she shows up—and if he came to get me, it means she’s fucked out of her mind again. Leaving my door open, I head down the hall.
Marie laughs hysterically and stumbles around the bar, hanging all over anyone within her reach. My brothers shake her off, and others do too; she’s nothing but an embarrassment to this club. Gripping her arm tightly, I spin her around and stare into her glassy eyes. “You missed your daughter’s first birthday to snort that shit up your fucking nose?” I seethe in anger and disbelief.