Risk (BDSM Dominant submissive Romance): Everything to lose. Everything to gain.

by Mia Moore

  Jessica mentioned that she was thinking about moving back to Kingston. After all, how many years did they have left together?

  "And, I guess, after you and Dad are gone, I'll be all alone too, I guess," Jessica ended her monologue sullenly.

  Judy's 'Mom Radar' lit up. "Oh Jessica, you won't be. The right guy's out there, looking for you right now; I know it!"

  "I thought so too, Mom. And… and I thought I found him." She started sniffling again.

  It didn't take long for Judy to learn about Craig Forsyth. Jessica explained between honks on tissues how Craig had sucked her in and then pulled back, culminating with the Sunday Ultimatum.

  "And here it is Saturday, Mom, and I haven't heard one word from him. And I guess I won't, now."

  Judy got angry. Her daughter was a hell of a girl. Who did this jerk think he was- big time author or whatever? His walking out like that and not speaking with Jessica after such a whirlwind romance. Bastard.

  "Jessica, honey; this guy sounds like trouble. I think you were just a notch on his bedpost." That was tough for Judy to say to her daughter; she wanted Jessica mad too. It would help in the long term.

  Mom was probably right. Mom was smart about guys. Look at the one she married! Who could ask for better parents, and Jessica had never seen a stronger marriage. They were like 'peas an' carrots'; each with their own tastes, and together they created a wonderful life.

  Mom and Dad sure had Peter's number, after all; so Judy's take on Craig carried weight with her daughter.

  They talked for a while longer, and with a promise to visit the following weekend, Jessica hung up.

  And now she was mad. The sadness and sorrow of the earlier week had evaporated.

  That chickenshit Craig. As if he's the only person in the world to suffer through breakups. For such a smart guy, doesn't he realize ALL RELATIONSHIPS FAIL? Except for the LAST one? Jerk. Oh! He's been hurt by lovers and a divorce! Oh dear!

  Whoop de damn doo, Professor. So had Jessica. She had gotten over her own divorce, hadn't she? And Craig's thing with that Josee chick had ended years ago!

  Why the hell should Jessica pay the tab those women had ran up, eh?

  Son of a bitch wants his cake and eat it too, that's what he wants. Scared? Ha! 'Commit Phobia' is what's scaring that bastard. "Oh Jessica! I loooove you!" the night they made love. (After making her dance on a damn string for almost a month!) And then pulling up his pants! Not even getting undressed! And walking out the damn door!

  She felt so cheap afterwards.

  Bastard.

  Later that afternoon, just to show herself she could, she went online- back into the Plenty of Fish pond.

  Being out of circulation for a month gave her a lot of correspondence to sift through. She started by checking her 'romance email' account to find it flooded with potential matches, and actual introductions from dozens of men.

  She ignored the automatically generated matches and dove into the emails she was sent.

  One after another was a no. Some were a 'well… no', and others were a 'Hell no!' After reading twenty emails, with no spark, she gave up. Who was she kidding? She really wasn't in the mood to meet someone anyway.

  She had met someone- and it wasn't even online. Hey, wait a minute. She wondered to herself if Craig had a profile on this site. She rarely cruised through the men profiles, and had no idea.

  She set up search criteria, and ran it. She had set the lower end of the age range for twenty eight because he would have fibbed about his age, wouldn't he? Sure. All men lie. Holy cow! Who woulda thunk there were that many single guys between twenty eight and thirty-five in Toronto! There were hundreds!

  She waded through the profiles- she had to read the ones that didn't have a photo. Maybe he was playing coy or something, Mister Big Time author. Yeah, like he's a celebrity! Jessica knew TONS of celebrities! HA!

  He BETTER NOT be on this site! If he was, why the hell hadn't he hit on her when she was out there looking!

  Jessica glanced up at the clock and realized over two hours had been sucked out of her day by the internet time vampire.

  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HER! She just spent over two hours looking online for him! Argh! She slammed the lid of her laptop down, frustrated with herself.

  And him.

  Bastard.

  That evening, Jessica decided after dinner- Friday night leftovers- to make some popcorn and watch movies on TV. She browsed the movies available for rent. No chick flicks for her tonight. No romantic comedies either. She was about to choose some war movie when she saw that there WAS a selection that was just right.

  She chose the first rental and settled in. What woman wouldn't want to spend the night with Johnny Depp? Jessica spent the next six hours watching lots of swash and lots of buckle before trundling off to bed.

  She only thought of Craig every three minutes instead of every minute. That was an improvement.

  On Sunday, she went for a walk in her neighborhood, just window shopping. It was Sunday, and she had to get some groceries. Not that she planned to cook that night but- she was going to need Emergency Rations. She purchased two bottles of wine and a tub of Rocky Road ice cream. Walking home, she came upon the display window of a pet store. Since it was springtime, they had puppies in the window.

  A tiny puppy standing on its hind legs looked longingly at her with its dark, bulging eyes. Black as midnight, with a pushed in snout, it was so ugly, it was cute!

  The Black Pearl. A perfect name.

  She stepped in. There was a clerk behind the counter, and the store was quiet.

  "Excuse me, how much is that doggie in the window?"

  The clerk, a thin young man with glasses and slicked back hair looked up and smiled. "The one with the waggley tail?"

  She grinned. "Please, how much IS that doggie in the window? I do hope that doggie's for sale!"

  They both laughed.

  "Not everyone knows that much of the lyrics, lady,"

  "My mom was a big fan of Patti Page."

  The clerk- his name was Jack- went and retrieved the black puppy for her, settling it in her arms. It began to suck her fingers and snuggle in.

  "You live in a house or apartment, miss?"

  "One bedroom unit, in a building just up the street." She lifted the puppy gazed into its eyes. It stared back unblinking and licked just the tip of her nose. It was a girl puppy too, she noticed. It looked like an Ewok from Star Wars.

  She fell in love with the Pug puppy.

  Jack explained that Pugs were great apartment dogs. "You know, you can train a female Pug to a litter box, just like a cat."

  "What- don't HAVE to do ‘walkies' in the snow?"

  "Nope."

  "SOLD!"

  She paid a deposit, and filled out some paperwork, as Jack explained that she would have to wait until Monday to pick up the dog. The owner insisted on chatting with every buyer before letting any puppies go. She liked that.

  As he was filling out the paperwork, Jack asked, "What are you going to name her?”

  "Pearl."

  "Yeah, I get it. Pirates of the Caribbean fan, right?"

  Smiling, she left to return home. She was excited about her new pet. And a dog will defiantly remind her about feedings! She hadn't had a dog since she was in high school; she always thought an apartment would be too small for a dog. Not this little one though.

  And at least she'd have company, right?

  Better than a guy, right?

  She booted up her computer and did a search 'Why a dog is better than a man' and laughed reading the results.

  She ordered supper and watched some television.

  It was ironic. She had stopped cooking when her relationship with Peter ended. Sure, she'd throw together something or another if she had to, but she didn't enjoy cooking for one. And the Automatic Cookbook had enough of a selection that she was never bored. She wanted to cook, but she needed a someone to cook for.

  Her eyes flitted to the clock-
8:00 PM. No Craig. Damn. And they did have a great time at Paradox's. She sighed.

  She’s waited for a man like him for a long time. Why was everything worthwhile never easy? When she’d applied at the magazine, it had almost seemed hopeless but she’d done it anyway. And now, sitting here alone, it felt hopeless.

  Hope. There’s always hope.

  Rising from her chair, she made a decision.

  She went into the bathroom and poured a bath, sprinkling it liberally with spicy, floral bath oil. HOPE kept resonating in her head. The feeling of that, which is wanted, CAN be had…. She finished her bath, applied makeup and styled her hair. Still smiling, Jessica walked to her bedroom closet.

  Hope.

  She selected the red corset, stockings and heels that she had recently purchased. After she checked her appearance in the bedroom mirror, she went to her living room and turned on the CD player, Enigma would be appropriate she thought. She poured a glass of wine, picked up a book and tried to read it. It was no use she was re-reading pages.

  With her head resting against the back of her comfy chair, eyes closed, she startled when the phone rang. She picked up the handset beside her and saw it was her mother calling. Sighing she let it go to voice mail

  "Talk to you tomorrow, Mom, I'll probably have another good cry and go to bed."

  She sat there until midnight.

  Hope.

  Yeah.

  She went to the fridge and scooped out a bowl of ice cream. Holding the wine and the ice cream, she went to her bedroom and sat on the bed.

  Hope.

  Her doorbell rang. She looked at her clock, 12:08, and started to cry.

  "You're TOO late Craig! You're too damn late!" she shouted into the hallway. She knew he was downstairs, and her apartment faced the side of the building, but she needed to yell. She was NOT going to let him in. After the hell he put her though? And showing up late? Why the hell couldn't he have been here at 6:00? Or 9:00? But eight minutes late? No damn way.

  The ringing stopped. He must have left. She began to cry again. But she was going to stick to her guns.

  The bastard.

  Mom would be proud of her.

  Her bedside table phone rang. Too damn late, Mister Forsyth. You had all week. She glanced at the phone- it was Mom again! Oh! What's wrong! She's calling at midnight! She snatched the handset from the cradle.

  "Mom! What's wrong!"

  "Answer the door Jessica! Answer the damn door!"

  "What? Where are you? What?"

  "He's a good man, Jessica. He needs you as much as you need him! Answer the door!"

  With the phone to her ear, she headed out of the bedroom. Before she got to the buzzer, her cell phone began to ring. What the hell? 'A. Nolan?' Annik?

  She picked up the phone. "Annik?"

  "Answer the door Jessica!"

  In her other ear, her mother was still telling to her to answer the damn door.

  "What?"

  In unison her mother and Annik, yelled "ANSWER THE DAMN DOOR!"

  "Okay! Okay! But-"

  Her call waiting buzzed. "Hold on Mom." She hit the button.

  "For the love of God will you answer the damn door so I can get some goddamn sleep!"

  "Who IS this?" She scowled.

  "I'm Mike's buddy, Eddy, who's boffing your assistant Brenda! He just put though an emergency call to my goddam cell so he could get Brenda to call you to tell you ANSWER THE DAMN DOOR!"

  "OKAY! OKAY! I'M ANSWERING THE GOD DAMN DOOR!" Putting down the phones, Jessica leaned on the buzzer. She went to her door and stood, her ear pressed against it. She heard the pounding of Craig's feet on the stairs.

  Timing it perfectly, she flung the door open.

  Chapter 21

  Time stood still as they stared at each other.

  He could barely breathe as he gazed…

  Those gorgeous green eyes. Her sparkling green eyes. He wanted to fall asleep tonight gazing into them, and find them right there tomorrow morning and every morning.

  For the rest of his days he ached to see that face first thing in the morning. A face that- oh hell- can make you cry like a baby, as he had done today. He'd cry over that face, and drive to the end of forever if that's what it took him to see it every day.

  Oh Jessica…

  ***

  She returned his gaze quietly, taken aback at how… how HAGGARD he looked. His hair was unkempt- hell, it was a mess! As if he had spent the last six hours running his hands through it! His clothes were wrinkled. Wrinkled!

  And his face…

  Oh, Craig- you look exhausted! His face was drawn and tired. Weary bags hung under his eyes, and crow’s feet spiked out from them. He looked like a man at the end of his rope.

  GOOD!

  ***

  "Hey…" He whispered.

  "Hey yourself…"

  The two phones near the doorway squawked like seagulls. He glanced at them, and asked "May I come in?"

  Her face was a stone carving as she stepped back to allow him entry. He stepped forward a hint of trepidation in his eyes before he reached for the phone and spoke.

  "Who's this?" A pause. "Hey, Sleaze, fuck you too." Another pause. He looked at her, standing there. "Yeah. Yeah, she is. I hope so." He gave a short chuckle. "Yeah. Hey, Sleaze. Thanks man."

  He again looked at Jessica and at her cell phone, "this one's Annik. Did your mother call?"

  She gaped at him. "Yeah… she's on call waiting on that one,” she said, pointing to the handset. He pushed a button and held it to his ear.

  "I'm in, Mrs. Rogers." He lowered his head, half hiding that god-damned cute as hell smile into the phone. "Okay. I'm in Judy; better?" He listened for a moment and looked at Jessica. "Yeah, she looks great." Another pause. "Yes. We'll call in the morning, okay?"

  Still looking at Jessica, with the phone to his ear, his eyes filmed up. "Yeah. Thanks, Judy. For everything."

  Softly, almost reverently, he placed the handset down and picked up the cell phone.

  "Hey, I'm in." Long pause. "She looks okay- confused as hell, but okay." Another pause. "What can I say but thanks, Annik?" Pause once more. "No, won't do that shit again, I promise." Pause. "I'm glad you do. Call ya tomorrow. Bye."

  He disconnected the call, laid the cell beside the handset and turned once more to Jessica.

  "Hey again," he said.

  ***

  "What the HELL is going on here? What are you doing talking to MY mother? What is Annik calling me for? And who the hell is some guy named SLEAZE! AND YOU'RE LATE, YOU BASTARD!" She stood with her arms akimbo. She was so mad and glad at the same time that she was shaking. Can a person spontaneously explode into a million pieces? At the speed of light?

  "I had two minutes to spare, actually. And I drove like a bat out of hell from your parents' place to get those two minutes, Jessica."

  "Uh-uh, MISTER FORSYTH, you rang my buzzer at 12:08! You were LATE!" It was a thin thread, but it did give her the upper hand. And as each second passed, she wanted the upper hand less and less.

  He held up her cell phone. The current time, set correctly by the cell phone company, was on the standby screen. "What time is that?"

  "Twelve twenty AM." Uh oh. She felt the thin ice of her position begin to crack and crumble under her feet.

  "Take this phone and check your bedroom clock."

  "I-"

  "Now." Master Craig held out the phone. His eyes had that hard look which in other circumstances, made her knees weak.

  She snatched the phone from his hand and stomped into the bedroom to compare the two clocks. Yup. Shit. Damn. Her heart skipped a beat, yay!

  She returned to the kitchen, and carefully placed the phone on the countertop. She was STILL mad! Wasn't she?

  She looked at Craig. HER Craig.

  Holding out his arms, he said, "I love you, Jessica Rogers. With all my heart, I love you. C'mere if you love me back."

  She crossed the kitchen in two steps and leapt into his arms. He swe
pt her up; their faces close and held her like a doll.

  She clung to his shoulders and for a brief second and stared into his eyes. Cradling his face in her hands she kissed him- the tip of his nose, his ears, his eyebrows, his cheeks and beard. She kissed his chin and his neck, still cradling her Craig's face. And oh, oh, finally, she kissed his mouth.

  One last vestige of anger survived long enough for her to end the kiss and pound his chest in a staccato beat with her small fists.

  "Why did you make me wait an entire WEEK! Why did you do that to me! You said you loved me last Friday! Why did you make it hurt so much to love you?" And again tears fell from her eyes. But for the last time.

  She pounded his chest and shoulders as Craig glided into the bedroom. He gently lowered her to bed and climbed in next to her.

  "Because I'm not nearly as strong as you," he said. "I want to be, but I'm not. Yet."

  He leaned in and kissed her. Fully. Completely. As their tongues embraced, she unbuttoned his shirt. She undid his pants and with a yank, pulled his pants, briefs and socks off. She felt her fingernails rake his ankle and didn't care. Not one damn whit.

  Naked, he stepped out of the bed.

  "Oh NO! Not again!" She froze.

  He didn't turn away this time. He stood before her, naked and defenseless, arms at his side.

  "Jessica Rogers, I love you…" he sucked in his breath.

  "Craig, I love you too…"

  "Hush. I have to say something here."

  She nodded.

  "You scared me, you know. Bullshit. You terrified me."

  Jessica's eyes widened in surprise. "How?" she whispered.

  "When you stroked my face, after we made love. It frightened me."

  "But-"

  "Shhhh… I'll explain later. I'll tell you everything. All of it. And when I do, I'll want to…" he ran his hand through his hair. "And when I do, I'll want…"

  She held her breath and waited.

  "I…" God this was tough, "I want to know what's your favorite song? And what was your favorite song when you were ten? What was your favorite song when you rode your bike? You used to ride a bike, didn't you?"