Seven months since his ex-wife walked out.
He missed having someone to share his sense of humor, to watch the sunrise and to … he admitted to himself that he missed the raw intimacy of waking next to someone he loved. Legs intertwined, spooning in their sleep.
All the things he remembered he once had with Lucy and threw away simply because she wasn’t someone else.
The distance he created between them evaporated as Lucy reached for his hand again. This time he gently pushed her away, “I wish I could.”
“It’s never been the right time for us, has it?” she misunderstood his reluctance.
“Believe me, it isn’t because I still love her, I don’t anymore. And it’s not because I don’t care about you because you have to know that I do.”
“Not in that way anymore,” she sighed. There had to be a way he could prove to her that he needed time to prove himself as a father before he could be there for her as a man. She added, “I understand, you need time to grieve.”
She seemed surprised when he laughed, “I did all that when I saw her every week when we handed over the kids. The definition of grief is coming home to an empty house. Cleaning it and it stays clean because the people you love most in the world aren’t running through leaving toys, clothes and dirty dishes in their wake.”
“Sounds perfect.”
“Believe me, what I feel for you has nothing to do with her.” How could he tell her without hurting her all over again?
“Then what,” the slight tremor of her lips calling out for him to reclaim them before she lowered her head. This had gone way past an old friend paying visit no matter what they tried to believe. She deserved the truth.
“Lucy,” he waited until she looked up. “I promise you, I want you in every way imaginable, and I remember we had great imaginations.” He tried not to watch the rise and fall of her breasts with every heartbeat. Damn it, he couldn’t tell the difference between what he wanted and what he needed.
“I remember,” a subconscious lick made her all the more kissable.
“I don’t want to put you in the middle of this stuff with the department, and I don’t want you to think for one minute that my feelings for you are only because I’m looking for a replacement mother for the kids.”
“I want to be here for you,” it took every ounce of self control not to sweep her away to his bedroom. To hell with that, the kitchen bench was closer!
No!
“Luc, I need you to understand. After everything that is happening, I need to prove to everyone, including me that I can do this on my own. I need the kids to trust me and know, really believe deep down that I’ll be there for them.”
For all his will power, when Lucy leaned over and kissed him, his entire body wanted to give way to her. Breaking away, he cupped her face, savoring the look of love he remembered so well. Not deterred, Lucy twisted her fingers around his and wouldn’t let him go any more than her eyes would release his.
He needed time to prove he could do this on his own and before he could take the risk of inviting another woman into his heart and children’s lives. More importantly, if ever a woman wanted to come into their lives, she would have to put his kids first and him second.
Still feeling the memory of her lips on his, perhaps she was already in his life. He hoped she could wait a little longer.
Calm Before Storm
The routine was surprisingly easy to create, only becoming difficult when Retha caught a cold at daycare and shared it with Eddie. Despite his own sore throat, Seth managed to still spend twenty hours in the office over two days, set up “sick beds” in the lounge room so he could hear them easier in the middle of the night, and accepted advice and help from Jo and Lucy.
“You would have to be the most stubborn man,” Jo scolded when he admitted how hard it had been to ask for help.
“I didn’t want anyone thinking I couldn’t look after them. Now, I’m more scared of losing them.”
“How do they like Lucy?” Jo never trusted Grace to be committed to him and wasn’t subtle in her approval of Lucy.
“Retha thinks she’s pretty and now wants to grow up to have dark hair like her. Owen was impressed she could kick a football and Eddie just likes having her around.”
“And you?”
“What?”
“I’m hoping you take things slowly.”
“She would never hurt me,” he stopped laughing when Jo gave him one of the looks usually reserved for Joe when he said something stupid.
“I’m not worried about you, she deserves better than to be your rebound.”
“I would never …”
“Are you telling me you were over Grace the first time you two got together?”
“That was different. I was still in love with Grace.”
“And you’re not now?” He loved Jo like a sister and knew she would call him out on any crap.
“I could never forgive her for what she has done. Never.”
“Doesn’t mean you don’t still love her.”
“I love the three children she gave me, and I love the life we built together. I don’t love the woman she is now and I promise you and anyone else who’ll listen, I’ll never love that woman again.”
The days without friends or Lucy dropping by or calling were rare. He hadn’t realized what an impact Grace had on his other relationships. Now, he was free to hang out with Lucy after board meetings, catch up on weekends, or even be together without the kids.
“Rainy Tuesday, are you onsite or in office?” the text came through after he dropped the kids off to school and daycare. A rare day where no new proposals needed his attention, and he had planned to spend all day laboring with his team. It was how he started his career and tried to put in a couple of days each quarter to not only keep up his skills, but to inspire and get to know his staff. Even though the sun was now out, the ground was too muddy for his team to be onsite today.
“Ready to phone a friend for company.”
“Movies or pizza?”
He smiled, at least she didn’t say “Netflix and chill,” which he understood from overhearing banter on site, had saucier expectations. Although, it wouldn’t be so bad to spend the day in bed with a good friend and old lover. Something to think about for another day.
“How are you at putting flat pack furniture together?” He ordered a new bedroom suite months ago and had been putting off even thinking about where to start.
“I’ve been known to do it with instructions or without,” a flash memory of how little instruction Lucy ever needed when they were together.
“Come over and see where the mood takes us,” for the first time in a long time he was ready to flirt and possibly even follow through, depending on how they fared with the spanner and screw driver!
“I’m still hungry,” he didn’t know how to take her response, but it would be interesting to find out.
A wave of peace came over him as the old mattress shuddered to a standstill onto the tray in the back of his ute. All the old sheets, doonas and pillow cases were bagged up to give to charity. A week ago, the kids helped him cut his old blankets into smaller pieces to give to the RSPCA for cats and dogs to lie on while they awaited adoption.
“I heard you needed a woman who knows her way around tools,” he didn’t hear Lucy come up the driveway until she stood next to the ute. “So, we’re moving on?”
“Yep. Need to trash the past first. Can you swing an axe or hammer?”
“Try me.”
The bed screws would have allowed him to pull the bedframe apart, package it up and donate to charity. As much as he wanted to do good in the world, this was about him and letting go of the past.
Whoosh. The sledgehammer crashed through the frame, sending splinters flying. Again, he hit the bedhead where his cheating wife had lain. Another several swipes reduced the large pieces into fragments.
“Here,” Lucy handed him a soda water. “Thanks for making the pieces small enough f
or me to carry.”
“Yeah, that’s why,” not fooling either of them. “I never felt I could move on from her before.”
“And now,” he felt Lucy stiffen at his side. “I mean, it’s none of my business …”
“I never felt this free. I truly don’t love her anymore, and I don’t care if I ever see her again. I can’t erase her from the house because she’s still mother to my children, but I’m gonna remove her from this room. It was my room before she moved in, and it’s time I made it mine again.”
“You’ll need paint,” Lucy pulled out her device and downloaded color swatches. “How about this?” she showed him bold blues and brown.
“Are you kidding?” he took it off her, “I need to make it a bachelor pad with reds and blacks!”
“Uh, what sort of woman are you expecting to sleep in a room like that.”
“Baby, if she’s coming home with me, she ain’t sleeping!” he spoke before thinking.
The easy banter ceased and Lucy put her device away and started collecting up pieces of bedframe to take outside.
Stupid, stupid man, he punished himself, how could he think of joking about bringing another woman home! Stupid.
Together they worked in an uneasy silence, packing up broken pieces of wood and then sweeping together the smaller pieces and splinters. By the time Seth got out the vacuum cleaner and cleared out his room, he felt a renewed sense of energy and light.
“Coming paint shopping with me?”
“Based on your original choices, it would be a sin to let you shop alone,” her silky laugh broke through any remaining discomfort. “Is there food involved or have I already asked that question?”
“The lady wants to eat?” he grabbed his wallet from the kitchen as she followed him out the door.
“The lady wants to be satisfied,” a cheeky smile as he opened the car door for her.
“I’ll see what I can do,” every part of him wanted to kiss her, just to see if her lips were as soft and welcoming as they used to be. To find the small of her back and trace down to the scar he remembered she had on her hip from an old cycling accident. Instead, he helped her with the seatbelt before tying down the load and heading fifteen minutes out of town for the tip.
“How’s Matt going?” Lucy asked after they dropped off all the remnants of his bedroom.
“Is this Lucy my friend or Lucy the social worker talking?” Immediately, he held his breath, could today have been an unscheduled welfare check?
“Relax,” she assured him, “If I’m on the clock, I’ll let you know. I’m asking as a friend.”
“Is that all I am to you, a friend?” Their banter was becoming more playful and it wouldn’t hurt his confidence to flirt with a gorgeous woman.
“I don’t think you could handle anything more,” she turned to look out of the car window, closing off further conversation until they arrived back in town, parking outside the local paint shop.
“Miss Dawson,” the young shop assistant was a former client of Lucy’s and once again, Seth was in awe of how much she gave of herself to her young charges.
“Keep up the night school and let me know if you need a reference.”
“Will do, Miss,” Seth’s deep ochre, soft caramel and off-white paints were prepared and packaged.
“I assume you have paintbrushes and stuff at home?” Lucy asked as they dropped off the supplies in the back of the ute.
“I think the business can spare me a couple of items. Look, I promised you lunch, but I’ve only got a couple of hours before the kids get home from school.”
“What if we grab some pizzas to heat up when they get home – a ready snack or early dinner.”
“Are you sure?” he didn’t want the day to end, but he also didn’t want to be sleeping on the floor.
“Let’s get you home to bed,” again with the cheeky smile.
“I thought you’d never ask.”
Two hours later, the bedframe finished, and Seth pulled the plastic wrapping from the new mattress he had avoided thinking about in the garage. Bought on impulse, hidden away from his own eyes until he was emotionally ready to replace the mattress he had slept on since, well, almost since he moved out of home.
“Ready?” Lucy panted, dropping her end onto the floor while Seth dragged it next to the frame.
“As I’ll ever be,” and together they pushed it onto the solid cedar frame. “Looks like a different room already.”
“Once you paint it, but where are the sheets?”
“Out on the line, I took a chance with the weather. Brand new and just waiting to be christened.”
“Seems like you’re really after a fresh start. I guess you want me to go and get them for you,” she giggled as he chased her out to the clothes line.
“Not so fast, I can’t have you bringing in my washing! What would my neighbors think?”
“Imagine what they would say if they knew I was in your bedroom all day, working up a sweat.”
“You are amazing,” he swung her around, into his arms and instinctively and without warning, their lips joined. Ever so tentatively at first. As soft as blowing out a candle.
Only, this was Lucy. Back in the recesses of his memory, her taste, her kisses came flooding back.
Hungry for more, he twisted the clean sheets around them until they were trapped together. Hips against grinding hips. Tongue and lips crashing together until they both came up for air.
“Seth, we …”
“Shhh,” he interrupted. “I’m not going to apologize, and I’m not going to try and analyze it.”
“I … we … we’ve had our chance.”
“I know, and I haven’t forgotten how hard it was to go back to being friends.”
“I can’t let you do this to me again,” her words so soft he barely caught them over the birds singing in the trees.
Slowly, he unwound the sheets and released her. “The kids will be home in half an hour. How about we put the pizzas on so I can feed you, and we just chill for the afternoon. No pressure, nothing that you don’t want to do.”
“I’m pretty sure I asked for a movie with my pizza,” the sunny smile returned and he took a chance at holding her hand while they walked inside.
“Don’t get any crazy ideas about a love story, the boys are addicted to the new dinosaur movie.”
“Can’t wait – how about I make up a batch of popcorn for everyone.”
“Pizza and popcorn – the kids will want you over all the time.”
Seth didn’t let Lucy help him make the bed. After that kiss, the temptation to christen the new sheets would be too great. Seriously, he thought, the one kiss would hold him until they were both sure.
Until then, he felt a welcome stirring and he could dream.
“What the fuck!” his lawyer’s latest email caught Seth off-guard. Dialing furiously, his world was already upside down and now threatened to be turned inside out.
“Simon, it’s Seth. What the hell is that selfish bitch, ex-wife of mine doing now?”
“Seth, calm down. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before. Grace feels now that she’s settled down that she wants the children to move in with her.”
“Overseas. Over my dead body will they move overseas. I’ll never see them again. She can’t do this.” Telling him to calm down was wasted breath better used to plan for battle.
“I don’t know whether you realized what she didn’t ask for,” his lawyer started, tentatively.
“She doesn’t want Matt, only the ‘product of the union’. What the fuck does she think this will do to Matt? How do I tell him that he’s just as important to me as the others, but the woman he called ‘mum’ has wiped him.”
“It will work to our favor. The court will see how hard you are fighting to keep them all together.”
“She walked out, on all of us. Couldn’t even be bothered to show up for the first custody hearing and now all of a sudden wants me to give up all rights and the rights the kids have to gr
ow up with their friends and family.”
“Again, it will work to your advantage. We need to …”
“I need my kids. All of them. I can’t be fighting for them on all fronts. With community services wanting to take Matt, and now this …” his voice trailed off as his initial anger gave way to the dread of losing his family.
“Seth, I need you to let me handle this. All communication is through me other than scheduled video contacts with her children.”
“What about …” he started.
“Whatever you are thinking, don’t do it. In my experience, no! Talking to her won’t help. Talking to her parents won’t help. Let me handle this on your behalf. I know what I’m doing.”
“Luc, I need you,” four little words left on her machine when he couldn’t sleep.
Her phone bleeped at two am, waking her only an hour after she finished the end of month accounts. Management meant less cases to directly manage, but far more paperwork and bureaucracy. She needed another three foster carers and a respite carer but the financials were not giving her the answers she needed.
The pain in Seth’s voice tugged at her heart. Replaying his message, she couldn’t hear panic so the kids were safe. No, it was the cry of a wounded animal. She couldn’t sleep knowing he needed her.
“Thanks for calling,” he answered on the first ring. “I don’t want to ask.”
“Seth, what do you need?” Now wasn’t the time to explain why she had avoided him since that wonderful day. One perfect day, one perfect kiss, and then nothing. Each time he asked her out, she found a credible reason to decline.
He might think he was ready to move on but she wasn’t ready to trust him, not yet and not now. He’d cleared out his bedroom, made jokes about bringing a woman back not to sleep. She refused to be his rebound, not again.
But if he needed her as a friend …
“She wants to take the kids.”
“Mrs Grainger? No, I would have heard.” Lucy sat up, flicking through her emails, hoping she hadn’t missed one about Matt.
Never Second Best Page 5