Dark Times
Page 13
GAM: In allllllll honessssty, Emmmilllyyyyy, that is up to youuuuuuuuuuuu and youuuuu aloooone!
Me: [Shoulda known I’d get a non-answer like that.] Kayyyy . . . then AT LEAST give me a clue about those letters we found in the tunnels under Lily’s house. Just one clue, it’s all I ask!!!!
GAM: Cerrrrrrtainly, myyyyy dearrrrr. My lassssst name . . . it’ssssss Essssssstrany.
Me: [Light breaking.] M.K., C.U., A.M., M.E.: Mildred Különös, Camilla Underlig, Amelia Merwürdig, Millie Estrany! . . . Thanks, Aunt Millie.
Later
Have just gotten off the phone with Jakey. Conversation was as follows:
ME: ’Sup, Cousin. Just got back from hanging out with our ancestors.
Jakey: [Long pause.] [Seriously long pause.] . . . Whoa . . .
Me: AHhahhahhaAHHhah. You get all that?
J: Yeah . . . wow. Great-Grandpa Caleb . . . and Great-Grandma Opal . . . and Uncle Boris . . .
Me: I know, huh?
J: Did I ever tell you that my mom named my parrot Lily cuz it was an old family name?
Me: Whoahhh. . . . Hey, so, you know the worst part of all this, right?
J: Um, wow, I hope you mean the part about you and me being related to Attikol, cuz I can’t think of anything worse than that.
Me: On the nose, kid. Look, all of that claptrap aside, could you do me a favor and take a peek inside Attikol’s mind, and see if he knows of any living descendants of Lily’s family?
J: [Short pause.] [Clearly Attikol is a man of not so much mind.] Hey, that’s weird. Yesterday he was hot on your trail . . . and today he believes that Lily’s family all died in 1790. What gives?
Me: That, my friend, is what success looks like, thank you very much. One last question: Any future plans in his mind regarding Seasidetown?
J: Well, suddenly he’s thinking of taking a trip out there to check some basement for a black potion. Weird!
Me: I expected as much. Well, he won’t find anything there, so I guess THAT’S all right.
J: Gotcha. K, well, I guess you owe me one now, right? For telling you about that diary? Huh?
Me: Maybe. Then again, maybe not. I mean, I did talk Great-Grandpa Caleb into taking a hit for you.
J: [Another short pause.] Oh. Wow. Thanks.
Me: Say goodbye to constant surveillance, kiddo!
J: Seriously, though, I keep hoping you’ll figure out a way to spring me from this stupid medicine show. Hey, come on, I AM your cousin.
Me: [Sighing.] Don’t you think I WANT to help you out?
J: Um, I CAN read your thoughts, remember? I KNOW you think it’s handy having a psychic kid hanging out with Attikol, keeping tabs on him for you. But it’s not all about you, man! I mean, I haven’t seen my mom since I was a year old!
Me: [Mortified.] All right, Cuz, I’m sorry. Look, keep me posted on where you guys go next, and I’m sure I can come up with something, K?
J: K . . . thanks, dude.
Later
Glammering jibwax! Just had THEEE most unusual experience in the mudroom. I have met one of my great-nieces!!! I’d taken the Time-Out Machine outdoors for a quick hosing-off and general sterilizing65 and was just coming back inside when this girl straight up MATERIALIZED in the doorway and totally made me drop my bleach bottle.
ME: AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Girl: Shh, shh, seriously, everything’s HJ. I’m a relative of yours. I’m
here to help you.
Me: Oh cowcakes. Don’t tell me.
G: I came from the future. My name’s Whylime. I’m here to keep you from getting stuck forever in the 1790s.
ME: Dude, you’re kind of late. I’ve already been and come back.
Whylime: [Snorting.] Did you just say “dude”?
ME: [Snorting right back at her.] Did you say everything was “HJ”?
W: Huckbats! I KNEW I should have brushed up on twenty-first century colloquialisms.
Me: And did you say your name was “Whylime”?
W: Yeah, Whylime. What, you’ve never heard it? It’s been the number one baby name for the past 13 years.
Me: Oh man. That sucks rocks. [Seeing her blank expression.] I mean . . . how regrettable.
W: [Shrugging.] It’s HJ now that StarrKeisha is number one.
Me: . . . Whoa.
W: Yeah, all it took was for us to elect StarrKeisha Vasquez-Tantiwittayapitak our very first Thai-Latina double amputee President.
ME: . . . . . . . . . . Whoa. [Slight bleeding from brain.]
W: Well, sorry I couldn’t help you out, Great-Aunt Emily . . . Ummm, actually? I’m supposed to be working on this history report. Do you mind . . . ?
ME: Not a bit. I’ve got an incredible collection of twentieth-century punk rock 45s that you may find interesting.
W: [Suppressing yawn.] HJ . . . or you could just teach me some of your old-timey slang. You know, like “sprocket” and “radtarded.”
It’s kind of comforting to know that centuries in the future, youth will continue to sneer at their elders’ version of coolness. Even so, I had to teach Whylime a lesson on Respect for Aunties. She will be picking spiderwebs out of her teeth and hair for the next week!!!!! Ahhahhahhaaaahhha! Then I gave her some seeds from Lily’s garden to use in her Time-Out Machine, and sent her on her way. Her mother is going to LOVE the report she writes on THAT little journey!
Later
Mom has just been in to tell me that I may be able to go back to the 1790s and change the world, but I still have to finish my homework if I want credit for the current school year. Placketjax!
Tomorrow’s assignment: Look into getting my GED!!!!
Appendix A
Appendix B
Progress Report for Emily Strange with Self-Evaluations
Current Developments in Particle Physics
Fantastic effort! Have read everything Duntzton library has on the topic. Will need to visit other towns for more literature. Preferably towns that actually have universities.
Advanced Practicum in Krav Maga
As expected, my trainers at Fight Club are very impressed with my skills, and have been clamoring for permission to spar with Raven themselves.66
Complex Number Theory
Am turning in top-quality work, but am on thin ice with Professor Mayer after a misguided (but irresistible) booby-trapping of her favorite easy chair. Will probably need to make peace using some of Mom’s home-baked cookies!
Great Poetry of the 13th Century
Will need to take an incomplete this semester. Enjoyed the high adventure of the Nibelungenlied, but got bogged down in the spirituality of Rumi. Will try again when I am feeling more open-minded toward enlightenment.
Fingerpainting
Brilliant work on all assignments. Promoted self to Toepainting next semester.
Music Theory
Have mastered standard tunings for the guitar to Mom’s satisfaction. No promises that I will ever actually use them, though.
History of the Strange Family
Participation excellent! Completed all quests and most assignments; turned in 13 points’ worth of extra credit. Still much to learn, but good progress all around. Am looking forward to further lessons!!!!
Appendix C
Watch out for Emily’s strangest adventure yet:
13 thought-provoking features of Emily’s next diary:
1. The Thought Thief
2. Ancestral enemies (and a few ancestral friends)
3. Modern-day Seasidetown
4. FelinoMobileTranscriptoSpy devices
5. Abandoned souvenir kiosk
6. Jakey’s memories
7. Super secret book vault
8. Stolen blueprints
9. Regret Maneuvers A through Z
10. Final exams in Particle Physics and How-to with Glue
11. Hero-worshipping engineers
12. The 13th Dark Girl
13. Black rock
1 Not that I have any intention of using these supplies at an actual SCH
OOL.
2 If only I hadn’t used up all the liquid black rock I brought back from my ancestral home! That stuff was genius for powering whatever kind of crazy machine I poured it into.
3 Dumchester, Ridicaville, Tootleston, Blandindulle, Silifordville, Duntzton . . . I think the names say it all.
4 I’ll always have a fond place in my heart for that scurvy, which baffled doctors in three towns by resisting even the most determined doses of lime juice and vitamin C tablets, and kept me happily out of school through the third grade.
5Actually very small robots I programmed to stay in my hair until mid-June the following year.
6 My trusty slingshot. Clearly, they were looking for any opportunity to see me gone.
7 “Decided” = “were bribed to agree.”
8 Normally I’d appreciate this, as long as the person in question works and plays well with ME.
9 Totally authentic, by the way.
10 Of course, the way I lie, it’s an art.
11 Forgetting? Or . . . preferring not to remember?
12 Mom did not believe I had contracted malaria over dinner.
13 Sort of a goody-goody talent, if you ask me, but impressive nonetheless.
14 Assuming I can get the flammerbarking thing running!
15 Expository essay on my journey—13 points. Extra credit for drawings and/or photos.
16 Not, like, witty banter or anything. More like vacant stares in his general direction, breathing, and the occasional “Uhhhhhh . . . Iono?”
19 Approx. 99.66% of my thoughts.
20 Well, at least I’ve changed THIS version of history enough that she won’t be dying of white fever. I suppose she could still die of scurvy, “persuasive techniques,” or gamma rays from Planet X.
21 OK, it had only been about an hour . . .
but still, one hour of imprisonment is too long for me.
22 Doing minor damage to Great-Aunt Lily’s clothing in the process. Girls really did not dress for physical activity in the 1790s.
23 Would not normally be able to fall asleep at 9 p.m. anyway, but was up all day with Lily. Am finding it curious that a Dark Aunt would be awake during daylight hours. Must question Lily about this.
24 Uncharacteristically social for both of us. I blame A) caffeine, B) giddiness from lack of sleep, and C) Lily’s 13-year abstinence from socializing.
25 YES! Chamber pots. They are every bit as disgusting as I always feared.
26 It better not be slingshotting, skateboarding, or shredding on the guitar. I mean, I’m proud of my skills, but I’ll hold out for something more . . . extraordinary.
27 How awesome that I had to bring an off-limits tasty foodstuff tasty foodstuff into a house where everyone is ravenous!
28 Though nowhere near as odd as some I’ve written myself
29 Uglier than hominy, that’s for sure.
30 That she knows of!!!!!!
31 Was half expecting to find some dead Dark Girls, if you want to know the dead dark truth.
32 “Found” = “bumped into, face-first.”
33 Philosophy of nonviolence kinda fell by the wayside today. Will try to do better tomorrow. Assuming no one attacks me.
34 His place being in the dirt, groaning with pain.
35 Just a hot/stuffy/chamber-pot-scented-air problem.
36 Nor the wardrobe for it.
37 As well as the less renowned (but insanely useful) test-tube cozy.
38 There’s a gory joke in there somewhere . . .
39 “Aunts alive today? Sorry, E, I don’t know of any.” Harrumph!!!!
40 See items #2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 13 above. Cheeeeeeeeeze!!!!
41 I don’t entirely approve of this. But . . . I guess I don’t entirely disapprove, either. I almost applauded when they started using miscellaneous 1790s contraptions as musical instruments.
42 That, and I kind of prefer to believe they are the work of giant mutant mole monsters. Am keeping that theory to myself.
43 There’s nothing like hunger to make you like 1790s food all over again.
44 To be completely honest, I was pleased that Sweetie-Pie noticed how neatly I’d boarded up the warehouse. Later I took her on a little tour of the space and showed her all the places I’d reinforced, booby-trapped, or otherwise secured the perimeter. By the end of our rounds she was suggesting refinements.
45 From, like, hundreds down to, like, zero.
46 Not since a particularly embarrassing incident when I was six.
47 OK, so I don’t have the power of command like Sweetie-Pie . . . but hey, Sweetie-Pie takes suggestions from ME. Not bad!
48 Can’t say THAT’S never happened to me before.
49 Worth 13 out of 13 points and a shiny black star!!!
50 Will be showing the whole gang how to make some wicked mods to their slingshots.
51 Luckily, Lily and Sweetie-Pie don’t have the word “contagious” in their vocabularies, so I didn’t have to reassure them that they couldn’t get white fever from sick people.
52 Dratting joithead psychics and their no respect for privacy!
53 Teachings that he found in MY mind. Habberflacking psychics and their lazy research habits!
54 I will be doing some fact-checking with James, Matthew, and Sweetie-Pie, you bet your cheeks!!!
55 Man, I LOOOOOVE those times when it pays to be a pack rat!
56 Am now feeling the consequences of training Great-Aunt Lily in self-confidence!
57 Would also like to avoid my Blandindulle self, who is standing a couple yards away with her back to me.
58 Anyway, it’s really only good for playing solitaire.
59 Flamjarks! It’s lucky for me and Lily that embalming wasn’t more widespread in 1790!
60 Oh, man. I LOVE the fact that I can write sentences like that about my family!
61 That’s actually a bit of a lie. We used the T.O.M., of course.
62 By quoting Caleb’s pet name for Opal—“Gem of my heart.” Ewwwwww.
63 Not its actual name. Too bad!!!
64 And therefore One of the Good Ones, in my book.
65 Can’t risk an anachronistic smallpox outbreak, y’know.
66 However, crushes on Raven are suspected. Permission denied!
Also Strange:
Emily the Strange: The Lost Days
Emily the Strange: Stranger and Stranger
Copyright
Emily the Strange: Dark Times
Copyright © 2011 Cosmic Debris Etc., Inc.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Reger, Rob.
Dark times / Rob Reger and Jessica Gruner ; illustrated by Rob Reger. — 1st ed.
p. cm. — (Emily the Strange)
Summary: Traveling in her homemade Time-Out Machine, Emily journeys to the eighteenth century to uncover the truth behind a Strange family rumor.
ISBN 978-0-06-145235-2