Hold Onto Me_A Secret Baby Romance

by Juliana Conners

  Even if I felt something for him. Yes, I admitted it to myself. Even if the parking lot had been completely deserted. Even if I didn’t want to date anyone right now because my life felt like it was falling apart.

  Still, I couldn’t get him out of my head. I couldn’t stay away from him, and I didn’t want to.

  When I closed my eyes, his face when he came inside of me still flashed. I could still feel his skin beneath my fingertips, his dick inside of me as I rode him.

  I shivered.

  We hadn’t spoken about anything. We’d fought on the beach about something that we didn’t agree on. Jacob made it sound like my reputation was something that would fix itself, like my career was stable enough to handle this kind of pressure.

  It was a different story for him. They needed him, and he would always survive rumors. My job was to not let my clients have rumors haunting them. Instead, I’d created rumors by my actions.

  Jacob didn’t care enough about that, and it pissed me off.

  I didn’t like that we hadn’t spoken about everything. It was unresolved. We disagreed, but we didn’t have any idea what we were going to do to fix it. We hadn’t discussed any steps. We’d argued and fucked, and that wasn’t like me at all. I was good at my job because I had plans, and I made them work step by step.

  But that was all a moot point, wasn’t it? I wasn’t good at my job when I was the reason everything had gone wrong.

  And that wasn’t even talking about Kyle and everything else in my personal life.

  The phone rang, and when I answered, it was Lacey.

  “How are you doing?” she asked.

  Being a PR manager, too, she knew exactly what I was going through. She had been in the same position, in fact.

  “Yeah, I’m okay,” I said. “It bothers me that I don’t know how to deal with Jacob. If we’re not fighting we’re … you know.”

  Lacey chuckled. “I know. You need to talk about it, though. You need to tell him how you feel.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t feel anything.”

  “Sure.”

  “I don’t, Lace.”

  Lacey sighed. “Kina, let me tell you something. Lying to yourself only makes everything so much harder. I’ve been there, too. I don’t have to tell you how things were between me and Hanson at first.”

  “It’s not the same,” I said. “This can’t be—”

  “Your Mr. Right,” she finished my sentence for me. “I know. You told me. But Kina, what if it is? You’re just going to fight this, ignoring the facts that are staring you in the face?”

  “I can’t do this,” I said. “Everything is already so bad.”

  “So? Stop fighting it, then.”

  I groaned inwardly. Not fighting it would just get me in a worse place. What if I was too busy, too caught up in my job or my brother’s issues or a myriad of other things, and I couldn’t make it work? Everyone needed a piece of me. What if Jacob wouldn’t let me divide myself up? No, I wouldn’t do that.

  “I can’t do this,” I said again. “I just want to sort out everything that’s already gone wrong and then leave it at that.”

  Lacey chuckled again. I wanted to ask her what was so damn funny, but I couldn’t pick a fight with her, too.

  “I have to go, Lace,” I said. “Thanks for checking in. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

  We ended the call, and I sighed. I did have feelings for Jacob. I’d stopped trying to argue with myself about it. Instead of telling myself it wasn’t true, I’d accepted the fact and decided not to act on it. Or tell anyone else.

  I had too much on my plate. I had my career to save, my client to pull up, and Kyle wasn’t even speaking to me. After everything, I had to worry about him, too, because he couldn’t handle his own life. Where did I have time for a man?

  Lacey would be right if my life were normal and Jacob was a normal guy and Kyle wasn’t a pain in my ass that needed constant supervision. She knew what she was talking about, but she had found the perfect guy, one who understood that her life would never fully belong to him. I wasn’t sure I could do the same with Jacob.

  And even if I could, I didn’t think I would manage in a relationship. I was too independent. Jacob wanted attention, and I just couldn’t do it.

  My phone rang again.

  “Yeah?” I answered.

  “Kina? It’s Sadie. I got your number from Lacey. I hope you don’t mind.”

  I shook my head, even though she couldn’t see it. “No, of course. What can I do for you?”

  “Oh, nothing to do. I just wanted to check in with you. I know how hard it is when you’re all over the tabloids. Trust me, I’ve been there.”

  I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “I think the only good thing coming from this is the fact that I’m not the only one. I would rather it didn’t happen, of course, but it’s good to know I’m not alone.”

  “You’re really not,” Sadie said. “Do you know anything about the issues Brian and I had before we started dating?”

  “I don’t,” I said.

  I only knew Sadie through Brian, who was on the team with Jacob.

  “We were trying to keep things under wraps because I was so unsure about our relationship. The why is a very long story. Anyway, no matter how hard we tried to keep it quiet, someone always ended up spotting us, and we got published in the tabloids. It made everything a lot harder.”

  I felt her pain. “I can imagine,” I said. “What did you do?”

  “Well, this was because of Brian, if I have to be honest, but he confessed his feelings to me, and we came to terms with the fact that no matter what we do, we’ll always be in the paper. It’s like you’re giving a part of yourself up to the fame, but you don’t have to give them all of it. Does that make sense?”

  It did make sense, but it wasn’t the same. There weren’t any feelings to confess. There was nothing that I could say that could be in the limelight or stay behind closed doors.

  “I hear what you’re saying, Sadie,” I said. “I just don’t know how to handle it messing up my job. I mean, I know I was wrong in what I did. I can’t deny that. But my career is at stake now, and it’s a lot harder for me to deal with.”

  “I know,” she said. “And I’m sorry to hear that. But Jacob is a great guy.”

  I politely thanked her. We didn’t talk for much longer. We barely knew each other and didn’t have much to say. Besides, I had to get back to work, doing my job while I still had it.

  When she hung up, one thing that she’d said stood out to me. Brian had confessed his feelings to her. Lacey was saying the same thing, that I had to tell Jacob how I felt.

  But what if I didn’t know how I felt? What if I was scared that I felt something different than he did? That terrified me almost more than the idea of having to make it work between us along with all the other pressures in my life. I didn’t want to admit that part to myself, but I feared being rejected.

  Did that mean I had more feelings for him than I’d thought? Was I too scared to risk it? God, so much drama, which was something I didn’t need.

  I tried to focus on my work, to do what I was getting paid for. I had paperwork to go through, emails to send. I couldn’t think about it all. I was distracted, and I felt like my emotions were all over the place. I worried about Kyle, stressed about my career and wondered about Jacob.

  And I would get nowhere if I didn’t talk this out. Lacey and Sadie were both right.

  Dammit.

  I hated when that happened. But now that I knew, I had to act.

  Chapter 29 – Kina

  I dialed Kyle’s number and waited for him to answer. The phone rang for so long that I was sure I would get voicemail. I was so nervous that my palms were sweaty and my heart was pounding.

  I was starting to prepare what I wanted to say in my mind when he answered. By the time he did, I was rather surprised, since I was expecting him to ignore me. I figured he must not know my number.

  “It’s me,�
�� I said.

  “I know.”

  Maybe that was why he’d taken so long to answer. Maybe he was trying to decide if he wanted to speak to me.

  “Can we talk?” I asked. “In person? I don’t want to leave things the way they are, especially not with how things have been going with Jacob and me. I want to talk it out.”

  “Are you going to invite him, too?” Kyle asked. He sounded unsure, bitter, even.

  “I was considering it, yes,” I said. “I know that this is between you both, too, and not just between me and you or me and him. I want to sit down with the three of us and talk about it so we can sort it all out.”

  Kyle was silent. I waited for him for so long that I wasn’t sure if he was still there.

  “Yeah, okay,” he finally said when I was about to ask if I’d lost him.

  “Yeah?” I asked to be sure. “Oh, my God, thank you.” I’d expected him to say no. “Will you come over to my place tonight?”

  “I will,” Kyle said. “But I’ll only come if I can come stay with you again. I, uh, I’ve run into a bit of trouble with the room I’ve been using.”

  I sighed. “Kyle, you’re my brother. You’re full of shit, and sometimes, I’m tired of taking care of you, but you’ll always have a place to stay with me if you need it. Don’t forget that.”

  “Thanks, sis,” Kyle said. “I wasn’t sure if you would still take me back.”

  “It wasn’t even a question. I just want you safe.”

  He was quiet again for a moment. “So, I’ll see you tonight, then?”

  “Your room is ready for you. I’m going to ask Jacob to be there at seven. You’re welcome to come over earlier to get your bags back into your room before we sit down and talk about everything.”

  “I’ll be there half an hour earlier,” Kyle said.

  When we hung up, I felt a bit better. Things were already looking up.

  Kyle was coming back to me, and he was willing to sit down and talk to Jacob. It was a lot more than I’d expected from him.

  Chapter 30 – Jacob

  When Kina invited me over to her place, I was surprised. We’d fucked in her car, but that didn’t make me any surer where we stood. She was still so distant from me, unwilling to accept my affection for her. Whatever it was that she felt for me, she made a point of keeping it very far away.

  And I knew how unhappy she was that her relations with me had gone public. I didn’t have the feeling she wanted to take anything further. In fact, if anything, she blamed me.

  But with her asking me to come over for a chat, I wasn’t going to say no. I wanted to see her, to hear her out, see what she had to say. I cared for her, and it was important to me that she’d given me a chance.

  I took an Uber to her place so my car wouldn’t be recognized on the road. The last thing we needed tonight was paps following us around, photographing us the way Brian had told me they’d done with him and Sadie at the start of their relationship. I didn’t need anything more to go wrong and get between us.

  The driver wasn’t from the States and didn’t seem to recognize me. Thanks to the GPS system that Uber used to book a ride, we didn’t have to communicate other than hi and goodbye. I ended up in front of Kina’s door at seven on the dot.

  I took a deep breath, swallowed down my nerves, and knocked.

  When she opened, she looked great. She always looked great, of course, but today, she wore a sky-blue top that brought her blue eyes out, making them look bright and beautiful. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, accentuating her jaw, and she was wearing makeup. She’d gotten dressed up to see me tonight.

  That was a good sign.

  “Kyle is here,” she said. She stepped forward to give me a hug, and it was very PG.

  “Oh?” I’d thought it would only be the two of us. I’d hoped we could talk about us. With Kyle here, her really pissed off brother, we weren’t going to be able to have a heart-to-heart. What exactly had she invited me over to talk about, then?

  I stepped into her apartment, and it smelled like dinner. Kyle sat on the couch, glaring at me.

  “Hey, man,” I said to him. He only nodded back at me. Well, this wasn’t awkward.

  I walked to Kina in the kitchen where she was setting out dishes with spaghetti, minced beef, and vegetables.

  “Do you need help with anything?” I asked.

  She shook her head, smiling a little too brightly at me. “I’ve got it. We’re about ready to dish up.”

  “I really wish you would have given me a heads up about this. I don’t know if you know this, but Kyle hates me.”

  Kina shook her head. “I was scared you wouldn’t come if you knew he would be here.”

  I frowned. “You didn’t think to even run it by me?”

  She shrugged. “I did ask him about it, and he was okay to see you, so he’s not being held here against his will.

  “So, you asked him but not me?”

  She turned to me, those blue eyes brilliant, her expression difficult to read.

  “I told you I was nervous you wouldn’t come. It’s important to me, Jacob.”

  I sighed. What if it was important to me that I’d known before I came? But I didn’t say it because I would still have come, regardless of who she’d invited. I would have liked to her to talk to me about it, that was all.

  “You boys can dish up,” she said and called Kyle from the living room. He came into the kitchen and dished first as if there wasn’t a lady present. When he had his food, I let Kina dish up before I took a plate of my own.

  “This looks nice,” I said when we sat down at the dining table Kina had in the corner of the living room. “Thank you.”

  We ate. Kyle looked irritated all the time. We make small talk, and he barely partook in it, glaring at me often, making everything unpleasant.

  “Do you have a problem with me?” I asked after I’d just about had enough of him. I was already done eating. Kyle hadn’t cleared his plate, but he seemed done, too. Kina was the only one still eating.

  “Yeah,” he said. “As a matter of fact, I do.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Kina asked.

  Kyle groaned. “Do you know how unfair it is watching you live the life when I’m screwed almost every day of my life?” he asked me.

  I didn’t know how to respond to that.

  “No, you won’t know,” he said. “You’re the bigshot, aren’t you? Doing everything your heart desires because you got your big break, and then you nearly threw it away, too. God, it’s sickening.”

  I blinked at him. “What the hell are you on about? Are you pissed off that I had the opportunity to go pro or pissed off that I didn’t refuse it? Even if I didn’t take it, they wouldn’t have given it to you, Kyle.”

  “Jacob—” Kina said.

  “No, he’s right,” Kyle said. “They wouldn’t have given it to me, which pisses me off. Because no matter how badly I fuck up, no one cares except you, Kina.”

  I didn’t know what Kyle was trying to get at. The conversation was bizarre.

  “What do you want to say with that statement?” I asked.

  Kyle sighed. “That I’m sorry.”

  I had no idea how the anger, the accusations, and the apology fit together.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I’m so fucking angry that I threw it all away this badly,” he said. “And blamed you for it. When I found out about the two of you, I tried to find every reason why I should hate you, but I can’t because it’s all me. All this shit in my life, it’s all me.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I had no idea how it had started at one end and shot through to the other end.

  “That’s all I have to say,” Kyle said to Kina. “That’s what you wanted, right?”

  Kina opened her mouth to answer, but Kyle carried on. “I’m going to go to my room, now. You guys should talk your shit out, too. I’m tired of seeing you two sneak glances at each other like you think no one knows that you care so much
. It’s making me sick.”

  Kyle turned away.

  “It’s not like that,” Kina said to his back.

  He looked over his shoulder. “Don’t do what I did, sis,” he said. “Don’t throw something away before it’s even started.”

  We watched him walk away. Kina looked at me when Kyle was gone, and she looked like she didn’t know what to say.

  “Well, it was honest, if not tactful,” I said.

  Kina nodded. “I just wanted him to get whatever was bothering him off his chest. I didn’t realize it would be that heartfelt.”

  “People seem to feel a lot more than you give them credit for.”

  She was suddenly angry, her mood crackling in the air all around us.

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” she asked.

  “I mean you’re expecting me to feel nothing at all for you even though you ought to know better. And you know you feel more, too. Why aren’t you just honest about it?”

  “Why don’t you stop telling me how to feel?”

  I shook my head. “You have no idea how hot you are when you’re angry,” I said.

  That seemed to push her even further. “Don’t you dare. Compliments won’t work. You can’t get into my pants every time we have a fight.”

  I shook my head. “It wasn’t my intention. I just want you to talk to me, Kina.”

  “Well, there’s nothing to say. I can’t do a relationship with you, no matter how much I want to. I have too much going on. I have Kyle to look out for, and all this shit up in the air with my job so close to falling apart, it’s not even funny. I didn’t even think about a relationship before it all went wrong.”

  “But you do want one,” I said.

  She started to protest, but she couldn’t say anything to that because she’d just told me that she wanted a relationship.

  “I have a lot of stress, too,” I said. “I have a reputation that I’m constantly running from, and being with you hasn’t made it a lot easier for me. In fact, I don’t know if it’s still going to bite me in the ass. You’re not the only one who can’t afford to have a relationship right now.”