One More Time

by Caitlin Ricci

  I didn’t answer him at first while I thought things over. I could use him there, since I didn’t know how I’d really be able to manage what I knew was coming, but at the same time this was something I had to do, and I didn’t know if it was fair that Caleb had to be there with me.

  “Do you want to?” I finally just ended up asking him, because I still hadn’t decided what the right answer was.

  Caleb shrugged and leaned a bit over the steering wheel as he looked up at the tall tan-colored hospital. “I want to be there for you. You’re my friend.”

  I didn’t like that word coming from him so much, because I knew that to him I wasn’t just a friend. It hurt, a bit, that I couldn’t be more for him since I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. “I’d like you to come up,” I said after a few moments. He wouldn’t be able to come farther than the waiting room on the floor Simon was on, but having him there, knowing I had his support; I thought that might be enough for me. I hoped so at least.

  “Simon’s little sister though…. She can be a bit of a mess. She blames me for what happened to him, and I don’t know how she’d handle seeing us together.” I felt like I had to warn Caleb in case Cassandra went ballistic or something. It was already a lot to ask of someone I’d only really just met to come up with me. Dealing with Simon’s little sister would probably prove to be too much for most people.

  But Caleb just gave me a little smile that stretched his lips but didn’t reach his eyes, as he said, “I’m just there as your friend. I won’t hug or kiss you.”

  I nodded. That plan might work, I decided, as Caleb started to get out of the SUV and I followed after him. My steps were slow and my movements were jerky as we walked inside, but I managed to get us through the front door, past the chapel and the pharmacy, and up to the main elevators. The elevator was crowded, but after the first three floors where most people got off, it was a lot less so, and by the time we got to the tenth floor, only Caleb and I were on it.

  The elevator doors opened and for a moment I was frozen there. Nothing had changed since the day Simon had been transferred there from the ICU on the first floor. The walls were still the same unsettling color of baby-puke green and a familiar landscape of ducks swimming in a mountain lake hung behind the desk where a woman stood to greet us. I didn’t want to go out there. I would have been perfectly fine letting the elevator doors close on us and riding it all the way back down to the first floor where I would get out and go back to Caleb’s car. I could buy him Mexican food from the place down the street to thank him for driving me down to Denver, and we’d be back in Thornwood by the time the evening news came on.

  Only I couldn’t do that. I knew that. I wanted to, but I had to officially say good-bye to Simon because if I didn’t make my feet move, if I didn’t get off the elevator, if I never went to his room and held his hand again… if I didn’t get up the guts to do that today, then I knew I’d never have this chance again.

  So I stepped out of the elevator with Caleb directly behind my right shoulder. He wasn’t pushing me forward, but he was there, blocking my way out in case I decided to run. That might have been intentional, but maybe it wasn’t. I didn’t get a chance to ask him about it, though, because I saw Laura walking toward me.

  She’d always been pretty, my once-upon-a-time future mother-in-law, but it looked like she’d dressed up especially for the occasion. Her sleek black dress, high heels, and chunky silver necklace made her look like she was entertaining clients at her law firm, not saying good-bye to her only son. I felt extremely underdressed in my faded blue jeans and Thornwood Police shirt, but I couldn’t do anything about that now. She hugged me before I could even open up my arms and then kissed my cheek. She even went so far as to smooth my hair back from my face.

  “Look at you. Still as handsome as ever. Thank you for coming, Trent.”

  She kept her hands on my cheeks, and I wondered how she stayed so warm in such a cold, sterile-feeling hospital. I pulled slightly out of her reach so I could bring Caleb forward.

  “And you brought some support. That’s wonderful,” she said before I could begin to introduce him. I saw her gaze go from me to him, and I figured I had a pretty good idea of what she was thinking. But she was classy and didn’t say anything about me bringing a boyfriend to Simon’s death.

  I briefly touched Caleb’s shoulder, but I would have much rather taken his hand and held it. I didn’t want her to see me do that, though. Simon had been gone for five years, but this was still his mom and she’d always treated me well. “Laura, this is my friend Caleb. He drove me here since I didn’t think I’d be able to drive myself. Caleb, this is Simon’s mom.”

  Her smile grew to one of acceptance and understanding with none of the previous judgment behind it as she took Caleb into her arms just as she had with me. He awkwardly patted her back, something I hadn’t done since I hadn’t been able to move.

  “Nice to meet you,” he said as they separated.

  “You too, dear. I’m going to get some water. It’s terribly dry in this hospital. Trent, I’ll see you in the room soon.”

  It wasn’t a question, so I didn’t treat it like one. Instead I simply nodded and brought Caleb over to the waiting area. “There’s hot chocolate and things here,” I said unnecessarily. It was easy enough for him to look around and see the various cookie trays and beverage machines all waiting to be used by guests of the long-term-care floor.

  “Thanks.” Caleb sat down, then looked up at me.

  There were so many things I could have said to him right then. I thought he was brave for coming here with me, sweet for being supportive when most people wouldn’t have been, and sexy as hell in the just-a-bit-too-tight black tee he wore. “I’m glad you’re here,” I told him instead of any of that.

  He gave me a slow nod and looked at someone just behind my right hip. “You should go see Simon. Laura is waiting for you.”

  I glanced over my shoulder at her and gave her a little wave. I’d be there soon; she didn’t have to hover around waiting for me to join her family in Simon’s room. “Will you be here when I get out?” I asked as I turned away from Laura.

  He gave me a little smile and leaned forward over his knees. “Unless I find someone cuter.” His voice was soft, like he didn’t want to attract attention to us.

  I wanted to touch him, to hold his hand, to feel the warmth of his skin beneath my fingertips. Just…. Anything to remind myself that he cared about me and wasn’t going anywhere. He was my friend, and I needed him right then.

  “I’ll see you soon,” I promised.

  Caleb tilted his chin to the side before he shrugged. “Don’t rush.”

  Nodding, I stepped back from him and headed toward Laura, who was still waiting for me with a glass of ice water held delicately in her hand. “He looks like a good friend,” she said as we headed along a wide, deserted hallway.

  “He is.”

  Three more doors to pass before we got to Simon’s. I knew that physically I could walk that far but wanting to do so was a completely different story.

  “Have you known him long?”

  “A few weeks.”

  I saw her eyes widen a bit, but she didn’t get to say anything about the short amount of time I’d known Caleb because by then we were walking into Simon’s room, and I saw Cassandra sitting next to him in an ugly pink plastic chair, which reclined into something not quite comfortable but at least manageable. I’d fallen asleep like that with a thin hospital blanket over me in the first few weeks after Simon had been brought to the hospital. That had been back when I’d still held out hope of seeing him open his eyes again.

  Cassandra had been crying; that was obvious by her red, puffy cheeks and bloodshot eyes. Simon’s little sister had still been in high school when we met. She had to have graduated from college by now, but I wasn’t going to ask her what was going on in her life or how she was. The first wasn’t my business, and I could tell easily enough about the second. She was in hell—the
y both were—and I felt out of place just being there. Simon’s dad had passed only the year before from prostate cancer and now his family was going to lose him too.

  Cassandra stopped looking at me and went back to talking quietly to Simon as she rubbed his hand between her own. She talked about nothing and everything all at once. I heard about a kitten, how her roommate ate her favorite cheese, how the pizza wasn’t nearly as good in Boston as she’d been told. I didn’t interrupt her as I sat down across from her on Simon’s other side. Laura tried to get me to sit up by his head, but I quietly refused. That was her place by her son. I was glad to hold his other hand. I didn’t talk to him like Cassandra was doing, but not only because I didn’t want to interrupt her.

  I’d said everything I needed to say to Simon years before. I’d spent weeks at his side just talking to him, hoping for a miracle, begging him to wake up, wishing that my voice would somehow magically bring him back from wherever he’d gone. But nothing had worked, and the weeks had turned into months, which had slowly, painfully, bled into years. Laura had maxed out her credit cards, put a second mortgage on her house, and spent nearly all of Cassandra’s college fund just to keep Simon in the best hospital in Denver. She’d needed a miracle too, but I was glad she finally decided he’d had enough and it was time to let him go. It wasn’t the money that made her come here today. I knew she would have done anything she had to if she thought there was still a chance of Simon waking up.

  I didn’t tell her, but I was grateful she was going to let him go. We could all begin to grieve, to heal, and to move on. In some way I knew I’d probably always love Simon, but I didn’t think it was good for them to be so tied to him like they were. I remembered rock climbing and sprinting through the forest around Thornwood with him. I chose not to remember him like this.

  The man in the bed was thinner than my Simon had ever been. He probably could have gained twenty pounds and still not been a healthy weight. His lack of muscle also made him look small. Simon had never been built, but he’d been healthy and strong. They’d cut his hair, though, at Laura’s request, about a month after he moved up to this floor. She said it was easier for them to manage. I remembered all the times she told him he needed a haircut. I knew he never would have shaved it all off, though, because when he was my Simon his hair had been down to the middle of his back and often braided. He’d been proud of it, and I could still remember the feeling of those long strands running over my chest when he was with me.

  I rubbed my thumb over his knuckles and wished there was something, anything to let me know he was still around, that he knew I was with him. But I got no response, and maybe that was the most merciful thing of all.

  The head of the department, Dr. Glen Fitzgerald, came in twenty minutes later. He’d been Simon’s lead doctor for the last five years, and we all knew him pretty well. After I had to go back to work I called him every day for a while, hoping there was some change in Simon. Then my calls only happened weekly until once a month became the norm. I hadn’t spoken to him in almost a year, but thankfully he didn’t mention that detail as he gave each of us a soft smile.

  “Laura, Cassandra, Trent, I’m glad the three of you could make it here today. Laura, you asked that something be said today, so I’ve invited Pastor Tom to come talk, if that’s all right with you?”

  Dr. Fitzgerald had a quiet way about him, something I’d always appreciated while on this floor surrounded by people who seemed to need the most comforting and patients who were completely helpless. Laura nodded and grabbed my free hand as tightly as she could. She laid her other over Simon’s chest, where Cassandra placed her hand over her mother’s. She couldn’t speak between her tears but gave Dr. Fitzgerald a jerky nod.

  I wasn’t religious, and Simon hadn’t been either, but Laura and Cassandra were, so I wasn’t alarmed that she had asked for someone to come in today. Pastor Tom surprised me, though, because the first thing I noticed about him was the rainbow sash he wore over his dark gray suit. I stared at it for a good minute before I noticed his hand on my shoulder.

  “Hi,” I said. I licked my lips and squeezed Laura’s hand when she nearly broke my fingers with her own.

  “I know you two weren’t much for churches, or God, and I understand why Simon felt that way,” Laura told me softly. “But I found someone who I think he would have liked to talk to. If he could have.” Her voice broke on a sob, and I gave her a nod.

  “I think we both would have liked to talk to someone like you sometimes,” I told Pastor Tom honestly. It wasn’t just that he obviously accepted our love; it was that he looked genuinely kind, and Simon had once told me the world needed more kindness in it. I tended to agree with him on that, even now.

  “I’ll leave my card with all of you. If you need to talk or want to come to the chapel to see me, I’m always available. If I’m not there, you can usually find me in the cafeteria by the chocolate chip cookies.”

  I managed a little smile at his words and took a deep breath as he stepped closer to Simon. “With your permission, I would like to say a prayer.” Laura nodded and bowed her head.

  Things were snowballing now, spiraling out of my control, though I’d never really had control around Simon to begin with. He was a firestorm in my life, and for nearly a year I’d felt like I was flying every time we were together. It seemed almost fitting that today would leave me with the same kind of whirlwind feeling.

  Pastor Tom spread his arms a little, lifted his palms up, and looked right at Simon as if they were about to have a conversation before he and Cassandra lowered their heads. I kept mine up so I could watch Simon. Now that the time had come, I didn’t want to look away from him at all. “Dear Lord, we’re here today to say good-bye to Simon Matthew Pritchard, a dearly loved son, brother, friend, and partner. Sadly I never had the chance to meet Simon before he came to stay at this hospital, but I’m told he was always happy, a good man, and the best kind of friend. Today we lose a special person full of compassion and love, and he will be sorely missed from this world. Lord, we ask you to please bless Simon today, to forgive him for anything he may have done in his life, and to welcome him into your arms so that he may be with you for all of eternity. Amen.”

  “Amen,” I whispered brokenly, along with Cassandra and Laura. Cassandra looked over at me and for once I didn’t see anger all over her face, or blame. For one short second she looked like she believed that I was hurting too, that I’d loved her brother as much as I said I did, and that I was sorry he spent the last five years of his life in this bed. I’d never wanted him to get hurt, never intended for him to fall. She never believed me in all these years, but right then it seemed like maybe she did. I hoped I was right, not because I needed her to believe me, but because I thought she needed to let go of blaming me for something that was truly an accident.

  Dr. Fitzgerald stepped forward, along with two nurses, as Pastor Tom moved back. “When you’re ready, we’ll turn off the machines. Simon will be gone shortly after that. You’re welcome to stay with him as long as you want. I’ll make sure you aren’t bothered.”

  “Thank you,” Laura told him. “And you too, Pastor Tom.”

  He nodded, patted my shoulder, then stood quietly off to the side as Dr. Fitzgerald came closer. Laura whispered to him, because if she raised her voice any higher than that, it began to crack. I watched, with my breath held tightly in my chest, as Dr. Fitzgerald began turning off one machine after another. His movements were slow but precise, as if he didn’t want to rush us in this process. I appreciated that.

  The beeps of the machines slowly quieted and, after the nurses had checked him over and nodded to Dr. Fitzgerald, we were left alone with Simon. I continued to hold his hand, though I knew he was gone. He’d been gone for years. But still I couldn’t stop touching him.

  Nearly half an hour later, Cassandra was the first to get up from her chair. She’d been quietly crying, but as her cries had grown into loud sobs, I guess she’d needed to leave. When she didn�
��t come back right away, Laura rose from her seat, kissed Simon on his forehead, touched me on top of my head, and then went after her.

  Which left me alone with the man I’d once planned to marry, to spend the rest of my life with, to maybe even start a family with someday. We’d have a dog first, not children, though we’d talked about adopting them someday too. With his accident, though, everything in my life had been torn apart. I leaned forward and rested my forehead against his knuckles. I sighed and closed my eyes. I wasn’t ready to leave, couldn’t say good-bye to him yet. Knowing he’d been gone for years and being ready to never see him again were two completely different things. And I couldn’t do the latter yet.

  Someone came into the room and I didn’t move. Whoever it was, I didn’t care, but then I felt someone touching the back of my head, and I turned my head to see Caleb sitting down next to me.

  Chapter Nine

  Caleb

  I WASN’T sure if I should have gone into the room, but once I saw Laura come out, and Trent hadn’t come down the hall with her, I went in search of him. I kept my hand on the back of his neck as I sat down next to him in the empty chair.

  “Hi,” he murmured.

  I forced a smile, even though I wasn’t exactly comfortable being there. “Hey. Can I get you anything?”

  Trent shook his head, then laid his cheek against Simon’s hand. I didn’t look at Simon and didn’t really want to either. I wasn’t comfortable around death, no matter who it was, and to add to that the person lying in front of us was someone Trent obviously still cared about. I know what he’d said. I’d heard him tell me he didn’t still love Simon, but looking at his face and the tears in his eyes, I knew he either hadn’t been completely honest with me, or maybe just not with himself.

  And I couldn’t bring myself to be mad at him for it at all. People thought they fell in love all the time. Hell, I’d thought I was in love with Paul. I might even have been. But I knew I’d never been in love with someone like Trent had probably loved Simon. I was jealous, and hurt, which made me feel like an asshole because regardless of anything else, including how much I wanted him, Trent was my friend, and right then he was hurting more than I knew I ever had.