by Vera Hollins
Jessica moved to the other side of my bed and hugged me, careful not to hurt me. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”
Melissa stopped next to Jessica and took my hand. “How are you holding up?”
“I’m okay. All thanks to you guys.”
“I couldn’t even imagine Natalie would be this crazy,” Jessica said. “I knew she was bad, but this? Trying to kill you? That’s sick. She’s as crazy as Josh!”
“Why did she do this?” Melissa asked me.
I told them what happened with Josh and mentioned it was Natalie who had conspired with him to kill me as a part of her revenge. I had to tell Melissa and Mateo about Kayden and my role in the car accident, so they could understand the whole story. They were shocked, to say the least.
I still couldn’t come to terms that Josh had tried to kill me and Hayden, but to see Natalie come here, of all places, was even more difficult to grasp. It was outrageous.
Jessica was particularly surprised by Hayden’s role on Saturday evening, wondering what had made him come to my rescue. I couldn’t tell her the real reason, though; not when Mateo was here.
And Mateo... Oh, I felt awful that he had to witness and hear all of that. We hadn’t even had our first kiss, but here he was—staying by my side despite all the mess that was my life.
What was he thinking about me now? Did he regret coming here?
I wouldn’t blame him. My difficult past wasn’t something I should’ve bothered him with.
It didn’t take long for the doctor to arrive. He assured me the injury to my neck wouldn’t leave long-term consequences and left us to talk with the police officers, who had come in the meantime and took our statements. I hated that I had to go through this ordeal again and involve my friends, but at least Natalie would get punished for all the things she’d done.
The officers went on their way, and the atmosphere in the room became somewhat lighter. Jessica had already picked up Mateo’s bouquet from the floor and put the flowers in the vase the nurse had brought her.
“I hope you like it,” Mateo said, and tears welled in my eyes. The bouquet was huge, filled with various beautiful flowers of different colors, small wooden decorations, and glittery dust sprinkled all over it. It was one of the prettiest flower arrangements I’d ever seen.
This was the first time I’d ever received flowers, and even if they had been the simplest flowers put together without any arrangement at all, I would’ve loved it. I was touched.
I looked at my new friends, and my heart inflated with happiness. I’d gained so much in such a short time. Just one month ago, I didn’t have anyone, but now I had Jessica, Melissa, and Mateo. They were here, and they cared about me.
That was some progress, right? No matter how long this would last or wherever we were going to be tomorrow, all that mattered was here and now, and having them here was more than enough for me.
“I’m sorry for worrying you,” I told them.
“Come on, girl! What are friends for?” Melissa said. “I promise we’ll throw a party when you get out of the hospital. Just you wait. Things will be amazing when I organize them, just like me.” She winked at me, and I laughed, wondering how I could’ve misjudged her so much in the beginning. She was one of the best people I’d ever met.
The morning flew by with them. At noon, Melissa had to go to work, and Jessica decided to leave with her.
“How about you?” Melissa asked Mateo, who didn’t stand up from his chair next to my bed.
“I’ll stay here for a little while.” He smirked at me. “If that’s okay with you.” We all grew quiet, and I could feel my cheeks heating. I would stay all alone with Mateo...
“Of course. I...” I swallowed, willing myself to say how I really felt. “I’d like that.”
Melissa exchanged a knowing look with Jessica, and I already knew they would press me for details later. They waved at us and scurried out of the room, leaving us in sudden silence. I cleared my throat.
“Once again, thank you for helping me. You were always nice to me, and that means a lot.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I would do it again, but let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, okay?” He winked at me. “How do you feel?”
“I’m okay. I’m still a bit shocked, I think. I experienced first-hand how twisted Natalie is a long time ago, but I never thought she would come here and actually attempt to kill me... It feels weird saying someone tried to kill me... Anyway, I’m fine now.”
To my surprise, he took my hand and cradled it between his own, and my eyes fell on his hands. I followed the lines of his fingers, strong knuckles, and prominent veins that went up and under the sleeves of his shirt, and I couldn’t help but compare them to Hayden’s. Hayden had long and straight fingers, while Mateo had short fingers with small bulges in the mid section. Hayden’s palm was long, while Mateo’s resembled a square.
I continued to compare, and then I realized I should stop doing that. Hayden should stay in the past, but I was still letting him come into my present. I had to live in this moment. Mateo deserved more than this.
“Sarah, you’re definitely something else. You survived two murder attempts, and you’re still positive. You’re amazing.” I didn’t know how to respond to that, embarrassment coloring my cheeks. “From the first moment I saw you, something pulled me to you. You were so shy and quiet, which was refreshing.”
I bit into my lip, unsure if I liked what he’d just said. “Refreshing?”
“Yes. There are so many girls who hit on me when they see me, but not you. You were reserved, which only made me more curious about you.”
“So you want me because I’m a challenge?” There I went with my bitterness and mistrust. Sarah, he doesn’t deserve this.
“I’m sorry. It did sound like that. No, you aren’t a challenge. I mean, I always wanted to get closer to you, but I never wanted to pressure you.” He brought my hand to his mouth and kissed it, leaving me open-mouthed.
“The way you looked at me when I was about to kiss you at Melissa’s party... So cute.” His light brown eyes hardened. “But then that asshole turned up and ruined everything.”
“I’m really sorry for what Hayden did. I still feel awful about it.”
“You don’t have to apologize. It wasn’t your fault.”
“But you got involved into all this mess and—“
“And I don’t regret a single thing.” He kissed my hand again, his seductive eyes locked on mine. I was excited but also afraid of the unknown.
“You’re vulnerable now, and I don’t want to use this situation to get closer to you. I want to be with you, but I’ll be patient and wait until you recover.”
Was he for real? Did such nice, understanding guys really exist? He was such a sweetheart.
“There’s just one thing I need to know,” he said with a guarded expression on his face. “Are you sure there is nothing between this guy, Hayden, and you?”
Oh. I looked at my lap, reflecting on what happened with Hayden these last few days. I’d already made my decision. It was painful, and it scared the hell out of me, but it was the right one because I couldn’t handle Hayden now.
I had the right to be happy, and no matter how good and happy I felt during those unexpected, precious moments with Hayden, it wasn’t enough. The tiny fragments of utter happiness weren’t enough to annul the years of sorrow and grief.
He wanted to change, but I couldn’t know how long his decision would last. One day, one week, or forever? Mrs. Black said his condition could last for the rest of his life, which meant he would always have to fight it, just like his father. Oh God. His father.
His issues couldn’t be solved overnight. He needed to change, but was that possible?
I loved him, and I wanted him happy, even if it meant we were separated. Maybe that was for the best. We needed space, and he needed to treat his condition, so being with him wouldn’t be good for him.
Right?
Oh, I could only
hope I was right. I had to give Mateo a chance. I couldn’t keep coming back to that old darkness that was Hayden.
I met his gaze. “There is nothing between Hayden and me. He doesn’t matter.” Wrong. I ignored that silent, terrifying voice. “I-I can’t wait to get better so we could... You know...” I smiled, not sure what to call us.
He got up from the chair and sat next to me on the bed. He took my face in his hands, flashing me his pearly smile. He even had dimples in his cheeks. I had to give whatever was going on between us a chance. I had to.
“Remember, I don’t want to push you. Okay?” He inched closer to me, and I stopped breathing. “If there is anything you don’t want or like, tell me.”
His lips were so close to mine, and I was sure he could hear the loud thumping of my heart. I wanted him to kiss me. No, I needed him to kiss me so I could be certain that this was the right thing. I needed to forget. I needed that happiness, and Mateo was so nice...
His soft lips grazed mine and pressed against them softly. He took his time playing with my lips, and I couldn’t help but remember Hayden’s urgency when he kissed me. The way his searing kiss made me incapable of thinking, leaving me breathless. Mateo reached inside my mouth gently, and I recalled Hayden’s fierceness and possessiveness. There was nothing possessive in the way Mateo kissed. Mateo’s kiss was too sweet.
I had to stop comparing them. I was kissing Mateo, and the way Hayden kissed me didn’t matter. Hayden didn’t matter.
He leaned away, looking at me like I was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. “This was amazing. Can I have more?” I couldn’t help but smile. I was completely inexperienced, and I didn’t know if I could kiss well or not, but it was nice knowing he wanted more.
I initiated the kiss this time. The way our lips moved seemed like a slow dance, and it felt soothing. I laced my fingers through his curly hair, and the image of my fingers roaming through Hayden’s short hair flashed through my mind. Mateo placed his hands on my waist, which brought me back to this moment. I had to forget Hayden... Mateo was here, and he was touching me like he really cared about me—
A loud thud ripped through the air, and I jerked away from Mateo at the unexpected sound. I was rooted to the spot when I found Hayden at the door, who was staring at us like he couldn’t believe his eyes.
I noticed a paper bag dropped in front of him, along with the notebook and the pencils that had slid out of it. My eyes fell on an envelope laying next to the notebook. What was he doing with these things?
Hayden stomped inside and crossed the room in three big strides. He grabbed Mateo by his shirt collar using his right hand.
“What the fuck do you think you are doing?”
“Hayden!” I attempted to get up, but the sharp pain in my back prevented me from moving. “Leave him alone!”
Since Hayden was injured and couldn’t use his left arm that was in a sling, Mateo could easily remove his hand from his collar and push him away. “Get off me, asshole.”
Hayden glared at me. “You! You’re such a slut, kissing this dickhead and—“ Mateo punched him in his face, causing him to stumble.
“Mateo! Stop! Don’t fight!” I had to get up. I gave my best to ignore the pain as I pushed my legs off the bed, but I was drained. I clung to the medical equipment standing next to my bed, my legs unsteady.
“Sarah, don’t get up! You’re hurt.” Mateo caught me before I lost my balance.
I could barely look at Hayden, hurt by the betrayed look on his face. Why did he come back?
“So you’re with this dick now? Kissing him just like that?”
I had to do this. I didn’t know what this thing between Mateo and me was, but I couldn’t let Hayden destroy it. Not that too. Enough. “And so what if I am? I have the right to do whatever I want or be with whomever I want.”
Hayden stepped closer to me, but Mateo immediately shielded me. “Make one more step, and I’ll beat you to a pulp,” he hissed. It seemed that Mateo’s warning was effective, because Hayden drew back, looking at us like we were his worst enemies.
“So after everything, you’re going to be with this shit who just wants to get into your pants?”
Mateo launched at him, but I managed to keep him in place, gripping his upper arm. “Please, Mateo. Don’t let him provoke you.” I looked at Hayden through my teary eyes. His eyes... Oh God, his eyes were filled with such hatred and sorrow.
A heavy weight settled in my stomach, everything in me screaming not to say my next words.
“What I do with Mateo is none of your concern. I already told you. I can’t forgive you. I could never forgive you. I want to be far away from you, Hayden.” I tried my best to feign my feelings. I couldn’t let Hayden see just how much these words hurt me—just how much I wanted things to be different. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t shed a tear as I pushed these cruel words out of me, masking the indifference. “I don’t care about you. So go away and don’t come near me again.”
I willed myself to return his burning stare and withstand the pain that was crushing me on the inside, a deep voice inside of me claiming this was all wrong. I couldn’t stand the way he looked at me, like I’d destroyed everything in him. I had to remind myself that he was my bully, my enemy, my unreasonable love... However, life was everything but black and white. It would be perfect to have a switch that could turn off our emotions and make our brains rule over every situation, but that was what human beings were—imperfect.
Right now, my heart wanted to bleed out, begging me to go to him and tell him everything was going to be all right. It begged me to do something to make the fear that was evident in his eyes go away. It begged me to remember there could be much more between us only if I let it happen... Despite knowing Hayden could bring me a huge amount of pain, there was always the slightest possibility that he could make me the happiest person alive.
I closed my eyes, refusing to listen to my stupid heart. Maybe Hayden deserved a chance at redemption, but it was too late for us.
Taking a deep breath, I met Hayden’s gaze. I had to pull myself together. I would be okay. I was falling apart now, but I would be better. I had to be.
Hayden’s face was completely blank now, and his eyes didn’t show anything anymore. He’d shut himself off, returning into his old shell that made me feel like we were so far away from each other. He looked at Mateo, noticing his arm placed around my waist, and slowly returned his eyes to mine.
“I was right about you, after all. You’re a heartless, cold bitch. I was so stupid thinking you were different. I was stupid for coming here today.” He took a step backward, separating himself more from me. “You don’t deserve anything but pain. You can forget about everything I said to you last night. You can forget about that Hayden because you’ll never see him again. You want to be with this dickhead? Fucking suit yourself, bitch. From this day on, you don’t exist for me anymore.”
And just like that, he rushed out of the room and slammed the door shut.
My legs failed me, but Mateo managed to catch me before I fell on the floor. “Sarah! Easy.”
He helped me lie back down and tucked me in. I closed my eyes, pressing my forearm against my face, and finally burst into tears. Being free of Hayden was all I ever wanted... So why did I feel this searing pain?
“Don’t cry. That jerk doesn’t deserve your tears.” He narrowed his eyes. “I can’t believe him. Seriously, you shouldn’t have stopped me. I should’ve smashed his face for all the disgusting things he said to you—“
“Mateo,” I interrupted him weakly. I couldn’t even listen to him. All I felt was sorrow, which drowned me more and more, and I felt so lost. I hurt Hayden. I hurt both of us.
I made the right choice, but why did it hurt so much?
“I’m sorry, but can you go now? I need to be alone.”
“Sarah—”
“Mateo, please. I want to be alone. Please, leave me alone.” I couldn’t stand having anyone by my side at the moment, least of
all Mateo. I desperately wanted to be alone. I couldn’t think straight at the moment...
“But, you aren’t all right. That asshole was—”
“Please!” I cast him a pleading gaze. Right now, I needed a lot of space. I needed to forget. “I want to be alone now.” I looked away, feeling ashamed, but my shame was nothing compared to the devastation in me after my separation from Hayden. As if last night wasn’t enough, I had to go through this pain again.
Hayden returned even though I told him it was too late for us.
I swallowed my hot tears. It didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t.
Mateo put the contents of Hayden’s bag back inside and placed the bag on the nightstand next to my bed. “I’ll just leave this here, okay?” he said. “I’ll go now.”
He covered my hand once again, but I didn’t react. We kissed just a few minutes ago, but I couldn’t feel happy about it anymore. I knew I had to pull myself together before this thing with Mateo went any further, but right now I couldn’t battle this darkness. I wasn’t strong enough, and I didn’t want Mateo to witness that.
I just nodded at him and watched him walk away. He opened the door and glanced at me, offering me a smile of comfort, but I couldn’t return it. He left the room, and a searing pain clutched me, leaving me more miserable than ever.
I was shaking and sobbing, cursing my life and all this blackness that surrounded me. I felt like one tiny step I made forward was destroyed with a dozen steps backward, and all I could feel was the poison that was killing me fast.
I took the bag from the nightstand and looked at its contents, shuddering. My heart contracted painfully when I realized that he’d brought me a sketch pad, which had a special type of paper that allowed for better sketching. I opened the cover and found Hayden’s message on the first page.
“I suck when it comes to gifts, but it can get boring in hospitals, so I thought you would want to draw something while you’re here.
Hayden.”
Oh my God. I cried out in pain. My hands were cold as I picked up the graphite and watercolor pencils from the bottom of the bag. He knew. He knew exactly how I drew, and he knew what I would need.