I Forgave You Anyway

by B S Steele

  The apartment leasing manager had been kind enough to stay past her shift to give us our keys and show us to our new apartment. Sergeant Little Bear called us from his cellphone and told us to meet him at the first Whataburger we saw when we came into town.

  “Water-burger?” I repeated out loud. “That sounds disgusting.”

  “Whataburger,” David corrected, laughing.

  “Oh,” I laughed, “Must be a southern thing.”

  We’d eaten at a restaurant earlier in Alabama I’d also never heard of, a grimy, cheap place everyone here seemed to love.

  We pulled into the Whataburger parking lot, and a man in military fatigues was waiting for us. David got out, saluted him, and he waved at me and Michael, who sat waiting in the car.

  “Okay, apparently it’s just up the road a bit,” David said, excitedly, squeezing my leg.

  “Thank God. I’m so ready to get some sleep,” I replied.

  Sergeant Little Bear waited with us, making small talk and telling us a little about the base and the surrounding area, while the leasing manager had us sign papers.

  The club house was beautifully decorated, with potted palms and modern art. Michael played quietly in a room built just for kids. A glass window allowing us to see him while he played. Another set of glass doors looked out onto a pool that was lit up with lights for the night.

  “I’ll wait with you guys until you get inside your new house, and then I’ll see you Monday morning at 0700 hours, Airman,” Sergeant Little Bear said, clapping David on the back.

  “Thank you, sir,” David replied, taking the keys from the leasing manager.

  She was a pretty girl about our age, who was making me feel like an ugly duckling next to her curled hair and crisp navy dress suit.

  “Here you are,” she said, handing me my own set of keys. “I hope you both like your new home. You can reach us at the emergency number on the bottom of your lease, if you need anything.”

  I nodded, feeling antsy, and ready to see my new house. We climbed back into the U-Haul and drove through the winding complex until we found our stairwell. Crossing our fingers the keys worked. As soon as the door opened, Sergeant Little Bear nodded, and said his goodbyes.

  The apartment smelled of new carpet and fresh paint. The lighting was cheerful and bright, matching the modern kitchen that was done in white cabinets and charcoal marble counter tops. A small dining room was adjacent to the living room, and a long hallway opened to a spacious bathroom and the three bedrooms.

  David and I exclaimed over the trim and the private bathroom off the master bedroom.

  “Look at the shower! It’s completely made of glass,” I said happily. “Let’s put Michael in the room closest to ours.”

  David nodded sleepily, “Okay, let’s go unload and set up the air mattresses. The movers are supposed to be here bright and early.”

  I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep, as a new burst of energy wafted through me, as I mentally planned where all our furniture would go. Most of what we had wouldn’t fit well into the new space, but with our new financial status, it wouldn’t be long before we could fill the house with new things.

  Michael clung to me, sleepily laying his head on my shoulder. Tomorrow was going to be a brand-new start for all of us.

  Chapter 35: Not So Bright

  As we settled into our new home, tension between David and I rose. We were lonely, finding it hard to make friends. Everything seemed to be happening on the base, a place I’d only visited a few times, with David showing me around.

  When we drove through the military housing, I looked disappointedly through the car windows as the Florida heat blazed down on the small stucco duplexes, each painted a drab shade of brown or grey. Uniform slatted windows and scorched patches of grass surrounded small yards speckled with fire ant hills and prickly bushes.

  Coming from the North, land of rolling green fields, giant farmhouses and ornate Victorian estates, it looked like a prison camp. I only started to warm up to the idea of base housing when David showed me all the base amenities, like the water park for children, the pre-school program, and the open gyms that were available for our use.

  I was desperate to make a friend, and I took note of all the scattered toys in many of the yards I saw and noticed that a some of the houses appeared to have grass, watered carefully to ward off the teams of ants. I’d never encountered a stinging ant in Michigan. Ants were friendly at best, and annoying picnic intruders at their worst in our hometown.

  Here, they were vicious, angry assholes who left itchy, burning welts if you were careless enough to stand too long in one spot.

  “Rent is basically free here, babe. We wouldn’t get our housing allowance, but we also wouldn’t have to pay for utilities,” David encouraged.

  We had been facing the realities of our new apartment. Although it was beautiful, the rent was very high, and the continuously running air conditioning was an unexpected expense. We only had one car, and my luxury apartment had slowly become a prison.

  As New Year’s approached, our conversations had become less interesting, and we’d begun living a routine that was less than satisfying.

  “David, who are you talking to?” I asked, Michael on my hip.

  He had a glass of wine in his hand and was cackling at some joke I wasn’t part of. He shot me a warning look, since I’d recently become the annoying housewife, who nagged him about what time he’d be home for dinner.

  “David?” I asked again, handing Michael his bottle and putting him down in his bed. He rolled over, expectantly waiting for his nightly VHS tape of “Bear in the Big Blue House”.

  I’d painted his room in blue and green stripes, with a mural of trees and animals behind his bed, complete with Velcro wooden animals he could move around the scene on the wall. He looked peaceful and ready to drift off to dreamland, as I kissed him and switched on his nightlight.

  “David?” I said again as I walked down the hall, finding him out on the balcony, cell phone on his ear, and him yelling down into the parking lot, shouting “Happy New Year!” to one of our non-English speaking neighbors.

  “David!” I yelled at him, irritated that he seemed to be ignoring me. I wanted a glass of wine too, but I’d been waiting to put Michael to bed before I started the celebrating.

  “What?!” He yelled back, glaring at me. “I’m talking to my sister.” He said angrily, turning back to his conversation.

  I rolled my eyes, and slammed the balcony door, stomping off to pour my own glass of wine. The door opened, and David came back inside, still chattering away, laughing at whatever private joke he and his sister were sharing. He dug in the fridge, pulling out a beer and looked sideways at me, deciding it was my turn to have a bit of his attention.

  He pushed the speaker button on his phone.

  “Hey, say hello to Anna,” he said into the phone, his voice sounding a little drunk.

  “Hey, Anna,” his youngest sister, Cami said.

  Cami and I had gotten to know each other well over the last few years. I’d lived with her on and off, and even saved David’s life once with her when we’d decided to swim in a rocky alcove just before a storm.

  I could still re-call her face, pale next to her black hair and light eyes, clinging to the slippery rocks as I guided David between the waves and back to safety.

  “How are you?” I asked stiffly.

  David had been on my last nerve the last week. He’d been late for duty more than once and seemed to be sinking into an unpredictable slump again. I’d been on edge, since I’d seen this many times before.

  He was on the verge of another episode to a game I always lost.

  “Fine, I’m almost ready to have the baby.” She said.

  “Yeah, and she just smoked a fat joint, too.” David said, belching loudly. “You know, Cami, you should think about giving that baby up. . . tell her, Anna.”

  “Cami! You shouldn’t be smoking pot while being pregnant!” I exclaimed.

&
nbsp; Cami had been like a daughter to me in the years before I’d left Michigan. I’d enrolled her in a special school, encouraging her to finish High school.

  “Oh my God, David. Shut up. I can’t believe you would say that to me. You’re a fucking asshole!” She yelled.

  I rolled my eyes and took a long drink of wine.

  “Cami, I gotta go. I’m sorry, David has been drinking.”

  “No, no, no, I’m not done talking to her,” David said, grabbing the phone.

  I held up my hands, heading to the balcony for a cigarette.

  “Whatever, David.” I muttered, stepping out into the night air.

  Another one of our neighbors, who spoke a little better English than the last one David had been shouting too, raised a beer to me, and shouted, “Happy New Year Senorita!”

  I raised my glass, and smiled at him, which he took as an invitation to climb the stairs to our door. I cringed when I heard his loud knocking, hoping Michael didn’t wake up. David answered the door, excited to see another male face.

  “Hey Estevan! Buddy! How are you?!” He cried, shoving his phone in his new friend’s face, demanding Estevan tell Cami happy New Year.

  I sat like a statue, refusing to go inside, even though my wine glass was nearly empty, and my cigarette had gone out two minutes prior. I listened to them carry on, and it wasn’t long until they joined me on the balcony, bantering about manly things, and trying to make Cami laugh over speaker phone.

  “Whoops, looks like I’m empty,” I said, excusing myself to the kitchen and glaring at David as I walked by.

  I’d had enough of him for one night. Estevan only stayed for a few minutes more, excusing himself when his friends pulled up and piled out of a small white car.

  “Adios, people!” He said, raising his Corona high, and leaving me and David alone. Cami had hung up the phone, her voice edgy from listing to David’s hypocritical lectures about marijuana. He only abstained now because of his Military status. Certainly not on any moral ground.

  “You know, I just wish Cami would think about the baby. She has no income, and a loser boyfriend who plays World of Warcraft at thirty-two years old.”

  “Me too, but honestly, it’s her choice. . .” I said, suddenly feeling very tired.

  “What’s your problem?” David asked, looking offended.

  “Well, maybe I don’t want to sit here and listen to you, simply because everyone else who was so important ten minutes ago, is gone,” I said sarcastically.

  “Bullshit,” David said, smiling at me, his eyes dancing mischievously. “You know what I want to do?” He asked, coming closer, swinging his hips dramatically.

  “Um, no way. You just ignored me the whole night and let me put Michael to bed by myself. I’ve been in this damn house all week, and frankly, I’m in no mood,” I replied, pushing him away from me.

  He immediately looked angry and caught my wrist with his hand.

  “How is it my fault you sit here, doing nothing?” He asked, his tone low.

  “Nothing? What the hell David, I don’t have a fucking car. You take my car to work every day, remember? And come home when it suits you. I never know when you’ll show up, or if you’re even telling me the truth about where you are.”

  He slammed his beer on the counter and pulled me into a bear hug.

  “You think I’m lying to you?” He said, looking at me through mock slitted eyes, a half smile on his face.

  “Honestly, I don’t know,” I said, squirming from his grip.

  His smile faded, and he looked angry.

  “Fine, I’m going out. Fuck this. I stay here with you, when all the guys from the shop are out having fun. Fuck it, I’m going to the bar!”

  He pushed me away from him and started looking for the keys.

  “What? Where are you going?” I asked, feeling panicked.

  I didn’t know where he’d go, and in the mood he’d been in lately, I wasn’t sure who he’d end up with. I couldn’t handle more cheating. Not here, so far away from everything I knew.

  “Wherever I want,” he spat.

  “David, that’s not fair!” I yelled, grabbing for the keys. “I’m here all day, with the baby, you are NOT leaving. I’M leaving, if either of us are.”

  He pushed me away from the keys that lay on the floor from our struggle. Anger rose in my chest. It wasn’t the first time David had been rough with me, and the old resentments rose in my throat.

  I raised my hand and slapped him across the face. Suddenly, I was laid flat out on the floor, his body covering mine, pinning me down. I squirmed and struggled, but he held me tight., holding my arms down with his legs, he pressed on my throat with his hands.

  “You bitch,” he muttered, as I gagged under his weight.

  Finally, he let me go, and I raced to our bedroom, shutting myself in my closet, sobs heaving in my chest. David followed close behind, and beat on the doors, his shadow showing between the slatted doors.

  “You’re fucking worthless. All you do is sit around here and complain. I’m tired of it!” He screamed.

  Please stay asleep, Michael. . . I prayed.

  For the first time, I started to feel a little scared. David had slapped me before when we were younger, and this was not our first physical altercation, but it had been so long, it had seemed like a distant nightmare we had put behind us.

  He’d never called me worthless before. Maybe he was right, maybe I was the problem. I heard the door slam and waited, crying quietly for a few moments before I came out.

  Standing in the kitchen, I saw the knife block sitting on the counter. I picked up an ivory handled knife, holding its cool weight in my palm. It was very sharp, that much I knew. I’d sold the brand in college and kept it for years. I wondered what would happen if I drug it across my arms. Or worse, if I sunk it deep into David’s gut.

  The light from the kitchen glinted off the shaft, as reality jolted my thoughts back towards sanity. I wasn’t a killer, and I wasn’t without choices. I had Michael to think about, and this was the bed I’d help make.

  “What are you doing with that?” David’s voice startled me.

  “I-I just thought. . . maybe I should . . .” I said, my voice faltering.

  David’s face softened. He’d been sitting in the shadows, only slamming the door to trick me into thinking he’d left. He was way too intoxicated to drive.

  “You wanted to stab me?” He said, his voice sounding like he wanted to commit me.

  “Or myself. Maybe I should.” I said, holding the blade over my skin, watching his reaction.

  He jumped up. “No! Honey, no! I’m so sorry! Please.”

  I collapsed in a heap, dropping the knife and pulled at my hair, letting out a shriek.

  “I can’t take this anymore, David!”

  “I know. Shh,” he cooed, scooping me up, and holding me. “I know, honey. Let’s move. It’s time to move, we need friends. This isn’t healthy anymore.”

  I nodded into his chest, pushing away all my feelings, and let him carry me to bed.

  Chapter 36: Finding Myself

  Over the next few weeks, I decided it was time to stop focusing so much on David and start thinking about my future without him. I started going out more, making new friends, and I’d even gotten a job at a local funeral home.

  Morbid? Maybe, but after my Dad’s passing, I’d realized I had an interest in the funeral business. I’d been searching for jobs and with the large gap in my employment history, I wanted to try something new that might hold a future career for me.

  I’d always enjoyed science, and helping others was something I’d done all my life. I still had a few suits in my closet from my insurance agent days, so I figured, what the hell? Might as well give it a shot and apply. I landed the job easily, and less than a month later, I was allowed to help with my first embalming.

  The young woman’s body lay on the stainless-steel table, her rib cage open, revealing the pink of her insides. I was shocked at the lack of bloo
d.

  “Are you sure you’re okay to help?” My co-worker Drew asked.

  Drew and I had been working together for a little over a month. So far, we’d had some interesting adventures involving the deceased.

  “Yeah,” I replied, trying not to over think about the organs that lay inches from my nose.

  The funeral home director stood next to Drew, eating the remnants of his lunch, and eyeing me over his glasses.

  “You sure?” he echoed.

  “Yes, I’m sure. Just show me what to do.” I said, smiling confidently.

  She is dead. There is no going back, and we are the only ones here to help this girl get back to her parents. I thought.

  I picked up her personal belongings that were laying on the tool counter. Her driver’s license said she was twenty-seven, one year older than me. Her roommate had found her in the bathroom, curled around the toilet, unconscious.

  “She’s from Oregon. We have to get her body ready to ship to her parents.” Drew said as he mixed a pink chemical into the embalming machine.

  “What about her baby?” I asked.

  He nodded to the corner of the room, where another funeral director was mixing another chemical in a large plastic tub.

  “The baby goes too,” he said quietly.

  It had taken me over a month to get behind the big white door and get hands-on experience with the deceased. I was considering becoming a licensed mortician, and this would be a huge part of my decision.

  “So, this is how we embalm the fetus?” I directed at Amanda, who was the one handling the baby.

  She looked at me sourly. She wasn’t very fond of me since I’d messed up her memorial cards a week earlier by printing square photos instead of oval. I didn’t let it get to me though, since Amanda seemed less than jovial by nature anyway.

  “Yeah. You can come see if you want.” She said in a curt voice.

  I think she expected me to be squeamish and decline. Instead, I walked over, and held my emotions in check as I watched her press a long needle into the baby’s belly button, and then submerge its frail body into the solution she’d mixed.