She peered up at me, looking defeated. “So what do you do about it?”
“You keep good people around you and you live your life. And you don’t apologize to anyone for being who you are.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s all that really matters.”
She looked at me and nodded. “You’re good at it,” she said softly.
It didn’t feel like a compliment.
She turned and walked away. She went to the windows overlooking the patio and the water below. Beyond, the downtown skyline glimmered in the lowering sun as dusk neared.
I could see her face reflected, faintly, in the glass, shimmering with the motion of the water beyond. I tried to read the look in her eyes but I couldn’t, so I moved to stand behind her. I inhaled her sweet scent, deep. I put my hands on her shoulders and felt her take a deep breath.
“The thing is…” she said, “…I thought I loved Josh. I did love him, Jesse, at least some of the time we were together. And when he cut me loose, in public, it was really painful. I guess I didn’t want to be a part of putting someone else through that. That’s why I went to see Elle.”
With every word she said, I only admired her more. She was so fucking strong and she didn’t even know it. I turned her to face me. I wrapped her in my arms and lowered my head until my forehead touched hers. “You’re a sweetheart, Katie Bloom.”
She took a breath, maybe in surprise, maybe to say something, but I kissed her before she could. Long and deep, until my toes fucking curled. When she drew away and bit her lip, I said, “Been waiting to do that all day.” Which was an understatement. Kissing her was all I’d wanted to do since she walked out in L.A..
I admired her for sticking to her principles, for fighting for who she was, even though it hurt like hell watching her walk out the door.
“Jesse.” She pulled back a bit, but held onto my arms. “I’m sorry for how I left. I just needed some room to breathe, to figure out how I feel.” She shook her head and let me go, taking a step away. “No, that’s not true.” She crossed her arms over her stomach. “I know how I feel. I know exactly how I feel. I just… I couldn’t stand it any longer not knowing how you feel.”
Right.
I pretty much got that by now, and I knew what I wanted to say. But the words didn’t come fast enough and she turned away.
“You know what your friends say about you? ‘Jesse’s not one to talk about his pain.’”
I tried to smile. “Yeah.” I rubbed at the back of my neck the way I did when I was nervous. I didn’t do it much, but this girl had my guts in knots. “I guess I’m kind of an asshole that way.”
“You’re not an asshole, Jesse. Don’t make jokes.”
“I’m not joking. You wouldn’t be the first woman to run for the hills when I wouldn’t open up, Katie. I guess I’m shit at opening up.”
She came closer, looking up into my face like she was searching for clues. Shit. Was I really that hard to read? “But you write all those songs about the most intimate things. What’s the difference?”
“The difference is I write the music. Jessa and Zane and Raf write the words.”
“But you sing them.”
“Yeah. I sing them.” I wrapped her in my arms and pulled her close. “I’m good at that.” I kissed her lightly and she softened against me. Then I took a steadying breath. “Please tell me you’ll come to the show tonight,” I whispered.
“Jesse…”
“Katie.” I held her tight so she wouldn’t pull away. Then I took another breath and dug deep for the words. “I want you there with me. I hated playing those last three shows without you. It felt… wrong.”
She blinked at me, her cheeks flushed, but slowly shook her head. “I told you. I can’t just follow you around while you work. It’s not enough for me.” She stared into my eyes. “I just need you to understand. To not hate me for needing more than all the amazing things you’ve given me. For understanding why it’s not enough.”
“I do understand.”
I did, to the marrow of my bones.
She wanted more, but she wasn’t asking for it, either. Maybe she was afraid I’d never give it? Which was insane, because I’d give this girl the fucking world.
“It’s just not who I am, Jesse. It will kill me inside, bit by bit, and I’ll end up resenting you, and myself. I just…” She took a deep, fortifying breath. “I changed who I was, for Josh, and then he left me.”
So that was it? She thought I was gonna use her up and spit her out, dump her by the roadside?
No fucking way.
I leaned in and whispered in her ear, “So what if you weren’t just following me around?”
I couldn’t hold back my grin. I was fucking dying to lay this on her. It was pretty much the business proposal I should’ve offered her from day one, if only I’d known about her talent.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what if you were working?”
“Your paid escort again? No thanks.” She smiled a little and poked my chest. “Don’t get me wrong. The job has its perks. But I won’t respect either of us in the morning, ever again.”
I laughed and Katie grinned. God, I loved that grin.
I lifted her off her feet and kissed her again. When I set her down, looking adorably flushed, I said, “What if I told you the band wants you to do our art work?”
She gave me the most twisted, skeptical look I’d ever seen on her face and blinked her blue-greens at me. Several times. “Dirty?” she said in a small voice.
“Yeah, Dirty.”
“What do you mean? Why?”
“Why?” I shook her a little by her sweet hips. “Because your work is fucking awesome.”
She stared at me.
“It would mean a big contract. Enough to keep you going, and keep you busy. We need it all. Album covers, website graphics, clothing, stage backdrops, you name it. We’re talking about a total reworking of our image for our next album, which we’re about to record, and the new tour. It’s our tenth anniversary tour. It will mean a ton of exposure.”
Katie looked dumbstruck. Awestruck. Completely what the fuck struck.
“But… are you sure? This is what the band wants? I mean… they’re not just agreeing to this because they think I’m your girl?”
“Yes, it’s what they want. We had a conference call about it while you were on the plane.”
She blinked at me again. “And Elle too?”
“Yes, cherry pie. Elle too. Last I checked, she was in the band.”
She shook her head, like she couldn’t fucking believe it. “But… they haven’t even seen my work.”
“Actually,” I said, “they have.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
* * *
Katie
Jesse wouldn’t tell me where the fuck we were going. By the time we got there I was bouncing around in the passenger seat like a dog.
He parked us in front of a long, white two-story building in a commercial neighborhood, just a few blocks from Devi’s office. The building was free-standing and took up half the block.
He let us in with a key and disabled the alarm.
Inside was a big, open room with a small kitchen built into one corner. There was a set of stairs to a loft above and a big skylight streaming light down in the center. It was clean and empty—except for my paintings, the ones I stored in Becca’s basement, leaning against one wall. A few of them were propped up on easels too.
All my unfinished paintings. Because I never finished anything anymore.
I hadn’t finished a single painting in the last two years.
I walked over and started flipping through the canvases that were leaning against the wall. They were all in here; everyone I loved, or had ever loved. My parents, my sister, my brother-in-law and the kids. Devi. Some of my other friends. The paintings, while portraits, were experiments in texture, color and emotion. No two paintings had quite the same style, but the aesthetic
was always my own, something I’d been exploring before I pretty much gave up on it.
And Josh was here, too.
Even when he dumped me, I didn’t have the heart to throw him out.
It really didn’t matter what I painted anyway, or who, since no one ever saw it. But it mattered to me. In fact, it should’ve mattered more to me. I could see that now.
Maybe that was what Jesse was trying to show me.
There were tears in my eyes when I turned to him. “What is this?”
“It’s yours, if you want it.”
“What do you mean?” I was in shock again.
My whole life had suddenly become a what the fuck situation.
“You went to see my sister,” he said. “I went to see yours.”
Shit. He knew about my dinner with Jessa?
I didn’t know how to feel. So many emotions fought for dominance. Embarrassment. Sorrow. Joy. More than anything, though, I was humbled. No one had ever done something like this for me before.
“We used to use it as a rehearsal space for the band, but we have a new one.”
“You own this place?”
“Yeah. It’s a great neighborhood.”
No shit. It was an expensive neighborhood. “I can’t let you pay for this.”
“Then consider me an investor.” He walked over to me and looked down at my unfinished work. “I think your work is incredible, Katie. And I think it should be seen.” He turned to look at me, in all seriousness. “I think you should be seen. I’ve always felt that way.” He ran his knuckle lightly along my jaw and I fought the urge to melt into a puddle right at his feet.
“Jesse…”
“You can finally have that art show you wanted to have. With your newfound infamy,” he added with a little grin, “you’re sure to get a crowd. And Brody is connected up the ass, babe. He can bring in real art buyers with money. We can even get someone handling PR. Your work can be famous, but every little detail of your private life doesn’t have to be.”
“Why? Why are you doing this?”
“Because I believe in you. And I believe in your talent.” He glanced around the room. “It’s a good space. And I know you like the neighborhood.”
“Which is how I know how much this costs.”
He ignored that. “It’s close to Nudge, and Devi’s office is three blocks away. You can go for coffee.”
“I noticed.”
He walked over to the painting I’d started the day Devi told me I’d been chosen to be in his music video. The day my life took a sharp turn. I’d gone to Becca’s basement to paint and think it over, and clear my head. But I hadn’t been able to clear it. Not of him. Not of the man who’d made an unforgettable impression on me from the first moment I saw his face.
“When did you paint this?” he asked.
It was a painting of Jesse, of how I’d first seen him when we met. Beautiful and abstract, something ungettable, unknowable. Or so I’d thought.
I swallowed hard. “The day I met you,” I whispered. I couldn’t find my voice. I felt like I was floating away, like this was all some incredible dream.
“You said you didn’t know who I was when we met.”
“I didn’t.”
He stared at me, those unreadable molasses eyes sliding over my face. I trembled, though it wasn’t cold in the studio, and hugged myself.
“Katie…” he said.
We were interrupted by a knock. He went to the door and let my sister in, and Devi was right behind her. Becca smiled at me, and Jesse headed up to the loft.
What the hell was going on?
I hugged my sister and held on tight. “Katie,” she whispered, “it’s okay.”
“I don’t know, I don’t know…” I just kept saying it, over and over, while she held me.
When we drew apart, she held my face in her hands, like it was small and precious to her, the way she had when we were young.
“Take the studio,” she said. “There’s no guilt in quitting the coffee bar. We’ll survive without you, I promise.”
“What about what happened? The paparazzi? It can get a lot worse than that.”
“We’ll be alright, Katie.”
“But what are you going to do if they get harassed at school? It’s hard on kids, being the center of attention, having people talk about them, say things that aren’t even true.”
“Well, their father’s always threatening to homeschool them anyway. Or move us all to Costa Rica.”
“You aren’t seriously going to leave Nudge.”
“I’ll do whatever’s right for my family. And that includes you.” She put her hands on my arms and squeezed. “We’ll be alright, Katie. Do this for yourself.” She pulled me in for another hug. “From what I can see, he really cares about you. This is a real opportunity. Do it for your art.” She glanced off toward the stairwell, where Jesse had vanished. “And for your heart.”
My sister smoothed my hair off my cheek, and I loved her so much in that moment.
Then it was Devi’s turn. I clung to her as she hugged me, feeling safe in the arms of the person who knew me better than anyone on the planet. When we came apart, she looked me in the eye, strong and steady, and told me the truth.
“It’s time to move forward, sweetie.”
* * *
After I let Becca and Devi out, I locked the door and walked around the room.
It really was the perfect space for an art studio. I could imagine all my supplies organized into the shelves along the walls. There was enough room for several easels, and to store all my work, and then some.
Hell, I could do art shows here.
I went upstairs, emerging from the spiral staircase into the partial loft that overlooked the studio below. Jesse was there, standing in front of the paneled windows that merged with the skylight above, fiddling with his phone. Two things struck me at once: the fact that he’d probably heard every word that had been spoken below, and the view.
“If you want to be independent, Katie, you need to have something to build your dream on,” he said, stashing away his phone. “Something that’s your own. This is yours. No strings attached.”
“It’s just that I had that before,” I said, moving closer to him. “I thought I had that before, but there were strings. I just didn’t see them until it was too late.”
“No strings,” he said. “I’ll sell the property to you, dirt cheap. Whatever it takes so you can make it your own. You have mad talent, and it kills me to think you don’t know it.”
I didn’t know what to say. “I mean… I think my work can be better. But that’s the thing about art. It grows and evolves.” I was growing, too. I had a lot of ideas for the work I wanted to do. “And I’m so out of practice… but I’ve kind of been dying to get back into it.”
And with a place to do it, and funds to support me while I worked… it really was my dream come true.
“Don’t you have a show to get to?” I asked as he came closer.
“I’ll get there,” he said, unconcerned. “And if this doesn’t work for you, we can do it any other way.”
We? I looked up at him and took a deep breath.
“It works,” I said.
He nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. “And you know, with the money you just made on the tour, you can make a go of this. With or without me.” He looked at me and I knew he was waiting for me to say something.
He was giving me a chance to take the money, and now the studio, and run.
As if I could ever do that.
“I’ll do the contract work for Dirty. But I can’t take that other money, Jesse. I’m giving it back.”
“It’s yours. You earned it.”
“While I was having sex with you. It just feels…”
“Dirty?” His mouth curled in a small grin.
“Yeah.”
“Katie, I didn’t pay you to have sex with me.”
“I know, but—”
“I didn’t pay you to love
me, either.”
I stared at him, at the plain truth there on his face, wanting to refute it.
I couldn’t.
“Jessa told me what you did. What you said to her in L.A..” He stepped closer, until all I could see was him. I looked up at his face. He was searching my eyes. “Why did you go see her?”
I swallowed. “Same reason I went to see Elle, I guess. I don’t like someone you care about being in pain.”
He didn’t say anything. I still didn’t always know how to read his eyes, and it killed me that I had no idea what he was thinking.
“I’m sorry if I stuck my nose in where it didn’t belong. It just seemed to me that she needed to hear all those things you said to me, you know, about how much you worried for her, and—”
“Katie. I’m trying to tell you. I love you, too.”
I stood there, stunned, just kind of gaping at him for a long moment. “But… I failed.”
“What the hell do you mean?”
“I tried to get her to come home. She wouldn’t.”
“Katie. It’s been years. If she won’t do it for anyone else, she won’t do it for you.” He pulled me closer and cupped my face in his hands. “I’m fucking blown away that you tried.” He kissed me softly on the lips. “What you tried to do for her,” he said softly. “For me. That means everything to me.” He took hold of my hands. “It’s only ever been me and Jessa, you know? Us and Mom, and when she died… a lot of people stepped up. Dolly. The guys. I know Jude and Brody would kill for me. Literally. For Jessa, too. And the band, they’re family to me. You know that. But I’m telling you, Katie, I’ve never loved anyone, ever, like I love you.”
I felt the tingle in my nose, the tears pricking my eyes. Was he going to make me cry?
“I love you. I fucking love you and I should’ve told you that a long time ago,” he said. “You’re always on my mind. You’re in everything I do. I could barely even get through the end of the tour without you there. It just didn’t seem to matter anymore without you. Even the music wasn’t the same, and the music is in my fucking soul. I just missed you, so fucking much.”
Rock Star Romance Ultimate Volume 2 Page 60