by Vera Hollins
Melissa thought we looked cute playing chess together like we’d known each other for a long time.
“Besides, who plays chess these days? Playing it with a cute guy is so romantic!” Melissa remarked.
I didn’t care. I actually hoped I wouldn’t see him again. His gaze lingered on me too much for my taste, and every time he smiled at me I felt strange. My defense mechanism insisted that all beautiful people had some big flaws. Kayden was the only exception.
I reached my home around noon and breathed out a sigh of relief because mom’s car was still in the driveway. I saw Hayden’s mother, Carmen, moving some boxes that were too big to be carried by one person out of her house and to the porch. She looked dog-tired. I didn’t see Hayden’s bike anywhere, which meant he wasn’t there.
No, I shouldn’t go there. That house was a forbidden territory for me.
I headed to my porch and stopped, cursing myself. Damn it. She was fit to drop. Who knew for how long she’d been dragging those things around?
Maybe I could help her lickety-split before Hayden came back. Yes, I could do that.
“Hello, Mrs. Black!”
A radiant smile erased her previous frown. “Hi, Sarah! It’s so good to see you! How are you today?”
“I’m good. I just came back from my job.”
“That’s great! I hope everything is well in school.”
Everything is peachy, except your son and the rest of the school making my life a living hell.
“School is good. Anyhow, Mrs. Black, I saw you carrying those boxes, but they seem pretty heavy. Do you need my help? I’d be glad to lend you a hand.”
She wiped the sweat off her forehead with her forearm. “Thank you for offering your help. Actually, I’ll take you up on it because Hayden isn’t here. I told him I’d be arranging the whole house today, but he went to his football practice and then to who knows where. I don’t think he’ll be back anytime soon.”
She shook her head and sighed, her eyes glimmering with concern. “I don’t know what to do with that boy anymore. Anyway, you know how busy it can be at the hospital, so I couldn’t find any free time for rearranging during the whole summer. I’d really appreciate if you could help me with some things and furniture.”
“Sure. What do you need me to do?”
“You can go to my office. There are some books that need to be packed in boxes. I set them aside already, so all you have to do is pack them.”
“I’m on it.”
I JOINED MRS. BLACK in the living room and helped her out with the furniture. We spent the next hour moving her couch, armchairs, and coffee tables around, until she was satisfied with the order. Their living room was huge—twice the size of mine—luxuriously furnished, and bright, thanks to the spacious windows that provided a lot of light. It was almost two o’clock when she decided to wrap it up and invited me to her kitchen for snacks.
“I’m sorry, but I have to go home—”
“Oh please, you helped me a lot. At least take some cookies.” She looked so sweet that I couldn’t say no to her.
She and Hayden didn’t look similar at all. Carmen was short and round because of the extra weight she’d put on over the years. She had an attractive oval face and beautiful turquoise eyes, but her tiredness clouded her pretty features most of the time since she worked a lot as a hospital doctor. Her honey colored hair was always placed in a bun, her face makeup-free.
I assumed Hayden and Kayden looked more like their father, but I couldn’t say for sure since I’d never seen his picture. Kay had told me their father committed suicide when they were five, but the topic was too sensitive to ask Kayden more about.
Hayden certainly didn’t have his mother’s personality, because Carmen was kind, compassionate, and patient. Kayden had taken after her. Hayden was the complete opposite. He was like a ticking bomb ready to explode any second. He was gloomy, and his mood was volatile and unpredictable.
I sat at their kitchen table, feeling odd to be here after so much time. The last time I was in their house was on the day of Kay’s funeral. That day marked the start of the worst period of my life.
I lost my best friend, and I lost myself. It seemed impossible to pull out of the depths of darkness, despair, guilt, rage, and hate. Everything was gray. No color. No sound. No taste. No love. No happiness. No reason for me to live.
I just breathed again and again, and each breath was more painful than the last. I desperately wanted to go back and change even a tiny fragment of that day... Of course, I couldn’t. I was just one small, pitiful human being, unworthy of living.
Soon after Kayden’s death, I touched bottom and started thinking about something that was seriously messing with my mind. How about ending it all? How about giving up, giving them what they wanted all this time—my death? These thoughts twirled incessantly, but luckily, I managed to break free from that dark circle.
The following months were painted black. The world continued moving, but I was still there, still in that same hour, still next to Kayden. And at the same time, I wasn’t. I was running away from Hayden, Natalie, and their friends, desperate to save myself from their hatred and vengeance.
I’d thought I was dead inside when Kayden died. I’d been wrong. There was still a tiny living piece of me, breathing greedily, desperately wanting to live, but it was crushed day after day by my bullies.
In those days I lost my best friend, and I gained lifelong enemies. Nothing was the same after that.
“I’ve been thinking you haven’t visited for so long. I remember how often Kayden and you were spending time in his room. You were usually playing games or watching Japanese animation. You were such good friends,” she said with melancholy in her voice. “I hoped you would come sometimes—”
“I wanted to speak with you, Mrs. Black, I really did.” I played with my cookie, unable to look at her. “You know, Hayden and I were never friends, but after Kayden died... It became worse. He became worse.”
Her downcast eyes filled with sorrow. “Hayden was always a complex child. As much as I am ashamed to admit, I have to say I wasn’t a good mother to him. He needed me more than Kayden, yet my attention was riveted on Kayden.”
Worry embedded deeper into her worn out face, and I felt so ill at ease for having to witness her private moment. It was obviously something that troubled her a lot, and it surprised me that she was willing to share this with me. I didn’t think I had the right to pry into her life this way.
“I guess it was easier for me to focus on Kayden, who was such a good child. He was obedient, never made any trouble, and his grades were always perfect. He had dreams and high ambitions. But Hayden... He was different from the beginning.” Her gaze wandered into the distance, the glazed look in her eyes indicating she was recollecting something from the far past.
“Hayden is brilliant. He is highly intelligent—much more than Kayden—but he is extremely sensitive. Ever since he was a child, he’s wanted some answers I couldn’t give to him. I never could.”
“What kind of answers?”
Her eyes met mine, her face displaying defeat, and my stomach sank. “He wanted to know his true identity. He wanted to know who he was.”
I frowned, tongue-tied. I didn’t understand why Hayden would ask his mother this.
“I’m so sorry for telling you this all of a sudden. Maybe I’m bothering you. It’s just that I don’t have anyone I can talk with about this, and Hayden and I are more distanced from each other than ever. I want to tell him all of this, but I... I don’t know how.”
“Why don’t you just try? Even if you fail, at least you tried.”
“I tried so many times! So, so many times, but it ends in disaster every time.”
I remembered all those times I could hear shouting and crashing coming from their house. It was Hayden and his fits of anger, and it was horrible and brutish. I witnessed it once. Carmen wanted Hayden to sit with Kay, me, and her for dinner. He refused, and after she scolded him, h
e became so mad that I felt sick watching his ferocious outburst.
He was throwing kitchen utensils around, screaming at us, and calling us names. Kayden rushed to stop him and got injured when Hayden threw him against a wall. It was horrible. Kayden never talked to me about Hayden’s dark side, and whenever I asked him about it, he just justified his brother’s behavior somehow and changed the topic.
“I know how terrible he may be, but even if he doesn’t show that, I think he needs you,” I said. “Every child needs their mother. If you truly try and give your best to improve your relationship with Hayden, I’m sure that little by little you’ll reach him.”
I wasn’t certain why I was telling her all of this, because, after all, their relationship wasn’t my problem. Hayden was my enemy, so whether he could get along with his mother or not didn’t concern me.
Then again, I understood what it was like not to have a mother when you needed her. I understood what it was like to have the need to tell her something—about life, dreams, fears—but you couldn’t because the gap was too big, and you couldn’t grow wings and cross it.
“Thank you, Sarah. You—” Her phone rang, and she picked it up from the table, frowning at the screen when she saw the caller ID. “Sorry, I have to answer this. Hello, Jack. What’s going on?”
She listened intently to him, her frown getting deeper. “Jesus, can’t they do anything without me for one day? Wait, I’ll search for those documents in my office...” She looked at me. “Will you just wait, Sarah? They called me from work, so this might take a while...”
She got up, not even waiting for my answer. “Please, make yourself at home.”
I wanted to tell her it was time for me to leave, but she was already gone, and I wasn’t sure what to do. It wouldn’t be okay to leave without saying goodbye to her. Maybe I could wait for her to finish her call. Maybe it wouldn’t really take long.
I sat in silence for several minutes, relieved that Hayden still didn’t arrive. I stayed here longer than I intended, and I wasn’t ready to see him if my short-lived luck decided to turn its back on me now. I was never ready to see him.
Quite unexpectedly, a strange thought constructed a path into my mind, nearly stealing my breath.
I could quickly go upstairs and see Kay’s room.
The pain came to life in my chest. No. I couldn’t do that.
But then... I miss him.
I missed Kayden so much. There was nothing left of him anymore. In a moment of great anguish, I destroyed all the things he’d bought me as presents, which were mercilessly reminding me of him, and I deleted all photos, because I couldn’t stand seeing his happy face. It was silently accusing me of killing him.
I could never get over blaming myself for his death. Maybe I didn’t pull the trigger, but I brought the gun, and he died because I was so careless.
Now I needed anything that was his, just to remind myself that he’d been real. I needed to remember the happy times we’d spent together.
The more I thought about this crazy idea, the more I wanted to do it. I needed to go and see if his room was the same as it had been when he was alive.
I walked out of the kitchen, Carmen’s distant voice reaching me from her office. I glanced at their front yard to check if Hayden arrived before I raced up their stairs.
Kayden’s room was the second room on the right, directly across Hayden’s. I took a deep breath as I studied Kay’s door, assuring myself I would just take a quick peek.
I turned the knob and pushed his door open, thankful that they weren’t keeping it locked. As I stepped inside his neat, bright room, Kay’s lavender-vanilla scent hit my nostrils, and pain infused my chest. His smell was still present in here.
I looked around and noticed that everything was exactly the same. His bed was made, every single volume of his mangas occupied the bookshelf, and the video game CDs stood on a cube box shelf next to his Xbox. Even his controllers were there, left in the same place on the floor where he’d always kept them. It seemed like the room was regularly cleaned since there was no dust on the furniture.
Kay’s telescope, which he’d bought several months before he died, stood next to his window, directed toward the sky. I clearly remembered his excitement when he showed it to me for the first time. He wanted me to look through it again and again, excited like a small child.
He kept talking about constellations, and I wasn’t actually paying attention to his words because the topic was a bit boring for me at that time... Now I wanted nothing more than to hear him talk about the stars and see his eyes shine with joy.
I stopped next to his telescope, looking through the window. The sky was clear, at contrast to the bleakness in me that confined me. What would Kay do at this moment if he were alive? He would probably put his shoulder to the wheel to complete his aerospace college applications. He would participate in many projects and seminars. He would have everything prepared in advance and he...
Tears appeared in my eyes, and I couldn’t breathe. I wiped them off, but they kept coming. I knew this was neither the time nor the place to cry, but this room made me feel broken.
Coming to Kay’s room was a mistake, after all.
It made everything worse. It was painful to look around his room and see that everything was the same, but Kayden would never appear in that doorway. No.
This was definitely a mistake.
This room suffocated me with its emptiness, and I needed to get out... I swiveled, ready to bolt, and stopped dead in my tracks.
Hayden stood at the threshold. He stared at me with murder in his eyes, looking like the devil himself.
Chapter 11
NO.
My eyes glued to his in fear. They were two pits of rage as he glared at me, his body shuddering. I stepped backward, and he immediately followed.
“What are you fucking doing here?!”
I flinched, hunching my shoulders. “I-I-I was—”
“WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING DOING HERE, BITCH?!” He pounced on me and pushed me into a wall.
“Why did you come here?” he spat out as he shook me by the shoulders. I was scared to utter a word because even a small mistake could set him off and he would hurt me.
His face was too close, so I had no other choice but to look him in the eyes. He reeked of alcohol and cigarettes, and I was appalled that he was completely drunk in the middle of the day.
“ANSWER ME!”
The blood pounded in my ears. I was so stupid for even setting foot in Hayden’s house.
“I was... I was helping your mother... She needed help, so I came to your house—”
He grabbed my arm and yanked me, almost causing me to trip. Without stopping, he threw me out of the room, and I fell on my hands and knees. He loomed over me, but instead of hitting me like I feared, he pulled me up by the collar of my shirt and pressed me against the wall, fuming with rage.
“Did you already forget the last time we were here? Did you forget I told you never to come to this house again?”
How could I forget? On that day I finally realized Hayden was a monster with no compassion.
“You made a big mistake, bitch.” Hayden squeezed my neck, cutting off my air supply. “Trash like you has no right to enter Kayden’s room.”
I couldn’t believe this was happening! I couldn’t breathe... It hurt. I put my hands against his shoulders, trying to push him away, but I couldn’t... All I saw was his face that was distorted in fury.
A sinister voice came from the recesses of my dark, odious mind, telling me I deserved this. I caused the accident, and Kayden died because of me, so this was justice...
“Hayden! Stop!” Mrs. Black screamed at him, stopping a few feet away.
Hayden didn’t release me yet, his eyes clouded by ferocious darkness I didn’t recognize or understand, and it was beyond terrifying. It was like he wasn’t even seeing me, lost somewhere far away...
“Please, Hayden!” she pleaded in tears, just as I hoped for blackness
to finally consume me, so I wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore. “Stop this madness! You are going to kill her!”
At this, his eyes flashed with horror and regret, and his darkness vanished. He released me with a whimper, staggering aside. My knees gave out, and I slid down the wall, coughing, but Carmen took a hold of my shoulders before I landed on the floor and supported me.
He just stood there as his shaking intensified, and I could see the distress on his face—like he couldn’t believe what he was about to do. He looked at his open hands, his eyes widening, and he let out another whimper. I wondered if he really felt guilty or if that was just an act.
“Hayden, this has gone too far,” Carmen said in a quivering voice.
Did his eyes become teary just now?
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his hands curled into fists. “I don’t want to see her here again. Do you understand, mother?” His voice wavered, becoming hoarse. He still kept his eyes firmly closed.
I felt exhausted.
He tried to kill me. Feeling guilty or not, it didn’t matter.
So much hate.
So much brutality.
No, I was sure he didn’t care if I were dead.
He. Doesn’t. Care.
Without even looking at me, he spun around and left the hallway.
I STARED AT THE CHESS board, in the middle of the game with Jonathan, but I wasn’t actually seeing anything. My mind had ventured back to the moment in Hayden’s house when his darkness engulfed me and threatened to destroy me.
I couldn’t come to terms that he choked me yesterday. Did he plan to go through it until the end?
You saw it yourself, Sarah. That is why it scared you so much. There was something twisted in his eyes that was bordering on unhinged, and I couldn’t find any explanation for that...
I felt so empty and alone...
“Checkmate,” Jonathan exclaimed, pulling me away from my gloomy thoughts. His rook and bishop were blocking my king, showing me that every single move I’d made was completely wrong. He defeated me too easily.