by Vera Hollins
“Jessica...” I paused with my hand in midair, wanting to touch hers, but I felt insecure. If I touched her, would I invade her personal space? Did she need my comfort? What if she recoiled and scooted away?
Stop it, Sarah. You’re fretting over nothing. Just do what you think is right.
And I did it. I held her hand, and when I realized she wouldn’t get upset, I hugged her because I could see this was what she needed. She needed someone to hold her and calm her down. It was weird hugging her like this, but it was also nice. I could finally be there for someone—I could finally be strong for somebody else—and that did make me feel stronger.
“I’m sorry for being such a mess.” She sniffed.
“Don’t worry. You’re not a mess. Actually, I would rather cry myself, but I’m still in shock.”
Her jaw dropped. “You’re crazy! How on earth did you disobey him? You were so brave back there!”
My cheeks warmed half from embarrassment, half from pride. It felt great to stand up for myself, even if it meant I was dead the next time my bully caught me.
“I wasn’t brave, and I’m still terrified. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”
She squeezed my hands in support. “For what it’s worth, I think you were amazing.”
My grin was huge. “Thank you.”
“No, I should thank you . I was a coward because I thought about running away as soon as Blake said he was going to punish me for hanging out with you. I thought you were going to ditch me, and I was so scared of Blake that I almost left you...”
She started crying again, which attracted a few glances from others in the room, so I had to remind her that we had to be quiet.
“Hey, it’s okay now.”
“I’m so sorry, Sarah. You’ve been such a nice friend so far, and I’ve done nothing in return. Will you forgive me? I promise not to be a coward again, even if Blake and Hayden do something to separate us.”
I winked at her. “Everything is forgotten.”
We got out of the library after Jessica bucked up, ready to go to our next period.
“Just so you know, Hayden and you looked way different back there,” she said. I halted, bemused.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, it was kind of hot.”
I blushed, looking away. “Hot?”
For some reason, my heart rate skyrocketed, and I hated my stupid reaction. I had to pull myself together.
“Yeah, but don’t get me wrong. I know he is the incarnation of the devil, but the way you looked at each other there...”
“Yes?”
“Well, for a moment you didn’t look like enemies.”
“No?”
“No. You looked like lovers.”
Chapter 13
TWO THINGS WERE CERTAIN in this world.
The first one was that Hayden Black hated me.
The second one was that Hayden Black hated me.
No one in their right mind would say he felt even a fragment of anything warm toward me. If he did feel this way, he wouldn’t make me suffer each day of my life, and he wouldn’t control me and do anything to prevent me from achieving happiness. He wouldn’t destroy me as a person, making me completely unable to be who I am. He wouldn’t destroy my social life, sentencing me to spending my time within the walls of my own room.
He wouldn’t have tried to kill me.
I hated him.
Jessica didn’t know our long and complicated history.
The writing club meeting after my classes lasted much longer than usual, so the parking lot was almost vacant when I finally got out of school. I was on my way to my car, planning to finish with my reading assignment and spend some time drawing, when Hayden stopped his bike directly in front of me, preventing me from moving forward. He was dressed in gray jeans and a black leather jacket, and I had to admit this combination suited him more than well because he looked sexy.
His hair was wet, as if he’d showered recently. He probably had his football practice until now, and I internally chided myself because I’d completely forgotten to pay attention to that. I could’ve avoided him if I knew he was still on the school grounds.
I scanned my surroundings and saw absolutely no one. We were all alone.
This was bad.
“Get on my bike.”
As always, his order caught me completely off guard. “No way.”
I tried to move past him, but he hit the gas and stopped in front of me again, almost running over my feet. Screaming, I jumped back. “Are you crazy?!”
“Your stupidity really gets on my nerves. Do you want me to hurt you that badly? You know what happens when you don’t follow my orders. You. Get. Hurt.”
“You hurt me anyway, whether I follow your orders or not.”
“Yes, but playing dumb will only make things worse for you. What you did today was incredibly stupid, and I have a lack of patience since Saturday. Now, sit behind me, or I swear I’ll upload those nudes online. You won’t know what hit you when I finish with you.”
I was trembling, seeing the truth in his eyes. He would do that, and he wouldn’t even blink.
I sized up his Kawasaki and grimaced. How in the hell did he expect me to climb on that monstrosity? I was afraid of bikes, and I certainly never wanted to ride on one.
“Is it safe?” I asked, studying the back part of the seat. That wasn’t even a seat. It was so tiny with barely any place left to sit. It wasn’t safe at all, and I would have to sit right behind him...
I shuddered, cornered. I didn’t want this. No.
Our gazes locked, and the contempt in his eyes was too much for me to handle.
“Nowhere is safe for you.”
Oh God...
He put his helmet on, but I didn’t see the one for me. “And the helmet for me?”
“I don’t have one for you. You’ll ride without it.”
The nerve of him! I wanted to scream at him for such imprudence, but what was the use? It was futile to argue that if we ended up in an accident, I would be dead on the spot. I clenched my teeth, trying to prevent bile from rising up my throat. I felt like I’d sealed my destiny. I was going to die and there was nothing I could do.
You can run, Sarah.
And risk what? Another twisted retribution? Either way, I was doomed.
Grinding my teeth in all my hopelessness, I stopped next to his bike with no clue how to climb on it.
“I... Um, I don’t know how...”
He rolled his eyes. “Step on a foot peg with your right leg.” He pointed his hand at it. “Put your hands on my shoulders for support and bring your left leg to the other side.”
I didn’t want to touch him. I wanted to run away.
But I knew there was no escaping as I did what I’d been told. I grasped his shoulders for support and climbed up, sensing the hard muscles beneath his jacket. Against my will, I was amazed by the sheer strength that radiated from his body. I put my leg on the foot peg, sensing the hotness coming from the exhaust pipe, which almost burned me.
“Ouch!” I yelped, the pain biting into me when I thudded on his seat.
“Ooops. I forgot to tell you to be careful not to get burned. That pipe is extremely hot.”
Jerk. I hated him.
Feeling utterly vulnerable on his bike, I wrapped my arms around his waist. I couldn’t believe I was holding him like this.
To my surprise and embarrassment, Hayden pried my hands off him. “You don’t get to put your hands on me like that. You’ll hold the handles in front of me.”
He placed my hands none too gently on said handles. With no warning, he started the bike and sped off, and I barely had time to grab the handles, screaming when inertial force pulled me backward.
“Slow down!” I shouted, but he did quite the opposite.
“Not on your life. Stop giving me orders.”
He drove way above the speed limit as we went from one road to another, passing other cars one by one. I closed my ey
es since I couldn’t stand watching everything move in a blur, expecting us to crash any moment.
I made an effort not to touch any part of his body with mine, but it was barely possible with my chest almost touching his back. I was too uncomfortable on the hard seat, positioned at a strange angle. I could sense his scent, which was a mix of his cologne and cigarettes, but I refused to define it as alluring. I hoped the football practice had sobered him and he wasn’t drunk anymore.
I flinched when some drivers honked their horns at us, my eyes flashing open. I was terrified, thinking we were seconds away from a horrible accident. He swerved to the left, and I couldn’t stop my shriek of horror.
“Stop fucking screaming!”
“We’re going to die!”
“The only person here who’s going to die is you! I’m personally going to throw you off my bike if you don’t shut up!”
“It was you who wanted me here! Why don’t you stop the bike and let me go home?”
“And have you miss all the fun I have in store for you? No.”
He entered I-91, and he almost doubled his speed. I continued whining as he zigzagged, switching lanes and passing vehicles dangerously close to them.
Like a bolt from the blue, a laugh barreled out of his mouth. It was dark, and it was feeding itself on my wretchedness, making me even more scared. The only reason Hayden ever laughed in front of me was to intimidate me, just like now.
“Don’t you want to live on the edge?”
Was that what this horrible ride was for him? Living on the edge? Did he get off on the possibility to lose his head? It was like playing with death made him feel alive. How could he be so careless?
I didn’t understand him at all.
“Where are we going?”
“You’ll find out very soon.”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“You already know that.”
“No, Hayden, I don’t know. I want you to stop acting like a madman. I’m tired of not being able to make a single step without you tripping me and messing me up.”
“You are tired?!” He started laughing like a maniac. “ I am tired of seeing such a stupid, pathetic excuse for a human being that stole my brother away!”
It hurt. For some reason, every single word was like a shard, slicing my insides and leaving brutal scars.
You’re not supposed to care, Sarah. You hate him, and you’re not supposed to care about his words.
I attempted to shut it out, but it was impossible. It was suffocating, and I couldn’t stop my tears, so I squeezed my eyes closed and cried in silence. I really was a pathetic excuse for a human being.
“Are you crying?”
I despised myself for showing him my weak side. I never wanted to cry in front of him, but I was scared to death as the merciless gusts of wind hit my face. He drove too recklessly. I counted seconds until the end of this drive, but it was so long, and it felt endless.
“It’s none of your business.”
“Everything yours, including your tears, is my business.”
I found nothing to respond to that; not that any answer would make a difference.
It took us around half an hour to reach Hartford. Hayden exited the highway, but he didn’t go deeper into the city. Instead, he entered route 44 and continued west.
I finally figured out our destination when Hayden proceeded along route 202. The sun was going down, which gradually painted the sky with darker shades, and the change in temperature was becoming noticeable, announcing a big degree drop.
The shivers ran down my spine. It was a physical proof of my unwillingness to be alone with Hayden in the dark.
He slowed down only to turn right at the Nepaug State Forest entrance. As he followed the forest path, I chewed over how he knew about this place, which had been one of Kayden’s and my most favorite places. We’d visited it and camped at our special spot that offered a clear view of the sky a few times, always stargazing after hours of forest hiking, which was my unlimited source of inspiration for drawing.
Did Kayden tell him? Did he mention what we were doing here? And most importantly, did he tell him that ?
“Why did you bring me here?” I doubted he wanted to have a picnic with me.
“Be patient, Sarah. You’ll find out soon.”
His secrecy only amplified my tension. The relief that I’d survived this crazy drive was short-lived, replaced by sheer uncertainty. Who knew what he would do? Besides, this forest was huge, so getting around it would prove to be a daunting challenge, even more so during the night. Kayden had been the one who led our way, and without him, I would’ve been completely lost.
“Are you sure you know your way around here?”
He let out another dark chuckle. “Awww. The poor little girl is afraid of getting lost. Imagine what would happen if I left you here.”
I shivered, hoping against hope he was bluffing.
The depths of forest were dark and chilly, erasing almost all presence of light. I was wearing a thin jacket that did a poor job of keeping me warm, and I couldn’t stop trembling.
“There is only one way for you to find that out. Wait and see.”
He took a few turns, following a route I didn’t recognize, reaching a path that was bumpier and hemmed in with much denser trees compared to the rest of the forest. I saw a clearing in the distance, which prompted alarms to activate in my head. It was our spot. No.
At last, Hayden stopped his bike and turned off the engine.
“Get off.”
I was more than glad to obey him, this time taking care of the exhaust pipe. My body was stiff because of the uncomfortable sitting position, and my hands hurt from holding the handles too hard.
I glanced over the deserted clearing, which was encircled by tall trees that looked somewhat scary in night. Currently, they cast a shadow on the ground underneath the sunset sky that was colored in shades of purple, orange, and pink. However, this beautiful view didn’t provide its usual solace. I was restless and perturbed by the sight and a rather piercing silence. Even with the sounds of leaves rustling in the wind, it was too silent.
I rubbed my arms to stop the chills, but it was useless, since fear wouldn’t free me from its grip.
“Why did you bring me here?”
He took off his helmet. “You had such a nice time with Kayden here, right? Such love birds.”
I gaped at him, my heart leaping into my throat. Kayden wouldn’t have told him that . He’d promised me he wouldn’t.
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the sweet, romantic meetings Kayden and you had here. Did you have fun watching the stars?” His voice was mocking me, as if stargazing was the stupidest thing one person could do. I still didn’t get what he wanted to say.
“I never had romantic meetings with Kayden here. We were only friends.”
“Friends?!”
He threw his helmet to the ground and stomped toward me. Frightened by his sudden move and the deadly look in his eyes, I bolted and tried to get as far away from him as possible, but he caught me easily. He veered me around and pressed me against his solid chest.
He was breathing fast, already furious, and I was taken aback by another one-eighty in his behavior. My instincts screamed at me to get the hell away from here.
“You were in fucking love!” He yanked my shoulders violently.
“What? That’s not true!”
“Stop lying to me!” He pushed me with all his force to the ground, and I crashed on my side, scraping my arms and legs. My backpack fell off my shoulder and rolled away from me. “You loved each other! You were so close—the perfect love birds no one could separate!” He formed a cruel smile. “But death separated you.”
I watched him, mesmerized, with tears in my eyes as the rage in his black eyes morphed into sadness and then violence as he approached me. I was terrified of him. His mood swings were happening so fast, and I didn’t know what he was going to do t
he next moment. I didn’t dare move from my spot on the ground.
He stopped right above me. “Forget about Jessica.”
“What the...? Is this all about Jessica? What the hell is wrong with you?!”
“You’ll forget about Jessica. If not, you’re both going to suffer, and what you’ve survived until now would be a child’s play.”
I wrapped my arms around my waist to make myself warmer. “I doubt that,” I said with a defiance I certainly didn’t feel. “You already did all the monstrous things you could do.”
A predatory grin tugged at his lips. “Now that’s where you’re wrong.”
He pounced on me and pushed me down on the ground, covering me with his body, and I screamed. He held his face a few inches above me, and I could smell alcohol on his breath, which scared me witless. He was drunk all this time? Oh God, what was he going to do to me?
I tried to set myself free, but it was no use. He pulled my hands above my head and pinned them against the uneven soil, clasping them with one hand, while he put his other hand on my waist to keep me in place.
“You can’t escape from me, Sarah. You always forget that.”
“Please, please, please. Let me go. Please, Hayden, don’t do this.”
“Do what?” He smiled. “This?” He removed his hand from my waist and slid it upward, coming dangerously close to my breast over my jacket. A second later, he inched it down and over my stomach, reaching the waistband of my low-rise jeans. I felt so sick. No.
“You do realize now that I was actually really good to you so far. You see, I know you’re a virgin. Kayden was a fool for not using his chance, but I won’t make the same mistake. How about I take your virginity right now?”
He brought his lips to my neck, but there was nothing romantic in the way he kissed me because it was meant to punish me. I felt nauseated, my panic rising along with my pulse.
“Let me go!” I cried out. “Please, Hayden, I’ll do whatever you tell me to do, just please... Let me... Let me go!” I burst into tears, shuddering. My kicks were useless. There was absolutely nothing I could do to get him off me. He was too strong.
He reached the edge of my jacket and slipped his hand inside, tracing my waist over my paper thin shirt. I flinched, feeling like there was no material to separate my skin from his hand. It was difficult to comprehend how such a gentle touch could make me so repulsed.