by Vera Hollins
“You’re good,” I said, offering him a slight smile, and touched the scarf I used to hide the bruises on my neck to see if it was in place.
“And you are completely unfocused. What is happening inside your head?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me, girl. At least be honest with this old man and say you don’t want to talk about it.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“There you go. Was that so difficult to say? People should stop beating around the bush and speak directly. If you want to say no, say it.”
“I find it very hard to say no.”
“I can see that. Damn it, I need a cigarette.” He slumped back in his wheelchair.
“You know you can’t do that here,” I warned him.
“Yes, yes, I know. Don’t worry. I still didn’t fall into temptation to buy a package.”
“Smoking is completely unhealthy. It’s good that you don’t smoke. So many people die from lung ca—”
“Cancer,” he interrupted me, quirking his brow. “Yes, I know. Smoking is killing us, blah, blah, blah. Everything can kill us, girl. You go outside and the next moment a car hits you. You are dead on spot.”
I winced, remembering the night I kept trying to blank out. If Jonathan only knew how true his words were. Too true.
“How was your weekend so far? Is there any activity here that interests you?” I asked him, trying to change the subject.
“If you’re asking me if I mingled with those coffin dodgers, no, I didn’t. I can’t stand them talking about their diseases and families. They are beyond stupid and boring.”
I wanted to roll my eyes, but it wouldn’t be polite of me to do that. He caught my sour expression and glared at me. “Come on. Say it.”
“Say what?”
“I can clearly see you disapprove of my words. So if you disagree with me, say so.”
Oh, he was really a difficult person!
I was about to answer him when Mateo showed up on the patio, and my heart contracted painfully in response, anxiety overtaking me. I didn’t want to see him again and definitely not so soon. He was here only yesterday. Did he miss his grandfather that much that he wanted to visit him every day?
“Hello, grandpa.” He slid his gaze from Jonathan to me. “Hi, Sarah.” He flashed me a radiant smile, which was a little bit too dazzling for my taste.
One of the consequences of the years-long bullying was that I believed people had some hidden intentions behind their actions. I had extreme trust issues. If someone offered me help, they did that because they wanted to manipulate me and use me later. If they said my shirt was pretty, they were lying. If they offered me a smile, they were actually laughing at me, probably thinking I was an idiot or ugly. And so on. I dissected each of their actions and made negative conclusions. Bullying made me see enemies all around me. It made me become bitter and cynical. It made me doubt the sincerity of Mateo’s smile.
“Hello,” I replied, managing to curl my lips up.
“What are you doing here? Suddenly, you love your grandpa this much?” Jonathan asked him.
Mateo chuckled. “What? Can’t I come to see you if I miss you?”
“I’m not sure if you miss me or someone else.”
I looked between the two of them and decided it would be best to leave them alone. I got up.
“Where are you going?” Mateo asked me.
“This is your family moment, so I’ll give you some privacy.” Jonathan cracked up, and I glanced at him with raised eyebrows. “What?”
“I think that won’t be necessary. How about we play another game, Sarah? Mateo can watch.” He winked at him. This situation caused me huge discomfort, and I wished I was braver, so I could say “no” and give them the slip.
“Okay,” I agreed with no small amount of reluctance.
Melissa joined us two games later, and I was more than happy to see her because I wouldn’t have to be alone with Jonathan and Mateo anymore.
The time spent with the two of them felt like years, not minutes. Jonathan went on making cryptic jokes and laughing, while Mateo stared at me too often, asking me about my interests and hobbies. They made me blush every few seconds, and I couldn’t hide beneath my hair or pretend I was cool.
“Hi, Mateo! What brings you here today?” Melissa chirped, sitting on the chair next to me.
“I missed my dear grandpa.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m surprised you’re such a good grandson. Aren’t you supposed to be somewhere smoking and chasing girls?”
“Hey, don’t compare me to your brother. Not all of us are douchebags.”
“Touché. My brother is really one of a kind.”
“Why?” I asked her. She’d mentioned he was a bit of a rebel, but weren’t all teenagers a kind of rebels?
She sighed dramatically. “He’s rarely home. He usually spends his time with some shady people, smoking and doing drugs.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. I suspect he’s in some kind of gang, but that topic is forbidden in our house. My mom loves Steven very much, and even if we tell her he’s the biggest junkie, she wouldn’t have it.”
“Your mother isn’t doing your brother any favors,” Jonathan remarked.
“I know. My folks argue about that all the time. She spoiled him too much. Actually, my dad and Steven aren’t talking at the moment. Occasionally, they have that phase when they stop talking with each other because dad thinks he’s ruining his life and Steven won’t listen to him. Also, my brother isn’t interested in college, which makes things worse.” Her voice trailed off, and for the first time I noticed a trace of dejection in her.
“He should be careful of those guys he’s hanging with,” Mateo told her. “I heard some of them are from your school, Sarah.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. They and some other guys from Somers are in some group. Maybe it’s really a gang, I don’t know.”
“What do they do?”
“According to some rumors: illegal fights, steal, street race...” He shrugged. “Nothing good, anyway.”
“Do you know their names?” I asked him.
“No. I don’t hang around them, so I have no idea.”
“I tried knocking some sense into Steven, but it’s pointless.” She shook her head, and we fell into silence.
“How about you give me your number, Sarah?” Mateo asked me straight out. What?
I was sure my confusion showed on my face, since he brought his hands up in the air in a defensive manner. “Hey, I don’t mean anything bad. If you want to text me, or I can text you...” He scratched the back of his neck.
I watched in disbelief as he transformed from a confident guy into an embarrassed boy. Was he actually embarrassed because of me? Was he embarrassed because he asked me for my number and didn’t know if I was going to reject him or not?
“Really smooth,” Melissa muttered under her breath. “Asking for her number in front of his grandfather.”
He was still waiting for my answer, but with each second I remained silent, he looked more disheartened. Ugh. I didn’t want to give him my number, but how could I refuse him now? He actually looked cute with those puppy eyes he made. Was there really any harm in giving him my number?
“Okay,” I replied. “I’ll give you my number.” I really hoped I wouldn’t regret this.
He gave me his phone to type my number, and as soon as I did, he called me. My phone rang in my pocket. “Now you have my number too.”
I took out my LG and froze when the crack on my screen reminded me of the way Hayden went through my phone on Tuesday. He’d warned me not to keep any male contacts.
It was better if I didn’t save Mateo’s number under his real name. After some thinking, I decided to save it as “Maria’s Hair Salon.” Hopefully, Hayden wouldn’t doubt that. It was only natural for girls to go to salons.
“Hey, you and I didn’t exchange numbers, right?” Melissa asked and loo
ked at me expectantly, her phone already in her hand. Really? First Mateo and now Melissa too? What did I do to deserve this honor?
“Thanks,” she said with a huge grin after we exchanged our numbers. “Be prepared to be pestered with my messages.” She sounded vicious, and I almost grunted.
Once more, I strongly hoped I wouldn’t regret this.
IT WAS LATE IN THE evening when Mateo’s first message arrived, which created a mess out of my heartbeat. My thumb hovered over my screen as I battled with my nervousness. Finally gathering the courage, I opened his text.
“Hi, are you sleeping? I’m with my friends, and we’re drinking... Yeah. I just want to say you’re cute when you blush. See you next weekend.”
Chapter 12
EVERYONE HATED MONDAY , right?
There was nothing good about Monday. It marked the start of a new cycle of never-ending suffering in Hellhole, making the weekend seem eons away. Thanks to our A/B block scheduling, I was spared from attending the same classes as Hayden today, but that also meant I got to see Christine and Natalie in calculus first thing in the morning. That in itself was a good enough promise of another disastrous day.
I was about to enter the school when someone called me. I looked over my shoulder and saw Jessica rushing toward me, her smile illuminating her whole face. She seemed genuinely glad to see me.
I smiled back at her. “Hi.”
“Hi to you too. I almost overslept, so I thought I was going to be late.” She wiped a few beads of sweat off her forehead and fixed her loose gray shirt. “Phew!”
“How was your weekend?” she asked when we entered the overcrowded hallway.
It was rather out of the ordinary, taking the horrible episode with Hayden into account. “Eventful. How about yours?”
“Pretty boring, like usual. I stayed home and enjoyed lunch with my family. Actually, my parents make a big deal out of Sunday lunch. Since they work hard and we don’t get to eat together during the week, Sunday lunch is rather special. We all gather, eat a lot of food, and maybe watch some family comedies.”
I smiled at her, feeling envious. “That’s awesome. I’d like to have something like that.”
“Don’t you have Sunday lunches with your mother?”
I thought about the sullen Saturday lunch we spent together. I was perturbed after I came back from Hayden’s house, so I didn’t even have an appetite, yet I sat there just so I could spend some time with her, wearing a turtleneck shirt to hide the bruises on my neck. There was so much I could’ve said to her, but I didn’t want to. Not when she was already hugging her bottle of vodka. Not when we didn’t have common topics. Not when I was reliving the moment of Hayden’s hands on my neck over and over again...
We spent Sunday lunch in similar fashion. She complained about her work as the increasing amount of alcohol in her system made her snappier, and there was no chance we could converse normally. I just scarfed down the food and rushed back to my room to work on my art college applications and the new art video I planned to upload on YouTube.
I tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “Occasionally, yes, but most of the times it isn’t anything special or fun,” I replied to Jessica.
We rounded the corner, and I spotted Hayden talking to a guy next to him in the distance. My pulse kicked up when his gaze locked with mine almost an instant later. He was impassive, and it astounded me to see there was nothing in his eyes—no rage, no coldness, no emotion. Nothing. This scared me more than seeing him mad at me.
Jessica was talking about something, her eyes set on the floor, but I tuned her out as we came nearer to Hayden, too aware of his nearness. Each inch of me was attacked with apprehension as I waited for him to do something, however, seconds ticked by without him doing a number on me. Not even a word.
I exhaled a long sigh when we moved past him and his friend and went around the next corner, arriving at Jessica’s locker.
She yawned and opened her locker. “I can never get used to getting up so early for school. I’m so sleepy.”
My pulse was still quick and erratic. I dared not look if Hayden followed us. “Me too. I didn’t sleep much last night.”
“Tell me about it.”
“I better go so I won’t be late for class.”
“Sure. See you at lunch?”
I didn’t get to answer her, because I heard Hayden’s voice a short distance away, and my throat closed up. I could practically feel him watching me. I glanced in his direction and found his unrelenting stare directed at Jessica and me as he passed by with his friend. It was unnerving. I held my breath, expecting the attack, but it never came, and I didn’t know what to make of it.
The frown lines appeared around Jessica’s mouth. “Are you okay?” she asked me, staring at Hayden as he walked away from us.
“Yeah. As good as I can be when I’m near him, I guess. See you at lunch.” I half-smiled at her and scurried in another direction, increasing the much-needed distance between Hayden and me.
JESSICA AND I ENTERED the lunchroom discussing what to eat. She settled for spaghetti, while I decided to eat vegetables.
“How can greens keep you full? I get hungry right after I eat them!”
I chuckled, shrugging. “I don’t know. They’re enough for me.”
“Well, if I don’t eat one big slice of pizza I won’t be—” She stopped abruptly, looking in front of her, her eyes growing large in fear.
I followed her stare and saw Hayden and Blake blocking the line. What now? I was stunned into stillness as Hayden strode toward me, awaiting my doom.
“Get away from her,” he sneered at me, jerking his thumb over his shoulder.
“What? No!”
“You’re not allowed to have friends. I see you two became too cozy and already inseparable. I won’t let you have it.”
“Why, Hayden? Why do you butt into my life? I have the right to have friends and—”
He grabbed me by my shoulders, and I recoiled, gasping. His pine tree scent was mixed with the smell of cigarettes and alcohol once again, but he wasn’t drunk. Yet. Either way, drinking so early on a school day wasn’t normal at all.
“Didn’t we already have this conversation? You forgot what I told you then. Y ou have no freedom. You’ll stop being friends with Jessica, and only then you’ll be able to eat here in peace.”
I frowned when I looked at Jessica’s ashen face. She didn’t take her eyes off of Blake, who was now standing right in front of her with his arms folded across his chest. He looked like he got bent out of shape, his corded muscles shaking with accumulated tension. It was a disaster waiting to happen.
I moved my gaze back to Hayden, seeing red. When does it end?
He made my life miserable. I was so small—smaller than a pea—not able to speak for myself or defend myself when needed. I always ran away, and the more I ran, the less I could escape. I became a coward, trying to hide behind the shell I’d built for myself over the years so people wouldn’t hurt me, but they did. Oh, they hurt me so much.
Hayden was above them all. He scared me so much that I couldn’t get away from him even in my dreams. I dreamed of him embarrassing me, hurting me, destroying me. I would wake up disoriented, glad that it was just a dream, only to realize it wasn’t. I would get up, dress, and go to school where the nightmare was going to happen.
I can’t live freely.
He was taking everything away from me.
There were so many reasons to hate him, so many reasons to finally snap, despite being terrified of him. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Blake grab Jessica by her upper arm to keep her in place and murmur something in her ear.
“You’re sick,” I hissed at Hayden.
His nostrils flared. “What did you say?”
“You’re sick and twisted.”
Something flared in his eyes, and he wasn’t composed anymore, his blank face becoming a mask of fury. I was shocked at how fast his emotions changed, like from zero to hundred, as i
f someone had pressed his button. I stood frozen in fear, unable to do anything but wait for a disaster to happen.
Was he going to finish what he started on Saturday? Would he strangle me in front of all these people?
No, he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t be that deranged. He couldn’t hurt me when all these people were watching us. There were many witnesses, so this was my chance to voice my thoughts.
I’d just met Jessica, and however unbelievable it felt, we were getting to know each other better every day. I didn’t want to lose this chance. This might be my last chance to have a friend.
“And no. I won’t stop being friends with Jessica. I’m fed up with you controlling my life. As I told you two months ago, I’m not your puppet. Screw you!” My heart beat too fast, blood pumping in my ears, but it felt good. It felt liberating.
I returned his gaze, feeling like I’d entered a completely different reality because we stared each other down and I didn’t back out. His eyes ate me alive as he sized me up, his heated gaze creating a strange, tingling sensation inside of me, and I couldn’t breathe.
I felt an unusual pull toward him, which was difficult to resist. There was no one else here but us. The time stopped. He was too close now...
What the hell is going on?
This isn’t good.
I have to get out of here.
I finally snapped out of the enchantment, coming back to reality.
I was seriously dead now. I had to run away.
Still on my adrenaline wave, I gripped Jessica’s hand and pulled her to the exit. We left the lunchroom, running like our life depended on it, looking over our shoulders to make sure no one was after us. I could almost feel Hayden dashing after us and catching me, my back and neck tingling in dreadful anticipation. He would grab me from behind any moment and make me pay for disobeying him...
Only, he didn’t. Nobody chased after us as we ran through the deserted halls, trying to get far away from the cafeteria.
We stopped only when we reached the library, which was mostly empty, to my relief. I led Jessica to one of the tables in the far corner, and we sat down across each other. I jolted when I caught sight of her face at last. It was wet from tears, her eyes closed firmly.