Shattered Love: Book one of the Forever us series

by Nivia Borell

  Her finger digs between my brows as she eyes me, craning her head. “What are you thinking, Damien.” She lets out a sob. “I’m safe, and believe me, clean. So there’s nothing to worry about.”

  “It’s too late for such thoughts anyway, don’t you think? I thought you might have a problem with it.”

  She raises an eyebrow, her voice filled with anguish, and it pulls at my heart. “Because of your past, Damien? I know you wouldn’t put me in danger deliberately, so relax. We’ve just made love, and here we are sparing again.”

  I cradle her face in my hands, my eyes boring into hers as I say, “Only with you, Bria, do I let my guard down. I have made love only to you and only with you. Everything else is just sex, protected sex that always includes a condom. Understand?”

  She nods and says through sucking on her lower lip, “But aren’t you afraid I tricked you, and knowing you’d lose control, I planned on having unprotected sex with you?”

  I toss my head back and laugh hysterically. Masking her insecurities behind a crass honesty, another thing that hasn’t changed.

  “Good to know I’m entertaining you, Damien,” she huffs, and her head and shoulders sag.

  “Baby, as sick as this may sound, if you were to get pregnant, I would be the happiest man alive because then I would at least have a part of my dream come true… you being the mother of my baby.”

  “You’re not funny.”

  Her eyes seek mine as I drop my head and deadpan. “Maybe because I am deadly serious, Bria. But I’m just dreaming because I suppose you are on the pill. Aren’t you?”

  “Of course, I am.”

  “Well, of course, you are.” The moment my acid words rush out, I could punch myself.

  “Why are you so damn upset with me now, Damien?”

  “Fuck me if I know, Bria.”

  Deep down, I know why I’m upset, and shock has me in knots to admit the truth to myself. In some twisted way, if she got pregnant, I would have found in me the required resources to forgive her and build a family together. I wouldn’t have cared if it’s the most dysfunctional family in the world because at least we would have one. I can work with that. A baby could just punch my ego in the gut, and I could have the love of my life again.

  “We just made love, Damien, so please give us another pause before we let whatever we have here crumble at our feet.”

  “I only see one solution to our problem,” I say with a poker face.

  “And that would be… what, Damien?” She bats her lashes, and I wish to freeze time, just to be with her like this, forever us.

  “I must have you again,” I say in a matter-of-fact voice, and I flash her my most devilish smile.

  “What are you?” she asks trying to suppress a smile.

  “I am insatiable, and at this moment, high on you.” I pin her down with our hands laced together as I sink lazily in and out of her until I fill her again.

  Brushing my hair, she says, “I need to shower.”

  “I like you smelling of me, so we won’t take a shower.”

  “Who said you’re invited?”

  She baits me. How I’ve missed these challenges between us.

  I give her a pointed look and state, “As if you could stop me, Bria, but nice try, though.” I bolt toward the bathroom and swagger back with a wet towel. Bria props on her elbows as she wets her lips, eyes glowing with appreciation at what I assume is my naked body. I say ripped as modesty is not one of my strengths. I guess the long warming up and training hours have paid off in her absence. It doesn’t occur to me until now, but here with her, the validation I receive from her eyes sizing me up and her gulping sounds, makes my chest soar. All the sparring with my trainer, Mark, helped to ease the frustration and pent-up energy. I’m glad, at least physically, it came with a bonus.

  “Like what you see?” I tease, and her response is to toss a pillow at my head. I duck, and it only grazes my shoulder as I shake my head at her. I nudge behind her legs and clean her up as she giggles and shields her face with her hands.

  Afterward, she hops into my arms. “It was amazing. Thank you, Damien. It was beautiful, and I will cherish it until I take my last breath.”

  I pat her small nose and kiss the tip of it. “It was my final gift and goodbye, Bria.”

  Her eyes and shoulders slump. “I wish we could stay in here forever.”

  That dreamy, hopeful voice undoes me. Yes, keep me here with you, and carry on your voodoo on me, Bria!

  “Baby, you know it’s impossible. Although it seems you have the ability to put my monster to sleep for a while, I can’t forget in the long run. The motive that divided us will always linger between us.”

  I lift her chin as she gulps and says, “And the years we’ve spent apart.”

  “And everything that happened in between.”

  “We’re impossible. We can put it how we want it, Damien, yet it is what it is, and somehow it’s just sad.” She sobs, and it ruptures something in me.

  I answer with a cracked voice, “The story of our lives, Bria. Being in purgatory, it seems we’re incapable of leaving although the door is wide open.”

  Her glossy eyes pin me on the spot. “I like it in there, Damien. There I’m not alone, and you are with me.”

  “This is not what I wished to offer us, Bria.”

  “Leave me then, Damien, and lock the door behind you.”

  My head and shoulders drop. “I can’t, B… I never could.”

  “Damien?”

  “Hmm…”

  Bria cups my face, and her mouth whispers on mine as I shudder at her promise, “I will always be there, remember it—”

  “Why restrain me not to leave you but imply you will?”

  My hands fly to her as I bend her neck so she can answer by looking me in the eyes. “I’m sorry, baby.

  “Stay with me, Bria…”

  Her eyes well up, and my hands plummet to my side.

  “I am silly, physically or not, forever. You don’t notice it because you keep your eyes shut.”

  I tilt my head to the side and answer, “What’s there to see, Bria, if not the shadow of your absence.”

  She plants a wet kiss on the corner of my lips and says, “You still have to tell me the other three memories.”

  “In a bit, Bria. Let’s rest for a while, okay?”

  I tumble on the bed taking her with me. She snuggles against me as I press her to my side, and as I’m drifting to sleep, I whisper, “Bria, you are the only one I’ve ever truly loved.”

  And before sleep overtakes me, I hear her murmuring to me, “You are the only one I’ve ever loved at all, Damien.”

  “The most beautiful lie of them all, Bria.”

  “The truest truth I’ve ever acknowledged, Damien.”

  DAMIEN

  I wake up to a dark room, and Bria drawing circles on my chest with her index finger.

  “Did I wake you up?” she asks, her sweet voice warming me from the inside.

  “No, baby.”

  Her lips curve into a smile and then kisses my left shoulder. She looks carefree on her belly with her legs crossed in the air.

  “And I think I owe you the last three memories on my top ten list.”

  “I can’t wait to hear them, although I wonder if they can top the ones you’ve already told me.” Her eyes light up, and her hands clasp together.

  I’d give her everything just to keep seeing her like this—mine. At my admission, panic constricts my chest, and I shove the thought away.

  “Number three on my list is our first drive together when we came home from the picnic on my eighteenth birthday, after I passed my driving test. And you organized my party that evening. Our mothers let you plan everything. I think they were just afraid of you, though. You transformed into Hulk when you couldn’t get what you wanted.” When a small smile pops up, satisfaction surges through me. I am a moron.

  “It was the best birthday party, though, wasn’t it?” She peeks at me through
curled lashes with curious eyes.

  “It was perfect. And the best part was?”

  “You getting a car?”

  I shake my head, then clutch her face and peck her on the lips. “No, Bria, me having you deliver the keys to my black Jaguar F-TYPE R Coupe was the highlight of the night, but the part I enjoyed most was when we were alone for our first drive. Just when I thought all the surprises were over, you put Lake Cauma in the navigation system. ”

  Sadness swims in her eyes, and when her head sinks, misery crushes my insides.

  “This whole night, Damien, is doing something to me, and I don’t appreciate it. It’s messing with me in a way I thought was not even possible anymore.”

  “I know, baby. It’s the same for me. You don’t have to apologize. I’ve got you, Bria, and I will hold you until we say goodbye.”

  Her sigh tears at my heart.

  “The matter-of-fact way you mention we have a deadline, and your composure when you say it, tells me this whole time it was me who needed some sort of closure, not you.” Then, she stirs away exposing her back to me, shutting herself off.

  I glance at the ceiling and desperation crawls inside me. Some sick and obsessive part of me longs to have Bria again. I know I could love her again as I’ve never stopped, not even for a second. It appears I’m as good at fooling myself as I am her. As I battle with myself, she transforms to ice again.

  A cold and distant voice pulls me from my thoughts. “Damien, continue with the story. I just want this to be over with and go home.”

  Neither her crisp voice nor her urgency smashes me. It is the word home, a home with another man, a home we don’t share, a home we never got the chance to build, a home in which she is living a life without me that wrecks me. Well, then, what the fuck! She still feels like home to me when I have her in my arms. When we kissed and made love, it felt like home. I have to remind myself it’s for the best. I don’t want her anymore, and the stupid voice inside me screams liar!

  I tug myself together and continue the memory, “The whole weekend had a special ring to it… wolves howling in the distance, proud mountains towering over the picturesque landscape, us cuddling under the duvet, and the forest as wide and thick as you could see.”

  “I could have lived there, surrounded by the beauty of the green, dense nature, fresh and flowery scents, and the deep turquoise lake that only seemed to make your eyes even bluer. We spent the days wandering along the forest and playing in the lagoon. My stomach hurt from laughing so much, and our lips were always swollen.”

  I seal my eyes and dive in the visual. “In your white swimsuit in the clear water and with the sun caressing your face, you were a vision of celestial beauty. Every time you glanced at me, frenzy stirred. We were so in love, Bria…”

  I’m incapable of halting my body not to lean toward her and press my face in the crook of her neck as my arms encircle her waist.

  She squeezes me to her and continues, “My feet would fidget on the shore, and my teeth clenched. I would shake my head at you and dart away. Your eyes would light up with the challenge. Then you would sprint to me as I shrieked, catch and carry me in your arms subduing my protests with kisses. I clung to you as you submerged us. And the moment my body adjusted to the water temperature, I never got enough, beaming from head to toe. I floated there knowing nothing bad could happen to me. It’s only with you I’ve ever felt so protected, and only in your arms did I feel at home. I lived for the moments we spent together and for your embraces and kisses.”

  Oh baby, me, too.

  “You planned a candlelight dinner for the evening and we feed each other.”

  As it was yesterday I remember everything and realize she screwed me in an irreparable way. I burrow my head in her hair as I groan while she caresses my back and goes on. “We were planning and dreaming of our future together. You said you were certain your love for me would never end. You stressed time would pass, and we would mature, but I would always be your number one priority. You also said you would always put me first, and you could make it through anything as long as you were by my side. And as for me, I couldn’t wait to become Mrs. du Sky.”

  I lift my head and stare in her enchanting eyes. “We did have it all planned out.”

  She caresses my face sending thrills to my toes. She has to be a witch.

  “We were so eager to be married then,” she says, her lips arching into a broken smile.

  She tosses in my arms until she’s facing me. I peck her cute small nose, and then she has to burst it again. “Maybe it was too much, and no one should ever be able to feel such a love. Maybe we humans aren’t allowed to find perfection in love, but to love the imperfection instead. Our own fallibility causes our downfall. We are shaped by flaws combined with mistakes and seasoned with bad decisions made in the blink of an eye, and these all lead to becoming shells of human beings. Imperfection may want perfection, but what would the two give birth to?”

  This woman… I could poke my eyes out. The way her widened eyes shine with sincerity dots my vision. Inside I snap and roar. Has her brain short-circuited to spew such nonsense?

  “To life, Bria. Fuck perfection! I never craved it! Everything I ever longed for was you, as imperfect as you point out you are, and witnessing every day the joy our love would bring me,” I shout, frustration oozing from me.

  “And I took it away from you. I am perfectly aware of it, Damien. Your accusations come in waves which makes it hard not to note,” she spouts, and it angers the hell out of me.

  I count to ten and ask, trying for a calmness that eludes me, “How would you have viewed me, Bria, if you knew I sired your misery?”

  “The same, I suppose. At times, it seems I don’t know anything anymore. The only constant in my life is guilt.”

  “And as much as I want to absolve you of it, I can’t, Bria, because I would lose myself forever by setting you free, and I can´t and won´t do either.”

  Bria places a hand on her chest, a sigh rocking her body. Her eyes find mine, wide with sincerity as she hugs herself. “I’m tired, so incredibly exhausted. Sometimes, I’m still a young girl who doesn’t know what this big world expects from her, but most of the time, I feel like I’m too old to care anymore and ready to face the inevitable. Torn between the past and the present, finding no place to be. I’m just wandering the world lost, worn out, and empty.”

  Good, but then why did I want to commit murder the moment her pain surfaces and hangs around us? One second, I wish to slay her demons, the next, to cage her in with even more of them. “Welcome to my world, Bria. How nice of you to choose me as your companion. You shackled me to the same destiny.”

  “Like we are bound together but always separate.”

  “The story of our lives, Bria.”

  Our eyes lock, and our hands clench together. Rebellious thoughts brew in my brain as I shut my eyes and grit my teeth.

  DAMIEN

  Bria quits our gazing contest, shifts into a crossing-her-legs position and snuggles in the blanket. Her long hair conceals some of her modesty, but I can still see too much of her mouth-watering nakedness as I groan into my pillow.

  “My number two favorite memory I’m sure will surprise you because you were not there, per se, but you were in my heart and mind. It was the day I picked the engagement ring.”

  Her face drops, and she stares at her hands.

  “I never knew you bought one. I always believed you might have, but I never dared to ask. Afterward, I thought you must have thrown it away.”

  “I had it with me that day. My first reaction was to hurl it in the trash, but I kept it as a reminder of how great a fool I was.”

  “Damien…” She clenches at my shoulders, and her lips quiver. Watching her so affected plays havoc with my core. What the fuck should I do? Her frame melding against my body feels too good to let go, and still, I have to punish her for making me feel so damn weak.

  “What, Bria? Are you going to deny it, or are you searching
for words that might potentially cheer me up? Trust me, there aren’t any, so don’t even try.”

  I suppress a growl at the irony behind my so-called restraint. Here I am a slave to her whims as I allow her to try and patch the wound she first inflicted. Tomorrow I will cringe at my pathetic ass, but until then, I will dive in the waves of the agony of having her.

  I clear my throat, and continue, “There were still a few days until Christmas when I received a phone call from Cartier’s telling me the ring was ready to pick up. I went through countless guides and catalogs. Then, I had to guess the ring size because I couldn’t trust anyone to find out. I sweat pounds during those months… the result, a ring symbolizing our love embodied in a symbol, unique as my future wife, I thought at that time.”

  “What happened to it?”

  “What happened to everything regarding you?”

  “Oh, I’m sure I know the answer by now… under lock and never to be seen by me.”

  Her irritation doesn’t bother me. I feel a faux sense of justice. “You were always brilliant, Bria.”

  She raises her hands in the air and sighs. “I just wish to know which symbol you’re talking about, Damien.”

  “But why would I grant you the satisfaction, Bria? You would not only have seen it, you also would have worn it. Except, you wanted to experience life rather than building one with me,” I spit, and the weight of my agony drags me down. There is no surprise she takes advantage of my limp state to pin me, and straddle my lap as her blazing eyes burn a hole in my chest. With her hair shooting in all directions, a threatening finger in my face, a palm on my stomach to trap me there, her brows snap together, and her mouth in a firm line, she looks fierce and stunning. What does she want to prove? And still, I indulge her by not budging.

  “Stop it. You don’t have to be so cruel. Don’t you see what you’re doing? You punish me by punishing you, and it’s not fair. I loved you to madness and back, Damien. You and only you. I don’t know why I did what I did, but…” she squeezes my face in her hands, “… I was utterly and irrevocably in love with you. So, you can accuse me of anything else, but never, and I mean it, Damien, never say something like that because I swear to you, all I dreamed of since I had a mind of my own was to marry you. Don’t you get it? Or don’t you want to accept I loved you with all my heart? Have you forgotten that fact?”