I Forgave You Anyway

by B S Steele

  “Oh hey, I’m Stacy. You must be Anna,” she said in her New York accent.

  “That’s me,” I said, taken aback that everyone seemed to know me already. It felt like I was an old friend that had been here before.

  “Want a smoke?” She asked while pulling up the child’s diaper. The boy looked at me, his large brown eyes matching Stacy’s.

  “This is Shannon,” she smiled.

  “S-sure,” I said, unaccustomed to people smoking around small children.

  “Well, I’ve been waiting for my boyfriend, and now Syd is telling me I gotta take you guys over to the job site,” she said, rolling her eyes at Syd, who seemed to be loading tools into a beat-up van.

  “Yeah, that’s right, Syd, I’m talking shit,” she yelled.

  He flipped her off from the van window, while still screaming obscenities into his cell phone.

  She laughed and said, “He’s such an asshole, but he’s a good guy, y’know? So, what about your guy? I hear he’s a real asshole too.”

  I wasn’t sure I would get used to this everybody knowing my business thing, but I definitely liked New York already. Manhattan was the most exciting city I’d ever been too. The pizza was to die for, and I felt inspired by the crowds of people. Never had I seen so many wealthy, fashionable people mixed together with bums, emo kids, hippies and musicians.

  The city made me feel alive. My Uncle was crazier than I remembered him, ranting day and night about lost loves, government control, and shady contractors, all while living off chicken noodle soup and chocolate bars. One thing I will say about my Uncle Brian, is although I peeled him off the sidewalk, drunk as a skunk, I’ll never be able to repay him for his kindness. For the love and support that I so desperately needed the night he held me as I cried, telling him my deepest fears regarding my failing marriage. It was a raw moment that only two truly crazy people can share. By the time I was ready to go home, I’d straightened my head out enough to know that I deserved better.

  Although I’m thankful for the first jolts back to life, I knew that I’d never stop loving David. I called him, asking him to help me get back home. I missed Michael terribly, and was beginning to feel suffocated in my Uncle’s tiny apartment. It was clear that the Deli was nothing more than a pipe dream, and that I wasn’t ready for the bright lights of New York City.

  When my flight landed back in Florida, neither David nor myself could hide our joy. He always felt like home to me, no matter how fucked up we were. Our hug lasted so long we missed the luggage as it went by on the baggage claim. We were going to give it another try. Just one more time.

  Chapter 39: Answers from Heaven

  I remember the day I drove out to visit my Dad’s grave. A tiny ceramic box of his ashes slid back and forth in my glove box. The rest of his ashes had been buried fifteen minutes outside of town, behind an old railroad track.

  I parked my car, thankful that I was the only visitor. Pine trees stood tall around me, fragrant and dappling the sunlight. My Grandpa had purchased the plot for a mere twenty-five dollars, back when dinosaurs still roamed the Earth. It took only a few steps to get to the plot. The ground was still turned up where my cousin had dug a hole just a few months ago. We’d placed the box of ashes inside, each of us tossing a rose or a handful of dirt on top.

  His headstone was somber and beautiful. An etched eagle flew above his credentials. A sentence meant for strangers read: Beloved Son, Brother, and Father. A wreath I’d made was hanging nearby with the letter I’d written him still tucked in its tendrils.

  “Hey Dad,” I said into the air. I knew he wasn’t here, that his Spirit had long gone into the eternal chasm beyond.

  “It’s me, Anna.,” I said, looking up at the sky. “I could really use your help right now. You know all the things that have been going on with David. How I feel, how many questions I have. How much I’ve been hurt, how worried I am that I’m making the right choices.” I looked at the ground, a tear trickled into the corner of my mouth, salty and wet. “Can you just give me some sort of sign that I’m making the right choice?”

  At that exact moment, a bald eagle rose from the trees. I hadn’t noticed it sitting there watching me. I sucked in my breath, completely in awe. I’d rarely seen Eagles in the wild, and never this close. It rose higher into the sky, its majestic wings soaring overhead, catching the wind and effortlessly cutting through the November clouds.

  “Thank you,” I whispered, too overcome to believe what I was seeing.

  After a few moments, the Eagle disappeared, and the momentary magic was gone. Suddenly, the cemetery felt deserted and cold, like an empty lot full of old trees, roots and a few scattered lumps of rock.

  I took two things away from the cemetery that day. One, that my Father wasn’t lost, tied to a headstone, or a place for the dead. He was with me. In my heart, and he was bigger than I’d ever imagined. Two, that I was on the right path, and that it was time for me to start trusting myself and believing in my journey.

  As I drove, I focused on the winding and dipping of the highway ahead, not wanting to let the moment go.

  My mind started rationalizing what I’d seen.

  That Eagle probably came from the Wildlife Preserve just up the road. You’ve seen Eagles there before. It was a very cool coincidence, but a coincidence all the same. Dad is dead, and Spirits don’t come back to give messages.

  Tears ran down my face. I loved David so much, but I was tired of the pain. His voice echoed in my head:

  “God doesn’t want us to get divorced Anna, and He certainly isn’t going to bless your new relationships while you’re still married to me.”

  Part of me feared that he was right. But how could God be okay with this suffering? David had put me through Hell. Didn’t I deserve to feel love? To be a part of a fantasy for a moment?

  I pushed the gas pedal down a little farther, thinking it’d be fun to get pulled over. Maybe the cop would be just as desperate as me, and we’d spark up a conversation and we could ride off into the sunset leaving everything behind.

  Forget David, forget death, forget all the weight that piled on my shoulders. The worries, the fears for the future, the strangling guilt I felt about leaving Michael without his family intact.

  I was breaking my promises, my vows to do better than divorce. I was completely, and utterly broken. I’d lost my job at the funeral home, I’d lost my husband, my home at the Air Force Base, and my friends. I’d lost my Dad, my best friend to death, and my relationship with my Mother had never been repaired.

  I’d done things I wasn’t proud of and I had no idea what tomorrow would bring. I worried how I’d afford the cars David and I had, how I’d keep up the lifestyle Michael was accustomed to. I’d taken us to the top, just to be brought right back down. I’d been so proud of that first day David and I no longer had to enroll for Medicaid or sign up for food assistance.

  Where would my pride be now? How could I face all the people who had shamed me for becoming pregnant at 19, saying that there was no way I would succeed? They had been agonizingly right, and now I’d have to face all my fears I’d worked so hard to prevent from becoming reality.

  What was I missing? Why did these things happen to me? What had I done to deserve such a bitter pill?

  I didn’t know, but I did know one thing. I had that still, small voice inside me that softly spoke through all the dark clouds. The strong and steady voice of love that refused to die. Love that refused to give up.

  Chapter 40: Four Years Later

  “Well hey! It’s been a while!” Renée said as I walked through the shop’s front door, the hand-made welcome sign banging against the glass. I sighed in relief, breathing in the scent of sage and incense.

  “Yeah, it’s been crazy, girl.” I replied, beaming at her.

  Renée looked at me, her radiant smile fading slightly. “Do you want me to smudge you?” She offered.

  I’d been coming to her shop for the last year and a half, steeping myself in the healing
and self-discovery that I’d found among the group of people who frequented the Spiritual Center.

  I ran my fingers over a few of the crystals that were on display, absentmindedly reading the information cards in front of them.

  “Yes.” I said, feeling relieved. “That would be wonderful.”

  Two years ago, I would have looked at her like she was crazy and politely declined. I’d have taken one look around at the Buddhas, Goddesses, symbols, and herbs and ran for the hills. I would have thought that these bare-footed devil worshipers were going to lead me into some dark room to perform some heathen ritual.

  I wouldn’t have been ready to listen, to feel, or hear any other voice than the old paradigms I’d been taught since I was a child. Dogmatic fear was a very powerful force that had ruled my heart and enslaved my soul, often in the disguise of the Light.

  Now I knew a good smudging was just what I needed to calm my nerves. I stood still as she lit the tied end of a bundle of sage, breathing in the holy smoke and smiling.

  “Oh, a woman came in the other day. She saw your owl painting and asked about you. Maybe it’s time to have some business cards in here? Everyone loves that owl.” She encouraged.

  I laughed in surprise. I’d painted Renée an owl a few months ago and gifted it to the shop as an inspirational piece.

  “Maybe I should!” I said, watching as she snuffed out the sage. “It’s been tough lately. I just found out my brother Eric stole from me and Jae,” I frowned.

  “Oh, that’s not good at all,” Renée said, listening carefully.

  I hadn’t been to meditation in a while, but something about this place kept drawing me back. I’d been studying religion and different techniques to attain peace. I’d been fighting so many battles, I was ready to let go and let God. Jae and I had just come back from our first trip together to visit my family and had ended up with my stepbrother Eric and his girlfriend Alex in tow.

  They’d convinced me that my Mother had been holding them prisoner and that it was either stay with me, or they’d end up on the street.

  “Tomorrow I’m meeting with an officer to go over the next steps. It’s heart breaking. I love him so much,” I said, tearing up.

  Renée nodded, pulling me into a hug.

  “I gave him a lot of chances. I’m just not sure what went wrong,” I said, letting myself squeeze her back.

  “Life sometimes throws us those curve balls. Finding the lesson in them isn’t always easy,” she replied, her eyes soft and understanding. “I’ll keep you and Jae in my thoughts and prayers.”

  “Thank you.” I said sincerely.

  I straightened my shoulders and let out a heavy sigh. “Now, down to business! I need candles and some protective incense.”

  “That, I can help with!” She said cheerfully, turning towards the shelves behind her.

  Call it frou-frou fairy stuff, pseudoscience, mind over matter, the placebo effect, or the power of persuasion. Whatever people wanted to say about my newfound Faith, it was helping, and I wasn’t the only one who was noticing the positive changes in my life. Like my Mom always said, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

  Chapter 41: Repeat Street

  The police officer’s camera was distracting me. It was clipped to his ear, its shiny lens reflecting off my kitchen window. He was listening politely as I told him about my brother’s most recent theft.

  Jae and I had found a second pawn slip in his room a few days before. I’d given him the chance to come clean with me, but despite the last seemingly heartfelt conversation we’d shared, he’d still chosen to lie. I felt hollow, my sense of humor evaded me, and my faith in humanity had plummeted.

  It wasn’t just about being stolen from or lied to. It was also that I couldn’t help him. I truly believed that showing him love and compassion would be enough. I thought somehow, I’d reached my brother.

  I was a whirlwind of confusion, unsure of how this would all play out. I didn’t know the lies from the truth. I felt tethered to this looming sense of injustice. The officer was handsome and young. No doubt calculating his next career move. I didn’t want my brother’s fate in the hands of a succubus. I needed someone who really wanted to help him.

  I listened to his suggestions, taking the paperwork to my dining room table to fill it out. I was asked to estimate the value of all the stolen jewelry.

  What do I know about justice anyway? I thought, staring down at the report.

  The jewelry wasn’t worth much in dollar value, but the lesson I was hoping my brother would learn was driving me to press charges. Not to mention I wanted my old wedding ring back.

  In my letter to him, I’d written him about it. It was the ring David had bought me. Gold with a sapphire nestled among a few small diamonds.

  When the pawn broker had handed me the Ziplock bag with three rings inside, I was surprised that it wasn’t one of them. Instead, my Grandmother’s pearl and sapphire ring lay at the bottom of the bag.

  Maybe I just set my wedding ring somewhere. . . I’ll ask Eric about it later. I thought.

  I was exhausted and had just paid the pawn shop nearly $100 for my own stolen jewelry, and Christmas was right around the corner. The girl my brother had convinced to pawn my rings met me in the parking lot of the pawn shop. I held my head high, but inside I felt sick. Ericka was pale and thin with clear green eyes. Her eyebrows were plucked too thin, and had scars raking through them.

  “I’m so sorry dude,” she said as we walked to the pawn shop. “Like I told you, I had no idea. I thought they were E’s girlfriend’s rings. I’m on probation, and I didn’t want to take the fall for it.”

  I hated how she called my brother “E,” like he was some drug dealer from Eight-Mile. I kept my eyes on the ground, just wanting to get it over with.

  “Yeah, well, thanks for letting me know, I’m just happy to have them back.” I replied, forcing myself to smile at her.

  “I hope E gets help,” she said. “He’s baser status. Drugs will fuck a person up.”

  I raised my eyebrows, nodding in agreement. I didn’t really know for sure that my brother was using drugs, but Erika had told me he was buying heroine, meth, molly, and basically anything he could get his hands on.

  “Well, thanks again,” I said stiffly.

  I just wanted to get away from her, away from the dirty little pawn shop, and from the growing hole in my chest. I wanted to yell at her, to tell her exactly what I thought about her and the way she lived, and that I wasn’t a fucking idiot. I knew a drug addict when I saw one, and that telling me my brother needed help was probably the most ironic thing I’d heard all day.

  I knew that she’d pawned my things because she saw my brother as a sucker who was trying to be a hustler. She’d ripped him off and he was too naive to even know it. Now I was literally paying for it. She’d offered to pawn the rings because Eric’s out of state ID was no good to this pawn broker. He’d taken the money she’d given him, and not even noticed she’d kept half for herself.

  My brother wasn’t acting like the brightest crayon in the box, and this worried me more than any of it. I just wished that he would see that being a bad con artist was a blessing.

  I thought that pressing charges and putting him in jail might keep him out of a body bag. I’d heard from a few neighbors that he’d already tried ripping off a few people and gotten caught. Now I’d caught him stealing from me for the second time.

  My memory replayed some of our conversation.

  “I swear I didn’t take anything else, just those three rings.” Eric had said.

  I shook my head, feeling another bubble of anger pop. He’d pawned my wedding ring that same day he and Erika pawned the other three, only at a different shop. This time he’d done it with his own ID. I guess that pawn shop didn’t mind that it was expired or out of State.

  I wondered how many other lies he’d told me. I’d heard so many things and I’d dismissed most of them, wanting to believe the best in both him and his girlfr
iend, Alex. Alex was a new species of woman for me. I’d never known anyone like her, and I hope I never meet another one.

  I was angry at myself for not seeing through her bullshit. She’d gotten one over on me, and I hadn’t spoken to my Mother since. I can’t entirely blame Alex or Eric for that, but it certainly had a lot to do with it.

  I’d been appalled that my Mother had made them sleep in a garage. Now I understood that I’d been bamboozled. Just like the other three homes before me that they ransacked, stealing and using people relentlessly. I think the worst part about Alex was that I’d thought she cared about me. Jae had even helped her get a job and put her reputation on the line for them.

  When everything came out, the drug accusations, the arguments over unpaid rent and the stealing, I had to sit back and watch as Alex attempted to tear down relationships Jae and I had built over the years. I kept my mouth shut, knowing I had to wait for the right moment, or else risk losing more. Possibly even Jae’s job. The more I saw, the more I realized, and it was like being punched in the stomach with every new lie that was uncovered.

  I recalled the first time I met her, how she’d been sitting on one of the beds in my parent’s rental duplex. Her hair was wrapped up in a handkerchief, looking like a lost gypsy child with a book resting in her lap. She seemed lonely, chattering away and showing us the garage they had slept in the night before. I’d stood in there a moment, blowing out an unattended candle.

  It wasn’t a horrible garage, kinda like a cool hangout place with a fold out cot and a refrigerator, but it wasn’t fit for living in long term. Michigan has very cold nights, and I wondered what the poor girl would do if she had her period. There were no restrooms outside. I felt sorry for her, with no phone, no shower, and no friends. She sensed it, and she knew a lot more about me than I did her. Later I was told that she’d looked through my Facebook and dug for information about me from my siblings, calculating my personality to the best of her drug riddled brain.