Standup Guy

by Stuart Woods

  “Write how many hundreds you left in each place,” Manny said, pulling the stack from Howard’s money clip and counting that.

  “There,” Howard said, shoving the legal pad toward Manny.

  Manny looked at the list. “Howard, no normal human being could read this handwriting. Take me through it, slowly.”

  Howard took the pad back. “Okay, I picked up the money from the man out in the trailer, then I left and came up to the clubhouse, to the bar, and I bought everybody there a round. That came to five hundred and change, so six hundreds.”

  Manny wrote down six. Howard continued with his day—lunch, more drinks, then a series of bets at the hundred-dollar window. “I didn’t lose it all,” he said. “I won some back.”

  “I’m not interested in what you won back, Howard, just the hundreds with the little red stamp on them.”

  Howard worked his way through the list. He had bought a couple of suits at a Lauderdale shop that Manny knew; he had given a hundred to a beggar on the street because he liked the beggar’s dog. Manny knew the beggar; Manny knew the dog. He had sent some flowers to his girlfriend, as distinguished from his wife. Manny knew the flower shop. This continued to the end of the list.

  Manny toted up a total. “Okay, you spread around about three grand on the street, and another five hundred in the clubhouse. You bet another four grand. We got a total of twelve thousand, one hundred dollars on the table here.” Manny went through his pockets and produced wads of cash, much of it in hundreds. He counted out the money, then made Howard count it again, then gave him newer hundreds and took all the old ones and stuffed them into his pockets.

  “Now listen, Howard,” Manny said. “I’ve made you whole, right?”

  “Right.”

  “And I’ve saved you from going to prison or getting a hole in your head, if you keep your mouth shut. You going to keep your mouth shut, Howard?”

  “Yes, Manny, I certainly am. And I very much appreciate your help in all this.”

  “Not a word to another soul, Howard, or people will come after you. If anybody asks you about a hundred with a red stamp, you don’t know nothing, you never heard of such a thing, got it?”

  “Got it.”

  Manny walked Howard back into the club, then he took the elevator down to the parking lot and walked a hundred yards, where he came to a parked Cadillac with an Airstream trailer attached to it. He hammered a code knock on the door, which was opened by the bookkeeper.

  “I got twelve thousand, one hundred bucks in hundred-dollar bills,” he said. “You shipping today?”

  “I ship every day,” the bookkeeper said.

  “Give me eleven thousand one hundred from your shipment and replace it with this.”

  The man counted out the money and accepted the stack from Manny. “What’s this about, Manny?”

  “Accounting,” Manny said. “Now send your shipment, and we never had this conversation.”

  The man nodded, and Manny left the trailer and went back to the clubhouse.

  Meanwhile there were seventy-nine series 1966 hundred-dollar bills in the wind in and around Lauderdale and points north, south, east, and west, for all he knew. Since they weren’t bundled, there was a good chance they’d just disappear, until some scanner in some bank somewhere picked them up. It was pretty near untraceable, and it was the best he could do. He put it out of his mind and went back to handicapping.

  25

  Stone’s day was closing, and he called Holly Barker.

  “Yes?”

  “It’s Stone. Dinner tonight?”

  “You poor dear, did last weekend make you think I was available for a social life again?”

  “It gave me hope.”

  “Stone, I had a little break in work, and I was randy, just like you.”

  “You certainly know how to sweet-talk a guy.”

  “I am once again submerged in work, and there’s no time for sweet talk. I’ll call you if I can ever breathe again, all right?”

  “All right.”

  “I do love you, baby, but my country needs me more than you do right now.”

  “Okay.” They both hung up. That had been a little depressing, but that was the way Holly was. In the meantime, he had no plans for the evening, and Dino wasn’t pretty enough. It occurred to him that he had not called Hank Cromwell, who had drawn such a nice portrait of him. He did so.

  “Well, I wasn’t sure you would call,” she said.

  “O ye of little faith.”

  “You didn’t say you would.”

  “That was implicit in my request for your phone number.”

  “I guess it was, at that.”

  “I know it’s late to call, but would you like to have dinner tonight?”

  “I would,” she replied. “Where and what time?”

  “Where do you live?”

  “Murray Hill.”

  “In that case, may we meet at Patroon at eight?” He gave her the address.

  “Sounds good. I don’t know the restaurant. How dressy is it?”

  “I’ll wear a necktie.”

  “Ooookay. See you then.”

  Stone hung up, and Joan came to the door. “Anything else? I thought I’d get out of here at a decent hour.”

  “Good idea. I just have to sort out what’s on my desk, so I’ll remember tomorrow what I was doing today, then I’m out of here, too.”

  “Good night, then.” She vanished.

  Five minutes later, the phone rang. “Hello?”

  “It’s Emma. How are you, darling?”

  “Just thinking I would never hear from you again. And you?”

  “Feeling guilty for not having called since you gave me the name of that sweet DCI Throckmorton.”

  “Sweet? Are we talking about the same grizzled curmudgeon?”

  “Oh, his mustache and eyebrows could use a trim, and he’s a little grouchy, but he responds well to gentle treatment and a smile.”

  “I’m relieved to hear that. I thought he was some sort of android invented by the Metropolitan Police.”

  “Well, he knows what he’s doing, I’ll give him that. It took him three days to sort out my problem.”

  “And how did he do that?”

  “He began questioning everybody with access to my designs, and he can be a very intimidating questioner. He just asks and sits there like he’s daring them to lie to him. Very effective.”

  “I must remember that technique.”

  “Anyway, it was the art director on our account at our ad agency. He started asking questions in that way of his, and she crumbled like a biscuit. She’d been color faxing somebody in Paris every design of ours that crossed her desk, which was about ten percent of our output, just the things we were using in our advertising.”

  “I congratulate you.”

  “I gave Throckmorton a check for ten thousand pounds. Do you think that was fair?”

  “Fair? I’m surprised he didn’t clutch his chest and turn blue.”

  “It wasn’t enough?”

  “It was more than enough. I doubt he’s seen that much cash in one place in his whole life, unless it was the proceeds of a bank robbery he was investigating. Are you sending your design thief to prison?”

  “I declined to bring charges against the poor woman, but she got fired.”

  “That was wise of you. I doubt if she’ll do it again, if she can find another job in the ad business. Does this happy turn of events mean you’ll be coming to New York now?”

  “I will be, but not now. It’s very, very busy here, and we’re planning the bigger office in L.A.”

  “Oh.”

  “Don’t be sad, my dear. We’ll see each other soon. Sooner, if you’d like to turn up in London for a few days.”

  “Now, that’s an interesting th
ought. Do I have to stay at the Connaught?”

  “Certainly not, you’re not allowed to stay anywhere but with me.”

  “You’re sure you have room?”

  “It’s a king-sized bed, or as I like to think of it, playing field.”

  “Let me see when I can carve a few days out of my busy schedule. Maybe I’ll surprise you.”

  “Promise?”

  “Sort of. Joan has already gone home, and she’s the only person who can give me permission to leave town.”

  “Then I will look forward to hearing from you. Good night.”

  Stone hung up. Ah, London: it had been a while, and he loved London.

  26

  Alvin Griggs was called into his boss’s office during what would ordinarily have been his coffee break, and told to sit down. He did.

  “Al, we’ve taken in six more series 1966 hundred-dollar bills,” the AIC said. “Two of them at Fort Lauderdale International Airport, where somebody, we don’t know who, yet, paid cash for an airline ticket, we don’t know where to, yet.”

  “And the others?”

  “Two at the Greyhound bus station ticket office in Miami—again from whom and to where remain to be determined. Then there was one given to a livery driver in Miami and deposited into his bank account, and one—this will amuse you—taken from a high-end hooker who got busted.”

  Griggs was not amused. “So, the money is being used for the purposes of travel and entertainment? Sounds like tourists to me—two of whom were on their way home to wherever. It occurs to me, too, that since we have found so few of these notes, not very much of the money is in circulation—certainly not seven million dollars of it.”

  “I’m entertaining the notion that what we’ve found is like the fuse to a bomb.”

  “You mean, if we follow the trail, it will blow up in our faces? I tend to agree.”

  “Very funny, Al.”

  “I wasn’t trying to be funny. I believe one person has all the money, and that he’s spent it rather sparingly while he figures out how to launder it. What we’re picking up didn’t come directly from that person’s hands. We’re getting it two or three generations of spenders away from him. One guy wouldn’t be taking both an airplane and a Greyhound bus out of South Florida.”

  “You have a low opinion of this case, don’t you, Al?”

  “It’s just that we seem to be in a lose-lose situation. The best we can hope for is to identify the guy who has the seven million dollars from the robbery, and if we do, all we’ll do is make the FBI look smart when we turn him over, and we both know they’re not all that smart.”

  “Don’t you think it would be satisfying to find the guy who has all the cash?”

  “Not particularly. He couldn’t be charged with stealing it, because the guy we know stole it died a few weeks ago, and because the statute has run out on the crime. The very worst that could be done with him is a charge of receiving stolen property, and I’m not so sure that, after so long, it’s even stolen property. And that particular crime isn’t what we’re tasked to investigate. Honest to God, boss, I don’t know why you’re so enchanted with this case. I mean, it’s not even a case.” Griggs could have gone on, but he sensed he was getting very close to the edge of insubordination, so he stopped.

  “Al, if you were in possession of this money, what would you do with it?”

  “I’d get it into a foreign bank, pronto,” Griggs said. “Before I could spend another dime of it.”

  “Where?”

  “The Bahamas, maybe, or the Caymans. Then I’d begin drawing on my balance in nice, new notes and start spending it like a drunken sailor. I think it’s extremely unlikely that a foreign bank would even notice that the bills are old, and even if they did, why would they care? Pretty soon the money will be making its way around the world, from account to account and pocket to pocket. It probably already is.”

  The AIC heaved a deep sigh. “All right, Al, you’ve convinced me. You’re off the case. Go find me some counterfeit money, or something.”

  “Thank you, boss.” Griggs got out of there as fast as he could.

  • • •

  Stone got to the restaurant five minutes early, and Hank Cromwell turned up on time, in a smashing little black dress and pearls and a rather large handbag. They exchanged cheek kisses, and he liked her perfume.

  “What would you like to drink?” he asked.

  “An Absolut martini, straight up, with a fistful of olives. And then another, please.”

  “I’ll try to avoid gaps between drinks.”

  Their drinks came, and they touched glasses and sipped.

  “Are you armed tonight?” she asked.

  Stone snapped his fingers. “Damn it, I forgot!”

  “If somebody had fired at my front door, I’d be walking around with a shotgun,” Hank said.

  “I can’t imagine where you’d hide it—certainly not in that dress.”

  “I’ll bet if I carried it openly, nobody would bother me.”

  “Nobody but one or more police officers.”

  “Well, there is that. I did go armed for a while, during one period of my life.”

  “What period of your life was that?”

  “The period when I was endeavoring to obtain a complete and final exit from the company of an Italian gentleman who had a lot of friends with broken noses and bulges under their silk suits.”

  “And how long did that period last?”

  “About seven months, before he finally got discouraged. He was very persistent.”

  “How on earth did you become involved with him?”

  “Well,” she said, “I met him at the bar at P.J. Clarke’s. How about that for a coincidence?”

  Stone laughed. “You must spend a lot of time at Clarke’s.”

  “Been there exactly twice—met him the first time and you the second. I’m hoping for better from you.”

  “I’ll try not to disappoint you.”

  She patted his cheek with a cool hand. “You’re sweet.”

  “How did you find out the Italian guy was connected?”

  “Connected?”

  “A Mafioso.”

  “It took me a little while, actually. He told me he was in the auto parts business, but I didn’t realize the parts were all secondhand and that he was running something called a chop shop in Red Hook, Brooklyn. Still is, for all I know.”

  “Would it make you happy if I had him arrested?”

  “I thought you were no longer a cop.”

  “I’m not, but my best friend in the world is. Would you like me to mention his name to Dino?”

  She looked thoughtful. “I must admit, the notion of his being behind bars has a lot to recommend it, but the possible consequences don’t. I’d have to testify against him, wouldn’t I?”

  “Did you ever visit his place of business?”

  “No, I finally just put two and two together. He used only cash, no credit cards or checks, and he peeled it off a roll the size of your fist, which was secured with a rubber band. And, as an afterthought, there was the .45 in the shoulder holster.”

  “Then you wouldn’t make much of a witness,” Stone said, “since you don’t know anything. He could be just an honest businessman with an unreasoning fear of the IRS and other people with guns. Still, the cops could nose around Red Hook and see what they find.”

  “I’m sure they’d find a garage full of Porsche and Mercedes hulks. That was what he drove, and it was never the same car twice.”

  “Who was this guy?”

  “One Onofrio Buono,” she said. “Known as Bats, and not because he was crazy.”

  “Buono is a familiar name,” Stone said.

  “He’s the only one of those I ever met.”

  “A gentleman of the same surname, one Eduardo Buono,
led a heist at Kennedy Airport a long time ago, during which fifteen million dollars in cash abruptly changed ownership. Half of it was never recovered, and the elder Mr. Buono died in prison quite recently. Any of that ring a bell?”

  “Not really. I mean, I suppose Bats had a father named Buono, but he hardly ever came up in conversation.”

  “Can you remember a time when he did?”

  “Bats mentioned, once, that his father used to beat the shit out of his mother, a trait that I came to believe was genetically handed down from generation to generation.”

  “Was he abusive to you?”

  “Just once. He slapped me around early one evening, and I got him slapped in jail for the remainder of it. I immediately took a two-week vacation to nowhere, and my car drove itself to an island in Maine. It was in February, and it wasn’t much fun.

  “When I got back there were a lot of dead flowers on my doorstep and a lot of unopened mail spattered with teardrops. That was when the persistence began, followed shortly by the obtaining of a temporary restraining order that was meant to keep him at least a hundred yards from me but, of course, didn’t work, resulting in two further visits to Rikers Island by Mr. Buono.”

  “How did you finally get rid of him?”

  “I had him visited in jail by a very large actor friend of mine, who specialized in portraying murderous hulks, and who explained to him what would happen to his various limbs and his brains if he did not immediately fall out of love with me.”

  “And that worked?”

  “From what I heard later, it was my friend’s finest work as an actor, a performance so convincing that it would surely have won him, in a different venue than Rikers, an Oscar nomination.”

  Their dinner arrived and was happily consumed. “Are you armed?” Stone asked at one point.

  “Not tonight.”

  “Then what’s in the giant handbag?”

  “A fresh thong and a change of clothes for work tomorrow. I thought I might share your bed tonight, if there’s room.”

  “I’ll make room,” Stone said.

  27

  Stone was awakened, as the first rays of dawn came through the slatted blinds, by a cool hand on his warm crotch, to which he immediately responded.