by A. Zavarelli
And then something hits me in the arm. It hurts and surprises me. But I don’t take my attention off my da. It happens again on my leg, and this time I notice it’s a small stone. The people are throwing them at me.
I don’t understand. But the chanting is getting louder, and my hands are sticky. I’m halfway across the beam. And then something wet hits me in the face. It smells like fruit, only rotten. I try to wipe it from my eyes, but something hits me in the leg as I do. And that’s when I lose my balance.
The last thing that I see before I fall into the pit below is the disappointed expression on my da’s face. And he was right. Because even when the men come and carry me back to the room and tell me that my leg is broken, I never see him again.
***
Conor tries to accompany me to my house, but I tell him to stay put. I just want to be alone. He apologizes again, and I disregard him entirely.
The drive home is short and quiet. Not many people know I live on the same street as Crow. I’ve followed him all my life. Ever since he found me in that bloody massacre of a church so many years ago. The memories are blurry at times, but occasionally sharp too.
I walk up the steps to my door and am greeted by the dog. When I collapse onto the sofa, she jumps into my lap and whines as she nudges me. I don’t know what she wants. I wish she would leave me alone, but I can’t bring myself to push her away.
“I suppose ye’re hungry again,” I tell her.
She whines in agreement and then curls up on my lap. It’s odd that it doesn’t bother me. I’ve never been around an animal before. But I know she’d never try to hurt me. So it doesn’t bother me.
My head falls back against the chair and I think of Sasha. The horrific thing that I’ve done which I’ll never be able to wash away.
The blood of others has never troubled me. I kill to protect the syndicate. Crow, Conor, Niall. The men who have been loyal to me. My brethren. But I’ve never hurt a woman.
I never wanted to hurt Sasha.
She didn’t come to me. She didn’t trust me enough to protect her from Donovan. Or to tell me that he knew our secret. I’ve been out of sorts since I learned the truth. I wanted to fault her for it. Shake her and demand that she tell me why. She was supposed to trust me. To understand that I would take care of her.
But now I know. I know exactly why.
She’ll never trust me again.
Two days come and go with calls unanswered before Crow comes knocking at my door. He lets himself in and sits down across from me.
The dog is in my lap, and he looks at her and then to me with a stupid grin on his face.
“I’m not keeping her,” I tell him.
“Ah sure,” he agrees. “She’s awfully fond of you though.”
I set her down on the floor and tell her to go away. She sits down and rests her head on my foot instead.
“Ye’re needed back at the club,” Crow says. “We have a shipment tonight, in case you forgot.”
“I haven’t forgot,” I tell him.
“Could have fooled me,” he says. “Being as I haven’t heard from ye in two days.”
“I’ve been busy.”
Silence falls between us, and I can’t look at him. Crow knows me better than anyone. He doesn’t judge me. Or blame me. He’s always let me be who I am and never asked me to change. But I’m still ashamed for what I’ve done.
“She’s fine, if ye’re wondering,” he says. “Mack’s checked up on her twice, as have I.”
I don’t reply, but his words make the tension in my muscles dissolve just a bit. Even if they shouldn’t.
“Do ye believe it would be the end of the world if you just talked to her, Fitz?”
“And what exactly would I have to say?” I reply.
“The truth. She could understand it if you gave her a chance to.”
“I still don’t understand it myself,” I tell him. “How can ye expect me to explain it to her.”
“Or that’s what ye like to say anyway,” Crow says. “Suit yourself.”
He stands and walks towards the door.
“Six tonight,” he says. “Don’t be late.”
I nod, and he pauses with his palm on the handle. “I guess it also won’t interest ye to know that Sasha wants to leave when her mom passes.”
I look up at him, trying to process his words. The tension that dissolved only moments ago returns with a new sort of pressure, and my head swirls with the frustration of trying to sort out this unfamiliar emotion.
“But as ye said, no point in talking about it,” Crow continues. “Just in case ye did care to know though, I told her yes.”
Chapter Ten
Sasha
I’m halfway between sleep and consciousness when I feel the weight of the bed dip. At first, I wonder if I’m dreaming. Because in my sleep addled brain that’s the only possibility I want to accept.
But when I catch the shadow of a man hovering over me, followed by his gloved hand sliding over my mouth, I try to scream. The hand clamps down tighter over my mouth, and all I can taste is the leather of his glove while I thrash beneath him.
He climbs on top of me and pins me with his weight, and tears leak out of my eyes unbidden. But when he leans forward, his scent lingers between us. Malt liquor and roasted pine nuts. And it has the immediate effect of calming me.
“Ronan?”
The question is muffled behind his glove, but when he senses me calming, he smooths my tangled hair away from my face. I can make out his eyes now in the dim light, wild with rare emotion. He isn’t wearing his glasses. And his suit jacket is missing, leaving only a crisp white button up stretched across his chest. His neck is corded, his breathing harsh. He’s angry. But I’m not afraid.
I reach up and pry his hand away from my mouth so I can talk freely.
“What are you doing here?” I ask. “How did you even get in?”
Those are the two most logical questions to ask in this situation, rather than why he’s sneaking into my room, scaring me half to death. Ronan always goes about things in odd ways, and it’s almost comical that I’ve come to expect this sort of behavior from him. He doesn’t answer me though, as usual, so I continue to push him.
“Talk to me,” I insist. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
I don’t actually expect him to answer. He never answers me. So this time when he does, it shocks the ever living hell out of me.
“You didn’t tell me,” he says.
His voice is accusing, tinged with hurt and anger.
“I didn’t tell you what?”
“About Donovan.”
Shame wells up inside of me, and I blink back tears as I shake my head. I don’t want to talk about that. I don’t want to try to explain my logic. It will never make sense to him. These guys, they all think the same. He would be offended if I told him I was trying to protect him. But the alternative is even worse.
“I knew what you would do to him if I told you,” I whisper. “I don’t think you would be able to help yourself. Just like with Blaine.”
He’s quiet and still, studying me with his eyes. Those eyes make me feel exposed. Like I can’t hide from him. But right now, I don’t want to.
“Am I right, Ronan?”
Silence. I hate his silence. I don’t understand why he can’t just talk to me. Why it’s so hard for him to talk to me, but not everyone else.
“I knew what the consequences would be if you killed him,” I say. “And I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t let anything happen to you because of me. Because of what you did for me.”
He doesn’t blink. Or move. Or show any sort of a response to my confession whatsoever, except for an overwhelming sadness in his eyes. It makes me feel like I betrayed him. He can’t understand. He could never understand.
“I know what you must think of me,” I attempt to justify. “But I never gave him my body. I did things I’m not proud of to keep him quiet. But I just wanted him to keep his mouth shut. I just wante
d…”
A sob bursts from my lips, and Ronan lowers his body over mine, swallowing me up completely. He’s got me pinned, the heat of his body soaking into mine. He expels a deep breath. And then another. He’s wrestling with himself. Eye fucking me while he tries to talk himself out of it at the same time. But it’s too late. We both know it.
He’s on me then. His hands are on my body, groping me. They feel huge against me. Rough and calloused. The hard to my soft. His face is buried in my hair, wrecking it as his nose drags along my neck. He’s breathing me in. Taking another hit of me like it’s the thing he’s been jonesing for all this time. His cock jams against my hip bone when he grinds into me.
He nudges my legs apart and pushes his palm between my legs like he owns that part of me. Who am I to argue? He does fucking own me. He's polluted my mind so that I can only ever think of him. Only ever want him.
My hands slide up his back as I wrap my legs around him and pull him closer. My breath is hot against his ear, murmuring his name. Any shame or confusion has dissipated into a haze of manic craving. I will never understand what it is about this quiet, enigmatic man that renders me completely senseless.
Ronan feels it too. This explosive link between us. All I have to do is enter his orbit, and I’m a slave to his power. I suspect that’s why he’s always avoiding me. He doesn’t want to give in to the same force.
But right now, in the darkness of my bedroom, he’s already surrendered. He’s fumbling with his belt buckle, even as he pleads with me to put an end to the madness.
“Tell me to stop,” he chokes out. “Tell me not to touch you.”
I don’t. Instead, I drag my fingers through his hair and watch him shudder.
“Take off your clothes,” I counter. “Let me feel you, Ronan.”
He ignores me, too far gone to hear or make sense of my words. He yanks my panties aside roughly and plows into me in one hard thrust. A strangled sound of shock and pleasure bleeds up from my throat, and he freezes to look down at me.
“Keep going,” I beg.
He couldn’t stop if he tried though. He’s fucking me like he’s drunk. He’s manic and out of control. Banging into me so hard it’s going to leave bruises. His eyes keep falling shut, but he’s trying to keep them open. Watching me.
He’s searching my face, but for what I can’t tell. I feel like he needs my reassurance. That he hasn’t killed me in his insanity. That he’s doing this right. I don’t know why, but there’s vulnerability in his eyes.
I stroke my fingers down the base of his neck and pull him closer. I want to kiss him. He’s never let me kiss him. I can’t even imagine how good it’s going to feel, but I know once I have a taste I’ll be ruined forever.
It takes him a moment to understand what it is I want. And when I brush my lips against his, he hesitates. But it only lasts a second. A visible shudder moves through him when my breath mingles with his, and it triggers something inside of him. His fingers grip my face roughly, holding me in place as he tastes me too. It’s not soft. It’s not sweet. It’s something wild and three long years in the making. A kiss that purges the memory of all other kisses before him.
Ronan devours me with his mouth and with his body. His thrusts are erratic and out of control. I think he’s trying to be gentle, but he can’t rein himself in. His hands are cupping the back of my head, our tongues and teeth clashing with the force of our want for each other. He looks like he’s in agony. Drugged, so high on me I can’t bring myself to look away for even a second. This man’s strength is unrivaled in anyone else I’ve ever known, but right now he’s a slave to me.
It isn’t one sided. Every part of my body responds to him. To his taste and his touch. It’s chaotic and hot, the way our hips bump against each other and we can’t seem to find a comfortable medium. We’re caught up in the madness, and I’ve never been more turned on in my entire life. He’s fucking me like I’m his prize. His trophy.
And then he’s not fucking me at all. His head falls back and his entire body shakes as he lets out an agonized groan. Warmth fills me, and it surprises me. I’m not the only one.
There’s a beat of silence before Ronan pulls away awkwardly, searching my eyes again for something he doesn’t want to see. Even if it isn’t there, he’s seeking out anything he can latch onto. A reason to leave. I grab his face and pull it back to mine, mauling him with my lips.
It works. Because whatever was on his mind only a moment ago is soon forgotten as he grows inside of me again. The longer we kiss and touch and feel each other, the harder he gets. And then he’s thrusting into me, again. I kiss my way down his throat, tasting his skin and his scent. I’m moaning against him, and every time I do, a sound of relief and pleasure echoes from his own chest.
My hands find his ass and I try to pull him deeper inside of me, but he pushes my palms up to his back. I don’t question it. Ronan is different. I don’t know if something awful happened to him. I don’t know why he won’t take off his clothes or what his unspoken rules are. And I don’t want to push him past his comfort zones.
But it doesn’t stop me from testing them. When I slip my hands beneath the fabric of his shirt to feel his skin, he sighs out his pleasure. His movements are still jarring. Hard, brute thrusts that he can barely control. His body is powerful and solid in my hands. But he’s unsure of himself.
When he yanks down my chemise and my breasts bounce free, he becomes distracted and stops moving altogether as he pauses to stare at them. His eyes are heavy with hunger when he dips his head to taste me. He pins me down and licks at my nipples. And then he’s sucking me into his mouth, groaning against my skin.
He’s a mixture of brutal and sensual. Sweet and hard. Rough and thoughtful.
Everything about him is so fucking male. His hands, his mouth… they dwarf every part of me. In his arms, I’m small and fragile. Completely at his mercy. His cock inside of me stretches me to the point of pleasure and pain.
He starts moving again, and I can’t do anything but lay here and take it. His perfect hair mussed from my hands, his pants hanging just off his hips as he fucks me into the bed. I never want it to end. But the pressure I so desperately need to escape is building inside of me, and I can’t hold back any longer.
My head jerks back against the pillow and I dig my fingers into his back as I come hard and clamp down around his cock. Guttural and unfamiliar sounds vibrate from my throat against Ronan’s chest as he echoes me with his own. Warm spurts of his come fill me as he tips his head back and closes his eyes.
I wrap my arms around him and squeeze, terrified that he’s going to go away now. Like he always does. That he’ll leave and pretend this never happened for another two years. I’m not ready for that. I can’t handle that.
I don’t want to stop touching him. I don’t want to stop feeling this way. The way I do when I’m with him. Maybe it makes me weak, to want someone so much. But if he were to say the word right now, I would be his. I’d do anything he asked of me in this moment.
But just as I feared, when his breathing has calmed, he pulls away. He won’t even look at me as he fastens his belt buckle and zips up his pants before smoothing his hair back into place.
“Ronan?”
There’s no response. He just ignores me as if I’m nothing. And I can take that treatment from everyone else in my life, but not him. So when he gets up to leave, I lash out at him the only way I can.
“When can I expect you back?” I yell at his retreating form. “Another two years from now? You just gonna’ come in here and fuck me as you please like every other man in your outfit tries to? Well next time, make sure you bring a condom because I’m not on the fucking pill!”
His shoulders draw together as he reaches for the door, and I know I’ve hit a nerve with him. I shouldn’t have said it, but it’s the truth. He doesn’t have to worry about these things as he goes on his merry way, but I do.
Just like the last time.
I saw the way he watch
ed me after it happened. For months, he kept glancing at my stomach. Wondering. Fearing. Worrying. I could see it in his eyes. He was afraid he’d gotten me pregnant.
That only makes it hurt worse.
And if I had needed any confirmation that leaving this place is the best thing for me, this is it. But when he slams the door behind him, it doesn’t make it any easier to accept.
Chapter Eleven
Ronan
Time in this black space does not exist.
I haven’t any clue how long it’s been since I’ve seen another human. Not even Farrell or Coyne. The closest I come is when the door opens and a small sliver of light spills in for a moment as they toss me a mesh bag with my rations for the day.
The bread is always moldy and stale, but I eat it nonetheless. I miss the lady in the room. The one who cared for us. But they told me I will never see her again. I’m a man now, they say. It’s time to forget all else apart from my training and my purpose.
The racket never ceases. Every day, it’s loud music. And then crying babies. Tortured screams. An endless reel of noise. I’ve become immune to it. Learned to sleep with it. But the bugs and the rats, I cannot. They are always crawling on me, and I can’t see them.
I feel as though I’m going mad. I think that’s what they want. Then I question if the bugs are even real. If perhaps I only imagine them in my head.
I don’t know the day or even the year when they come for me again. Coyne and Farrell. They look different. They have beards now, and when the cool air hits my skin, I realize the season has changed too. They speak to me as we walk, but the words don’t register.
My mind has drowned everything out. Even them. They lead me to a big building I’ve never been in before. And then to a kitchen, with a metal door. Farrell opens it and shoves me inside. He points at the corner, where there’s a bucket and a blanket. His lips move, but there’s only the screaming. Wailing. Loud music.