by Vera Hollins
He brought this for me. He never gave me anything, but now he’d given me this, and it was so precious. It was small, but it meant everything.
The pressure built in my chest and head, and I couldn’t fight off the nausea. It was too much.
The last thing in the bag was the letter I saw on the floor earlier. I took a deep breath, terrified to open it. Somehow, I felt it would be my undoing.
Gathering my last particle of strength, I took the envelope in my quivering hands and opened it. I unfolded the long sheet of paper and stared at the written words through my tears.
“It’s difficult for me to explain how the devastating darkness feels, so I wrote this poem for you. I’m not asking for forgiveness. You already said you won’t ever be able to forgive me. I just wanted to give you a glimpse into my deranged world.
I’m sorry.
Everlasting Black and White
A long time ago, my dearest brother was only mine,
But then you arrived, brought turmoil, and became his greatest shine.
One regretful day he died and left havoc, darkness, and pain,
All of a sudden, I lost my twin; I lost my everything.
You were there, the light on my terrifying road, the sweet toxin in my veins,
But you got lost, too, in the darkness that took me away.
Without you I’m lost, but with you I’m crushed,
You’re my everlasting sorrow and my sweetest rush.
I hurt you, and my heart and bones break,
But it doesn’t matter because I’m taking my easy way out of the pain.
The limitless hole in my heart threw me into a suffocating despair,
I drowned, and there was no more peace, only an eternal nightmare.
There was no more fight, sanity or hope; just hatred, vengeance and death,
How could I believe there was light when he had taken his last breath?
You were the darkness that ripped my heart out,
And it came to destroying you or destroying me.
Without you I’m lost, but with you I’m crushed,
You’re my everlasting sorrow and my sweetest rush.
I hurt you, and my heart and bones break,
But it doesn’t matter because I’m taking my easy way out of the pain.
On the day of his funeral I couldn’t feel anything.
But two years later, the pain became excruciating.
I realized your death would be the death of me,
But it didn’t matter anymore that you were my key.
I was in the middle of nothingness; saying sorry was far too late,
I guess being together with you after everything wasn’t my fate.
Without you I’m lost, but with you I’m crushed,
You’re my everlasting sorrow and my sweetest rush.
I hurt you, and my heart and bones break,
But it doesn’t matter that I love you, because after everything I’ve done...
...It does sound fake.”
Afterword
IMPORTANT BPD DISCLAIMER :
Hayden isn’t a representation of all people with borderline personality disorder, and this author’s intention wasn’t to portray this disorder or people with BPD in a negative way. Each person with BPD is different and may react differently in the same or similar situations. Hayden is just one person with this disorder whose own life circumstances played a role in some of his actions.
BEING BULLIED MAKES you feel alone. You’re trapped inside a cage with no way out. You bleed from hurt, and you feel like the whole world is covered in darkness. You want to escape—to find some way toward the end of the tunnel—but you don't know how. You hope someday that the torture will pass. You truly hope.
You feel weak and you want to fight, but you just can't. You are so afraid—afraid that fighting back might make things worse, afraid that the next step will lead you into a trap, afraid of insults and pain. You fear people, and you hate yourself. You want to fit in badly, and you need friends. You try so hard to be who you are not, just to be with people you can call friends... And you lose yourself.
Ignoring it won't help. Pretending to be someone you aren’t won't help. Hoping for others to save you is not a solution.
Be who you are. Accept who you are. Fight for who you are. There is no greater misery than when we can't be true to ourselves. Don't spread hate, violence, and negativity. Hate creates more hate. Violence creates more violence. Negativity ruins everything.
You’re the only one who can save yourself. There is the light at the end of the tunnel; you just have to keep walking no matter what.
You’re strong. No matter what others say—you’re beautiful. You are you.
WHEN I STARTED WRITING Bullied , my main goal was to create characters that grow stronger and better over time, despite their bad circumstances. I wanted to show there was light in the midst of darkness, which is one of the themes of this love story.
I'm interested in the bullying trope and the psychology behind it, so that was what set this particular plot in motion. Why are people bullied? What makes people bullies? There are so many reasons, and I did my best to depict the emotions bullied people and their bullies feel. Fear, hopelessness, low self-esteem, and twisted self-image—all these can be possible consequences of the long-time exposure to bullying, but at the same time, these are the same things some bullies feel, which can make them lash out and hurt others.
Sarah may be weak when it comes to standing up for herself, but she has an inner strength that keeps her going no matter what. I hope her character can inspire people to keep going, even when it feels like there is absolutely no light around them.
As for Hayden, we see a different side of him as the story progressed, and we learn about his life with untreated BPD. We see that he is so much more than a heartless, evil person, which just shows that bullies can also be victims. Bullies are victims of their own minds.
This story is about the bullied, bullies, and people who struggle with mental issues. It poses questions about whether Hayden deserves Sarah’s forgiveness and whether they should be together or not. Everyone deserves love, care, and understanding, and while Hayden's actions are inexcusable, I believe he deserves redemption.
Acknowledgments
WHEN I WROTE Bullied for NaNoWriMo 2016 and started posting it online, I hoped with all my heart that it would find a way to its readers’ hearts. I never imagined there would be so many people who would grow to love it and its characters. Now, almost three years later, I’m finally able to make my dream of publishing it come true, and it’s all thanks to many people who have been supporting me along the way.
I would like to begin by thanking Milica. Thank you so much for being the best friend a person could wish for. Thank you for listening to me talk about Bullied , its characters, and its sequels all the time, and for helping me when I felt unsure about some parts. You know how much I love you, right?
One huge, gigantic, enormous thank you to Amanda. I think luck struck me the moment you decided to message me about my books. I can’t thank you enough for all of your help with self-publishing (seriously, thank you for your super patience with my countless questions!), support, and kindness you’ve showed me. You’re an amazing human being.
A. L. O., thank you for being one of Bullied ’s first readers and for all your supportive comments. My writing journey was much easier with you there.
I also want to thank my editor Bethany Salminen for doing an amazing job with edits. Your suggestions were very helpful. Also, I’m grateful to my beta readers Soumya R. Saral, Estelle Hooper, Selia, Kayleigh Young, K.G., and Manaar A. Mohammed. Your responses helped me to shape Bullied into a better story.
Huge thanks to my readers from Wattpad, who have been following my writing journey since 2016. You’ve been supporting me all this time and helping me make my dreams come true. And thank YOU, my dear reader, for picking up this book. Your support means so much to me.
Last but no
t least, thank you so much, Rasha, for always being there for me, for your understanding, and for believing in my dream of becoming a published author. You’re the light of my life.
About the Author
Vera Hollins is the author of the Bullied series, which has amassed over 30 million reads online since 2016. She loves writing emotional, dark, and angsty love stories that deal with heartbreak, mental and social issues, and finding light in darkness.
She’s been writing since she was nine, and before she knew it, it became her passion and life. She particularly likes coffee, bunnies, angsty romance, and anti-heroes. When she’s not writing, you can find her reading, plotting her next book with as many twists as possible, and playing with her bunny.
Read more at Vera Hollins’s site .