‘This is Alex, I presume?’
‘Yes, although I never knew his name. While we walked – or staggered in Lauren’s case – to the club, I couldn’t stop thinking about him which was ridiculous because it had been seconds. We’d only exchanged four words – me saying “I’m sorry” and him saying “That’s okay” – but I couldn’t shake that intense feeling that I’d just found my true north.’
I gasped. ‘Your true north? Oh my gosh, that’s so romantic. Could you not have gone back to the bar?’
‘I wanted to. Every step I took away from that bar, I felt like there was a magnet pulling me back but doubt kicked in. What would I say if I let that magnet pull me? “Hello, my name’s Connie, did you feel that thunderbolt too?”’ She laughed lightly. ‘Paul and I were friends at school and one day we kissed and that was that. No flirting. No dating. I didn’t know how to do any of those things and, besides, I was married. Things might have lost their shine but I still loved my husband.
‘Lauren started to feel a bit queasy in the club so one of her friends took her to the toilets while I went to the bar for some water. There was a huge queue and it took me ages to get to the front. I turned round with the drink and who should be behind me but Alex? The thunderbolt struck again. He smiled at me and said something like, “We meet again,” and I could tell from his smile and the sparkle in his eyes that he was as pleased as me. And then one of Lauren’s friends appeared and instructed me to hurry up with the water because Lauren had been sick.’
‘Ooh, bad timing.’
Connie sighed. ‘Tell me about it! I apologised again and Alex said, “Maybe I could buy you a drink later.” I nodded and dashed off but there was no later. Throwing up had a sobering effect on my sister and melancholy hit. With Lauren so upset, I had no choice but to leave without seeing Alex again.’
‘It’s a shame you didn’t know his name. You could have looked for him on social media.’
‘True, although it’s probably just as well I didn’t. I wasn’t about to call time on my marriage and I wasn’t going to be unfaithful to Paul. I thought about the stranger with the kind eyes and the cornflower-blue shirt a lot after that day, wondering what if… but then I resigned it to just a couple of lost moments in time. I got to the point where I couldn’t even picture him anymore and then, when the truth about Paul and Beth came out, my world turned upside down and my ‘moment-man’ went completely out of my mind.’
‘That’s why you didn’t recognise him at the farm.’
‘Exactly. Plus we both looked different back then. He didn’t have a beard or any grey hair and I had long hair like Lauren and I wore glasses. It was four years ago. It was dark. Both encounters combined would have added up to less than a minute. It’s no wonder neither of us could remember how we knew each other but it’s funny how the recognition was still there.’
‘And the thunderbolt?’ I asked.
She was silent for a moment, then she sighed. ‘Yes, and the thunderbolt.’
‘What are you going to do about it?’
‘I’m going to let those magnets do their work and see if he really is my true north.’
‘Oh my gosh, Connie! Really?’
‘You only get one shot at life and you can spend it regretting the past and getting angry or bitter about the wrong decisions you’ve made or the hurt caused by others or you can learn from the past and embrace the future instead. It would be easy for me to say I’ve been hurt before, it’s too soon and I’m scared of taking a chance but that would just be another regret to add to the pile. My ex-husband has cancer, his girlfriend is fighting for her life after falling down the stairs, and that little baby girl could have died tonight. When Josh called with that news, any residual hurt just flew out the window and I had to be there for Paul. I’ll always love that man but I’ve come to realise that he was my north west. Almost perfect but not perfect enough to last forever. Alex Williams could be my true north and I owe it to both of us to explore that.’
I could hear the smile in her voice and tears pricked my eyes at the conviction in her words. ‘Did you swap numbers at the barbeque?’
‘No. It never entered my head and, of course, I didn’t realise who he was.’
‘Would you like me to get his number from Dave or pass on yours?’
‘Can you get his for me? I think it would kill me waiting around for him to call me. I want to be the one to make it happen.’
We’d reached Hedgehog Hollow and Connie turned her car onto the farm track.
‘I’ll get his number from Dave tomorrow,’ I said.
‘Thank you.’
Silence fell as she drove along the track. I loved the thought of a true north. Gramps had found his true north in Nanna, and Thomas had in Gwendoline. Hannah and Toby were a perfect match too, as were Rich and Dave. As for Josh and me…
Connie pulled up outside the barn. ‘Talk to him,’ she said, gently.
‘Who?’
She applied the handbrake and turned to face me, the security light illuminating her face.
‘Josh. Something’s bothering you and it’s none of my business to ask what it is but I’ve seen you together so many times and my heart has been bursting with joy at how happy you are.’ Her tone was gentle. Understanding. ‘Tonight, at the hospital, there was a shadow that I haven’t seen before. I know my son comes with a lot of baggage and complications and currently they’re all playing out like a soap opera, but don’t we all have a past?’
‘It’s nothing to do with Paul or Beth.’ I sighed and shook my head. ‘It’s maybe nothing at all.’
‘Nothing has a way of growing into something. Talk to him. Tell him what’s bothering you, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel or how trivial it might seem because, believe me, the trivial stuff can soon grow and destroy an incredible relationship. Paul and I are living, breathing proof of that.’ She reached over and squeezed my hand. ‘He’s your true north and you’re his. It’s so obvious to anyone who’s seen you together.’
I couldn’t respond. If I opened my mouth, I was likely to start crying.
Connie gave my hand another squeeze then let go. ‘I’m his mum so maybe talking it over with me isn’t the easiest but what about one of your friends from the barbeque?’
I nodded and swallowed hard. ‘I’ll be in touch with Alex’s number. Thank you.’ I blew Archie a kiss then exited the car.
After waving her off, I slowly walked towards the barn. She was right. I needed to talk to Josh instead of creating a problem that might not exist. He was my true north, my forever, and he hadn’t categorically announced that he wanted children and could not live without them. But before I spoke to him, I needed to get things straight in my mind and the best person to help me do that was Hannah. It was nearly midnight so I’d have to contact her in the morning. For now, I needed to check on Dad and the hedgehogs.
Dad took one look at me and offered to stay all night in the barn but I wouldn’t let him and I insisted he leave the hoglets with me too. He was working the Saturday shift at the practice and had been on call on Thursday night so had to catch up on some sleep.
We exchanged updates then I had to pretty much push him out of the barn and send him home. A hot shower in the farmhouse revitalised me and I returned to the barn with a mug of strong coffee.
A couple of hours later, I lay down on the airbed that Josh had bought while we waited for the sofa bed to be delivered. My eyes were heavy and my body felt weary but I couldn’t switch my brain off. I couldn’t help but worry for Beth and Paul. Josh had sent a text at about 1 a.m. to let me know that he’d checked himself and Paul into a local hotel. Beth was still unconscious but stable and the doctor had said that the best thing Paul and Josh could do was get some rest, especially given Paul’s health. At least they were nearby if Beth’s condition deteriorated. Hopefully it wouldn’t. That poor family already had enough to contend with.
On a cheerier note, Connie’s tale of her ‘moment’ with Alex had warmed my he
art. It certainly felt like destiny was at play, placing them back into each other’s lives once more. I’d get hold of Alex’s number in the morning and I couldn’t wait to hear how that love story played out.
I was still awake an hour later when the hoglets squeaked for their feed. As I settled down on the airbed afterwards, I wondered whether Hannah would be free to come over to the farm later. When exhaustion took hold and I finally drifted off to sleep, my last thought was that I’d instantly thought of Hannah to confide in. This time last year, I’d have reached out to Chloe instead yet it never even entered my head to contact her. In fact, we’d had no contact since that disastrous visit to Whitsborough Bay two weeks ago. Had she been waiting for me to apologise? For what? I’d done nothing wrong. But I could have reached out and tried to recover things. She didn’t know I’d been ill or that I’d left teaching. By excluding her from my life like that – albeit not intentionally or maliciously – could I have stalled the peace process?
41
Josh
Dad and I both somehow managed to get a few hours’ sleep. When we’d checked into the hotel, they’d only had one twin room left. It was probably for the best because, although it felt strange being in such close proximity to him after eighteen months estranged, I’d have worried about him if he’d been alone.
There’d been no calls from the hospital, which meant no deterioration but also meant Beth hadn’t regained consciousness. Had they said something yesterday about inducing the coma? It had all started to become a blur.
While Dad was showering, a text came through from Mum to say that Archie was up and dressed and didn’t seem fazed by waking up in unfamiliar surroundings with a complete stranger. I called her back.
‘He’s gorgeous, Josh,’ she gushed. ‘Such a content, happy little boy, full of smiles and cuddles. I sent some photos to your Auntie Lauren and she couldn’t believe how much he looks like you. She wants to meet him now but I thought I’d better check with you and your dad first.’
‘I can’t see Dad having a problem with it. Go ahead.’
‘Tell your dad that I’m happy to look after Archie for as long as he needs. Sian’s little boy is in the next size clothes so she’s got a stack of stuff in Archie’s size she can lend me. I can buy food and nappies and some toys to keep him entertained.’
‘Let me know what it costs and I’ll pay you back. You shouldn’t be out of pocket.’
‘You’ll do no such thing,’ she said, laughter in her voice. ‘Your dad walked away from our marriage with nothing and, on reflection, it wasn’t fair of me to let him do that. A few bits and bobs for his baby is the least I can do.’
We said goodbye and I was about to FaceTime Sammie when Dad emerged from the bathroom with a towel swathed round his hips. I did a double-take at his ribcage showing and his shoulder blades protruding when he turned round – a stark reminder of how ill he actually was.
‘I’m going to get dressed then head straight over to the hospital.’ He reached for his shirt draped over the back of the chair. ‘You don’t mind if I don’t wait for you, do you?’
‘You don’t want any breakfast?’
‘I’m never very hungry first thing these days. If you could grab me a banana or something, that would be great.’
I probably wouldn’t have felt much like breakfast myself but I hadn’t eaten last night. I wasn’t convinced Dad had either. I’d overheard snippets of his conversation with Mum, before Sammie returned, and I could have sworn he’d told her that they’d been on their way out for a meal when Beth slipped.
Forty minutes later, I left the hotel with a banana and a bacon sandwich wrapped in a napkin.
Walking across the hotel car park, the air felt fresh and cool following yesterday’s downpour. I tried Sammie on FaceTime but she didn’t answer. I tried her again when I reached the hospital but still nothing so I sent her a text:
✉︎ To Sammie
Just arrived at hospital. No more news yet. Mum had a good night with Archie. Let me know when’s good to catch you. Missing you loads xx
I put my phone in my pocket and went inside but I had a niggling feeling in the pit of my stomach that Sammie was upset about something and I hated that I couldn’t be there to comfort her.
42
Samantha
I felt sick as I stared at my phone vibrating on the treatment table in the barn with Josh’s FaceTime request. I might have been able to fudge my way through a call but there was no way I could manage looking at him. Not until I’d spoken to Hannah and got my emotions in check. Knowing she was always up by about seven at the latest, I’d sent her a text first thing to see if she was free and was relieved when she replied immediately to say she could come over with Amelia at about ten.
I’d been up since 5 a.m. and had decided that the best plan for the rest of the day was to keep busy. I scribbled down a to-do list and steadily worked through it, feeling a tremendous sense of achievement as I crossed each task out.
There’d been a few submissions for the logo design competition and, while there was clearly some talent on display, nothing tugged at my heart like I’d hoped – although the hedgehog wearing leather lederhosen, carrying a whip and wearing a gimp-mask did give me a good laugh. The closing date wasn’t for another fortnight so there was still time.
Hannah arrived and settled Amelia on her playmat in the lounge with some building blocks while I made drinks.
‘Right you, out with it,’ she said, when I handed her a mug of tea. ‘You’ve been on such a high since you met Josh and moved in here and now you look like you’ve won the lottery jackpot but lost your ticket.’
I took a deep breath. Might as well just get straight to the point. ‘You know how I said Josh’s mum, Connie, brought me home when I fainted at work? I overheard her asking Josh whether I might be pregnant and it got me thinking that it could be a possibility so I took a test last night.’
Hannah kept a straight face but her eyes were shining and I knew she’d be excited about the prospect of me having a baby, especially while Amelia was still so young. ‘And…?’
‘And it was negative.’
‘Aw, I’m sorry, Sam.’
‘Thank you, but there’s no need to be sorry because I’m not.’
She nodded. ‘I suppose it would have been a little soon. Plenty of time for kids later.’
I grimaced. ‘I’m not sorry because I don’t want children.’
Her eyes widened. ‘You always said you did.’
‘I know I did but it was never a possibility until now. Harry couldn’t stand kids and James wanted them but not with me and I’ve only realised now that it didn’t bother me. But Josh does want them and—’
‘He’s categorically said that?’
‘Not directly. We haven’t actually had a conversation about it but he sounded happy when Connie asked if I might be pregnant. He’s brilliant with Archie and he loved playing with the kids when he was dressed as Mickleby…' I tailed off as Hannah held her hand in the air in a stop gesture.
‘Wait a minute. So you’re fretting that you don’t want kids yet you haven’t actually spoken to Josh about what he wants? You’re making an assumption that he does because he didn’t have a hissy fit at the idea of the woman he loves being pregnant and because he’s good with kids?’
It sounded very lame when she put it like that. ‘I’m worried about losing him.’
‘Then you have to talk to him. None of those things are the same as him categorically declaring that he wants you to spawn a hundred babies. Plenty of people adore kids but don’t want their own. I think you’re creating a problem that might not exist.’ Her eyebrows knitted. ‘Why are you so adamant you don’t want kids?’
I shrugged. ‘I just don’t.’
‘But there has to be a reason.’
Colour flooded my cheeks and I shrugged again.
‘You know I’m not someone who thinks that having kids is every woman’s destiny but those who make a conscious decisio
n not to have children usually have a reason.’
‘I don’t think I’m cut out to be a mum.’
‘What? Why would you say that?’
Amelia knocked her building blocks down and started whining. Hannah swiftly re-built the tower then rummaged in her changing bag. She unwrapped a rice cake and handed it to Amelia then fixed her eyes square on me, clearly waiting for a response.
‘I’ve never been gooey over babies like our Chloe.’
‘So? That’s not what makes a good mum. I’d like to think I’m a good mum but I’ve never been gooey. My mum wasn’t either and she’s an amazing m…’ Hannah gasped. ‘Oh my God! That’s it, isn’t it?’
I held my breath.
‘It’s because of your mum. You’re worried you’ll be like her.’
The tears I’d held back all night broke free and trickled down my cheeks.
Instantly, Hannah was by my side, her arms round me. ‘Hey, it’s alright. You’re nothing like your mum, Sam. Nothing.’
‘Maybe not at the moment but she wasn’t like that until I came along.’ I scarcely managed to get the words out between sobs.
‘Perhaps not, but your mum was a special case. She obviously needed help after she lost your sister and she also needed time to grieve for her but she didn’t get it. She then needed help when you were born and she didn’t get that either. If you ask me, she still needs it now because what that woman did to you is…’ She shook her head, her eyes flashing with anger. ‘Don’t get me started.’
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