by Vera Hollins
The sky was becoming darker as the sun went lower, which painted it in various shades of purple, while the wind whispered softly in the distance.
“Today was an awful day. This isn’t only about me anymore but about Jessica too. She has to suffer too, and she seems so fragile... I don’t know what happened to her in her previous school, but I don’t want her to become like me. Dark and lost. She still has that light inside of her, that innocence, that faith that the world is a bright place.”
“Me? For me the world is a despicable place, filled with degenerate rats that live for nothing more than to make you bleed and watch you wither away slowly. People are corrupt. They want to witness your downfall because that is the only way they can bear their own hell.”
“How can there be goodness when there is so much hate? How can you forgive a person and give them a second chance when all they ever do is crush you over and over again? How can you wish them happiness when they don’t care about yours?”
I looked at the grazes on my forearms, unable to comprehend the venom that led Natalie to do this. Her love for Kayden had turned into something utterly frightful, her unhappiness seeping into me with each punishment she subjected me to.
“I’m afraid of Natalie. She’s unstable, and it’s frightening me because it feels so real. And I don’t know what to do to avoid it. She wants me to pay for your death, but I’m already paying for it. I’ve been paying for it since the moment you died, and the pain never goes away. I go to sleep with it. I wake up with it. I smile with it. It doesn’t go away .”
The suffocating sobs kept coming, and I couldn’t breathe anymore as anxiety drew me in its stifling cocoon. I felt the tingling in the back of my head and soon enough, it spread through my whole head.
“On top of everything, there is Hayden. Hayden hates me and there is nothing beyond that. You were wrong, Kay. You were so wrong.”
The image from this Saturday came into my mind, along with that memory of the day of Kayden’s funeral... So much pain...
“Can you imagine how it feels to get hurt again and again, and the bully simply doesn’t care? Nothing. They make you bleed and there is no remorse, no pain, nothing. They don’t care about you. You can die and there would be nothing. Nothing .”
I held my head on my lap, keeping my eyes squeezed shut, but saying these words out loud didn’t relieve my pain like I thought it would. It made it stronger.
“I was so wrong about Hayden. I was giving him another chance and then another chance. I was always, somehow, justifying his cruelty. I thought he was suffering and lonely, just like me.”
“I actually wanted to help him. Even after all those things he’d done to me, I wanted to be strong for him and wipe away our darkness. I wanted to forget everything and be there for him, without asking for anything in return. You would say I was selfless, but now I know it was foolish. You can’t build castles out of thin air. Things get annihilated so easily, yet it can take centuries to build them again.”
“Do you know what you can’t build anymore? The lost trust.”
I was still resting my head on my lap, trying to calm down my breathing. A dull pain in my chest refused to go away, but the tears had finally stopped. I raised my head and read the words again.
“ You left a crushing emptiness, you left an immense hole.”
“I miss you, Kay. Thank you for giving my life some sense. You made me happy. I hope I made you happy too. Thank you for everything.”
I finally stood up, but my wobbly legs disrupted my balance. Sensing someone behind me, I swiveled around.
A pale Hayden stood several feet away from me, watching me intensely. His eyes were red, like he’d been crying. I screamed and stumbled, barely catching myself before I fell. Had he heard my whole confession?
“I told you not to come here.”
“He was my best friend. I need to be here because this is the closest I can get to him.”
“You’re responsible for his death. You’re responsible for this.” He tapped his scar.
I shuddered. Even though I blamed myself all the time, I always felt horrible when I heard this from him.
“That doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I want—”
“It doesn’t fucking matter what you want,” he interrupted me and closed the distance between us.
It was clear that he was drunk, and I was chilled to the marrow because he could become even more unpredictable when he was in this state. I wanted to bolt right this second, but my legs were glued to the ground, not allowing my much-needed escape.
“You don’t deserve anything. Nothing .”
“Hayden, you’ve caused me enough pain. Stop this. Don’t do this in front of Kay’s grave. He wouldn’t want it.”
“Kay, Kay, Kay, Kay... It was always about what Kayden wanted!” he erupted, fuming in anger, and there was nothing I could do or say but stare at him. “Everybody always cared about him! He was the golden child! Everyone rooted for him and hoped he would achieve his dreams! Nobody ever paid attention to the black sheep!”
He stepped even closer. I couldn’t breathe.
“I don’t even know what my dreams are! Nobody ever helped me find them! Even you! You immediately ran over to Kayden and stuck to him. You were always by his side. Fuck, you even made him love you!”
A tear rolled over my cheek and fell. I couldn’t move.
“I hated seeing you two together. Each time I wanted to rip Kayden’s and your throats out.”
“Don’t say these things, Hayden. You don’t mean this.”
He grabbed my upper arms, yanking me against his body. I tried to move away from him, but he didn’t let me.
“You don’t fucking know me, Sarah! You never did! So stop telling me I don’t mean it. I mean every single word! I hate you. I hate Kayden!”
“He was your brother! He saved your life!” I screamed from the top of my lungs, my voice piercing through the silent evening.
“He didn’t care what I wanted!” His shout was even louder, forcing me to flinch violently.
“What do you want?!”
We stared at each other, frozen in time and place as the world turned silent.
Thump, thump, thump...
Our heartbeats became faster, working in unison.
“I don’t know...”
Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump...
His furious expression cracked. I basked in every line of his face, memorizing the feelings I saw—sadness, regret, and want .
“I never knew... And when I see you... Everything is hot and cold. Light and dark... You confuse me even more.”
I became bound to him by an invisible chain. Our breaths mixed and became one as he lowered his head and our lips almost touched.
“You have no idea how I feel,” he whispered.
Don’t go there, Sarah... Don’t get involved...
“How do you feel?”
His eyes didn’t leave mine, not even for a second.
“I feel like I’m thrown off a roller coaster. In one moment, it’s maddeningly fun. I feel so high. In the next moment, I fall into an abyss, and I feel terrified. I’m lost. I can’t breathe. I want to find a safe place... And then, there’s you.”
His breath on my lips tickled me. I felt tingles all over my body. He was so close...
“Me?”
“You crush me, so I want to crush you. You’re so weak, and you terrify me. You don’t know what love is, and I hate you.”
And just like that, his lips were on mine. In a never-ending moment, he was pressing me against him, savoring me. I started resisting, trying to push him away, but he didn’t move an inch. I opened my mouth to protest, but my voice came out muffled. Parting my lips was a mistake, since he immediately thrust his tongue inside. Our tongues met, and a hot pressure settled in my chest, spreading through my every single nerve. Hayden’s taste was mixed with the flavor of cigarettes and beer, but this combination wasn’t unpleasant.
Daze filled my mind,
and warmth enveloped my whole body. His kiss deepened and became unrestrained, taking more of me. Despite everything, I felt feverish and thrilled. There were so many butterflies in my stomach now, and I let myself drown in them.
I stopped resisting, not thinking anymore. His hand grabbed a handful of my hair and yanked, tilting my head backward, which exposed my neck. He broke the kiss as he wrapped his other arm around my waist, keeping me flush against his body, and continued leaving hungry, wet kisses along my jaw to the sensitive hollow of my neck. These unknown, rousing sensations were too much...
Unintentionally, I let out a low moan. I flinched and opened my eyes in terror, feeling like someone had thrown a bucket of cold water on me. This was a serious mistake.
“No!” I pushed against him, and this time he let me go.
I gaped at him in horror, incapable of speaking, noticing the confusion on his face before the punishing smirk appeared. His eyes were mocking me now, and I felt disgusted with myself. I returned his kiss...
If only I could die now.
“Congratulations. You actually made an even bigger fool of yourself.” He started chuckling, but it sounded so empty.
I wiped the tears off my face, refusing to cry in front of him, but they kept rolling down my cheeks. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How could I be such an idiot?
“Why?” My voice came out as a broken whisper.
“I wanted to stain another memory of Kayden. Now, his grave will remind you of your first kiss and me, who was stealing it from you.”
It didn’t matter that he got that “first kiss” thing wrong, because he was right when he said I would always remember it when I came here. No matter how corrupt it was, his kiss was affecting me like cancer, spreading through me extremely fast, and I couldn’t control it. I hated him, yet the kiss didn’t terrify me. It didn’t make me feel anything negative, because it was surprisingly good. It was like I’d completely lost my brain, and with it, all my bad memories.
“You know what the funniest thing is?” he asked. “You actually enjoyed it.”
His smile of satisfaction didn’t last long. It fell, his gaze filling with nothingness, and it was scary. There was something about him—a glimpse of a broken soul—which chilled me to the bone. I had to get out of here.
My legs started moving before I was aware of it, running away from him.
Running away from myself.
“H EY. DON’T CRY,” KAY told me, holding my hand. “It’s just a small scrape.” I couldn’t believe he was comforting me when he was the one who had gotten injured. Pull yourself together, Sarah.
“It’s not just a small scrap. Okay, your wound will heal, but what about Hayden? This time he went too far. He attacked you!”
“He didn’t quite attack me—”
“Don’t defend him, Kay! You always defend him! Nothing justifies such anger.”
Hayden’s violent outburst started unexpectedly, just like always. Mrs. Carmen wanted me to stay for dinner and asked Hayden to eat with us. When he saw Kayden and me together, he grimaced and refused, calling me ugly names. Mrs. Carmen scolded him, and he started shouting at us. Kayden pleaded him to calm down, but it only became worse.
He began throwing plates and utensils against the wall, smashing them violently. The shards flew all around the kitchen, and it was a disturbing sight. Kayden tried to restrain Hayden, but Hayden was stronger, resisting Kayden and pushing him against the wall. The force of the shove made Kayden lose his balance and fall directly on the broken pieces spread on the floor.
It was in that moment that Hayden finally stopped. He was breathing heavily, watching Kayden with regret. Our eyes met, and I thought he was going to lose it again, but he just turned on his heel and left.
“You don’t understand Hayds—”
“And you do?”
“Maybe not, but he is suffering. I can understand that much.”
“Suffering from what?”
“I don’t know, Sari.”
“It’s like he is not human. It’s terrible.”
“Believe me, he’s more human than you think. He’s actually feeling everything much stronger than other people.”
“I can’t understand him.”
Kayden’s expression was sad as he studied my face. “I know. He’s not easy to read, but I believe that deep down he doesn’t want to hurt anyone because he enjoys it, but because that’s his defense mechanism.”
“Well, that’s a hell of a mechanism... Torturing others to the point of risking their lives.”
“I think he isn’t actually aware of the consequences of his behavior in that moment. The anger consumes him and he isn’t able to think straight anymore... But, let me tell you this; Hayden rarely gives his heart to anyone, but when he does, that’s forever.”
He smiled mysteriously.
“What?” I asked him.
“He’ll come around. Besides, he’s jealous right now because I’m friends with you.”
“Jealous? Why?”
I didn’t get to hear his answer because my alarm woke me up. I jolted in my bed, clinging to that dream. It wasn’t actually a dream. It was a memory of the conversation I had with Kayden a few months before he kissed me.
Even then I didn’t hear his answer, because he changed the topic, as usual. I never understood their complicated relationship, and I feared I had a bad influence on it. I didn’t want them to argue because of me, so I never told Kay how much Hayden actually hated me. He wasn’t aware of how bad Hayden treated me, which could be why he thought Hayden wasn’t much of an enemy to me.
I wanted to erase the previous day, especially the kiss. I couldn’t even describe how mortified I felt because I’d made such a stupid mistake. It was one thing for him to kiss me, but for me to return his kiss? Ugh.
Wasn’t everything he did to you before more than enough, Sarah? Are you brainless? You hate him. Usually, people don’t kiss the person they hate.
Exactly; people didn’t return a kiss of those they hated, and the same went for initiating it. So why did he kiss me?
To humiliate me? Check.
To make me more miserable? Check.
To confuse me? Check.
I didn’t even want to think about when we saw each other again. He would probably tell the whole school about the kiss...
Oh no. He would tell the whole school...
My stomach was a mess as I dressed, and no deep breathing could calm down my erratic pulse. I didn’t want to go to school. They would eat me alive there...
Calm down, Sarah. Maybe he won’t tell them...
Who was I kidding?! Why wouldn’t he tell? It was his latest and probably greatest victory! I didn’t know if he was aware I’d liked him before, but now he would think that for sure. He would use that to toy with me!
No, enough . I always created these horrible scenarios in my head that may or may not happen, but if I continued like this, I would be late for school.
I brushed my teeth, pulled my hair back into a ponytail, and went down to grab some food. I wasn’t hungry, but I couldn’t let my anxiety over Hayden’s potential future humiliation prevent me from eating. Mom sat at the table, munching a chocolate croissant and drinking her coffee. She offered me a close-mouthed smile.
“Hey,” she told me.
“Hey.”
As expected, she acted like nothing happened two nights ago. I was sure she didn’t remember most of it.
“Are you going to visit Kayden’s grave today? It’s his death anniversary.”
“His death anniversary was yesterday, mom.”
“I see.” I poured the milk into a glass and sipped it while eating the muffins left from yesterday. “How was it?”
I certainly didn’t plan to tell her the truth. “Okay.”
“Are you okay?”
She wasn’t actually concerned about me. It was more like an automatic question. I turned around to look at her, but she wasn’t even looking at me, focusing on some article she was reading
in the newspaper. I wondered why she’d bothered to ask at all.
“I’m perfect. I’m off now.”
“Have fun in school.”
I couldn’t prevent a sad smile from forming on my face. “Like always.”
I took my backpack, more than ready to escape the sad reality of my own home. What made my life tragic was the fact that the moment I closed the door of my house, I stepped into another sad reality. I couldn’t actually escape. Everywhere I went, I was imprisoned.
I made several steps down my driveway, double-checking if Hayden was outside. I exhaled a heavy breath when I didn’t notice his car, which meant he’d already left. Good. I turned to my car, preparing my keys to unlock the door, and froze when I caught a frightening sight.
No. I couldn’t believe this. My front tires were slashed.
Chapter 17
TWO YEARS AGO
Going to Kay’s funeral was one of the hardest things I’d done in my entire life. It took me all the courage I had to stand in front of all these people knowing I was the one who had caused this. I’d spent the whole last night crying, and my mother had barely managed to make me come out of my room this morning.
Wherever I looked, I saw doleful faces, all of them dressed in black and standing in silence as we said our last goodbye to Kayden. Mrs. Black stood in the center, right across the patch of ground where Kay’s resting place would be. She looked small and fragile, her silent tears pushing me further into desolation and shame. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes.
She hadn’t said even one bad word to me, and that hurt me the most. Instead of blaming me or yelling at me, she just hugged me that fateful night and told me it wasn’t my fault. Just that. It wasn’t my fault.
I broke down in tears in that moment, terribly ashamed to be in front of her, and she followed. We cried together for a long time, hugging each other and reminiscing about Kayden.
I glanced at Hayden, who stood motionlessly next to her with his stare fixed on the ground. He was dressed in a black suit and wore a bandage on his left temple, which covered an injury that was certainly going to leave a scar. My stomach turned at the thought. His dull eyes were red, but I didn’t see him shed a tear after Kayden died.