by Vera Hollins
Really? Did I look like I was attracted to him whenever I stared at him? “Hayden Black hates me. He... He makes my life hell, and that’s not a secret in this school. It’s a long story, but in short, no, I don’t like him. I hate him.”
“Oh. I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.”
Ms. Dawson entered the classroom, which did nothing to silence everyone’s voices.
“Do you want to have lunch with me?” I asked, nervous for making the first move. She was new here, and she didn’t know my story, so it was a little easier for me to talk with her. She seemed like a nice girl, and for once I didn’t want to be unsociable. I needed a friend.
Kayden would be so happy with me for trying to make new friends.
Her radiant smile looked genuine, which eased my uneasiness. “I would love to. It’s just that...” Her smile faded a little, her cheeks reddening. “I brought my own lunch. I don’t want to go to the cafeteria after what happened yesterday...”
“That’s okay. I brought my own lunch, too. So we can go somewhere else.”
“That would be great!”
My classmates were becoming louder as the class progressed. There was no discipline in Ms. Dawson’s class. The students always chatted, texted each other, or laughed, but she never scolded them. She was one of those teachers who was very quiet and afraid of her students. Nobody respected her—least of all me, because her classes were the ones where I was bullied the most.
I took my pencil to write down what Ms. Dawson was scribbling on the blackboard when something hit the back of my head. I turned around and found a crumpled paper next to my chair. I already saw where this was going, so I ignored it and focused on taking notes.
Soon after, a new crumpled paper hit Jessica’s neck, and she picked it up from the floor. I tried to tell her not to bother reading it, but she already unfolded it. She read the words and yelped, growing pale. Her hands flew down to her bottom, checking if everything was all right, but there was nothing wrong.
I glanced behind to see who threw these papers at us. Nobody was even looking in my direction. It was like they were pretending nothing had happened.
“What does it say?” I asked her.
“It’s horrible.”
“Please, tell me. It can’t be worse than what I’ve received so far.”
She handed me the paper, and I read: “Your ass is so fat it tore your jeans apart. Those are ugly panties.”
I crushed the paper, furious because they bullied her too. “Please, don’t pay attention to them. Your jeans are fine.”
She could barely look at me. Her face was crimson red, and she tried to hide behind her hair. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. They’re just messing with us. Don’t read those notes; they’re just a prank. Ignore them.”
I told her to ignore them, but I couldn’t even ignore them myself as the papers continued hitting us. I heard people whispering about Jessica and me, and I hated not being able to have a normal class where I wouldn’t be harassed in any way. I spun around, ready to glare at whomever was throwing these paper balls at us, and one landed directly on my face.
The classroom broke out in laughter, and the boy next to Hayden high fived him.
“You should’ve seen her face. It’s too bad I couldn’t take a photo of that grimace,” a female classmate behind me told her friend.
Hayden’s gaze didn’t even waver when I scowled at him, and I felt ridiculous for trying to stare him down when it was clear he was the one who was in charge here. He never, ever got intimidated by me. To think I could put him in his place with just one glower was beyond absurd.
I spun around, but it was too late. He’d already seen me blushing, smirking in response.
Score one million for Hayden.
I WAS WAITING FOR JESSICA next to my locker, just like we’d agreed, but she still wasn’t here. I’d forgotten to take her number during English, so I couldn’t text her and see what was taking her so long.
Maybe she changed her mind. Maybe she regretted accepting my invitation.
A usual feeling of disappointment settled in the pit of my stomach, dousing what little hope I’d had. I tried not to let hurt permeate me.
It’s okay. It really is. If she didn’t want to be friends with me, that was her choice. I wouldn’t be disappointed. I won’t .
I took my lunch bag out of my locker, determined not to let it get to me, and headed outside. I stopped at the nearest restroom to take a pee first and went for the stalls, but then I froze when I heard someone sobbing in one of them.
It would be best if I left because this wasn’t my concern. I turned around, but this girl began crying so hard that it tore something inside of me. I couldn’t leave her like this, could I?
Oh, screw it! I knocked on the stall door. “Hey. Umm, are you okay?” I managed to ask the stupidest question possible . Of course, she isn’t okay, you moron. One point for my social awkwardness.
The girl stopped whining and sniffed several times. “Umm, yeah... Yeah, I’m okay.”
I recognized the voice, and worry pervaded me. “Jessica? It’s me, Sarah. Can you open the door, please?”
She didn’t react at first, and it seemed to me she was thinking whether she should open the door or not. I expected her to refuse. Eventually, though, she unlocked the door, and I slipped inside.
A pang hit my chest when I met her bloodshot eyes. Her face was swollen from crying, covered by a few damp strands of her blonde hair, while tears streamed down her flushed cheeks.
“What happened?”
“I’m sorry, Sarah. I know we agreed to have lunch together, but...” She shook her head, her gaze trained on the floor. “It was Blake. I was on my way to meet you, but he stopped me and snatched my lunch bag. He threw the contents in the trash can and told me I was too fat and didn’t need to eat since I had so much meat on me.”
“Bastard.”
She finally looked me in the eyes. “Why does he hate me so much? He doesn’t even know me!”
I wanted to take her by the hand or hug her in comfort, but my reticence didn’t allow me. I wasn’t used to physical contact or initiating it.
“That’s the way Blake is. He’s the same as Hayden, Masen, and Josh. When they don’t like someone, for whatever reason, they make them a target.”
“I hate this place.”
“I’m with you on that. Actually, I was bullied from my first day here.”
She parted her lips, her eyes widening. “Really?”
It wasn’t easy for me to speak about this so openly. I was too ashamed, and I still didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t accepted around here. I used to think that if I didn’t speak about it, it meant it wasn’t so serious. The moment I said out loud “I’m bullied by everyone” it would become more real , and I would have to accept the cruel reality.
Still, I wanted to help her and let her know she wasn’t alone in this. “Really. In fact, students started bullying me in elementary school.”
“The same happened to me. I was always overweight. I know I eat too much! I know I should lose weight, and I tried, but I—”
“Hey, it’s okay. I don’t mind how you look. If you like food, that’s okay.”
“But you’re so skinny! How do you manage to stay slim?”
I shrugged. “I don’t actually do anything. I was always like this. I did start running, but I started because I wanted to be healthy.”
She sniffed. “I could start running too.”
“Are you interested in running?”
She scrunched up her nose. “Nope. Not really.”
A giggle erupted from my lips. “Then you don’t have to run, but I won’t mind if you join me sometimes. That is, if you’re sure you want to give it a try.”
She smiled to me, and for the first time after a long time, I felt happy because I could talk like this with someone. It was good to know I wasn’t a complete loser or incapable of communicating with others.
“Thank you, Sa
rah. You’re so good to me and you don’t even know me.”
“Don’t mention it. You know, I would like us to know each other better. If you want to, of course.”
“Of course, I want to. You’re so nice, and you’re actually the only person here who helped me.” She fished her iPhone out of the front pocket of her jeans. “Let’s exchange numbers.”
I gave her my number and added hers to my extremely short list of contacts. She was actually the first friend contact I had now.
“I thought you ditched me,” I told her.
“I’m so sorry. I wanted to send you a message, but I didn’t have your number.”
“Yeah.”
“I hate Blake.”
“I know.”
“He is the worst.”
“Wait until you get to know Hayden, Josh, and Masen.”
“All the girls just swoon over them.”
“That’s because they only see their appearance. They see alluring, decorative paper wrapped around their rotten personalities.”
“That’s awful.”
I sighed, tucking a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. “Yeah, it is.”
I found it unbelievably easy to chit-chat with her, growing more relaxed with each passing second, and somehow, I didn't feel dejected anymore.
She wiped off the tears from her face. “What are we going to do now?”
Maybe it wasn’t too late for me to have a friend. Maybe Jessica could become my best friend one day. I had to hope for the best, in spite of everything.
“We’re going to stick together.”
Chapter 7
MY LAST PERIOD WAS computer science, and the feeling in my gut told me Hayden would be there because we shared almost every Tech Ed class until now. Unlike Kayden, who had been interested in video games but not technology itself, Hayden’s specialties were computers and programming. Being an amazing football player and a tech whiz were two of his several talents.
I hated programming, and I was terrible with computer languages, which was another thing Hayden liked to taunt me about. I entered the classroom, and it was like déjà vu. There were no free seats, just like yesterday in calculus.
Only one unoccupied seat remained and it was right next to Hayden.
Oh no.
I couldn’t believe I’d have to spend the whole term with Hayden sitting right next to me! This had to be a cruel joke.
He sat in a reclined position, gazing through the window with his hands clasped behind his head and elbows spread out. I just stood and observed his profile—his straight nose, a clear line of his defined jaw, his delectably-curved lips...
I looked away, aware I was staring. My cheeks warmed instantly, and I cursed myself for being so dumb. I despised him, and I didn’t need to ogle him, no matter how beautiful he looked.
I drew a long, shaky breath and moved to that empty seat, each step heavy. Knowing Hayden, I expected him to tell me I couldn’t sit there. He turned his head in my direction, finally noticing me, and his eyes narrowed instantly. I swallowed with difficulty, my palms already becoming sweaty.
No. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t sit next to him. I halted half-way, attracting everyone’s attention. As if on cue, the hushed whispers broke out all around me, and I hated being in the spotlight again.
“I’m so lucky today. A fly just got caught in a spider’s web,” Hayden said in a loud voice.
I swiveled, ready to leave, but then I heard his derisive words, “Where are you going, wuss? Do you want to skip class?”
His words struck a chord. If I ran away now, I would skip this class, and that wasn’t good. If I couldn’t handle being next to him today, what was I going to do during the rest of this term?
Oh God, I felt sick. I strode to the seat, my teeth clenched hard.
His face showed nothing but contempt. “You look like you’re going to puke.”
I ignored him and took the seat, only two feet separating us. My skin tingled all over, hypersensitive to his nearness. I was too aware of him sitting so close to me, too uncomfortable. I focused on turning my computer on, noticing his incessant staring from the corner of my eye. My blush was glued to my cheeks, not going away anytime soon.
“I’m going to enjoy this year as I press your buttons and see you squirm.” I flinched at his double entendre.
Ms. Clare walked into our classroom, saving me from thinking about the appropriate comeback or reaction. She started class with an explanation of the curriculum and announced she would assign us to work in pairs on a computer project. I tensed in terror because that meant I’d have to work with someone.
I dreaded projects I had to do in pairs. Since I had no friends, spending time with someone who didn’t want to be paired with me could be frustrating. Besides, it seemed that everyone in this classroom was friends with someone, so they would have no problem finding their partner for this assignment. I’d prefer to work alone, but I knew Ms. Clare wouldn’t allow it.
“Your pair is going to be the person sitting next to you. Since we have four students in each row, you know how it goes—AB AB,” Ms. Clare said.
I gaped at her, not believing this was happening to me. She couldn’t be pairing us according to the way we were sitting! She just couldn’t!
On my left, two classmates, who were seemingly best friends, high fived each other. I reluctantly met Hayden’s gaze.
“It seems destiny brought us together,” he mocked me.
He found this amusing, enjoying seeing me like this. He knew I didn’t want to be anywhere near him, so spending the next term working on a project with him was more than just a nightmare. It was absolutely impossible.
I debated with myself about whether I should object or not. I didn’t want to attract unnecessary attention, but I also didn’t want to work with Hayden.
In the end, the desire for freedom prevailed.
“Ms. Clare?” I raised my hand to catch her gaze.
“Yes, Sarah?”
“Can I change my partner?”
Everyone looked at me, eager to see what would happen next. Hayden snorted, but I maintained a neutral face, pretending I wasn’t perturbed by his gloating.
“Why would you like to change your partner, Sarah? Hayden is great at this subject, and his grades are always among the best.”
Yes, I was well aware of how good Hayden was. The funny thing was that he never studied. He was the type of person who needed to read something once to have it completely memorized. It took a genius to do that, and I always wondered if Hayden really was one.
That was another difference between Hayden and Kay. Kayden had been a good student too, but he’d always studied. He’d been passionate about broadening his knowledge and crazy about science, which I found admirable.
Hayden had great marks, but I never saw him studying. I asked Kayden about that once, and he told me Hayden was extremely smart. He was able to memorize incredibly fast and store a lot of information at the same time.
Unlike the rest of us mortals, Hayden didn’t spend much time preparing for exams. Instead, he chose to waste his time drinking, smoking with his friends, street racing, and hooking up with girls.
“I don’t get along with Hayden,” I told her, though I was sure she already knew our history. Even our teachers were well aware we were enemies.
“All the more reason for you to be together, Sarah. It will be an opportunity for you to try and solve your issues.”
Oh hell no. She couldn’t be trying to solve the bullying problem by putting the bully and the victim together!
That approach never solved anything. In fact, it made things worse. Were teachers even aware of how traumatic it could be for victims to have to spend so much time next to their tormentors? They just couldn’t be put together. It was like water and oil. They didn’t mix.
“Please, Ms. Clare. Isn’t there anyone else I can pair with?”
Her displeasure was evident on her middle-aged face. “As you can see, Sarah, everyone has
their partner. You can’t get a new partner.”
“Can I work alone then?” I was clutching at straws now.
A couple of students snickered, and I could already imagine the gossip they would probably spread about me by tomorrow.
Ms. Clare’s frown was a clear-enough message. She wouldn’t let me work alone. “Sarah, you need a partner for this computer project. You will have to work with Hayden. If not”—she cast me a glare, which brought a prominent blush to my face—“Both Hayden and you will fail this class. It’s up to you.”
She stood up and collected some papers from her desk, abandoning the topic. Hayden’s eyes dared me to give up. It was like he didn’t care whether he would fail or not. I couldn’t fail. If I failed, I might never have any chance of getting into Yale.
“The themes of your projects and the guidelines are on the papers I’m going to give you now. Your projects must be done until the end of this semester. I want you to think carefully about your themes and send me the outline of your project by the end of September.”
No. The deadline for the outline was too soon. How in the world would I manage to get along with Hayden long enough to deliver that outline in time? He wouldn’t cooperate, that was for sure.
She handed the papers to Hayden and me, and I read the words at the top of the page: “Theme: Building a Website (of your choice).”
“Please, don’t make this difficult for me,” I whispered to him. I despised imploring him, but what else could I do?
He leaned to me and brushed my hair aside, bringing his lips to my ear. I involuntarily shivered when they made a contact with my sensitive skin. “Actually, I plan to make this extremely difficult for you. I’ll hurt you, and I’m going to enjoy every second of it.”
Chapter 8
THREE YEARS AGO
Kayden kept coming to my house, and I had to hand it to him for being persistent and willing to help despite my reticence. After many years of bullying, I simply didn’t know how to be sociable. If I showed my feelings, it felt unnatural. It made me feel naked, and I couldn’t fend off shame or fear. So it was completely out of the question to truly open my heart to someone.