Bullied

by Vera Hollins

  I gave up fighting and looked up at the darkening sky. The stars had already appeared, and I gazed at them... They were mocking me . They witnessed the downfall of one pitiful girl who had always been a coward but never herself.

  I closed my eyes, expecting that atrocious moment to come any second...

  I don’t want to live this kind of life anymore. Enough.

  A waft of cool air danced over my body, and I snapped my eyes open, finally realizing Hayden wasn’t on me anymore. I sat back up, severely shaking, and found him on his knees several feet away from me. He was watching me silently.

  “You really thought I was going to rape you?” I was not able to speak. “I never intended to do it, so stand up and stop crying already.”

  I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even breathe. I can’t believe this.

  “There is so much I could do to you tonight, but I won’t. I find more pleasure in watching you squirm, expecting the worst from me. This was just to teach you not to disobey me.”

  “Why?” My voice was barely a whisper.

  “Why what?”

  “Why did you go to such great lengths to bring me here and do this?”

  His smile was ferocious. “Because I wanted to stain your memory. From now on, whenever you remember this place, you’ll remember this night. You’ll see only me, not Kayden.”

  I looked at him, but I didn’t see him anymore. Redness clouded my vision, and rage destroyed any presence of fear in me. I felt high on fury, and I wanted to kill him. I wanted his blood.

  “I hate you!” I screamed at him from the top of my lungs, breathing heavily. “You’re a crazy motherfucker! All these years you’ve been torturing me, destroying my life, playing with me like I’m a rag doll!”

  I got up, too restless. “You’re sick, obsessed with me, and living in illusions! I was never in love with Kayden, but I loved him! There is nothing you can do to take that feeling away from me! He was my best friend, and if I could turn back time, I would change everything! You can keep trying, but you can’t ever ruin my memories with Kayden.”

  I stomped around, unable to slow my breathing down. It was getting quicker and shallower. He was looking at me like he couldn’t believe my words.

  “Why don’t you just kill me already? Finish it! I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to have to see you every day for the rest of my life. I would prefer to die, but you don’t care. Everything I’m saying now doesn’t matter because YOU DON’T CARE!”

  I screamed, utterly broken, mad, and lost. I hit my head with my fists, hoping for physical pain to numb the inner one—hoping for anything that would end my suffering.

  “I hate you!”

  I punched my temples.

  “I hate this!”

  I punched them again.

  “I hate myself!”

  Two more punches.

  “I HATE MYSELF!”

  Another punch, and another, and another...

  My vision started to blur, pain encompassing me, and I felt like I was going to faint any second...

  Finally.

  My body swayed and somehow, I ended up in Hayden’s arms. I froze, staring at his chest beneath my cheek, feeling as if I’d entered some strange dream, because only in dreams Hayden would encircle his arms around me and hug me tightly like this.

  What was this?

  “Shhh. Slow down. Breathe.”

  Hayden’s voice sounded tender and completely unknown to me, and my chest constricted at the softness in it. His hands on my back were soothing, making the cold go away, the warmth from his body engulfing me. I could feel his fast heartbeat underneath my cheek, which was even more bewildering.

  “Don’t do this to yourself...” He sighed. “Just don’t.”

  He held me quietly as my shaking subsided. I couldn’t believe I actually felt calmer with each second I spent in his arms. His thumb rubbed my neck slowly, sending an unusually pleasant shudder down my spine, and in a moment of weakness, I closed my eyes and let myself pretend this was real. I let myself pretend this was not Hayden, and I was not me. We didn’t hate each other...

  What the hell? Why are you allowing him to hug you, Sarah?

  I opened my eyes, disgusted with myself. How much more was I going to be weak? How much more would I let him walk over me?

  Stop being pathetic, Sarah. Stop being weak. You’re the one who allows him to do this, so get a hold of yourself, and stop being a coward for once!

  “No!” I shoved him away from me and took several steps back. “Stop touching me! Get away from me!” A surprisingly gentle expression on his face was gone in a second, replaced by sheer anger. “What are you doing now? Stop playing with me!”

  “Playing with you?”

  “Yes, playing with me. This is all just a game. Why did you hug me now? Another one of your manipulations?”

  He opened his mouth to say something but then stopped himself. For a moment, he looked thoroughly confused. His jaw and fists clenched.

  “Yes,” he said slowly, as if carefully choosing his words. “This is all just a game.”

  “I can’t believe you.”

  “You were supposed to get used to it already. After three years, I thought you knew me better. I live so I can watch you suffer. You’re my fuel. Your suffering is what keeps me breathing.”

  His words sounded almost like a confession. A morbid and distorted confession.

  “And I don’t want you dead. You won’t get rid of me that easily.”

  He was horrible. I still couldn’t understand how one human being could say such hurtful things to another. It was worse than anything. It was cutting the person unfathomably deep with no chance of healing. They kept bleeding for the rest of their life.

  “You’re a despicable human being, Hayden. You’re a monster .”

  His eyes flashed with something indescribable for the briefest of moments. “See if I care. I’m giving you one last chance. End your friendship with Jessica and there won’t be any consequences.”

  “No.”

  “No? Fine. Your decision led you to this.” He walked over to his motorcycle.

  “Led me to what?” I couldn’t prevent fright from showing in my voice.

  He picked up his helmet from the ground and put it on, ignoring me.

  “Led me to what, Hayden?!”

  He sat on his bike and turned his head to look at me. “You’ll have to find your own way home.”

  To my utter disbelief, he started his bike and drove away. Just like that.

  Chapter 14

  TWO YEARS AGO

  Recently, Kayden and I started visiting the Nepaug State Forest, which was now our new favorite place. Each time I came here, I felt like a completely different person, truly lucky to be able to witness the true beauty and peace of this world. My dark past seemed insignificant in the moments I spent surrounded by stunning landscape. It seemed like it belonged to someone else.

  Since Kay was obsessed with the sky, we had our special spot, which was a clearing located on a small hill deep in the forest, encircled with tall, dense trees of various sizes and kinds. The area provided a great view of the star-heavy sky, so we liked spending time lying on its ground and stargazing as the susurration of leaves created a calming melody in the background.

  We arrived to the woods this Saturday morning so we could have a whole day for hiking and taking photos of the spots we hadn’t visited before. By the time we reached the clearing, I was fried and ready to close my eyes and rest, but Kayden had another plans.

  The evenings were chilly in the middle of June—especially inside the forest—so Kayden built a fire while I watched him. I admired his good technique, finding it too complicated for me to even try.

  “You’re a man of so many talents.”

  He chuckled. “I have to be when I have such a lazy friend.”

  “Hey! I’m not lazy. I’m just wisely avoiding the tough work.”

  “Yeah, right. You’re always a slacker.”
<
br />   “I don’t slack off when it comes to studying.”

  “I have better grades than you, so you do slack off.”

  “You have better grades than everyone . It’s like you’re some prodigy.”

  “Well, sweetheart, NASA won’t accept me only because I’m pretty. I also must work hard.”

  I snorted. “Such overconfidence. Who told you that you’re pretty?”

  “The armies of chicks!” I burst into laughter, amused by his enthusiasm. “They did! Even you think I’m pretty.”

  I grinned from ear to ear. “And how would you know that?”

  “Well, you’re head-over-heels for Hayds, and Hayds and I look the same. So, basically, you like my face too.”

  I glanced sideways, the smile on my face eliminated and replaced with a frown. Whenever we touched upon this topic, my cheeks turned red, showing my absolute embarrassment and reluctance to approach it. I always wanted to avoid talking about Hayden, but he kept pushing me to talk about him for whatever reason.

  I was ashamed to admit my infatuation with Hayden. Seriously, how could I even begin to explain what I liked about the boy who did nothing but torture me?

  My feelings were based on a presumption that beneath all those black layers, Hayden had a pure heart. They began the day I witnessed his unexpected act of kindness and friendship toward Blake, who was going through some rough patches back then, which showed me a version of Hayden that was a far cry from the version I was seeing every day. It was a contrast like none other, sparking off the emotions and curiosity that remained in me ever since.

  I clearly remembered the second time I entered Hayden’s room and noticed so many things scattered around, none of them telling me who he really was. One impression remained, though—he was suffering. There was something that troubled him so much, and it seemed like he couldn’t find a solution. It felt like he was held captive by his demons.

  There were some lines written in red, hung on the wall:

  “Feeling dead inside, breaking to pieces, but you don’t mind.

  Forever lost, I turn to light, only to see it’s useless to fight.

  I scream, suffer, and bleed inside; every single day is a tough ride.

  I love you today, but tomorrow hate will prevail.

  It’s a roller coaster, and you’ll never know

  What is like to be so high and then fall so low.”

  I read them several times, trying to figure out the meaning.

  “Hayds wrote them,” Kay told me that day.

  “What do they mean?”

  He shrugged. “He never actually wanted to tell me.”

  “Weren’t you supposed to share everything with each other as twins?”

  “Contrary to popular belief, twins don’t always know everything about each other. And you know we don’t have a good relationship. Hayds doesn’t let anyone break the walls he built around himself, despite being lost inside of them.”

  “Why is he lost?”

  “I don’t know. I tried to understand, but I’m not like him. I wish I could help him, but only he can help himself.”

  He was crippled inside, that much I could understand.

  He was suffering so the reason he hated the whole world could be because he didn’t know how to deal with his inner demons. If there could only be a way for him to snap out of whatever was holding him, he could be free. If we could both remove the shackles of darkness that were keeping us in the abyss, we could be who we truly were.

  As I said, this was my presumption, and my reasoning wasn’t convincing at all whenever Hayden bullied me. In those moments, nothing justified him being terribly mean.

  Was I a masochist or maybe delusional thinking he would change? Did I actually think I would be in that “a problematic boy changed himself because of me” kind of situation? This was such a stupid way of thinking that it repulsed me.

  “Hey.” I was brought back to present when Kay touched my cheek and made me look at him. There was sorrow in his eyes I couldn’t quite comprehend. “Don’t be ashamed of your feelings for Hayds in front of me.”

  “You probably think I’m stupid for being infatuated with him and hoping he would change?”

  “I never thought that. And I hope for Hayds to change one day too. No, not hope. I believe he’ll change. Also, I really believe Hayden will come around when it comes to you. He won’t treat you with contempt forever.”

  “Why do you think so?”

  Kay looked into the distance, his eyes glazing as he ruminated on something. “Hayden was always so sensitive. You say one wrong thing and you become his enemy. It was always hard being around him, and only one wrong thing could trigger a whole bunch of ugly emotions in him. He would transform from a good person to an evil person, one moment treating you like an angel and the next treating you like you’re the worst. That is why he and I could never have a good relationship.”

  “Do you know why he is like that?”

  “I’m not entirely sure. Mom thinks he’s like that because of our dad’s suicide.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah. It seems it left a mark on him.”

  “How about you?”

  “Honestly? I don’t remember him at all. His death didn’t leave such a big hole in me as it did in Hayden.” I pursed my lips, dismayed by their difficult family situation.

  “The point is that whenever one person becomes his enemy, they’re on Hayden’s black list for good. However, he keeps coming back only to those he truly, deeply cares about, despite everything.”

  “I don’t understand what you want to say.”

  “I want to say that he can’t actually push you away, Sari. In spite of what he says or how he acts, he’s still keeping you close to him. He tries to push you away, but deep down, he needs you.”

  My chest tightened at his words, excitement impeding my breathing. This sounded too good to be true. I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to get disappointed the next time Hayden hurt me. I wanted to believe in Kayden’s words, but I was too afraid.

  “That sounds nice, but you’re forgetting one thing.” I smiled, trying to turn this situation into a joke. “I might not want him then because after everything he’s done, I should strangle him, not kiss him.”

  Kayden bit into his lip, looking insecure. “How about you kiss me?”

  I tipped my chin down. “ What? ”

  He sat next to me on the ground, coming so close that our bodies were almost touching. “You can kiss me and pretend I’m Hayden.”

  I just stared at him for several seconds, not sure if I’d heard him correctly. “Are you serious?”

  He placed his warm hand on my cheek, offering me a tight-lipped smile. My heart began pumping tremendously fast. “I’ll do it for you, if you want it.”

  I was barely breathing as I gaped at him, debating with myself whether I should accept his offer or not. It was too tempting. I’d never been kissed, and here was my best friend, offering it to me with no strings attached.

  He wasn’t Hayden, but he had a point. They did look the same, and I could pretend for a moment that in front of me was Hayden, giving me my first kiss—

  Kay’s soft lips landed on mine, not giving me the opportunity to answer, and I instinctively closed my eyes. The loud pounding in my ears made me deaf to everything else. He licked my lips slowly, parting them open, and he slid his tongue over mine. Hayden appeared before my eyes, and I got lost in the tingling sensation that was taking over me. I moaned and hugged him, losing myself in our kiss and forgetting about reality.

  Hayden... All I saw was Hayden. All I felt was this warm feeling that was crushing me... It was spreading everywhere, painfully squeezing my heart in exhilaration and making me euphoric. This was all I ever wanted.

  He moaned and my eyes flew open. Hayden’s image in my mind dissipated immediately, and I saw this kiss for what it really was—a twisted illusion.

  No, this is so wrong.

  I pushed Kayden away and stood up, no
ticing hurt on his face. A heavy weight settled inside of me, crushing me more with each passing second. This was so wrong.

  I was such a horrible person.

  “Oh, Kay... I’m so sorry.” I felt something wet on my cheeks, and I realized I’d started crying. Just great.

  He got to his feet and frowned. “Please, don’t cry. Was the kiss that bad?”

  “Of course not, Kay. Your kiss was perfect. Too perfect.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. I was supposed to be excited about my first kiss, but I couldn’t when this kiss wasn’t what it should’ve been.

  “It wasn’t okay for me to use you like this. I feel so dirty... Imagining Hayden when you, my best friend, are kissing me is a complete mistake. And you’re with Natalie... No. This is wrong on so many levels. This kiss shouldn’t have happened.”

  He glanced away, frowning. “I know. It was a mistake. I’m sorry.”

  “Then why did you kiss me? Out of pity?”

  “No, not out of pity.” He ran his hand through his hair. “Look, I... I don’t know what’s happening to me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He licked his lips, still avoiding my gaze. I was surprised to see redness spreading across his features because he almost never blushed.

  “Kay?”

  He let out a long sigh. “These last few months... I feel different.” He met my gaze. “I feel different toward you.”

  My throat turned dry. Now he looked really hurt, and I was actually scared of what he might say next. “Different? But... But what about Natalie?”

  He let his breath out through his clenched teeth. “I love Natalie. I really do. But then I feel this when I’m with you and I don’t know what to do.”

  I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t, fear stealing the air out of my lungs.

  “I know you like Hayden. I know you see me only as a friend, and I didn’t want to mention this...”

  He smiled, but it depicted only his sadness. “But I like you, Sarah. And I’m afraid I can’t fight it off.”

  Chapter 15

  PRESENT

  Hayden had always been a good manipulator. He was a master of his own mental game, evoking my fear and feeding on it. He’d always played the right moves, which were inducing my insecurity and terror, without even inflicting the physical pain.