Bookmark Days

by Scot Gardner

  ‘Be careful.’

  She saluted and walked off.

  The trucker’s cap was gone.

  ‘Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Billy Cane and this is the Long Road band and we’re here to keep you smiling.’

  There was a loud cheer and the showgrounds filled with music. Fiddle and guitar, banjo and drums. The hair prickled on my neck and if I hadn’t been so earth-bound by the mess of thoughts in my head, I would have been like the rest of the crowd, jumping about and screaming.

  I stood there for a long time, just observing as if I wasn’t really there. As if I was watching it all on some wraparound big screen. My feet were already hurting. I didn’t want to be Avril Louise Stanton the Observer any more. I wanted to be in there with those people line-dancing in a big, wobbly square right in front of the stage. I wanted to be holding hands and spinning around like the little kids. I wanted an arm over my shoulder and I wanted to bump into that arm and just not care. I was sick of being lonely and I was sick of being me.

  An area behind the stage had been cordoned off with plastic tape. I could just make out the forms of the pyrotechnics guys getting ready for the grand finale.

  ‘Not bad, hey?’ came a voice right in my ear.

  I jumped and he was there. All big eyes and cheeky grin, Nathaniel had his arms crossed over his chest in a totally natural bumpkin kind of way. I wanted to grab him and kiss him. I wanted to dance and shout yeehaa and whistle, but I also wanted to die, and while those feelings battled it out inside my head I just stood there, smiling like a dingbat, totally unable to talk.

  We stood there frozen for the best part of a song and then Nathaniel shifted feet. I thought he was going to leave. Inside I was screaming ‘Nooooooo!’ but my paralysis was too strong. I couldn’t get a word out. Luckily, he didn’t leave.

  The song ended and Nathaniel clapped and cheered with the rest of the crowd.

  I finally found my voice. ‘Wooooooohooooo!’

  Just pretend he’s family.

  Finally, my limbs reconnected to my body and I was really there. I was jumping up and down and punching at the air and when Nathaniel shouted ‘Do you want to dance?’ and held out his hand, I took it and we slipped through the crowd towards the stage.

  ‘I don’t know how to dance,’ I confessed.

  He shrugged. ‘Me neither. There aren’t any rules, are there?’

  I shrugged back. ‘Not unless you’re doing the military thing,’ I yelled, and nodded at the troop of big-hatted line-dancers.

  ‘Not me,’ he said.

  The music started and he dropped my hand but I didn’t care because he was right there. He was looking at the ground but I didn’t care about that either because I was looking at the ground too. If he was looking at the ground then it meant he wasn’t looking right at me. At least he wouldn’t see what sort of a fool I made of myself dancing, we’d just be together. I let the music wash over me like the rain that ended the drought. My body moved as if it knew what it was doing. I sneaked peeks at the band and the crowd. I even stole a hundred and twenty-seven or so glances at the guy in the trucker’s cap. At the end of the song, we went wild with the rest of them and stood so close I could feel him breathing on the skin of my neck. I turned into one big goosebump. I didn’t care if he noticed, in fact some part of me hoped he did. See what you’re doing to me, Hot Breath?

  In the hour that followed we just kind of melted together. Our dancing got sillier and sillier. I watched him and laughed when he went through his repertoire of ancient rock-and-roll moves. I couldn’t match him but I mimed farm animals in time to the music. He had to stop with his hands on his knees after I cut a lap around him flapping like a chicken.

  I hoped those fireworks would never come, but I knew they probably would.

  ‘For those of you who remember what recess time is, that’s where you nick out behind the shelter sheds for a smoke or a wee, well, it’s recess time now and we’ll be back in a little while. You’ve been a fantastic audience and we lerrrrve you!’

  We clapped, and when we were done, Nathaniel rested his arm on my shoulder. ‘That was awesome, Avril, thanks. You want a drink?’

  ‘Um, sure.’

  ‘I’d offer you beer but I don’t have one of those tag things on my arm so it’ll have to be soft drink, okay?’

  Katie. My heart wobbled in my chest. Maybe it wobbled all the way up to my face because Nathaniel looked at me strangely.

  ‘You okay?’

  ‘Yes, I’m supposed to be looking after my cousin. I . . . I probably should go check on her.’

  ‘Okay,’ he said, nodding. ‘How about I meet you right here when you’re done. What sort of drink did you want?’

  ‘Lemon, thanks. Thank you.’ I grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

  ‘No worries,’ he said. ‘See you right here.’

  ‘Right here.’

  Katie hadn’t moved from the beer tent. I’d noticed the tags Nathaniel was talking about – fluorescent yellow wristbands that signified an age check had been done and the wearer was good to buy alcohol – but I didn’t notice Katie had one until she came up to hug me. She was all loose-limbed and awkward. She butted into me and kissed my cheek. She squeezed my bum through my dress.

  ‘Finally!’ she slurred. ‘My cousin made it to the party! Everybody! Hey! Shoosh! Listen to me, you faggots, this is my cousin, Avril, and if any of youse hurt her then you’ll have to answer to me! Got it? Avril, this is everybody.’

  Nobody was listening, or if they were, they didn’t acknowledge her. Then a man in a black dress shirt and jeans arrived with a double handful of drinks.

  ‘Here he is! Avvie, this is Daniel. Dan, this is my cousin Avril.’

  The guy nodded. He smiled but his mouth was crooked. ‘You want a drink?’

  ‘No, I’m fine. Thanks.’

  ‘Oh, come on, Cuz, loosen up!’

  ‘Good,’ Daniel said. ‘I just waited ten minutes in the queue and if you want one you’ll have to get it yourself!’

  Katie laughed at his limp joke and took one of the drinks from his hand. He passed the others to friends and when there was only his drink left, he slipped his free arm over my cousin’s shoulder and pulled her close.

  Katie kissed his cheek and rested her hand on his stomach.

  Something about the scene made me feel sick. Maybe it was the smell, all dregs and crushed grass. Maybe it was Katie with her partially disengaged brain. Maybe it was the fact that the guy with his arm around my sixteen-year-old cousin was probably close to thirty.

  One of Daniel’s mates yelled his name. While he was distracted, I got as close as I could to Katie.

  ‘Are you okay?’

  She laughed. ‘Of course! You’re such a control freak. Stop being my mum. Have a beer.’

  ‘I don’t want a beer. I just want to know that you’re safe.’

  Daniel looked me straight in the face. ‘She’s safe, cousin. We’re just having a bit of fun, aren’t we, Karen?’

  ‘My name’s Katie, you idiot!’ she said, and slapped his stomach.

  ‘Sorry, sorry. I knew that.’

  ‘Come on, Av. Stay,’ Katie said. ‘Have a drink. We can hook you up with one of Dan’s mates. Where’s Steve? Steve!’

  ‘No thanks.’

  ‘Come on!’ she said again. ‘You can’t stay a virgin for ever.’

  Dan’s eyes lit up. ‘Serious?’

  ‘Yeah, she lives on a farm, don’t you Av? Av? Where you going?’

  Nathaniel was waiting exactly where he’d said he would. He’d managed to steal a haybale from somewhere to use as a seat. He wriggled to one side and handed me a can.

  ‘Everything okay?’

  I cracked the can and drank half of it in one go. Shook my head.

  ‘Do you need to go? I’m fine if you have to. I mean, I’m having a great time and I don’t want you to go but I completely understand if you need to go and look after your cousin and that. That’s fine with me. Honest. I
guess they can be little pains at times though I don’t know for real because I don’t have any cousins or anything like that. I . . .’

  ‘Shhh,’ I said. I patted his knee then burped quietly into my hand.

  ‘Sorry. Bit hyped up. How old’s your cousin?’

  ‘Sixteen.’

  ‘Serious? I thought she was little.’

  ‘Big. She’s big. Big trouble.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘She’s got one of those wrist tags.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘She’s quite drunk.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Some guy who could be thirty is all over her.’

  ‘I see. Do you want me to . . . you know . . . go and get her or something? I could do that.’

  I looked at him. He was serious. Suddenly I was confused again and my guts were churning. Do I get in there and rescue someone who doesn’t really want to be rescued? Do I mess up this highlighter-blue moment of my life to preserve my cousin’s almost non-existent dignity? I realised that it wasn’t just highlighter blue. Whatever I decided, this day, this evening, this hour would leave a permanent crease. Every time the book falls open from now on, it will open to this page.

  ‘What’s the worst thing that could happen?’ Nathaniel asked.

  ‘I don’t want to think about it.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes.’

  There was a rumble of thunder in the middle distance. Now my emotions were affecting the weather. Maybe I was a control freak. Maybe I was trying to be her mum but that’s who I am. I’m not going to apologise for that.

  The band was gradually reappearing on stage and somehow that seemed to complicate things further. I knew as soon as they started playing I’d want to get up and do more dingbat impersonations for Nathaniel, but could I? With a head full of ugly thoughts about the fate of my cousin, could I still have fun kicking up dust with random body movements?

  Apparently so. The band fired up. Nathaniel took my hand and towed me back into the lake of bodies, and I didn’t drown. Thoughts of Katie sank and all that was left floating was that hot guy with the rolled-up sleeves and me. He was looking at my face now, and I was returning his smile. It was as though we’d been friends for ages and I guess we could have been. Being neighbours must count for something, even though we’d never really had a conversation until tonight. We knew where we both lived. We’d met each other’s parents. We’d probably drunk rainwater that fell from the same clouds. But none of that really counted for much until we danced. I’d stopped thinking of him as family.

  The band was on fire. Not literally, but every new song seemed like a gift better than the last. They played covers, mostly, stuff I knew the words to. They did country versions of rock classics that had the audience in a frenzy. At the end of each track, Nathaniel seemed to get closer. He bumped me, so I bumped him back. He rested his hand on my shoulder, body bent with mock exhaustion, so I patted his back. He accidentally elbowed me in the boob.

  His face went a funny shade of purple under the stage lights. ‘Sorry,’ he said sharply.

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I said, but my voice came out all wrong. Sounded like I was thanking him for a present.

  ‘Are your feet sore?’ he asked.

  ‘A bit.’

  ‘Take your shoes off.’

  ‘No, it’s fine.’

  ‘I’ll take mine off, too, so your toes will be in less danger of becoming roadkill.’

  I squeaked a laugh. That was when I noticed my shoes, my feet and my legs up to my knees were covered in dust. Couldn’t see my nail polish any more. Nathaniel had already toed his boots off and was stuffing his black socks into them. I tore my own shoes off. I can’t begin to describe the bliss of having my bare feet on the squashed grass. My toes were doing little digging dances of their own. The straps left marks. There was a blister behind my little toes on both sides and I’d never been more proud of blisters in my life. I hoped they never went down. I hoped they scarred to leave yet another reminder of this magic night.

  During the next song, the heavens opened.

  CHAPTER 11

  The lights and the music had blinded us to the fact that a storm was on its way. Six big drops fell, then somewhere way above us a dam burst. The band, protected by the cover of the trailer-stage, kept playing, but most of the dancers fled like lambs to the remaining marquees. Nathaniel stopped dancing and held his palms to the sky. He wore a perfect smile-frown and I knew how he was feeling. I’d seen enough empty dams to know that rain is always welcome, even on our night of nights. Give me a flood over a drought any day. I was hot and sweaty and the big fat drops cut through my dress like I’d just stepped into the shower with my clothes on. For a split second I really was concerned my new dress and shoes would be ruined by the downpour but Nathaniel took my hands and we stomped and spun and splashed like a couple of mad little kids. If I was a control freak before, I was a picture of total abandon now. There were only a few damp stragglers left to mash the last of the dust into mud on the dancing arena. We pranced around and when the rain got even harder and the dirty puddles turned to little rivers, we started kicking and splashing it at each other.

  ‘Nathaniel!’ someone shouted between songs and above the dull roar of the rain.

  Nathaniel’s head snapped around. Standing on the edge of the crowd huddled under the marquee was Les Junior, his eyes narrowed but otherwise expressionless. Next to him stood a tanned, blonde woman – Nathaniel’s mother at a guess. Les beckoned Nathaniel with a terse nod.

  ‘I’d . . . better go,’ he said.

  No. No. No.

  ‘I’ll be back, promise.’

  He ran to his father. Junior just stared at me as if he’d never seen a girl before. I stared right back until a smiling fat kid with wet tracksuit pants and big bum-crack kicked a heap of muddy water at my head. I squealed and retaliated with a stomping attack that sent him scurrying backwards. He tripped on his daggy pants and hit the water bum-first, creating a mini tidal wave and an even bigger wave of laughter from the marquee.

  In a sense, the fat kid saved me. I offered him my hand. He took it but didn’t really use it as he struggled to his feet. He saved me from bobbing alone on that inland sea. He saved me from having to decide if I was going to keep dancing in the mud without Nathaniel or . . . or I didn’t know what else I would do.

  Nathaniel ran past and collected his boots.

  Don’t go. Not now. Don’t just leave without saying goodbye.

  But he didn’t. He sloshed across to me and he looked angry. Not just a little bit angry, his eyes were pinched and his jaw muscles clenched. For a moment I thought he was angry with me, but he glanced over my shoulder to where his dad was probably still standing and bared his teeth.

  When he looked back at me he was smiling sadly.

  ‘I have to go,’ he said.

  I nodded and looked at our wet feet in the slush.

  ‘We should . . .’ he said. ‘I . . . I had a brilliant night. I only wish it . . .’

  I hugged him. There was nothing like new shoes about our hug. Nathaniel hugged me back and there was nothing shy or weird about it, either. Felt like a family hug but then it was a whole lot more than that. It was the sort of closeness that instantly seared itself into my mind, leaving an imprint that I knew I’d feel for days, weeks, months, years after. More permanent than blisters.

  ‘Nathaniel!’ There was a screechy edge to his father’s voice. It cut through the wet air like a harvester blade.

  And then he was gone.

  The fat kid had only delayed the inevitable. The band members were dragging their equipment towards the back of the truck and out of the rain, but they kept playing. The air crackled and barked with thunder. I collected my shoes. The hug was still on my skin and it felt more like the end of a song than the end of the music altogether. Maybe a dance and a hug was all I needed to crack through that wall of self-doubt. Right then, standing barefoot in the rain, I felt I’d never be shy a
gain. I’d been closer to Nathaniel than anyone else in my life outside my family – and suddenly the whole world seemed closer and friendlier. I stood there and smiled as the fat kid did belly-slides on the grass. He created a sizeable bow wave and soon had a crew of kids diving in his wake. I realised it was the adults who ran and hid when the rain came down. The kids saw it as just another fun thing. Perhaps I was more little kid than I liked to admit.

  I suddenly had the sensation that my whole body had licked one of those little square batteries. It was a tingle at first then an ache in my joints. I’d only just had time to realise that something wasn’t right when the world exploded.

  CHAPTER 12

  There was a bright light, a deafening roar I could hear with the soles of my feet, then the darkness freckled electrical blue. I fell to my knees and put my hands over my head, but I didn’t die.

  It took a few seconds for my head to stop ringing and for my brain to find a gear. Something had been hit by lightning. Something very close by. So close I felt it in my bones. When I got to my feet again, the only light in the showgrounds was the strobing from the sky – the music had stopped and the electricity had gone out. The darkness between flashes was cruel and deep and I held my breath until the world lit up again.

  Now that they were the only human noise, the crowds under the marquee sounded crazed and desperate. Some of the kids who had been laughing ten seconds before were now screaming their lungs out. Fat boy was sitting on his haunches looking at his hands – maybe he’d felt what I felt.

  Katie. Oh god, please let her be okay.

  I jogged stop-start through the crowd and the rain to the beer tent. Everywhere, people were calling names with voices full of fear, but in the beer tent there was laughter.

  ‘I did,’ a woman’s voice shouted. ‘I did actually poo my pants.’

  Another round of laughter.

  ‘Give us a look, Deb,’ a man yelled.

  There was a collective groan. Someone struck a cigarette lighter and held it high. It wasn’t much light, but it filled the gaps enough for me to see that there were fewer than twenty people in the tent. I searched faces and moved past the steamy bodies.