by Colbie Kay
“That’s none of your business.” Her lids hang low from the high she’s riding.
“It’s my business when it affects our daughter. I’m only going to say this once. This right here is the last fucking straw. You start being the mother she deserves or I’ll take matters into my own hands.” I release her arm and start to walk away.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she shouts after me.
“Take it how you want.” I shut and lock my bedroom door behind me, check to make sure Jacey is still sleeping, and then lie down and eventually fall asleep.
Deuce sits down next to me, bringing me out of the past. “We’ll make sure Marie pays.”
“Maybe Jacey will have a better life with her. You know, after Jacey’s first birthday, Marie cleaned up her act. I need to get the fuck away from here. You’re in charge until further notice.” I down the last of my drink, then go to my room and toss everything I need in a duffle bag, and head out to my bike.
I hit the highway for three months, going across states and trying to clear my head. I spent my time in shitty, roach-infested motel rooms, I fucked my way through sluts in every state I traveled to, and I drank so much that most nights I blacked out.
One night, something in me changed. I realized I needed to get my shit together, take care of my club, and be a man my daughter could be proud of. Not the piece of shit I’d been the last three months.
That night, I started up my bike and I rode out of Montana and didn’t stop until I saw the sign that said Welcome to Kansas.
Chapter Ten
How much can one person handle before they break? How hard do they have to be driven before they crash and burn? How many times can a person be degraded before they feel so worthless that they wonder if it would even matter if they existed anymore? How many beatings can a person withstand before they rise and say enough?
For me it took ten years. Ten years too long, but here I am, sitting on the phone with my sister, about to run away. Hopefully I can make it out tonight with Dominic, while Bulk is sleeping. “I have to leave tonight, Emily. I won’t last much longer.”
She sighs into the phone. “Do you have everything packed up and ready? Is Dominic ready?”
“No, I can’t pack anything or Bulk will know something is going on. I’m going to have to leave everything and start over.” The bedroom door is pushed open.
My eyes widen in surprise as Bulk’s huge form takes up the doorway and he slowly steps into our bedroom, removing his cut, his eyes never leaving mine.
“I have to go.” My shaking hand hangs up the phone and I stay quiet. I don’t know if he heard me, I don’t know if he’s pissed about something else; I never know how to read him anymore.
“Who was that?” he questions, eerily calm.
“My sister,” I quietly respond.
“Hmm.” Bulk walks closer to me.
“Dominic in bed?” I ask, getting extremely nervous the closer he gets to me.
“Yep.” His hand lashes out and grips my hair. I quietly cry out as I’m lifted from the bed. “You leaving?”
“No.” I flinch as the pain worsens; it feels like my hair is being ripped from my scalp. I turn in his tight grasp, facing the door. I wonder if I could make it to the door.
“Don’t lie to me, bitch.” I try to run, hoping his grip will loosen, but it doesn’t. I’m pulled back into his chest, and my head flies back against his shoulder; a sob rips out of me.
“Yes! Yes, I am leaving. I can’t take it anymore.” I want to fight so badly, but I know it’s no use. I’ve tried before; Bulk is too strong, and me fighting only leads to me being hurt worse.
“You want out? Go!” He flings me towards the door. “But...you ain’t taking the boy with you.”
I scramble to my feet. “That’s my son! I’m not leaving him!”
Bulk stomps towards me and I hunker down, but he lifts me back up off the ground by my throat and pushes me against the wall. “You’re not taking the boy!” He spits in my face. “He will be raised in this club. You try to take him, and I will kill your family, one by one, until you come out of hiding.” His breath hits my face and I grimace at the smell of liquor. “You want to go, be my fucking guest. But…if you ever come back to this town, I’ll know and I will have you taken out—and I don’t mean taken out of this town. I mean taken out and put six feet in the fucking ground.” He drops me to the ground, then kicks his leg out and connects with my abdomen. Sobs rack my body from the assault.
He goes for my hair again; I try to move my head around quickly so he can’t get a good hold, but it’s pointless. Once his grip is firm, Bulk starts walking down our hallway, dragging me behind him all the way to our front door. With his other hand, he unlocks and opens the door.
“Stop, please!” I beg him, but my pleas fall on deaf ears. He picks me up like a rag doll and throws me like garbage out the front door. I hit the steps on the front porch and cry out as a sharp, burning pain forms in my ribcage. He slams the front door behind him. I get on my hands and knees, cringing at the pain. Breathing deeply, I crawl towards the front door. Grabbing the knob, I try and turn it, but he has locked the door. I try banging on it instead, but it’s not going to help, I already know it. And I have to stop, otherwise Dominic will wake up and see what Bulk has done to me. All I’ve ever tried to do is protect my son.
Gathering some strength, I pull myself up and hobble next door. I knock on Josie’s door; it feels like ages before she finally answers. “Jesus, Victoria! Come in!” She tries to help me, but I wave her hand away.
“Can you take me to the bus station?” My words come out shaky and I pant through the pain.
“Are you sure?” Tears form in my best friend’s eyes.
“Yes!” I don’t wait for a response; I hobble off her porch and go wait at her car. The ride to the bus station is quiet; I think we’re both realizing the seriousness of this situation: I will die if I stay.
“This is all my fault!” Josie cries, covering her face with her hands. She demands to buy my ticket and I let her because I couldn’t bring money, I.D., anything with me.
“Don’t do that! This is not your fault! Do not blame yourself.” With my arm that’s not holding my ribs, I wrap it around her shoulders.
“I introduced you to him! I swear I didn’t know he would turn out like that.” She sobs on my shoulder.
“You might have introduced me, but you sure as hell didn’t make me jump in bed with him.” I run my hand down the back of her blonde hair. “I’m going to miss you so much, Josie. Take care of my son for me and I’ll keep in touch.” Tears cascade down my face and the pain in my heart is overwhelming.
“I will! I promise. I’m going to miss you too. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”
“I gotta go. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
We cry and hold onto each other until I have no time left. I climb onto the bus and pick an empty seat by the window. The bus takes off, and, as I leave Wichita, my mind drifts off, thinking over the last ten years.
The first few years of being with Bulk were good; we even got married. Our relationship was nothing like what I had with Snake, but Bulk loved me and I had grown to have strong feelings for him, or I think I did. I owed him for taking me in when my own mother turned me away. But…he showed me love, gave me affection, and doted on me. It was everything I wanted at the time. I still missed Snake tremendously, so I escaped the pain through Bulk.
As I got closer to my due date, Bulk thought it would be a good idea to buy a house for us. I was all for it, especially when Ryder and Josie bought the house right next to us when they found out they were going to have a baby as well. I soon realized that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea, because I was stuck in the house all the time. The only days I interacted with someone besides Bul
k were the days Josie would come over. It was a sad and lonely life, but I still held on; I had nowhere to go, and at that point our relationship was still good.
Once I had Dominic, everything was great with the new baby—for a little while. But soon, we started fighting all the time. I wanted help with the baby; I was exhausted, and it was running me ragged. The more I asked for help, the more Bulk stayed away. It caused the fighting to get worse, in turn causing his drinking to get worse…and then, slowly, the physical abuse started.
Twenty-eight hours and three transfers later, I make it to my destination: Bismarck, North Dakota. I walk inside the bus station, find a pay phone, and call my sister.
I haven’t seen Emily since Dominic was born. When she walks into the bus station I break down once again. I’m so happy to see her; I’m free, but I’m broken from leaving my son behind.
Emily wraps me in a hug. “Where’s Dominic?”
“I had to leave him. Bulk threatened me.” I sob uncontrollably.
“Shh... It’s going to be okay.” Emily soothes me by rubbing her hand up and down my back, but all my crying is making the pain in my ribs worse, drawing short, agonized hisses from my mouth. “We’re going to get you to the hospital, and then we will contact the police.”
Pulling back, I stare wide-eyed. “No, you can’t get the police involved!” I shake my head frantically. “He will kill me! Kill all of us! We can’t, Emily!” I start to panic.
“Okay. Okay. We won’t. We will do this however you want. You do need to get to the hospital, though.” Calming down, I nod and let her help me to her car.
After a two-hour wait in the emergency room, I find out that my ribs are not broken, but very badly bruised. I get a prescription for pain medication and then Emily takes us to her house, where I will be starting over—and that terrifies me.
Chapter Eleven
Holding the picture of Jacey and me on her first birthday, I remember it like it was yesterday: sitting her on my bike in front of me; Deuce taking the picture of us smiling. Every year on this day I look at it, thinking about how another year has passed by without Jacey in my life. She’s twenty-three years old today.
I missed out on everything with her: prom, first date, graduation, growing up, teenage rebellion. I wonder what she looks like today? Did she grow up having a good life like I had hoped for? Did she go to college? Did she meet the man of her dreams and is she planning to marry him?
Someone knocks on my office door, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Yeah?” I tuck the photo back into my desk drawer.
I look up as Deuce opens the door. “Hey, Snake, Bulk is here.”
A few years ago, there was a big job with the Satan’s Sinners. They needed to take down a rival who was running through town buying out business owners. They opened a strip club right outside of town, on the Sinners’ territory. Them taking over our city caused both clubs to lose money, so we came together as allies and worked together to bring them down. Ever since then, when either club needs help from the other, Bulk and I have a meeting, then we take it to our brothers for a vote.
I shut down my computer. “Take him to our church room. I’ll be there in a minute.” When Deuce closes the door, I pull out the picture again. I tell the picture of my baby girl happy birthday and that I love her. Then, I head to the room we hold church in.
“What do you need from my club, Bulk?” I question after sitting at the head of my table.
“We have a new supplier, but we’re going into unknown territory. I would like the Cobras to ride with us for added protection.” He meets my eyes from the opposite end of the table.
“When do you ride out and where?” I lean back in my chair, contemplating whether we should get involved or not. If shit goes good we could potentially gain a new supplier as well, but if shit goes wrong then I’m putting my club in danger.
“We ride out tomorrow and we’ll be going to Denver.” He taps the table with his knuckles.
“I’ll hold church and see where my brothers stand. Then I’ll let you know.” We both get up from the table, I open the door, and we shake hands.
“We’ll talk soon,” he says and then walks himself out of my clubhouse.
We ride up to the undisclosed location, and immediately I have a sinking feeling. The Sinners shut down their bikes, but I hold my club off. Something’s not right with this.
The old, abandoned mill is pitch-black except for our headlights. My pulse starts to race as I look around, trying to get a glimpse of movement. Suddenly, shots fire all around us and everyone grabs their guns. We try firing back, but we aren’t hitting our targets because they’re well hidden. Some of the Sinners have been hit; they fall to the ground. I notice both Bulk and his vice president, Ryder, are down and not moving. Everyone keeps firing, but I give the signal to my club. My arm in the air, I move my finger in a circle, letting them know it’s time for us to get the fuck outta here.
Out on the highway, I notice the bikes coming up behind us. I hope the rest of the Sinners were smart and got the hell out of dodge too. It would have been a losing battle for all of us and no one would have made it out alive.
Later that night, I found out that the whole deal was a setup and the supplier was trying to steal the merchandise. Bulk and Ryder lost their lives tonight, along with a couple of others. If Bulk would have been smart and checked his resources a little better, maybe this could have been prevented. I hope whoever takes over as president of the Satan’s Sinners is a little more conscientious.
Chapter Twelve
It’s been fifteen years since I got off that bus here in Bismarck. I lived with Emily until I got back on my feet, which took a while. I slipped into a deep, dark depression soon after I arrived because I missed my son. Emily set me up with a therapist, the same one she used when going through her divorce from Wyatt, and with many sessions and the proper medication, I started to be able to function like a normal person again. Therapy helped me realize that how my mother treated me was never my fault, and that I steered more towards people that treated me just as bad. I had to learn how to love myself and, within that, I found that people make mistakes.
Lord knows I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, but I’m talking about Snake’s mistake with Marie. Learning that maybe it really wasn’t his fault brought some resolution to me. I should have stayed and listened instead of running away, but we were so young back then, I think we needed to go our separate ways. If I would have stayed, I don’t think I would be the woman I am today; the hardships I’ve had to endure have made me so much stronger. And I’m ready to face my past.
Over the years, I stayed in contact with Josie and she gave me updates on Dominic throughout his life. The call came in about three years ago that Bulk and Ryder were killed and, as much as I missed my son, I wasn’t ready to come back and face him. I tried to protect him the best I could from what went on with Bulk, so I never let him see the fighting, the violence. I wanted him to believe we were a happy little family, but me returning would bring up a lot of bad memories, and I would potentially destroy his respect for Bulk. I would also be taking a chance that he wouldn’t believe me, and wouldn’t allow me back into his life.
When Josie called and told me that Zoey was having the twins, I knew this was my time to go back. I have already missed so much time with my son, but maybe if I can get him back in my life then I can at least be there for my grandbabies.
I pack up my Buick with as much as I can and then hit the road. In under thirteen hours, much shorter than the bus, I arrive back in Wichita, Kansas. I stop at a gas station, buy a newspaper, and end up renting a small furnished two-bedroom house.
I unpack my belongings, go to the grocery store to stock up my refrigerator, and settle in for the night.
I wake early the next morning, get ready, and prepare myself to go to the hospital.
I’m not sure how this will go, so I am nervous.
I walk into the hospital room and Dominic recognizes me immediately. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Hi, Dominic. You’re so grown up now.” He turned out to be such a handsome man.
“Yeah, because you haven’t seen me in how many fucking years? And Mother, it’s Hanger now,” he says with so much anger. Dropping my head, I nod and take a deep breath. “You wanna tell me what the fuck you’re doing here, and how you knew I was here.”
I meet his angry eyes. “Gunner’s mom told me.”
“Get out. Get the fuck out of here,” he growls at me.
“Domin...” I don’t get to finish saying his name before he interrupts me.
“I said it’s Hanger now, NOW...GET...THE...FUCK...OUT...!” He yells loud enough to wake Zoey up.
“Baby?” she questions sleepily.
His attention goes to her. “I’m sorry, babe.”
I see the way he looks at her, and it’s just like how Snake used to gaze at me. My chest tightens at the thought of the man I loved and lost, but still deeply love.
“Can I help you with something? Who are you?” Zoey questions, narrowing her eyes and looking me over.
“I’m Victoria Black, Hanger’s mom.” Sadness overwhelms me. I’m not sure if it’s from calling him Hanger and knowing he took Bulk’s place in the club, or that he doesn’t want anything to do with me.
Honestly, it’s probably both.
Zoey focuses on my son, then back to me. “It’s nice to meet you.”