Michael

by Kirby Elaine

  “I don’t think that’s up to you. I think that is his decision.” I smiled.

  “Well, I hope he comes again soon. Maybe he’ll come see you too, Dad.” Daniel said innocently. But my eyes stung at the prospect of seeing my father again and it didn’t matter in what form he came.

  I pulled up to Alex’s house and Daniel hoped out of the car. He rang the bell waiting for her to answer. When Alex arrived at the door I gave her a smile and nod and backed from the driveway. I drove home thinking about my father and how much I missed him. I wished that he’d come to me in a dream just to tell me he was at peace.

  Krishna

  “So? Where are we headed?” I begged Abi to tell me. He had been smiling from ear to ear from the second he got up and I knew it was because of the surprise he had planned.

  “Don’t ask again, I’m not telling so get over it.” He responded pulling into a wealthy community.

  “That’s not even fair. Don’t you think that I deal with enough surprises in my life?”

  He burst into laughter and pulled into a driveway.

  “We’re here. Can you stop whining now?” He asked. I laughed and nodded. “Come, time to meet your family.” Abi opened his door and got out as I sat frozen in my seat. “They don’t bite Krishna. Let’s go.”

  I hopped from the car trying to hide my obvious fear. I was about to walk into a house of complete strangers and I didn’t know nearly enough about the culture. I looked at Abi who was clearly flooded with excitement and I had to laugh.

  “You’re enjoying this way too much!” I nudge him as he pushed the door open into a house full of his family.

  “Bapu-ji, Maa-ji, Aunties, Uncles; this is Krishna.” The room paused and all eyes zoomed in on me. I nervously tucked my hair behind my ear and looked around at the strangers. And in an instant the silence turned into an eruption of joy and exclamations. I wanted to be joyful too but I couldn’t help but remember that these same people are the ones who forced my adoption. I accepted the attention and hugs from my birth mother’s family.

  “Aunty!” A young girl exclaimed hugging my legs. I looked at Abi, confused.

  “It’s a sign of respect. But she is our cousin.” He picked the girl up. “Meera, this is Krishna, she is my sister.”

  “She’s pretty!” The girl exclaimed before pushing away from him. He put her down.

  I’m surrounded by the older ones in the group and Abi introduced us one by one. Except for Bapu-ji, our grandfather, he was sitting in a chair in the corner watching the commotion. And when the cloud cleared he was nowhere in sight. I questioned Abi about him but all he could say was “he’ll come around” and he carried on about his business.

  By the time we reached home that night I was physically and mentally exhausted. I felt like I had been interrogated for a better part of the evening and all I wanted now was to close my eyes. I undressed and crawled into bed only to find a missed call on my phone from Michael. I immediately called him back as I pulled the comforter around me.

  “Hey love.” His voice soothed me instantly.

  “Hey. How are you?”

  “I’m being challenged, honestly.” He sounded wrecked.

  “What’s going on Michael?” I sat up in bed preparing for the worst.

  “I’m sitting at the counter in the kitchen staring at a glass of whiskey. I want a drink so bad. I want to be able to sleep.”

  “What happened?”

  “Nothing. I miss my father and it’s just starting to hit me that I’ll never see him again.”

  “Michael, I wish I was there for you right now. I know that this is hard. It’s going to take time. Not days or weeks. Not even months. But you will heal. I promise you that much.”

  “I know. But I can’t help thinking about how little effort I had put into our relationship, how I refused to see him while I was in rehab. I could have seen him one last time and I could have told him that everything he had done for me, raising me to be the man I am, despite my faults, was the bravest thing anyone has ever done. He’ll never know how much he meant to me.”

  “Oh, Michael. He knew. He knew very well. Your father loved you and he talked about you with an unmatched light in his eye. He was proud of you and he knew you loved him. Trust in that.”

  “I’m trying.”

  “I know. Get some rest. I’ll be home tomorrow and I promise I’ll help take your mind off of this. I love you.” I sucked in a breath trying not to break down while I was talking to my husband. I had to be strong for him. But my heart hurt for him. The aching still plagued me occasional, a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

  “You’re right. I’ll see you first thing.” The call ended.

  I let go of the tears that were threatening to break the entire length of that conversation. I desperately wanted my husband back and he was being kept from me by all of his troubles and grief. I switched of the lamp beside my bed and curled up with a pillow, wishing I were with Michael.

  Michael

  I needed my wife; the night before pushed me to my limit. I’d lain in bed not sleeping for four hours and when I finally drifted off I had nightmares of Alexandria screaming on the floor, of her living room begging me to help her, but I couldn’t get to her. Everything in my life was tormenting me, even my residual feeling for Alex. But I didn’t hesitate when I ended the call with Krish the night before to pour the alcohol down the drain. If she hadn’t called back I probably would have let the amber liquid pour down my throat glass after glass.

  I got into my car to head to the airport in the early afternoon. My plan was to take Krishna out for lunch alone once she landed. It was shaping up to be the month from hell and it seemed I was going to be forced to understand what it meant to be clean and sober and it wasn’t going to be easy no matter what. But I sucked it up and carried on because I had too. I was tired of being the screwed up Scott.

  Krishna looked refreshed as she exited the terminal with her purse hung over her arm and her luggage being pulled beside her. I smiled at her waiting for her to return the enthusiasm. She didn’t, she wrapped her arms around me and her body shook in my arms.

  “What happened?” I begged my wife taking her face in my hands. Her blue eyes were glassed over.

  “Nothing. I just missed home.” She pulled my hands from her face and held onto them. “Let’s go, we can talk later.”

  I obliged and grabbed her suitcase, carrying it out to the car. I had asked about having lunch and Krishna agreed that we needed the time alone. We were five years into our relationship but I made sure that I never stopped dating my wife. Nearly an hour later we pulled up to our favorite restaurant, The Source. I held Krishna’s hand and escorted her inside. Scott Drewno didn’t hesitate to come out from the kitchen when he got word that we had arrived.

  “It’s been a while, Michael.” Scott said. I shook the man’s hand and stepped aside as he and Krishna shared a hug. “You men and your gorgeous wives.”

  “Don’t pump her head up.”

  “Oh please, she knows she’s a looker.” Scott laughed.

  “Yeah. I bet.” I wrapped my arm around her waist looking down at the beautiful smile across her face.

  “How is your brother? Haven’t seen him in a while either.” Scott was walking us to the upper level to be seated.

  “He’s doing well, balancing the family life like the rest of us.” I pulled out Krishna’s chair and then my own as we carried on small talk with Scott.

  “Well, let me get you guys set up. I’ll send a waiter with your drinks.” Scott left us in the quiet of the second floor. I watched Krishna pointlessly scroll the menu before her eyes caught mine.

  “What?” She smiled.

  “Nothing. I’ve missed you.”

  “Did you?” She grabbed my hand and rubbed her lips across my knuckles. “I hope it’s time for us to catch a break. I’m ready to be a married couple with four kids, you know?”

  “Four kids? Wow, we really have four kids. Are we that old?�
� I joked.

  “We’re that old!” She smirked. “But you know what I mean, Michael?”

  “Leave the bullshit behind? I get it completely.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “I think it’s about time. I mean, I want to settle into a role at the company but I’m not looking for eighty hours a week anymore. And I want to come home to you and the kids at a decent hour.”

  “That’d be nice. We have to find a way to recover from the shitty hand we’re holding. We can’t keep allowing everything to take us ten steps back.”

  “I get it. Alex, the pills, my dad, your uncle; it has tremendous pressure on us and most of it has honestly been my fault. I know this and I plan on making it right. And Alex and I are no longer an issue, you know that.

  “I do. She is my friend whether that was my intention or not and I’ll always have apprehensions about her just because. But above anything else she is a part of our family, she’s Daniel’s mother.”

  “I’ll be back.” I pushed my chair out and excused myself to the restroom. In the mirror I watched myself struggle to hold it together. I had spent all day thinking about my father and even called to hear his voicemail as I sat alone in the car waiting on Krishna’s flight to land.

  “This is exactly what is breaking us; talk to me. Tell me what has you ghost white. What is wrong? Are you taking pills again?”

  I shook my head, “I’m not taking anything, I’m exhausted. I’m still dealing with my father’s death. I didn’t sleep an ounce last night and I’ve been having nightmares. It’s a lot and I’m wearing thin.

  “Then tell me that. Let me in.” She begged. I leaned back in my chair and listened as Krishna rambled on. I wanted to open up to her but right now I couldn’t. I was still trying to process on my own first.

  “Are you finished?” I questioned as I watched the waiter climb the stairs with a tray of drinks.

  “We’ll finish this later.” She put on a phony smile for the waiter as he sat our plates down in front of us.

  We ate our meals in silence, forty agonizing minutes. I didn’t hear a word from her until she said parting words to Scott and we headed out.

  Krishna

  It was early when I rolled over to an empty bed. I knew Michael must have been up with the kids because my phone said it was an hour until noon. I rolled over onto my back and stared at the eggplant colored ceiling. It was the first time in a long time I felt so at peace. I could vaguely recall finishing off two bottles of wine last night, sitting across the room watching Michael read through the details of his father’s will. After giving him the silent treatment for a better part of the evening, the red liquid had loosened my tongue and I spent at least an hour trying to get under his skin. When I finally broke the camel’s back, he pinned me to the bed and before I had the sense to object I was undoing his belt twice as fast as the work he was making on my bra.

  And after that I remember gasping for air as he came inside of me, me shattering around him, almost in unison.

  That’s what I hated most about us. Making love to Michael, grasping at his tanned skin and midnight hair broke me into a million pieces and built me right back up all at once. I hated how perfect it made him seem and how fulfilled it made me feel. Sex was rose colored glasses for me when it came to him and on this morning I was having a hard time taking them off.

  After a brief shower I put on clothes. It was only three hours until I had to meet with my uncle and my nerves were unsuccessfully trying the wreck havoc on me. I stepped into my jeans, pulled my t-shirt over my head, slid into sandals, and grabbed my purse from the table by the bedroom door. After scurrying down the stairs and through every room on the downstairs floor, I found Michael, Daniel, the twins and Lincoln all sitting by the pool with their feet dipping in. They kicked around a beach ball, Daniel hopping in to retrieve it from the far end.

  I stood spying on my family for a few minutes, most impressed by my one year old twins who, when put in the water found their way onto their backs. Tristan in a fit of laughter after Daniel swam under them and then enveloped both of them into his arms. Lincoln sat complacent on the edge of the pool occasionally kicking up water. And Michael, who had manage to give attention to each of our children popped up near Lincoln, grabbing her and dunking her into the water making her screech before erupting in giggles and pushing his head under. He complied with her believed strength and stayed under long enough to make her swim back to him trying to pull him up by his hair and again he rewarded her, popping out of the water, the sun beating down on his face.

  He had finally spotted me standing in the shade of the tree off the deck. I smiled and made my way to the edge of the pool, kneeling and raking his wet hair from his face.

  “You gone?” He asked glancing back at the kids.

  “Yeah. I won’t be but a few hours. We can take the kids out for dinner or head over to Liam’s tonight. If that’s okay with you, I want to socialize a bit, been feeling a bit absent.”

  “That sounds fine; I’ll see what they’re up to.” I knelt to kiss him goodbye and he went back to playing with the kids in the pool as I walked back through the house. I took a deep breath before starting my car and heading to Baltimore.

  ***

  I couldn’t stop my heart from pounding as I pulled up to the restaurant. I hadn’t seen my uncle in ages and now I was going to see him for the first time knowing that he was my father. I put the car in park and waited out my nerves until I had the courage to go in. I stopped at the front of the restaurant. I called Charlie.

  “Tell me to go in. Tell me that I can do this and that I owe Henry nothing.” I begged the second he answered.

  “You don’t owe him anything. He wants exactly what you want, to build something now. Step up and live in the present. Nothing else matters right now.” Charlie confirmed.

  “What if that’s not what he wants?” I asked.

  “He wouldn’t be wasting his time or yours. Now go meet your father, not your uncle.” Charlie laughed. “You’ve got this. I’ll come see you later if I free up some time.”

  “Thanks, Charlie.” I hung up the phone and looked up at the large maple door. I took a deep breath and went inside.

  “I’m here for Henry Cloutier.” I said to the hostess.

  “Yes, right this way.” She escorted me through the chic restaurant to table in the corner. The grey haired man stood. The hostess left us there staring at one another.

  “Wow, Krishna, how you have grown.” Henry opened his arms and I stepped into them remembering the uncle that dressed up for my birthday parties, the one that always said yes when my parents said no. He gave me unwavering support throughout my childhood even though he wasn’t always around.

  I released him and stepped back and Henry pulled out my seat. I sat staring at the handsome blue-eyed man wondering how I never figured it out. He looked at me as if he regretted the whole situation. He spoke.

  “I just want to start by saying, I’m sorry. There were a million times I could have told you, several times I have tried but I couldn’t do it. I wanted to honor your parents, they loved you, and they raised you.” He exhaled.

  “I know. I don’t think I’m mad at you. I’m just confused.”

  “Listen, I loved you from the moment I found out about you, Amita did too. I was still in med school and Amita was being forced out of her community. But then my sister jokingly said they’d take you in a heartbeat and it was done. They wanted children badly but she just couldn’t get pregnant. And she was five year older than I, she was settled in her life and your father was ready to be a father. I wasn’t.”

  “I get it. I’m not mad Uncle Henry; I’ve just spent so long not knowing who I was only to find out that I was with my biological family all along. It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially after seeing Amita. I just—”

  “Amita is still alive?”

  “Yes, of course she is. How else would I have found out?”

  “I don’t know. I assumed her family found you after findi
ng your information in her things.”

  “No. I found her. I had to do a lot of work to find her, I hired a private investigator to help me search, and a friend. It led me to a retirement home in Toronto. Less of a retirement home, more like a crazy house.”

  “That’s sounds like Amita. She was this off the wall, wild, ray of sunshine. So bright and rebellious and that is exactly why I fell in love with her. I think she loved me because it was the wrong thing to do. She fought with her parents about it for months and everything finally came to a head when we found out about you.”

  “Why didn’t you two just leave, pick up elsewhere?”

  “That would have been easy for me. Amita, her culture, she didn’t want to shame her family, her father. It would mean bad things when it came time for her sisters to marry. And her father wanted to make the whole situation disappear but she fought him hard on that and told him that she’d give you up. So he found her a suitable husband and they forced me out of the picture. But not before Amita agreed to give you to Joan and Christopher.”

  “So why is his name on the birth certificate?” I asked trying to get every piece to the puzzle of my life.

  “I couldn’t sign it. I couldn’t even be there to meet you for the first time. And even once you were home with Joan; it took several months before I could hold you without crying. I felt like I had given up my world. But it got easier as you got older and after your parents passed, after I lost my sister, I couldn’t bring myself to look at you as my child anymore because they had done an amazing job and they deserved all the credit for the person you were.”

  “They were good parents.” I didn’t bother wiping my tears away. “And I can’t be mad that I had them to love me. I wouldn’t have the life I have if I was raised anywhere else.”

  “Tell me about the life you have now. I can see from the ring on your finger a million miles away.” We shared a laugh as I twisted the ring.

  “Married with four children; Daniel who’s my step-son is almost twelve, Lincoln is three and we have twin boys, Torrin and Tristan who are one.”