by Vera Hollins
Since that night, for the first time ever, he didn’t speak to me at all. Completely ignoring me these last few days, he looked like a tormented soul that was lost in its own world.
There was more to their relationship than what they showed to the world. They weren’t the best example of brotherly love, but no matter how different they were or how much they argued, I’d always known that deep down they loved each other.
Then I came into their lives and everything crashed down.
My whole life shattered the night I made such a stupid mistake. Carmen claimed that it wasn’t my fault, and if that driver hadn’t been driving too fast, nothing would’ve happened.
“He was the one who chose to save his brother. Nobody forced him to make that sacrifice.”
Her words reverberated in my mind, bringing more pain because she couldn’t be more wrong. He was forced to make that sacrifice, because Hayden was his brother. How could he not save him?
I tried to hold back my tears, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be alone, so I could drown in my misery. I wanted to lock myself somewhere far away and stay there until I died a slow, painful death.
There was nothing more that I deserved now than death .
I tried not to pay attention to my classmates. There were some of them I didn’t recognize, but it was obvious that they all knew exactly who I was, their accusing stares boring into me wherever I went. Christine and Natalie made sure to spread the news of the accident around the whole school, emphasizing the fact that it was my fault Kayden had died.
I felt betrayed because Christine had called me a murderer and slapped me, her attitude toward me making a U-turn after the accident, which marked the end of a friendship that had never even existed. I should’ve known better.
I looked at Natalie, who stood between Hayden and Josh. She was sobbing, her mascara running down her ashen face. Josh supported her frail frame with his arm around her waist, staring at her with tenderness I’d never seen before.
As if he sensed me looking, he glanced at me, and his eyes lost all warmth, conveying only hatred. Next to them stood Blake, Masen, and Christine, who all looked equally angry at me.
I couldn’t stand looking at them and all these pale faces. It was twisted. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. It would’ve been better if I died. Nobody would care about me.
My heart squeezed with pain at this thought.
Nobody would come to my funeral...
My heart squeezed again.
Why did I have to be so stupid and make such a mistake?
My heart hurt so much now that it became difficult to breathe.
No. Calm down, Sarah. You’ll not break now. Save that breakdown for later, when there is no one to witness your downfall.
Just a little bit more. They would bury him soon, and I would be able to leave and drown in hurt.
The loud crying intensified when they finally started lowering his casket into the ground. People threw a handful of dirt on his coffin, each taking their time to say their final farewell to him. I moved to the side because I didn’t want to do something so personal in front of everyone.
My mother nudged me, and I looked at her, hoping she wasn’t asking me to go throw the dirt. She inclined her head toward Kay’s coffin, signaling that it was our turn to go pay him that respect. I couldn’t argue with her and tell her I hadn’t planned on doing it, because I didn’t want to cause a scene. She was already hammered because she’d taken her time with her favorite bourbon before the funeral, and she could easily become aggressive and create a scene if I dared to oppose her.
My legs felt so numb, like they weren’t mine, as I stood above his coffin. I bent to take some dirt into my hand, sensing everyone watching me. My face burned as I tried to ignore the anxiety under everyone’s scrutiny. I felt like a fake. All my classmates glowered at me, and here I was, throwing the dirt for my best friend who was never supposed to die. All of this was my fault, and if I could go back in time, I would’ve never crossed that street so carelessly.
In a moment of despair, I looked at Hayden and found him staring right at me. The intensity of the feelings in his eyes twisted everything in me, and our regret, sorrow, and darkness mixed together.
I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to blame him for not avoiding that car. I wanted to hurt him, to scream at him, anything , but I knew that everything felt easier than facing the truth—one negligent moment was more than enough to change everyone’s lives forever.
What if the driver weren’t driving so fast? What if I weren’t looking at my phone? What if Hayden or I avoided it? What if Kayden didn’t receive a fatal blow to his head? What if, what if, what if. So many questions swirled in my mind, torturing me endlessly.
I threw the dirt onto the coffin, not even daring to look at it in fear of losing it in front of all these people, and stepped aside, counting the minutes until I could finally escape.
I HADN’T INTENDED TO go to Kay’s repast in their house, but I couldn’t refuse Carmen when she begged me to be there. Hayden, who was standing next to her, tensed when I accepted her invitation, and I didn’t even want to think about what he could do to me afterward. I expected him to make a scene right there, in the cemetery, but he said nothing, stomping away.
Attending Kay’s repast with my drunk mother put me in a tight spot. She guzzled two glasses of wine as soon as we arrived, and I couldn’t do anything to stop her. The longer we were here, the more improperly she acted, speaking too loudly and pestering people she’d never even seen before with her sad stories from the past. She was always doing this. Whenever something sad happened, she used it as an opportunity to get attention and complain about her own miserable life, acting as if everything revolved around her.
I couldn’t stand her pitiful wails and babbling anymore, so I stood up, ignoring everyone’s stares.
I didn’t see Hayden or any of our classmates here, which was a relief since I didn’t want to face any of them. I walked out of the living room, pretending I was going to the bathroom, and took the stairs instead.
I entered Kayden’s room and closed the door behind me, enjoying the silence after so many distressed murmurs and sobs I’d had to listen to the whole morning.
Every piece of furniture my glance fell upon created a new surge of pain inside of me. I could still sense his smell. It was a vanilla mixed with lavender, and it increased my longing. I sat on his bed and closed my eyes.
Three months ago Kayden confessed to me. After giving me my first kiss, which was a big delusion I wanted to drown in as I shamelessly used him, he admitted he was falling for me. Now, more than ever, I felt guilty for using him that way and acting like he wasn’t serious when he confessed to me.
I didn’t stop even for a second to consider how he felt, scared and unprepared for his feelings, for how was I supposed to feel when I always considered him just a friend? I couldn’t reciprocate his feelings. I couldn’t give him what he wanted. And on top of that, he was with Natalie.
So I turned it into a joke, saying he was out of his mind, and switched the topic. I’d never seen Kayden so down as he was during the rest of that evening, but I pretended I didn’t notice his hurt and behaved like nothing had happened.
And to think that I also pleaded him not to tell Hayden about the kiss, keeping it like a dirty secret, asking selfishly but not giving anything in return...
We never spoke about his feelings or the kiss after that night in the forest, and now I regretted every single second I’d spent ignoring him and disrespecting his feelings.
He had to sacrifice himself to save his brother, and it was all because of me. I was the worst being on the whole planet.
I wanted to die. It would be best if I died.
The door was thrown open, and I jerked my head up, spotting a completely drunk Hayden on the doorsill. The coldness in his eyes terrified me, sending my senses on high alert. I jumped to my feet.
“I-I’m sorry,” I stammered. What was I apologizing fo
r? “I’m sorry for coming here... I just wanted to...” I wanted to do what? I had no idea, but it didn’t matter since he wasn’t even listening to me.
“I knew right from the start you were a bitch. I knew you’d mess something up.”
His eyes were as petrifying as ever when he approached me and grabbed me by my hair, pulling me until only inches separated our faces. His movement took me completely by surprise, messing with my already bad balance, and I grasped his hand, yelping in pain.
“Wha... What are you—”
“You had to text. You had to look at your fucking screen instead of paying attention to the road! And then you just froze there and did nothing. I could’ve died because of you! And now Kayden is dead. He’s dead because of you, you stupid bitch!” He shoved me toward the door, making me stumble. “I don’t want to see you in my house ever again!”
I backed away, wanting to separate myself from him as much as possible. There was such hatred in his eyes that chilled me to the bone and made me feel like I was completely worthless.
Exiting Kay’s room, I took a few unsteady steps backward, my legs threatening to give out on me. He followed me, the lack of expression on his face even scarier. He didn’t look human as he approached me, not letting me escape.
“You’ll pay for his death. You’ll pay for this.” He pointed at his bandage. “I’ll hurt you so much that you’ll wish you were the one who got hit.” I took another step back, and once more, he closed the distance between us. “I’m going to destroy you until you’re only an empty shell, devoid of any happiness or hope.”
I froze in place when I noticed the staircase several feet behind me, feeling cornered.
“And then I’m going to step on that shell and shatter you into dust.”
We stared at each other, both breathing heavily, physically so close, but the distance between our worlds felt like a chasm. It was infinite and impossible to cross. Hayden hated me more than ever, and all my illusions about him growing to like me one day dissipated.
I couldn’t stand his accusing stare, his hate... It hurt more than everything...
I couldn’t take any of this anymore.
“I’m so sorry, Hayden,” I said through tears. “I’m sorry for putting your life in danger. I’m sorry for your injury. I’m sorry for Kayden.” There was nothing I could say that could make things right. Nothing could make this right. Kayden was gone.
“You will be sorry,” Natalie interjected in a hoarse voice, and I turned around. She climbed up the last step and wiped the tears off her face. “You will be sorry for killing my Kayden.”
Oh God. Her gaze was filled with venom and hatred, increasing the burning guilt that twisted my insides.
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” I was blind with tears, suffocating. I needed to get away from here.
I lurched toward the stairs, but I didn’t even reach them before Natalie said, “Oh no, not so fast.”
She grabbed my hair and upper arm and threw me into a wall with a strength I didn’t know she possessed. A scorching pain exploded in my head upon the contact with the hard surface, leaving me slightly dazed.
Hayden didn’t try to stop her or even move from his spot, observing our interaction with a blank face, and more tears flowed out of my eyes. This was too much. He was ripping my heart apart.
Natalie swung her hand and slapped me hard before I could dodge it, her eyes promising me more violence. She made a move to slap me again, but I found the strength to move before her hand could make a contact and I rushed to the stairs. I needed to escape from this house right this second.
I headed down the stairs, but I overstepped and lost my footing, which sent me falling down the rest of the stairs. I screamed and tried to grasp at something, but nothing came under my fingers. I tumbled down with my heart in my throat, completely losing my orientation as sharp pain burst in different parts of my body.
I sprawled at the bottom, breathing with difficulty. Everything hurt like hell. I didn’t dare to move, wondering if I broke something.
I heard voices coming from all directions. “Jesus! Are you all right, Sarah?” Carmen Black asked and knelt next to me.
Several people appeared above me. I tried to move my legs and arms and sighed in relief because there was nothing broken.
“How did this happen? Can you stand up?”
I struggled to sit up, crying out when the sizzling shot of pain spread through my back. “Easy.” She wrapped her arm around my waist to help me. “I’ll call the ambulance.”
“It’s okay,” I said to reassure her, but the truth was that I wasn’t okay. I felt completely broken. Not on the outside, but on the inside.
I looked upward and noticed Hayden standing alone at the top of the stairway. He stared at me impassively with his vacant eyes, completely unperturbed by my fall. Without any emotion, he turned around and walked away, hammering the last nail into my coffin of misery and darkness.
I closed my eyes, my defensive barriers going down. I let myself cry in front of everyone, falling into the abyss of despair and burning pain. Of course he didn’t care. No one cared.
Hayden Black and Natalie Shelley. They were the same.
I’d been so wrong. There was no goodness in Hayden. He wasn’t that Hayden I always hoped for, believed in .
He was a creature with no compassion or care for others. He was a monster.
I felt my heart shut down, and all the warm feelings I’d once had for him began to disappear.
Chapter 18
PRESENT
A blend of anger and fear twirled in me as I left my bike on the parking lot, a few drops of sweat sliding down my temples. I’d had to pedal as fast as I could in order not to be late for my first class.
I darted through the groups of students in the halls, intending to confront Hayden because this was getting way out of hand. Why did he have to do that? Couldn’t I spend at least one day in peace?
I hated him, and I hated myself for letting him me kiss me after everything he’d done to me. That kiss was indeed icing on the cake after yesterday’s disastrous day in school. It was like someone had brainwashed me and made me enjoy that kiss. No, I didn’t even want to think about it. I would erase it from my memory and act like it never happened.
I didn’t even have time to explain to my mother what happened. I just told her I would deal with the issue after I came from school, but I couldn’t keep having my car serviced. This had to stop.
Would it be better not to use my car anymore? I couldn’t keep coming to school with my bicycle, but maybe I could use the school bus? No, the school bus wasn’t a convenient solution since the bus stop was too far.
I hated my bullies for forcing me to change everything only so I could dodge them. I kept brainstorming how to avoid all the potential damage to me or my property.
So many ruined or stolen books, notebooks, my car... On top of everything, Josh had ripped to pieces my most important notebook yesterday, destroying my ideas and sketches. All those hours I spent planning and dreaming about making those plans come true... All of them extinguished.
My rage grew stronger just thinking about it, which was exactly what I needed so I could face Hayden. I was on my way to his locker, when Dan, one of my classmates, and his friend stopped me in the hall.
“Yo, Decker! Your car seriously needs some remodeling. Instead of buying new tires, how about you buy a new car? Something from this century?” Dan said. I gaped at him in distress, wondering how he knew about my car tires.
“And something that isn’t cheap and ugly,” his friend added.
Dan turned the screen of his Samsung to me and showed me the image of my Ford with the slashed tire taken in front of my house. It was on Twitter and retweeted 26 times already.
“I can’t believe this,” I muttered to myself, mortified because Hayden was subjecting me to more public humiliation. Seeing my reaction, Dan and his friend burst into laughter and walked away, calling me names loud enough for
everyone around to hear them.
Choking back my resentment and shame, I proceeded to Hayden’s locker. Just like I’d hoped for, he was there and he was alone.
“Why did you have to do that?” I bit out when I halted behind him, feeling the heat in my cheeks.
He turned around, his eyes narrowing at me. “Do what?”
“Don’t act dumb. Now I have to buy new tires, and I was almost late for my first period because of you!”
He sneered at me in sudden anger. “What the fuck are you on? I have no clue what you’re talking about.”
I shook my head at him, doing my best to hold his furious gaze. “You know very well. You keep threatening me and messing with my life. How could you do that? Do you have any idea of what damage you have done?”
In a second, I was pressed against his locker and he was caging me in with his arms. “As I said, I have no clue what you’re talking about. It beats me why you thought you could just come here and bitch about it.”
He was lying. “I don’t trust you.”
He clenched his jaw. “See how much I don’t fucking care.” He gave me the middle finger and then kissed it, staring at me coldly.
Seconds passed as we just glared at each other, completely motionless, my body hyperaware of his nearness. He wasn’t even admitting it, refusing to take responsibility for his appalling deed, and I hated feeling so powerless. It wasn’t fair.
“And if I report you to the police?” It was an empty threat I used only to see his reaction.
He didn’t miss a beat, his nostrils flaring. “Do it. And then let’s see if you can prove it was me who did it.”
The bell rang, giving fuel to his body to finally move, and he stepped back. Without even looking at him, I darted away before he could stop me, wishing I could make him and everyone else pay for everything they had done to me.
Jessica was already in the classroom when I arrived to English, her face pale and tired. The dark circles under her eyes told me she didn’t sleep well last night.
“Hi,” I told her, sitting down at my desk.
“Hi, Sarah. I was worried about you. I texted you last night, but you didn’t answer.”