by A. Zavarelli
And then they leave.
It’s cold. Even colder than the cellar where they kept me before. It’s a freezer, I realize. Soon, Coyne and Farrell come back with another lad. I’ve seen him during parts of my training. Alex. They shove him inside and point to the other bucket and blanket.
He tries to speak to me too. I sit down and wrap the blanket around my shoulders and question how old I am now. Twelve, I think. Maybe even older. I haven’t a clue. Only the darkness exists, even out here in the light.
The air becomes colder with each passing minute, and soon my eyes grow heavy. I fall asleep, and it feels nice. I’m warm. And comfortable. But then someone’s kicking me with his boot. I look up to see Alex, and the ringing in my ears has finally stopped. I can hear him now though it’s still distorted.
“You have to keep moving,” he says.
I kick him away with my foot and try to go back to sleep. But he persists.
“If you go back to sleep, you will die. You have to keep moving to stay warm. It’s a test. When you get really cold, you feel like you want to go to sleep. But if you do, you’ll never wake up again.”
I blink up at him and process his words. I don’t know if he’s right or not, but maybe he is. Maybe that’s why I feel so warm. Why I feel like I don’t want to move.
When I finally do, my body is stiff, and I can’t feel my fingers when I press them to my lips.
“We have to keep moving,” Alex says. “It’s the only way to stay alive. We have to do it together. Keep each other awake.”
I stand up and wait for Alex’s lead. I don’t know how he knows so much, only that he was brought here a lot later than I was. He speaks of the places outside of the compound. Of school and the things he learned there. I know none of these things, but when he speaks, I believe him.
He paces the length of the freezer, and I follow suit. And then he tells me more about the places. He talks about a church. A big white church where him and his mammy used to go every Sunday. He never tells me what happened to her, but his voice is sad when he says her name. He tells me a lot of things about her, but never what happened.
I don’t have a mammy. Or a da. Only Coyne and Farrell.
And now Alex too.
We aren’t supposed to speak to each other. But he always speaks to me. And we always seem to be in the same phases of training together too.
Throughout the next hour, he tells me all sorts of things. But we’re both slowing down. My eyes will barely stay open, and Alex is slurring his words.
When Coyne finally comes back for us, I am relieved. But that relief never lasts long. He doesn’t take me back to the pit. Instead, he takes us to the pond where Farrell is already waiting.
We stand in line with some of the other lads, and they bind our hands and feet. And then one by one, they shove us into the water.
Ten of us go in. Only seven ever come out.
***
As I’m heading off from Sasha’s, Crow rings me. As always, his timing is impeccable.
“Aye,” I answer. “What is it?”
“Niall’s received word from the Russians that Andrei is back in town,” he says. “They want you to take care of it.”
“Where?”
“It’s a house,” he replies. “I’ll text you the address.”
“Fine.”
“Just scope it out first,” Crow tells me. “They don’t know if he’s there alone.”
Silence falls, and I think of Sasha upstairs. How I’ve made an arse of myself with her again. How I haven’t a clue what I’m doing with her or how to pleasure a woman. When she touches me, I have no control over my reactions. It feels too good. And I know I’m going to embarrass myself. Just like I did tonight.
I could ask Crow about it. But the notion of that is even worse. At this stage in my life, I should have worked these things out by now. But I haven’t.
I’ve only ever been good at one thing. And it isn’t this.
“Fitz?” Crow breaks the silence. “All good?”
“It’s all in hand,” I tell him. “I’ll sort out Andrei.”
“They want it done clean,” Crow says. “OD or suicide would be preferable. Anyone he’s been working with needs to know he’s dead.”
“I’ll take care of it,” I reassure him.
“I’m sure I don’t need to remind ye how you mentioned you wanted more responsibility,” Crow says. “This job is an important one, Fitz.”
I don’t reply. He doesn’t need to spell it out for me. He wants me to prove my worth. To the syndicate. To him.
To Sasha.
I had a notion that taking on more responsibility might make me worthy of her. But as it stands I’m clearly not, and I doubt I’ll ever be the sort of man she needs. My weakness tonight only further proved that. It wouldn’t do to be cocking it up every time I’m around her. It’s the reason I’ve kept my distance.
“Are ye sure everything’s alright?” Crow asks again.
“Aye. Everything’s just grand.”
***
When I reach the address that Crow texted me, the familiar pressure and rage has coiled so tightly inside of me I can scarcely contain it.
This is why I’m the Reaper.
None of the other lads in the syndicate are keen on this job. They don’t have rage like I do. Or bloodlust like I do. They don’t feel this pressure inside them. They kill when necessary. But it’s a switch they can turn on and off. Mine never turns off. There’s always this rage, simmering below the surface. I only have to choose a memory, a thought… and it’s there.
I disengage. These lives I take are insignificant to me. They mean nothing. These men have done wrong. The unredeemable. My only job is to send them to meet their maker. It’s never bothered me much before. Only now, I see Sasha’s face. The way she looked at me in the basement at Slainte. I wonder what she thought of me, in that moment. I wonder what she thinks of me right now.
It makes no difference, I suppose.
I pull the duffle bag from the car and gather what I need. The house has too many lights on, which tells me that Andrei isn’t alone. Most people don’t leave so many lights on when they are alone. Unless they are afraid. And Andrei isn’t afraid.
He’s a butcher, like me. But unlike me, he does it for pleasure. Women, mostly. Prostitutes. He’s been carving them up and leaving a trail of gore in every city he visits. He was an associate of the Russians, but he betrayed them. It doesn’t surprise me. I doubt the man has ever met a moral he didn’t scoff at.
Crow wanted this done cleanly. If I go in there now that isn’t going to happen. His expectations of me swirl around in my head, combining with the bitterness of this evening. Of Sasha.
I embarrassed myself in front of her.
The rage resurfaces, and washes away everything else. I screw the silencer onto my weapon and walk around to the back of the house. There’s a window at ground level. I kick it in and then move to the back door, waiting quietly as voices erupt inside the house.
Footsteps sound on the stairs into the basement, and someone yells out in Russian to check the back yard.
The first man barely has the door cracked before I put a bullet in his head. He falls to the floor and I walk over his body and straight towards the spray of gunfire that’s now aimed at me.
From the adjoining wall, I manage to take out another shooter.
The remaining two voices speak in muffled Russian before coming to an agreement. There’s still a man in the basement. And two in the kitchen. I haven’t worked out which one of them is Andrei. I won’t until I see him.
The front door shuts, and I have no choice. I go in blind. A bullet whizzes past my ear and then another hits me in the shoulder.
The man who fired it receives a bullet between the eyes in return. His friend is edging towards the door. It isn’t Andrei. I suspect that being the coward he is, he’s the one who slipped out the front door and ran. This one’s only a young lad. He’s holding a gun, but I have a
His eyes are wide and filled with fear. It isn’t an expression I’m unaccustomed to. Most people fear death. It’s only natural. But this lad, he looks like someone else I once knew. That boy from the compound. The one who died under Farrell’s hands. The one who set into motion all of the events that made me into the man I am.
And looking at this lad now, I both pity and loathe him.
But I can’t find it in me to raise my weapon.
He’s already had a clear look at my face. It would be unwise to let him go. But that’s exactly what I do. And to make matters worse, when he slips out the door, I sign my own death warrant.
“Tell Andrei that the Reaper sends his regards. We’ll meet another day.”
Chapter Twelve
Sasha
There’s a dull thump coming from the front door.
At first, I’m certain that I’m dreaming it, but the sound continues until it dwindles down to a light tapping.
I slip out of bed and throw on a tee shirt and some yoga pants. I didn’t even bother to get dressed or shower after Ronan left. Because I still wanted to smell like him. Pathetic, much?
By the time I get to the front door, the sound has stopped. And when I look out the peephole, I don’t see anything either.
It’s starting to feel like a horror movie, but I keep the chain on and crack the door open. And then I find Ronan, slumped against my door, with blood all over his shirt. I have to cover my mouth to keep from screaming.
I unlock the chain and open the door, and he looks up at me with those frigging sad brown eyes of his.
“Ronan?”
“No doctors.”
It’s the only thing he says before his head lolls to the side. And I’m officially freaking out. I kneel down to inspect him. He’s bleeding from a wound in his shoulder and it looks like he’s already lost a lot.
I clasp his face in my hands and give him a little shake.
“Ronan, I need you to stay awake, okay? And I need your help getting inside the apartment. Can you do that for me?”
He doesn’t reply, but he does move. He tries to stand up, and I wrap my arm around his back. But he’s too large, and I can’t support him.
We make it just inside the door before he collapses again. I can’t stop looking at the blood. Too much blood. And I’m close to panic. I know Lachlan will kill me if I call an ambulance, but I really think he needs one this time.
I make him as comfortable as I can on the floor, unbuttoning his coat so I have access to the wound. I whip off my tee shirt and press it over the bullet hole and then reach for his hand. His eyes are barely open, and he’s so weak. I feel him slipping away, and I can’t have that.
“I have to get you a doctor.”
“No doctors,” he croaks.
“Jesus, Ronan. I don’t have a choice.”
“No doctors,” he says again.
I press his hand over the tee shirt and hold it firmly in place. “You stay right there. I’m going to call Lachlan, okay?”
He nods, and his eyes close.
I run to my bedroom and fumble around the nightstand for my cell phone. When I find it, something else occurs to me. It’s going to take Lachlan a while to get here. And even longer to find someone who can help him. But I know someone who can, and she’s on standby, waiting for me to call anytime I need her.
I know it’s wrong, and they’ll probably just as likely kill me for this, but I scroll through my contacts and dial Amy’s number. She answers on the third ring, her voice sleepy.
“Sasha, is everything okay?” she asks.
“No,” I squeak out. “I need you to come over please. Right away.”
“Okay,” she says. “I’ll be there.”
“Please hurry.”
I hang up the phone and dial Lachlan as I move back towards Ronan. He’s barely conscious, but he’s still breathing. I hold pressure over the wound and give Lachlan a quick explanation of what’s happened. He tells me he’s on his way, so I hang up and wait.
Minutes come and pass, and I keep Ronan’s head in my lap, tracing over the lines of his face and stroking my fingers through his hair. Occasionally he finds the strength to look up at me.
“I’m going to take these off,” I tell him as I remove his glasses. “Okay? I want you to be comfortable.”
He doesn’t reply. He’s just watching me, calm as ever, like it’s no big deal. I want to ask him what happened. I want to ask him why he came to me. I have so many questions for him, but I know he needs to save his energy. So instead, I just sit beside him and stroke his face.
“You have kind hands,” he murmurs.
His eyes close again, and he starts to slip into unconsciousness.
“Ronan, you’ve got to stay with me.”
I watch his chest, and it’s still moving, but it’s hard to tell because my eyes are blurred with tears. The door opens and Amy nearly trips over both of us.
“Oh my God,” she says. “Have you called an ambulance?”
“No,” I tell her. “He doesn’t want a doctor. Please, you have to help him.”
“I… I can’t,” she sputters. “I don’t have the tools, my license…”
“Amy, please,” I beg. “He’s going to die if you don’t do something. Just help him until Lachlan can get a doctor here.”
She hesitates for another moment and then seems to come to some sort of a decision.
“I’ll help him get stabilized,” she says. “But he needs to go to the hospital when I’m done.”
She kneels down beside me, and starts listing off things that she needs.
I run around the house like a lunatic trying to gather everything and get them to her as fast as I can. She cuts his shirt off, and for the first time I see his chest. And I’m shocked by the amount of scars that litter his body.
Amy is too.
“Who is this guy?” she asks.
“He’s my…” I pause. “My friend. A really good friend.”
The door opens again, and this time it’s Lachlan. His face is white, and when his eyes land on Ronan, it’s obvious how much he really does care about this man. I’ve never felt like Lachlan and I would be able to relate on anything. But as it turns out, Ronan is our common ground. He’s staring back at me too, searching my eyes for answers before he can even ask them.
And then his gaze snaps to Amy, who is poking at Ronan’s wound.
“Who is she?” Lachlan asks.
“My mother’s home nurse.”
I leave out the part about me calling her.
“Can you help him?” Lachlan asks her.
Amy shakes her head in serious refusal. “He needs to go to the hospital. The bullet is still in there, and…”
“Sasha.” Lachlan interrupts. “Is there a bed where we can move him?”
“My room,” I tell him.
“Good, go get it ready. I need a moment to speak to Amy.”
I hesitate for the slightest of seconds and the guilt burns through me. He’s probably going to threaten her. Or maybe offer her money. Either way, I don’t care. The only thing I care about right now is Ronan and making sure he is okay.
So I do as Lachlan asks, and I walk down the hall and pull back the covers and move everything out of the way.
A moment later, Lachlan is behind me, lingering in the doorway.
“I need you to help me move him in here,” he says. “I’ve called some of the other lads, but I don’t want to wait. Amy’s going to help him, okay Sash?”
I nod and scurry after him. It takes all three of us to get him into the bed. And then Amy brings in her medical bag, and she starts setting up an IV line.
“What are you going to do?” I ask her.
“She’s giving him something to keep him calm,” Lachlan explains. “If he wakes up and someone he doesn’t know is touching him…”
He leaves the rest lingering, and I nod.
But Ronan does wake up. As Amy’s trying to set up the IV. And he goes completely ballistic. For a moment I’m too horrified by what I’m seeing to really understand it. He’s always been so strong, so calm and sure. The only time I’ve ever seen him lose it was with Blaine. But right now, he’s like a caged animal, thrashing around in the bed as Lachlan tries to hold him down. His wild and panicked eyes find mine, and my heart splinters. I crawl up on the bed beside him and grab his face.
“Shhh, Ronan,” I whisper. “It’s okay. Just look at me. Only me.”
To everyone’s surprise, my words seem to soothe him. So I keep repeating them, stroking his face beneath my fingers. He never takes his eyes off me.
“Do you trust me?” I ask him.
He nods.
“Okay, good,” I whisper. “Because I would never let anyone hurt you. Do you know that?”
He blinks and his breathing slows a little as his eyes search mine. Those deep brown eyes look so much like a small boy’s in this moment and not the man I know him to be. Right now he isn’t a violent predator. He’s my sweet, handsome Ronan. And behind the fringe of dark lashes and the armor he’s worn for so long, there is trust. For me. And I have a feeling that later, when I reflect on that, I will finally understand the gravity of what that means. Because I doubt Ronan trusts anybody. Even his best friend, Lachlan, who he’s known all his life is considered an enemy right now.
But not me. And I won’t ever take that trust for granted.
I thread my fingers through his and squeeze.
“I trust Amy,” I tell him. “And she’s trying to help you, Ronan. Okay? I won’t let her hurt you.”
He doesn’t reply, but he doesn’t need to. Everyone can see that he’s calmed and Amy seizes the opportunity to get the line set up. Ronan watches me the entire time. But once the line is in, his eyes drift shut. I lean down and kiss him on the forehead, and when I look up through tear soaked eyes, Lachlan is staring at me.
“You calmed him.” His voice is tinged with disbelief. “I’ve never seen anything like that before.”
“Oh,” I choke out.
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