Strictly My Husband: It's funny, it's romantic and it's got dancing - what's not to love!

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘Fuck off,’ said Jerry at Tom. ‘That swanning about, as you call it, secured us a contract for two spanking new developments today. If I hadn’t swanned around the muddy fields of Hertfordshire on Saturday, shooting with the great and good of the leisure industry, then we wouldn’t have got it. I work very hard at my swanning around, I’ll have you know, and it is very lucrative swanning around at that. Anyway, you’re one to talk, you swan around all day telling young girls to writhe around semi-naked and dance in front of you.’

  Will coughed and put his empty pint glass down on the bar. ‘I think I’ll go and put my stuff away,’ he said. He turned and strode off up the basement stairs, his tools jangling around his waist on his belt.

  ‘It’s not like that, and you know it,’ said Tom, turning on Jerry. ‘Is it, Carly?’ he asked.

  ‘No,’ said Carly firmly. ‘No, it isn’t. Tom is a complete professional.’

  ‘Oh, stop getting your knickers in a twist,’ said Jerry, leaning forward to top up everyone’s glasses with Prosecco. ‘I was only joking. I know you’re not like that but I do remember you telling me about your old boss getting the entire Halloween cast to run around the lake in their underwear because he said they had to get used to performing in the cold. Tremendous.’

  ‘Really?’ cried Carly. ‘No way!’

  ‘I have to say there is nothing like running around in your undies in five degrees to bond a company,’ said Tom. ‘That was the year I was Count Dracustein. The most evil man in the whole of Wonderland. I based my character on the old Entertainments Manager actually as he was a proper devil to work for.’

  ‘Count Dracustein?’ said Carly. ‘I would have liked to have seen that.’

  ‘It was a brilliant show that year, even though I do say so myself,’ he replied. ‘But it was back in the days when we used to do them on a special stage outside after dark. It was so much better than in a theatre. The atmosphere was incredible.’

  ‘Why don’t they do them outside any more?’ asked Carly.

  Tom shrugged. ‘Budgets. Some finance twerp looked at the cost of building the stage and putting in all the special lighting and decided it was a waste of money and we could achieve the same thing in the Celebration Theatre. But he was so wrong. No one can be bothered to walk all the way out to Back of Beyond World. And now of course the boss says not enough people watch it so he’s not giving us any more money to spend.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Carly, looking crestfallen.

  ‘I keep telling him that if we moved it back to the main plaza at the exit to the park then the entire day’s attendance will see it,’ continued Tom. ‘But no, it’s not worth the money apparently. Instead we’ll end up with some shitty show in a falling-down theatre that hardly anyone bothers to go and see.’

  ‘They’re not shitty,’ said Laura, suddenly feeling very sorry for her husband. ‘Last year’s Pumpkin Plotters was hilarious.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Tom with a sigh. ‘Sorry, Carly,’ he said. ‘Not what you need to hear.’

  ‘But . . . but you made it sound so amazing when you described the show to us all,’ she said.

  ‘It could be. But the lighting in the theatre is past it and the stage is really too small for those big dance numbers so we will have to tone them down and limit the scale of the costumes.’

  ‘It can’t cost that much to build a stage, can it?’ asked Jerry.

  ‘Probably not, but the number-crunchers don’t see it as money well spent so it ain’t going to happen.’

  ‘But everyone is so excited about the show,’ said Carly. ‘We can make it work, can’t we?’ She looked pleadingly into Tom’s eyes. ‘If we all pull together and work really hard? It’s such a brilliant idea; we can’t let it be rubbish. We just need to be positive. Make it happen. Come on, Tom, you can make it happen, can’t you?’

  ‘No I can’t,’ snapped Tom. ‘I’ve tried before, believe me, and failed. You don’t understand. It’s too hard without the necessary resources.’

  Carly shrank back on to her stool looking visibly stung. Laura could feel the tension flow out of her body and the guilt flood in. Oh, the relief that Tom had got frustrated with Carly’s youthful naivety and that they wouldn’t be having the tremendous time building a fabulous show together. And the guilt that she felt good about that.

  ‘We’ll build it,’ said Jerry.

  ‘What?’ said Tom.

  ‘What?’ said Laura.

  ‘What?’ said Carly.

  ‘We can build it,’ he told Tom. ‘We can build a stage, piece of piss. My boys could knock one of those up in a couple of days.’

  ‘You’re not listening,’ said Tom. ‘There’s no budget for it.’

  ‘Aah, don’t worry about that,’ said Jerry, reaching round for another bottle of Prosecco. ‘We’ll sponsor it or something. Tell you what, we’ll build it if Phillip will let us put a billboard at the gates with our name on saying we’re building the lodges’ development. All sorts of people come through those gates from all over. Wouldn’t do us any harm to get our name out there.’

  ‘Are you serious?’ asked Tom.

  ‘Why not? Probably find we can write it off as a marketing cost or something. I’m sure Hannah can work out how to put it on the books.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ Carly cried, jumping off her stool. ‘That’s just brilliant, isn’t it, Tom? You can do your show how you want to.’

  Tom was staring at Jerry, speechless.

  ‘But what do we do about lighting?’ he asked when he’d finally found a use for his mouth. ‘It’s very generous Jerry, but a stage without lighting is useless. And Phillip will never stump up for lighting now. I’m so sorry, Carly.’

  Laura grabbed the bottle off Jerry and poured herself another glass of Prosecco. What’s he apologising to her for? It’s his show.

  ‘Can’t you get someone to move the lights out from the theatre?’ continued Carly, looking desperately between Tom and Jerry.

  ‘Hang on a minute,’ said Jerry, walking over to the bottom of the stairs. ‘Will,’ he shouted. There was no answer. ‘Will,’ he shouted even louder. Next minute there was a thumping down the stairs and Will, quickly followed by Hannah, reappeared.

  ‘You’re not at work now, you know,’ said Hannah crossly. ‘You can’t go ordering people around like you do there.’

  ‘I just wanted to ask Will a question, that’s all,’ said Jerry. ‘Are the sparkies on schedule at the log cabins’ build at Wonderland?’

  ‘Is this a trick question?’ asked Will, casting a worried look over at his brother.

  ‘Why are you asking him that?’ demanded Hannah.

  ‘Just answer the question, please,’ Jerry asked politely.

  ‘We’re ahead actually,’ he replied. ‘We’re having to slow down because we’re catching up with the builders. We will have run out of lodges to put electrics in any minute. I was going send a couple to another site on Monday before they’re sitting doing nothing.’

  ‘And there is your answer,’ said Jerry with an elaborate bow directed at Tom and Carly. ‘Will here will be able to solve all your electrical woes.’

  ‘Oh my God, you are brilliant,’ cried Carly, throwing herself at Will. ‘This is going to be brilliant, isn’t it, Tom? Just brilliant. I can’t believe it. It’s going to be the best Halloween show ever.’

  ‘What is she talking about?’ asked Hannah, looking confused and cross.

  ‘Jerry’s going to build us a mega Halloween stage so we can do Tom’s dream show,’ she said breathlessly, having released Will from her grasp. ‘And we thought that the lights would be a problem but not any more now Will is in on it. Oh I could kiss you.’ She stepped forward and kissed him on the cheek before he could do anything about it. Looking slightly dazed he reached up to wipe the lipstick off.

  ‘There won’t be enough lights,’ interrupted Tom, shaking his head. ‘Some of them will do but we’d need to buy special ones for outdoor.’

  ‘What do you mean you’re going to
build a stage?’ asked Hannah, still not understanding what was going on.

  ‘We could ask Ferns if they have any lights,’ said Will, looking furtively between Jerry and Hannah. ‘They supply conference centres now who often use stage-grade lighting. We could ask if they’d lend us some. They screwed up a delivery the other week, so they owe us a favour at the moment.’

  ‘Perfect,’ said Jerry, grinning at Will. ‘I’ll ring old man Fern and tell him we’ll put his name in lights if he’ll give us a hand and we won’t start looking for a new supplier just yet. And you’ll be able to fit stage lighting, do you think?’ he asked Will.

  Will shrugged. ‘Can’t be hard,’ he replied. ‘I’m sure me and the other lads can work it out between us.’

  ‘What a man,’ said Jerry, winking at Carly. ‘He’s got it up here’ – he pointed at Will’s head – ‘and he’s got it here,’ he continued, indicating his bicep, ‘ . . . and he really has it here.’ Jerry finished by banging his fist against Will’s chest.

  ‘Give over, Jerry,’ said Will, pushing him away gently. ‘Just doing my job.’

  ‘That is where you are wrong!’ Jerry threw his arms wide in amazement. ‘What we are going to do with this stage is make dreams come alive,’ he declared. ‘Isn’t that right, Carly? Isn’t that right, Tom?’

  ‘Oh God yes, Jerry, that’s exactly right,’ Carly replied, flinging herself at Jerry and Tom and jumping up and down.

  ‘Can someone please tell me what is going on?’ interrupted Hannah, now looking totally bewildered. ‘Laura?’

  Laura looked back at Hannah panic-stricken. We’re doomed, she wanted to shout. Tom and Carly are going to create the most spectacular show together and they are going to have so much fun and achieve things together that I could never achieve with him and so when the moment comes, when the joy of success engulfs them and they feel happier than they have felt in ages, that’s when they will kiss, that very moment. They won’t be able to help themselves, it will feel like the most natural thing in the world and then . . . and then my life will be over.

  ‘Tell me, Laura,’ repeated Hannah, glancing between Laura’s distress and everyone else’s joy. ‘What has Jerry done?’

  Laura opened and closed her mouth, not knowing how to communicate her inner turmoil in front of this hyped-up crowd.

  The rest were now talking excitedly about where and when and how, leaving just Hannah and Laura staring at each other. Laura stepped around the back of Carly and went to whisper in Hannah’s ear.

  ‘Strictly Curse,’ she breathed.

  ‘What?’ Hannah cried, turning to face her. ‘I can’t hear you.’

  ‘Strictly Curse,’ she repeated just a little louder in her ear. ‘It’s happening.’

  ‘What’s happening? I only went upstairs for ten minutes. Why are you in such a state?’ Hannah hissed.

  Laura couldn’t answer; she felt close to tears. She shook her head, biting her lip.

  ‘Why don’t you come upstairs and help me check on the food again?’ Hannah asked, taking her hand.

  Laura nodded mutely back and gulped.

  ‘We’re going upstairs,’ Hannah said over her shoulder to no one in particular.

  ‘Sit down,’ said Hannah gently once they’d arrived back in the calm sleekness of the kitchen. She opened a cupboard door and grabbed two crystal tumblers off the shelf and put them down in front of Laura. Next a bottle of brandy appeared and she sloshed two generous measures in them and shoved one into Laura’s hand.

  ‘Thank you,’ muttered Laura, before downing it in one.

  ‘So do you think you can tell me what just happened down there?’ Hannah asked again. ‘How come Carly is draped over every man we know?’

  Laura swallowed. ‘Well, it all started with Tom saying Wonderland won’t let him do the Halloween show he wants to and this was news to Carly so she got quite upset because she was all excited to do it and Tom basically told her she was going to be in a crap show.’

  Hannah nodded. ‘I see. Carry on.’

  ‘So Jerry offered to be fairy godmother and sort it all out for them.’

  ‘I knew it,’ said Hannah. ‘He can’t be trusted to be left alone for five minutes. He promises things left, right and centre before really knowing if it’s possible.’

  ‘Tom reckons the only way to do the show properly is to build an outdoor stage but there’s no money to pay for it so Jerry said he’d get his lads to do it for free if he could get some advertising on park.’

  ‘Mmmm,’ said Hannah, rocking her head from side to side as if weighing up Jerry’s offer. ‘That’s quite a good idea actually.’

  ‘But then Tom said that they needed lights and stuff and Will said the electricians are ahead of themselves fitting out the lodges so he could do the lights and that’s when they all started hugging and dancing about and acting as if they’d won the bid to host the World Cup or something.’

  ‘Including Will?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Laura, ‘which I guess is good because Tom thinks Carly and Will should get it together so if Will is helping with the show then that might help and then that will mean Tom and Carly won’t have their moment, Will and Carly will, which actually is fine, so why am I worrying?’ She knew she was babbling but she couldn’t stop herself.

  ‘What moment? What are you talking about?’ demanded Hannah.

  ‘The moment, you know, the Strictly moment.’

  ‘What on earth is the Strictly moment?’

  ‘Well, we were on about the Strictly Curse at work today – you know, when the celebrities end up getting off with their professional partners and I was trying to work out why it’s so common.’

  ‘Isn’t it obvious?’

  ‘Well, yes, they are all very attractive, of course, and feel each other’s bodies all day long, but I think there’s more to it than that.’

  ‘You’ve spent time thinking about this?’

  ‘Yes,’ gasped Laura, looking at Hannah as though she were the ridiculous one. ‘Of course. I’ve concluded it’s about shared success. Such an aphrodisiac, you see. You achieve something great with a member of the opposite sex and you celebrate . . .’

  ‘By having sex?’

  ‘Well, yes. That’s it. By having sex. So don’t you see how dangerous this situation is? All the inputs are there. Tom is in a high-risk job . . .’

  ‘Not this again,’ sighed Hannah. ‘The army is a high-risk job, bomb disposal is a high-risk job—’

  ‘For divorce,’ interrupted Laura. ‘I’ve told you this before. Don’t you listen?’

  ‘Not when you come out with your statistics mumbo jumbo.’

  ‘He’s in a high-risk job for divorce and now, because of your husband, he is going to have a successful show on his hands, and be so happy, whilst spending a lot of time in close proximity to Carly.’

  ‘So he’ll end up having sex with her?’

  ‘Correct,’ said Laura, trying to hold back the tears. ‘Totally and utterly inevitable . . . unless,’ she said, pausing for a moment, ‘unless it becomes Will’s and Carly’s success so they can have the success aphrodisiac moment.’

  ‘Will doesn’t even fancy Carly,’ said Hannah, pouring herself another drink. ‘We’ve been through this before.’

  ‘All I can say is he looked like he was enjoying having her draped all over him downstairs.’

  ‘He was probably just being polite.’

  ‘We have to get him to like her,’ said Laura.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘It’s my only hope. Will has to get in the way of the impending moment that will inevitably happen between my husband and Carly.’

  ‘You can’t force Will to like her,’ said Hannah.

  ‘Why not?’ replied Laura. ‘Why’s he being so fussy anyway? He can’t afford to be fussy at his age or when he’s been single for that long. Let’s get him pissed. That’s it,’ she cried. ‘Let’s get him drunk tonight, then leave him downstairs with Carly, and stick some Barry White on. That shoul
d do it.’

  ‘That’s like entrapment or something,’ said Hannah. ‘And what about this other woman he mentioned?’

  Laura shrugged. ‘You said he knew it wasn’t going to happen. She could be married for all we know.’

  ‘Married? Do you think so?’ gasped Hannah.

  ‘It’s possible,’ said Laura. ‘It would explain why he thinks it’s a no go. Will certainly isn’t a home-wrecker, so he wouldn’t do anything about it.’

  ‘I guess not,’ said Hannah.

  ‘In which case even more reason to distract him by putting him between my at-risk husband and Carly. Will could be my only chance of coming out of all this still married.’

  Chapter Fourteen

  Tom

  Tom stared at Phillip, trying to read his response to their over-excited babble. He sat behind the large oak desk with a grim frown on his face, his elbows on the arms of his chair and fingertips pressed tightly together as he surveyed the four eager faces in front of him.

  I should have come on my own, thought Tom, looking across at Jerry, Amy and Carly. We’ve overwhelmed him with our excitement of what we want to do and now he’s going to say no and put an end to it.

  Carly turned her head and winked at him. Shouldn’t have bought Carly in for sure, he thought. Phillip certainly didn’t know how to deal with a cropped vest top and a bare midriff at nine in the morning. And she seemed to have somehow upset Amy as well, who looked daggers at her whenever she opened her mouth. He’d thought it would be a good idea to bring one of the performers in so Phillip could see how passionate the cast were about putting on a good show and how a stage in the main plaza could make all the difference. But Phillip had just blinked rapidly at Carly’s excitable spiel whilst trying very hard not to stare at her bare belly.

  Jerry looked over at him and shrugged, looking confused. Welcome to my world, thought Tom. In Jerry’s world, when you are your own boss, and someone offers you something for free, then you snap their hand off. But in the corporate-leisure industry things were very different. Who knew what conversations were going on between Phillip and his bosses at head office? What new-fangled thinking was evolving, what added complications were going to be thrown at them all in the name of progress? What should be a simple decision was always made complicated in the context of a large corporation.