Bullied

by Vera Hollins

  I blinked a few times to adjust my eyes to the bright morning light in the room and stilled when I saw I was in a hospital bed. The medical equipment, which produced regular beeping sounds, stood on my right side, and I was attached to an IV drip. I groaned. I hated those IV things.

  “Sarah? You woke up.” My mother got up from the couch on my left, looking exhausted. I was actually surprised to see her here.

  “Ugh. I feel terrible. What happened?”

  She clasped her hands together in front of her. She looked sober, but she was stand-offish as always. If I hoped for her to touch me or show me any sign of comfort, I was wrong.

  “Wait for a sec. I will call Mrs. Black.”

  “Mrs. Black?”

  “Yes. Carmen Black is in charge of you.” She went out of the room and returned a few minutes later. “She will be here soon. How are you feeling?” she asked, stopping next to my bed.

  “Groggy. My whole body hurts... So what happened?”

  “You got stabbed in the back.” My memories were a bit fuzzy, but I did remember Hayden...

  Oh God, Hayden!

  “What about Hayden?” I was sure my voice revealed my panic, but I didn’t care. He’d actually come to my house and fought Josh, only to get stabbed in the end.

  “He’s all right, and he received treatment, so you don’t have to worry about him at all. His shoulder wound wasn’t serious because that knife didn’t hit anything vital, so he wasn’t required to stay in the hospital.” She narrowed her eyes at me. “He was here with you all the time.”

  I gaped at her. “What?”

  “Yes. It’s weird, if you ask me, because I was never under the impression that you two were anything more than classmates.” She had no idea. “Mrs. Black barely managed to convince him to go home and get some proper rest.”

  What was happening with Hayden? This didn’t sound like him at all.

  “You were lucky, too, because Mrs. Black said your vital signs were fine.”

  “How long was I unconscious?”

  “More than a day. Today is Monday. You woke up a few times, but it was all temporary.” She sighed loudly. “I still can’t believe this has happened! The boy who attacked you is your classmate, for Christ’s sake!”

  I frowned, remembering Josh with reluctance. “What happened to him? To Josh?”

  “The police caught him. He tried to escape, but he didn’t go far.”

  “How did he get inside the house?”

  “He claims he broke in through the back door. Ah, yes. The police detectives came earlier, and Hayden already gave them his statement. They want to talk with you too.”

  “Great,” I mumbled, not too happy that I have to deal with this as well.

  I wanted Josh behind the bars, but dealing with this issue along with my school problems, the part-time job, and college applications was too much to bear. Also, I was going to miss school, which meant I would have to study harder to keep up with the curriculum.

  I didn’t even want to think about the medical bills.

  Carmen entered my room with the nurse, wearing a gleaming smile on her face. “Sarah! I’m so glad my favorite patient finally woke up. Do you plan on falling asleep on us again?” She winked at me.

  “Hopefully not,” I mumbled, anxious about being bedridden. I hated hospitals, and I hated lying in bed for a long period of time.

  “Actually, you were really lucky, just like Hayden. Neither of you suffered any damage to vital organs or major blood vessels. We’re observing you now to see if there will be any infection, but there is none so far, thank goodness.”

  Carmen checked my vital signs, asking me the usual questions, all the while scribbling something on her clipboard. “The detectives want to visit you and ask you some questions about the incident, so whenever you’re ready to see them, I’ll call them and let them know. Is that okay with you?”

  “I guess.”

  “Also, a few reporters heard about the incident and came here to talk with you, but I didn’t want to let them inside without your permission. Do you want to talk with them?”

  I shook my head, mortified about having my story covered by the media. I didn’t need extra attention. “No. Absolutely not.”

  She nodded. “I understand. You can rest assured we won’t let them in.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I’m so sorry about what happened, Sarah. It’s unbelievable.” She placed her hand on my mom’s shoulder. “Your daughter will be fine. The worst has passed.”

  My mother just nodded. I observed her, searching for any sign of worry or distress, but I didn’t see anything. Her face was blank, like she was some stranger who was here for no reason, like this had nothing to do with her.

  I clenched my teeth, ignoring the ache in my chest. I shouldn’t be surprised. I couldn’t feel sorry about something I never had, right?

  “I’m sorry your son was involved in this mess,” I told her politely. First Kayden, now Hayden...

  “Please, don’t even say such a thing. You don’t have anything to apologize about. Now, I would like to talk more with you later, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Great. I’ll visit you when I finish my shift. I’d like to tell you something about Hayden, and it’s very important.”

  MY MOTHER AND I SPENT hours in uncomfortable silence, her presence only making me more nervous. She read health magazines that the hospital provided while I checked my art accounts and messages on my phone. I found a few texts from Jessica, Melissa, and even Mateo, who were worried because I wasn’t answering them. They promised they would visit me in the hospital, which put a gigantic smile on my face.

  It was hard to pretend that I didn’t mind my mother’s indifference. With each passing hour, she grew more restless, and I couldn’t even talk to her, suspecting she needed some alcohol to keep her in check. I was actually relieved when she finally decided it was time for her to go and left my room.

  Two detectives visited me during the afternoon, soon after my mother went home. They were completely focused on their task, writing everything I said down in their pocket notebooks, but I couldn’t help but feel anxious under their unnerving stares. I told them about Josh’s threatening messages and that Natalie, who had slashed my car tires, was his accomplice.

  They seemed particularly interested about Hayden’s role in this situation.

  They asked me about the nature of my relationship with him, and I had no idea how to respond. What could I say about the person who had been my enemy from the first moment we saw each other? I knew it would sound suspicious if I said we hated each other, because enemies didn’t rush to their enemy’s house to help them.

  Eventually, I said he was my neighbor and classmate, who probably heard my screams and saw what was happening in my room from his window. They wrote this down, wished me well, and went their way.

  I still couldn’t come to terms that Hayden actually tried to protect me. A deep longing washed over me, which was stupid because I couldn’t expect anything from him, yet I couldn’t stop thinking about the way he acted that night or the way he looked at me when I got stabbed.

  No. I was a fool for letting those old feelings return, but I was smarter this time. No matter what he felt now, nothing changed. I was grateful to him for coming to my rescue, but he was still the guy who had made my life hell.

  The knocks on the door pulled me out of my musing. “Come in,” I said, and Carmen entered. She wasn’t in her uniform anymore.

  “I just finished my shift. How do you feel?”

  “Everything still hurts.”

  “Yes, it will take a while. We gave you pain medication, but even that can’t help sometimes. It’s important that you rest as much as possible.”

  “When can I go home?”

  She placed the chair next to my bed and sat on it, making an apologetic face. “Not before the end of this week.”

  That was too long! What was I going to do with the school stuff and everyth
ing else? “But that’s too long.”

  “That knife didn’t cause great damage, but your wound is still serious. We need to keep you here under observation and care. Now, I mentioned to you that I wanted to talk about Hayden.”

  I tensed. “Yes.”

  “First of all, I have to say I’m completely surprised by Hayden’s reaction. I knew you two didn’t get along, but despite that, Hayden decided to help you.”

  I shrugged. What could I say when I was also surprised?

  “How is Hayden holding up?” I had to ask.

  “His injury wasn’t serious enough to be admitted into the hospital. He’s okay, but I barely managed to send him home.” She frowned slightly. “He didn’t want to be separated from you. The rest of the staff and I tried to make him leave, but he didn’t want to listen.” She observed me too carefully. “Do you know why?”

  I blushed, looking away. “I don’t know. I’m completely surprised to hear this.”

  “He was terrified that you were going to die...” Her gaze lingered on her clenched hands on her lap. She raised her head and offered me a tiny smile. “I want to thank you for the day when you helped me with the furniture.”

  Why was she mentioning it now? “You don’t have to thank me again. That was nothing—“

  “No, you don’t understand. I want to thank you for what you said to me in the kitchen. You reminded me that Hayden needed me despite everything, just like every other child needs their mother, no matter what they do or what they are like. I never did anything to improve our relationship and be there for him, and honestly, I already gave up...”

  Regret clouded her features. “When I saw him strangle you...” Her eyes flickered away in shame. “That was a wake-up call for me. I realized the extent of my neglect and how terribly wrong I was. Hayden became the way he is because I didn’t try to help him. What’s worse is that I suspected why he is the way he is, yet I didn’t move a single finger to do something about his serious condition.”

  My mouth went dry, my heart pounding fast against my chest. “Condition?”

  She looked at me again. I was actually afraid of what might come out of her mouth next. “I sat down and had a long talk with Hayden. It was difficult for both of us, especially for him, but after Kayden’s death anniversary two weeks ago, it seems like something changed in him. He finally understood he has serious issues and can’t solve them on his own. He wanted to try to get better. He allowed me to help him, so we went together to see a psychiatrist and do a medical examination.”

  Her words made my hair stand on end. “I-Is he okay?”

  Her face gave me the answer I already knew. He was far from okay. “He has BPD.”

  “BPD?”

  “Borderline personality disorder.”

  “I’ve never heard of it.”

  “It is a serious mental disorder. People who have it are unable to manage emotions as we do.” She sighed. “I’ll try to explain it to you as simply as possible. In a nutshell, borderline personality disorder is marked by high emotional sensitivity, poor self image and self-esteem, and intense mood swings or displays of emotions.

  “People with BPD have constant feelings of emptiness and a big fear of abandonment, and they need a lot of reassurance that things are going to be okay. They can also have a strong need for attention or start huge fights over something insignificant. Then there is splitting—seeing the world in black and white.”

  I tried to comprehend all at once, connecting these facts with my image of Hayden. “Black and white?”

  “Yes. It’s like considering someone good or evil with nothing in between.”

  “I don’t understand what that means,” I said, exasperated.

  “Honey, it means there are no shades in between. Everything is either good or bad. So no matter how good a person actually is, if they do something negative—or maybe they didn’t do anything negative, but a person with BPD perceives it as such—they can split and label that person as bad.”

  I remembered the moment I met Hayden. I fell down and dropped the box, and he reacted in a negative way, acting as if I’d done something bad. Maybe he labeled me as bad since that very moment. Maybe that was the reason for his hatred from day one. Then Kayden lost his life to save him because of me. I could only imagine the extent of his hate toward me in that moment.

  “That is why one moment they can idolize you and consider you the best person in the world, but the next, if something goes wrong, comes devaluation,” Mrs. Black added.

  “How is that possible? I mean, people make mistakes, and that doesn’t mean they want to harm us.”

  As soon as I said this, I realized how hypocritical I was. The truth was that I felt the same as Hayden about people. Most of the times, I saw the world in black and white. After almost ten years of school bullying and betrayals—especially from those I’d considered friends—I stopped believing in people and their “shades.” Now, everyone could be my “enemy,” and I always tried to gauge if what they did was with the intention to harm me or not.

  “Their brains work differently, especially when it comes to controlling emotional responses, and it may be hard for them to have control over, for example, anger outbursts. When you have BPD, your emotions are too intense to think about other people’s emotions or the reasons behind their actions. Everything is heightened. Each emotion—love, hate, happiness, sadness...

  “Intensified love is amazing, because they can treat you like an angel. They can make you feel like you’re the most special, most loved person in the world. Add their possible impulsiveness in the mix, and you’re in for a pleasant surprise. On the other hand, if something goes bad, they can treat you like you’re the worst person they have ever met.”

  Each moment with Hayden flew through my mind. Each horrible thing he did, each sudden change in his behavior, each amplified emotion... Then there were the moments of affection, the passionate kisses and touches, and the times when I was pulled toward him in an inexplicable way... He rushed into my house to save me from Josh. He stayed by my side in the hospital...

  Through the fog, a fragment of my memory cleared. I could recall the moment I considered a dream, but it was real. He kissed me in this room. He was here, worried about me.

  “ I thought I lost you too ,” he’d said.

  I could never decipher him. Even now, when I knew about his disorder, I still couldn’t put the puzzle that was Hayden together.

  How did he feel about me? What was happening inside his head or his heart?

  “As I said, every emotion is heightened, and when I saw Hayden desperately wanting to be here with you and absolutely terrified to lose you... When I saw my boy’s eyes...” She sucked in a deep breath. “He completely lost hope, and I couldn’t reach him at all. Not until you stirred for the first time and woke up. Hayden looked like he was the happiest person alive. Such intensity of emotion was overwhelming.”

  What was she trying to say? It was so difficult to accept the fact that Hayden felt this way toward me.

  “Why are you telling me all of this?”

  “Do you have feelings for Hayden?”

  I flinched, taken aback by this sudden question. “What?”

  “I noticed it since the beginning, but at first, I wasn’t sure if my impression was right or not. I saw the way you looked at my son back then.” Her smile was tender, almost remorseful. “Mothers can easily see those things, just like I noticed the way Kayden looked at you.”

  I glanced the other way, ashamed and guilt-ridden.

  “Please, look at me. I’m not saying this to embarrass you or criticize you. I want to help you. I heard you saved Hayden from getting killed, and I can’t even express how grateful I am to you. I want to tell you that you don’t have any debt toward my family. If you did that out of guilt, then stop doing this to yourself, Sarah. As I told you a long time ago, Kayden’s death wasn’t your fault at all.”

  “Mrs. Carmen—“

  “No. Let me finish. As K
ayden’s mother, I feel I have to say this. I never blamed you for his death. Not even for a second. No matter what the circumstances that led to his death were, my son was the one who made the decision to save his brother. I told you before that nobody forced him to do that.”

  She took a hold of my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I’m sure Kayden wouldn’t want you to blame yourself your whole life or do things to repay that non-existent debt, such as saving Hayden at the cost of your life.” I closed my eyes to stop the tears.

  I wasn’t able to breathe evenly from the pressure in my chest. It became larger and larger, and I just wanted to be alone and cry. I didn’t want to talk about this. It was too raw and fresh...

  “Please, Mrs. Black... I-I didn’t do that because of guilt. I mean, feeling guilty was just one part of my decision to save Hayden, but most of all, I wanted to save him because—” I stopped, terrified to say those words. Somehow, saying them didn’t feel right. Not after everything Hayden had done.

  “I know.” Her eyes glistened with tears, and I realized how difficult everything was for her too. “That is why I’m telling you about Hayden’s condition. I know you love him, and I know you , Sarah. You aren’t the person for Hayden.”

  “W-What do you mean?”

  “Honey, you would never be able to be that person who would make him feel loved, secure, and strong, no matter how much you love him. He needs someone with control, mental strength, and stability. His condition isn’t something temporary. Even with treatment, it can last his whole life. His partner needs to be strong and capable of bearing Hayden’s hell.”

  Despite everything, her words angered me. Maybe I didn’t want to be that strong person in Hayden’s life anymore, but she didn’t have the right to judge Hayden or me like this and declare us a failure before anything had even begun.

  “You don’t know that,” I blurted out. “Yes, I’m weak and I have a lack of self-esteem. I have many issues and insecurities, but if I fight to become stronger and better—if we both do—we could conquer everything—“

  “Sarah,” she interrupted me. The broken look on her face killed everything in me. “Don’t do this to yourself. There is no hope for you and Hayden. It would be too toxic for both of you. Get away from it while you still have a chance. Go away while you still have your sanity.” She took a deep breath, shaking visibly.