Standup Guy

by Stuart Woods

  “If I were handling this,” Fratelli said, “I’d just kill him.”

  “I have every sympathy with that plan,” Stone replied, “but I don’t know where to find the man. The cops raided a chop shop that he owns, and they’re looking for him everywhere as we speak, but so far, no joy.”

  “Let me see what I can do,” Fratelli said. “I’ll get back to you.”

  “I’m in London, boarding a plane for New York right now. I should be within cell phone range by four o’clock, Eastern time.”

  “Right.” Fratelli hung up, and Stone got on the airplane with a sense of deep foreboding.

  35

  John Fratelli sat on the edge of his bed, feeling sick. Everything had been going so well; now this. His first impulse was to fly to New York, find Bats Buono, and beat him to death. Instead, he ordered breakfast from room service, then showered, shaved, and dressed for golf. Breakfast arrived as he cleared the bathroom.

  He ate slowly, thinking hard. Who could he call about this? Who did he know anymore? Everybody was dead, almost. Almost. He knew exactly the right person to call, but not if he was alive. He called information and asked for Gino Buono, Eddie’s brother, Onofrio’s father. There was a number in Queens, and he called it.

  “Hello?” He sounded old and sleepy.

  “Gino?”

  “Yeah, who’s this?”

  “This is . . .” He stopped himself, about to say Jack Coulter. “It’s Johnny Fratelli.”

  There was a brief silence as Gino computed the name. “Jesus, Johnny. I heard you were out.”

  “For a while now.”

  “How was Eddie when he went?”

  “Not too bad. You and I should do so well.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. I went to the funeral, of course.”

  “Of course. I was sorry not to be there, but I was, ah, indisposed at the time.”

  Gino chuckled.

  “How’s Onofrio doing?”

  “He was doing great until a couple days ago. The cops raided his chop shop out in Red Hook.”

  “I didn’t know he had a chop shop. Last I knew he was doing protection.”

  “Times change. He was doing Porsches and Mercedeses only—a great business.”

  “I heard he was looking for me, but I don’t have a number.”

  Gino was suddenly wary. “Looking for you? Why?”

  “He thinks I have Eddie’s money from the heist.”

  “Do you?”

  “About three hundred grand, from a safe-deposit box in a bank. That’s all.”

  “Where’s the rest?”

  “Eddie didn’t tell me about that. I figured he must have gotten a message to you or some other family.”

  “I didn’t hear a fucking word from him.”

  “Well, he wouldn’t haven’t written a letter, given his circumstances. When did you last see him?”

  “Easter weekend, a year ago. It was only the third time I saw him while he was up there. We weren’t that close, you know. Eddie was always too elegant for the likes of me.”

  “Onofrio came to see him now and then, he might have told him something.”

  “Then why would the boy want to talk to you?”

  “You tell me. You got a number, Gino?”

  “He’s out of state. Tell you what: give me your number and I’ll give it to him when I speak to him.”

  “When is that gonna be?”

  “Soon. He’ll call.”

  “Okay.” He gave Gino the number. “That’s what you call a throwaway cell number. It’s good for today only, not after that.”

  “I’ll pass it along.”

  “Thanks, Gino. How you holding up?”

  “I’m old, that’s how.”

  “Tell me about it. Bye-bye.”

  Fratelli hung up and looked at his watch. Time to meet Hillary at the golf club. It would be their first round together.

  • • •

  Hillary hit first, about 220 yards, straight down the fairway. Fratelli was next; longer, but it sliced into the long rough.

  “Nice distance,” Hillary said.

  Fratelli laughed. “You’re very kind. My instructor and I are working on the slice, but I’m not there yet.”

  Hillary, with 180 yards to the pin, hit a three wood to about six feet.

  “I’d just like to point out that we’re not playing for money,” Fratelli said. She laughed. He found his ball, and it was resting on a bare patch in the long rough, 160 yards out. He took a club from his bag and hit the ball straight and true to just inside Hillary’s. Then he rejoined her, the club still in his hand.

  “What’s that?” she asked, nodding at the club.

  “An eleven wood,” Fratelli replied. “It’s my secret weapon.”

  “How does your instructor say you’re doing?” she asked, as they got into the cart.

  “He’s says I’m the best middle-aged beginner he’s ever coached.”

  “You don’t have a handicap, yet?”

  “He says I’m playing to about an eighteen.”

  “Not bad for a short-timer,” she said. Then she sank her putt and he took two putts to hole his.

  • • •

  They took a break at the ninth hole, and Fratelli was having a diet soda when his phone vibrated. “Excuse me,” he said, then stepped away from the table. “Hello?”

  “Hey, Johnny, it’s Onofrio.”

  “Hiya, kiddo, what’s happening?”

  “The old man said you wanted to talk.”

  “I got a message you wanted to talk.”

  “Yeah, I guess so. I went to see your shyster lawyer.”

  “Yeah? Your uncle Eddie recommended him. He gave me some basic advice, I paid his bill, and that was that.”

  “Nah, it was more than that, Johnny. He’s in on it, isn’t he?”

  “Eddie’s money? That what you’re all atremble about?”

  “That’s it.”

  “Well, Eddie left me a little something in a bank deposit box. I had just got it out when you or yours took a shot at me, remember?”

  “Yeah, I’m sorry about that, Johnny, you know how it goes.”

  “Your old man seems to think I got the whole bundle.”

  “Sure, you did. Who else?”

  “I thought he would have left the big part to his family, but you know what? Nobody came to see him when he was in the infirmary for his last four months.”

  “Last time I tried, they threw me out. He took me off his visitors list.”

  “Gee, I wonder why he did that.”

  “I guess he liked you better.”

  “He liked me three hundred grand’s worth—that’s what was in the box.”

  “So, according to you, there’s seven mil plus out there somewhere.”

  “Must be.”

  “Where are you, Johnny?”

  “I’m on my way to the Coast—Greyhound bus. You oughta try it sometime, kid—see America.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “America?”

  “Nah, you headed for the Coast.”

  “I hear it’s nice out there, and I’ve got my little stake.”

  “Yeah, let’s talk about that. Your shyster tell you I’ve got his girlfriend?”

  “He mentioned it.”

  Fratelli heard a sound like a splash and what seemed like a woman laughing.

  “Did the shyster tell you what’s gonna happen to her if you don’t cough up?”

  “What do I care? She’s nothing to me. I wouldn’t give you a plugged nickel for her ass. That’s why I called, kid, to tell you that. And don’t try me on this number again, it won’t work.” He hung up. “I hope that does it,” he said aloud to himself, then he rejoined Hillary for the second nine holes.


  • • •

  When he got back to the Breakers, he tossed the cell phone and got another out of his underwear drawer.

  36

  Stone was back at his house before John Fratelli called.

  “Welcome home.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I talked to Onofrio Buono.”

  “Have you got a number for him?”

  “No, I spoke to his father, Gino, who lives in Queens. He called his boy and gave him my number. By the way, I tossed that phone. Write this one down.” He recited the new number.

  Stone wrote it down. “What was the result of that call?”

  “I told him I got only three hundred grand from the safe-deposit box, and that I didn’t know where the rest was.”

  “Was that true?”

  Fratelli ignored the question. “He told me that if I don’t give him all the money, he’ll kill the girl. I told him pretty much what you told him.”

  “To go fuck himself?”

  “Pretty much. Listen, I heard something in the background of our call—at least I think I did.”

  “What was that?”

  “I thought I heard a splash and a woman laugh.”

  “Does that mean anything to you?”

  “Maybe. Eddie used to talk about a cabin he had on a lake, in Connecticut. He owned it until he died, and some of his family used it now and then.”

  “Where in Connecticut?”

  “A few miles north of Danbury, near a wide place in the road called New Fairfield. The lake was privately owned and it was really more of a pond—eight or ten cabins on it. I don’t remember the name, or even if it had a name.”

  “I’ll look into it,” Stone said.

  “I wonder about something.”

  “What?”

  “The woman laughing. Why would a woman who was being held hostage laugh?”

  Stone thought about that. “Maybe he has a female accomplice.”

  “Could be. I was you, I’d like to know more about that before I gave Bats any money.”

  “So would I.”

  “Do you have a lot of money, Mr. Barrington?”

  “Yes.”

  “Does the girl know you have a lot of money?”

  Pause. “Probably.”

  “Let me give you the best advice I can.”

  “Please do.”

  “Call the guy’s bluff.”

  “You think he’s bluffing?”

  “It’s fifty-fifty. I saw in a movie once, where the FBI told a father whose kid had been kidnapped: you can pay the money and get your kid back, or you can pay the money and not get your kid back. Or, you can not pay the money and not get your kid back, or you can not pay the money and get your kid back.”

  “That’s probably good advice. You think Buono is bluffing?” Stone asked again.

  “It would be just like him,” Fratelli replied. “On the other hand . . .”

  “Thanks for the advice, I think.”

  Fratelli laughed. “Let me know how it comes out.” He hung up.

  Stone called Dino and told him about the conversation.

  “I’m looking in my road atlas at a map of Connecticut,” Dino said. “I see a very small lake near New Fairfield.”

  “Maybe it’s worth a trip up there,” Stone said.

  “I know the head of the Connecticut State Police. I’ll give him a call. Have you heard any more from Bats Buono?”

  “No, but I just got back to the house.”

  “If he calls, stall him.”

  “Stall him how?”

  “Tell him you just got back in town, and it’s going to take a couple of days to get ahold of the money. I know you’ve already made the arrangements, but don’t tell him that.”

  “You know me too well.”

  “It’s what I would do, if I had a few million available. On the other hand, like Fratelli says, you can just call his bluff.”

  “I thought about it. I don’t think I can do that.”

  “What about the laughing woman?”

  “It could very well be another woman, not Hank.”

  “Could be. Look, Hank knows you’re loaded, she might be looking to cash in.”

  “I don’t read her that way.”

  “I don’t either, but you never know.”

  “Sometimes you do.”

  “Think back to when you met her at P.J. Clarke’s.”

  “Okay.”

  “Who got there first? You or Hank?”

  Stone thought about it. “I did.”

  “Maybe Bats Buono is smarter than you think he is.”

  “I doubt it.”

  “How did Hank come to tell you about Buono?”

  “It came up in a conversation we had at dinner. She said she had met him at Clarke’s, and he became obsessed, and she had to take out a protection order to get rid of him.”

  “And when did Buono come to see you?”

  “The next day.”

  “I’ve got to make a couple of calls. I’ll get back to you when I know more. If Buono calls, stall him like we talked about.”

  “Okay.” Stone hung up. Joan was standing in the doorway. “Your broker is on the phone. He wants to know how you want the cash.”

  “Tell him I’ll call him back.”

  • • •

  Stone went through his mail, trying to keep his mind off Hank and Bats Buono. Less than an hour later, Dino called.

  “I talked to Colonel Dan Sparks, head of the Connecticut State Police.”

  “And?”

  “And he’s going to send a SWAT team to New Fairfield. There’s a little grocery store—you and I can meet him there, it’s a couple of hours from your house.”

  “Dino, we don’t know which cabin to hit. Fratelli said there are eight or ten.”

  “Dan knows the guy who owns the property that the lake is on. He’s the one who built the cabins and sold them. By the time we get there, he should know which cabin.”

  “You going to pick me up?”

  “In half an hour. I’ll use the siren, if I have to.”

  As Stone was hanging up, his cell phone vibrated. He let it ring three times before answering.

  “Yes?”

  “Have you got the money?” Buono asked.

  “There’s a problem about that. You talked to Fratelli, so you know he hasn’t got it.”

  “I don’t care if he’s got it,” Buono said. “Your money will do just fine.”

  “Let me speak to Hank.”

  “She’s in the ladies’.”

  “Have her call me when she gets out.” Stone hung up.

  Five minutes later, she called. “Stone? Are you going to help me?”

  “Yes,” he said. “Is there another woman there?”

  But Buono had taken the phone from her. “Are we clear now?”

  “It’s going to take a couple of days to put together that kind of money. Unless you’ll take a check.”

  Buono laughed heartily. “I’ll give you until noon the day after tomorrow. I’ll call you with instructions, and you’d better follow them to the letter.”

  “I won’t give you a dime, unless Hank is at the meet, and healthy. And in my car. If she’s so much as bruised, I’ll take it out on you.”

  “I’ll call you at noon, day after tomorrow.”

  “Don’t call, unless Hank will be there.”

  But Buono had hung up.

  37

  Dino was out front in his unmarked police SUV on time. Stone got into the car.

  “Are you armed?” Dino asked.

  “Damn straight, I’m armed,” Stone replied. The driver got moving.

  Dino was silent until they got on the West Side Highway and headed north. “I did a
search of the court records for the past five years,” he said.

  “The court records? Why?”

  “I was looking for a protection order filed by Henrietta Cromwell against Onofrio Buono.”

  “And?”

  “There wasn’t one.”

  “Shit.”

  “My reaction exactly. Then there’s the matter of another woman up there, or rather, the lack of one. I don’t think you ought to give this guy any money, Stone.”

  “That’s hard,” Stone said.

  “I know, but if she’s in cahoots with him, there’s a chance you could make things worse for her.”

  “Worse? How?”

  “Suppose Buono wants all the money?”

  Stone sighed. His cell phone went off.

  “Yes?”

  “It’s Joan. I’ve got your broker on the line, and he insists on talking to you.”

  “All right, put him on.”

  “Stone?”

  “Yes, Jim?”

  “Do you want this cash?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “You’ve got enough stocks that are losing or static that we can sell without paying a capital gains tax.”

  “Sell them.”

  “How do you want the money?”

  “In tens and twenties—nothing bigger.”

  “That’s going to be very bulky.”

  “I know. Send your secretary out to get some leaf bags.”

  “What are leaf bags?”

  “Great big, heavy-duty garbage bags. Put the cash in one of those, and I want the bills loose, not banded. Mix ’em up.”

  “All right. When do you want to pick up the bag?”

  “Send it over to my office tomorrow morning. Joan will sign for it.”

  “I’ll have to bill you for the armored car.”

  “Come on, Jim, take a cab.”

  “I’m not getting into a cab with five million dollars in a leaf bag.”

  “Tell you what: I’ll get someone from Strategic Services to pick up the money at your office.”

  “No, at the bank downstairs. Ask for the manager, Mr. Crockwell.”

  “Tell him to give it to someone with Strategic Services ID. Call Mike Freeman over there and tell him when it’s ready.”