by Vera Hollins
This was maybe the reason why I couldn’t find any friends, on top of being unpopular.
Kay was ever so nice. He helped my mom and me a lot, moving our furniture, whitewashing our rooms, fixing some electronics, and cleaning with me. We got to know each other little by little and discovered we both liked anime and manga, playing video games, and studying.
We moved into our new house by the end of July, and in the beginning of August, Kay invited me to his house for the first time. I was on edge because I’d never been in a boy’s room before, and the moment I entered, I felt like I’d stepped into a completely different world. I was excited and curious, trying to take in all the details.
I was blown away by two things. Firstly, I was surrounded by so many books, which were stacked on his shelf, nightstand, and desk. It completely debunked my belief that boys didn’t read at all. Secondly, his room was quite neat. I’d thought boys were messy beings who left their clothes all over the floor, didn’t make their bed, and couldn’t care less about the piles of dust on their furniture. Either he’d cleaned it thoroughly before I came, or he was a clean freak.
He had a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf that was filled with a lot of manga volumes, video game and anime CDs, and astronomy books. He loved astronomy, and he wanted to work at NASA one day, which was a praiseworthy goal. It was extremely hard to become a NASA employee, but Kayden’s strong will and determination made me feel like everything was possible.
An Xbox and a big flat screen TV stood in the corner next to his bed. We spent the time together in his room playing Alan Wake , and it was a memory I would keep stored in a special place forever, sprinkled with the moments of shared laughter and mutual understanding.
Kayden never made fun of me for being reserved. He never said anything about my blushing, my nervousness around him, or my social awkwardness. He gave me time and space to get the courage to tell him about my problems on my own. The more I spent time with him, the more I saw how amazing he was, so it only felt natural to get closer to him.
His brother was his complete opposite. It was clear they were like Yin and Yang. They shared the same appearance, but everything else was utterly different. Yet together they made a whole. No matter how much they fought over different things or didn’t get along, I could clearly see they loved each other. It was a kind of love I would never understand because only people who had been together in the womb could feel connected in that way.
Hayden was a mystery to me. He was difficult all right, but there was more to him than what he allowed everyone to see. He wasn’t an open book like Kay. He was similar to me because he chose to be reticent, paying close attention to the rest of the world, but sometimes he couldn’t control the intense, contradictory emotions brewing in him, lashing out on everyone around him.
He rarely spoke to me when I was in their house, but when he did, he threw insults at me. He liked rock music, just like me, and I actually enjoyed listening to Breaking Benjamin’s songs coming from his room. I was in his room only once because Kay insisted to show me his brother’s room while he was away.
I was surprised to see the black walls, which were an obvious contrast to Kayden’s room, with lyrics and poems taped to some parts. There were many CDs scattered on the floor, out of their cases, creating a messy path to the stereo system in the corner. There was a unique fragrance in the air that was all Hayden, and it stirred my insides.
His Mac on his desk was surrounded by numerous sticky notes containing some programming language. A tall tower of books occupied the space next to his bed, which was across from his small shelf that contained several football helmets, trophies, and framed photos of him on various football fields.
I was intrigued by his room. On one hand, it had something that made me feel like I could relate to Hayden—like I belonged there. We both had darkness inside of us. Both of us were so much more than what we showed to others. On the other hand, his room was in complete disorder. It was like a combination of so many different styles and tastes, put in one tiny box. His room displayed inconsistency, and it didn’t show who he was.
I tried getting him out of my head, repeating to myself that he was rude and cruel, but my attraction remained, stubbornly standing its ground in spite of my better judgment.
Kay and Hayden looked the same if I excluded a few details on their faces, like the mole above Kayden’s lips and a slightly different shape of their chins. Someone else might look past these differences and confuse them for the other, but I felt completely different with each of them that there was no way for me to fall prey to that mistake.
As much as I fantasized about Hayden, wishing I could get to know him more, Kayden didn’t attract me at all. He was comfortable to be with and easy to understand, and I hoped our friendship could last, but Kay was never able to reach that part of me that yearned to connect with someone on a much deeper level.
The only “wrong” thing about Kayden was that he was with one of the most awful girls I’d had the chance to meet. Natalie Shelley. She didn’t hide how much she disliked me, dissatisfied that Kayden was spending so much time with me. She treated me like the dirt beneath her shoes, which was why I went out of my way to give her a wide berth whenever I could.
I could see this bothered Kay since they frequently argued about the way Natalie treated me, and I didn’t like it one bit. I didn’t want to affect their relationship, so I didn’t talk about this issue with him, hoping that one day his feelings for her would change and he would see her for what she really was—mean, unstable, and sly.
THE SUMMER PASSED SWIFTLY , its days filled with a myriad of potent feelings I’d never felt before, and it was hands down the best summer I’d ever had. By the first day of high school, Kayden and I became such good friends that I still couldn’t believe how quickly and easily it happened. I would actually start my new school with one friend by my side.
Not everything was hunky-dory, though. My schedule contained an unpleasant surprise for me, since Kay and I shared only two classes together, while I had all my other classes with Hayden or Natalie. The irony of life at its finest.
I felt like a third wheel as I followed Kayden and Natalie to Natalie’s locker, nervous about starting high school. I was ready to go to my class on my own, but Kayden wanted to accompany me, which meant I had to tag along with Natalie and him.
“Are you nervous?” Kayden asked me when we stopped next to Natalie’s locker. Her face was blank as she placed her books inside, but I could see from a mile away that she wanted me to leave them alone.
“Definitely.”
“It’s going to be all right. Besides, you have your first class with Hayden, and it’s a good time for you two to start getting along.”
Natalie snorted, and I glanced at my notebook, uncomfortable talking about Hayden in front of her.
“How do you think that’s going to happen?” she asked him, sweeping her long, light brown hair over one shoulder. “You know he hates her.”
“He doesn’t hate her.” I couldn’t understand how he’d concluded that when it was obvious Hayden couldn’t stand the sight of me.
“I hate him,” I piped in.
“You don’t hate him, Sari.”
“Yeah? Think again.”
Natalie closed her locker door and wrapped her arms around Kayden, leaning her head against his shoulder. He kissed the top of her head and placed his hand on the small of her back with eyes full of affection as he gazed at her. I had to admit that they looked good together.
I never understood what Kay liked about her, other than her looks. Maybe it had to do with the fact that she always acted so sweet next to him and had eyes only for him. Then again, Kayden always saw the good in people, so it could be that he saw something in her too. He’d told me they met in seventh grade when he defended her from a girl who bullied her in the school yard, so I could understand her devotion to him.
“Seriously, Hayden and you are like a cat and a mouse,” Kay told me. “I think ther
e’s something more going on between you two, but you won’t admit it.”
For an unknown reason, my heart started beating too fast with excitement, flutters kicking up in my stomach. I wished I could hide my red face, more than aware of Natalie’s perceptive stare.
“Please, let’s not go there, okay?” I said, not wanting to talk about Hayden.
I’d never admitted to Kay that I liked his brother. I couldn’t. I knew this was really stupid of me. It was stupid to have a crush on the boy who did nothing but treat me like trash. I’d never done anything to him, yet he was always angry with me.
“Will you walk me to my first class, boo boo? Please, please, please?” Natalie asked him.
Kay groaned, clearly torn between his girlfriend and me as he glanced between the two of us. “I really want to, but Sari...”
“It’s okay. I can go to my class by myself.”
“See? She’ll be fine.” She gave him a sugary smile and planted a kiss on his lips. “Come on. Let’s go before we’re late.”
“How about we walk Sari to her class first, and then we go to yours?”
I noticed a glint of hurt in her eyes, which contrasted the smile plastered on her face. “I guess you’re right. We can do that.”
Oh no. Not a chance. I already felt unneeded enough. “Don’t worry about me. Go with Natalie,” I said and moved to leave. “See you later.”
“If you’re sure. See you.”
“Don’t get lost on your way to your class!” Natalie chirped in and pulled Kayden away, and I cringed.
Kay looked at me over his shoulder and winked at me. “Good luck with your first class.”
“You too.”
He glanced at me again. “Remember, text me if you need anything. Okay?”
I chuckled, touched that he was so caring. “Of course,” I replied and headed to my Algebra 1 classroom.
As I walked down the hallways, I noticed something different about this school—no one was turning in my direction or sneering at me, and it felt surreal, but mostly, it felt good. It felt good not knowing anyone and starting fresh. Besides, Kay was my friend now, so I wouldn’t be alone here.
Please, don’t let me be bullied again. I want to have a normal high school life. I don’t want to have enemies or any more humiliations. Please, let me be accepted here.
I took a deep breath. Some girls passed by and cast their friendly smiles at me. Yes, everything was going to be all right. With a renewed optimism, I stepped into my classroom.
And I ended up falling flat on my face.
A crunching sound filled the air, and an excruciating pain spread from my nose. Horror veiled me when some people began laughing.
I needed a few moments to understand what the hell was going on. I could swear someone had tripped me with their leg, but it happened so quickly that I couldn’t be sure... As I pushed myself to my knees, my mind still robbed of clarity, I sensed something wet on my lips. My eyes flickered to dark red blood on the floor, and I realized it was mine, coming right from my nose.
Oh God. I was bleeding!
Someone’s legs entered my field of vision, and I raised my head to see who this person was.
Hayden’s face was cold as he stared me down. There was no emotion in his eyes. Nothing. “You’re so stupid. You should pay attention to your surroundings when you’re walking.”
There was so much blood on me now, and the pain didn’t go away. It hurt terribly.
My legs felt numb, but I managed to stand up. “You tripped me!”
“As I said, you didn’t pay enough attention. It’s your fault for being such a moron.”
His words drew a new wave of laughter from some of our classmates, which sliced deep through me. They found this amusing. They didn’t care if I was hurt or not. They just stared and laughed at me, and I couldn’t prevent the tears from flowing, well aware that I was making an even bigger fool of myself. They wanted my tears, and I kept letting them have them.
Once again, I was humiliated. Once again, I was the one who got hurt and nobody, absolutely nobody cared. I just stood frozen in fear, like a deer on the road in front of an incoming vehicle, and I had no inkling of what to do.
This was the first class of my high school life and I was already bullied. I was already a victim. I hated this.
I looked at Hayden, upset because it was him who did this. How foolish was it of me to like this person? Was I a masochist or just plain stupid? My chest ached as I stared at him through my tears.
Why? Why do you do this to me?
“Wipe off those fucking tears. Seeing you crying makes me so disgusted,” Hayden said in a monotone voice. “Also, with all that blood and tears on your face you look really creepy.” He walked over to his desk. I was still unable to move.
“By the way,” he added, “You might want to go to the nurse. I think your nose is broken.”
Chapter 9
PRESENT
On Friday, I had lunch with Jessica in the school’s backyard, finally able to make some good memories in this school. It was a sunny, warm day, the sunrays creating a cheerful atmosphere for the best lunch break I’d had in years.
“We moved to Enfield because of my father. He owns a law firm, which has merged with Enfield’s hotshot firm recently,” Jessica told me and bit into her sandwich. I waited for her to swallow and continue. “I had a choice to stay with my uncle and aunt, but I was more than eager to come with my parents and transfer to a new school. I hoped I wouldn’t be bullied and could make some friends.”
It was as if I was listening to myself. Jessica and I were more similar than I’d thought.
“I hate being shy. Sure, my weight is my main problem, but if I knew how to speak to others...” She looked away from me, clearly embarrassed by her confession.
I was confounded that there was someone who was more introverted than me, although, there was a difference between shyness and social anxiety. I hadn’t been so withdrawn before. It came gradually, after so many disappointments and betrayals, starting with my own mother. Beside Kayden, I never had anyone who would appreciate me for who I was. I could’ve been myself only with Kay.
“I was bullied all the time too,” I said. “I’m from a poor single-parent family, which is one of the reasons the others made me their target. The more they tormented me, the more defensive I became, and soon I started thinking everyone was my enemy.”
“My mom told me not to pay attention to other kids and to be who I am.”
I smiled wistfully, wishing my mother could be like that. “You have a great mom.”
“Yeah. I love her so much.”
At least she isn’t completely alone. She has someone, unlike me.
I pushed those negative thoughts aside, not letting them spoil these precious moments with Jessica.
After my art club, I went to the Raymond retirement home, thrilled that this school week was finally over. Since I had to balance school and my part-time job, I was only able to work on Friday evenings and weekend mornings, and it was going to be my welcome refuge. I loved coming here because it was the place where I could relax around people and forget about my problems.
My job was to help the recreation assistant organize activities for elderly people, but most of the time I was here just to talk with them when they needed it.
I learned soon enough that many people in this place felt lonely. They felt like they had been pushed aside and forgotten by their families. Some of them had difficulty getting used to their new lives and living with strangers. They enjoyed talking with me, and I was happy to be able to bring them joy.
It had always been easier for me to talk to older people than to people my own age. I was never nervous around elderly people, which was one of the reasons I wanted to work here. As I developed social anxiety, I knew it would be extremely hard for me to work and interact with people, and the lack of options was demoralizing. As luck would have it, one day I found an ad for a suitable part-time job in the local newspaper,
and being desperate to finally start working, I applied without further ado.
“Hello, Mrs. Chakrabarti,” I greeted the old receptionist, who rested her head on her hand as she stared at the computer screen. She clicked her computer mouse absentmindedly, and I knew she played Solitaire.
“Hello, Sarah. How was your day in school?”
“Peachy.”
She grinned. “You like it that much, huh?”
“Let’s just say I don’t miss school at all.”
“When I was your age, I couldn’t stand to be in school. All I wanted was to be with the boy I loved...”
Once again, she began the same old story of how she’d met her husband in India, ran away with him to the U.S., got married, and gave birth to three kids. Mrs. Chakrabarti was a lovely lady, but she loved reminiscing about the same things over and over again, and it was tiring.
“I’m going to find Manny and see what the plans are for today,” I said.
Manny was the recreation assistant. He’d helped me settle into my first job, introducing me to the residents, and showing me the ropes.
“A new part-timer arrived.”
“Really?”
“Yes. She will assist Manny too. She is your age, but she is from Somers. She starts today.”
“Okay.” I hoped we would get along. I was the only part-timer who had assisted Manny so far.
“Oh, there is another thing. We got a new resident. Manny wants you to welcome him and make him relax a bit. You see, he seems a bit difficult and not so talkative.”
A frown etched on my face. I didn’t like the sound of this. People around here were always chatty and kind to me. I didn’t know how to act around a person who was “difficult” and “not talkative.” I was “difficult” and “not talkative,” so how was I supposed to make him relax?
I hoped she didn’t notice how tense I’d become. “All right. Which is his room?”
MELISSA BROOKS, THE new part-timer, was tall and slender, with enough curves in the right places to make heads turn her way. Her shoulder length raven hair surrounded her heart-shaped face and blue eyes with a shade of white that made them striking and unique. She wore punk clothes, and her voice was rather loud when she spoke.