Strictly My Husband: It's funny, it's romantic and it's got dancing - what's not to love!

by Tracy Bloom

  Tom swung round. He smiled in instant recognition. ‘Playing dead in the Haunted House was the most fun I ever had as Wonderbear.’

  He remembers, thought Laura. He remembers their first kiss in the Lurid Library whilst screaming teenagers whizzed past them with only a zombie in a coffin to shield them.

  ‘You were Wonderbear,’ said Amy in amazement.

  Tom nodded. ‘Oh yes. In fact Laura and I made Wonderbear who he is today. Without the massive success of Where’s Wonderbear, then I’m afraid Wonderbear would no doubt have been relegated to the rejected theme-park mascot graveyard in the sky.’

  ‘We invented Where’s Wonderbear,’ said Laura when Amy looked confused. ‘Kids loved it.’

  ‘We got into places that Wonderbear never should have been,’ continued Tom, winking at Laura.

  Laura felt herself blush. Where’s Wonderbear proved to be an overnight success with kids clamouring to visit the park in search of their new hero. Laura and Tom were given free rein with the game, putting them in many a tight, intimate spot together as they tried to trick their followers. Squashed together behind a zombie in the Haunted House, Tom had said he needed air. He took his bear head off and with lips inches apart it seemed rude not to kiss, then snog for what had seemed a wonderful eternity, until Tom had finally pulled away and said, ‘I hope Wonderbear's not watching?’ They’d both glanced at the floor to see the blank eyes of the bear gazing back up at them. Screaming in delight they’d run out of the building into the sunlight hoping that no one would see a headless bear chasing a petit brunette out of the Haunted House.

  ‘Do you remember the time behind the giant gnomes in the Secret Garden?’ asked Tom.

  Laura felt herself go bright red.

  ‘Disgusting,’ announced Amy before turning around. ‘Where the hell is Wonderbear?’ she shouted at the top of her voice. ‘If you don’t come out on this stage right now I will personally chop off your furry balls.’

  ‘We’re trying to rehearse the Twisted Tango – you know, like Carly and I showed you the other night?’ Tom told Laura.

  ‘I remember,’ said Laura through a forced smile, her nostalgia bubble deflating fast.

  As if on cue Carly dressed as Malice Alice tottered on stage.

  ‘Speak of the devil,’ said Amy, looking right at Laura and raising her eyebrows.

  She knows, thought Laura. Though what Amy knew she wasn’t sure.

  Carly crouched at the edge of the stage, making it impossible to avoid looking up her skirt.

  ‘Crotch,’ Amy said, nodding at the offending exposure.

  ‘Oh, sorry,’ replied Carly, not looking the slightest bit embarrassed. She jumped down to join the three of them on the floor. ‘Hello, Laura,’ she said.

  Laura nodded back.

  Carly turned to Tom. ‘Do you want the good news or the bad news?’

  ‘Bad news,’ said Tom. ‘Get it over with.’

  ‘Well, the bad news is Wonderbear man has a cold and hasn’t been seen all day, which apparently – I’m reliably informed, in theme-park Entertainment Department speak – means he’s gone to audition for the pantomime in town.’

  ‘Happens every year,’ said Tom, shaking his head. ‘The sniff of another job at the end of the season and they’re off. No bloody loyalty. So what’s the good news?’

  ‘Apparently he’s crap so he won’t get the part and will return to work tomorrow,’ she replied.

  ‘Unbelievable,’ cried Tom. ‘And we are expected to welcome him back.’

  ‘Um . . . perhaps Amy could stand in just for tonight?’ said Carly slowly.

  ‘No can do,’ said Amy instantly. ‘Tom needs me out here, don’t you, Tom?’

  For a moment Tom’s face had brightened but it fell at Amy’s response.

  ‘Of course,’ he was forced to agree. He put his head in his hands. ‘This is a shambles,’ he muttered. ‘I really needed to see Wonderbear in the number tonight so we could plot where he’s going to be. It’s like a little homage to Where’s Wonderbear, you see,’ he said to Laura. ‘He’s going to appear at odd times, in odd places – really get the kids going. You know, just how we used to do it.’

  Laura could feel it coming. She wasn’t quite sure which direction it would come from but she could feel it dropping on her like a big fat trap.

  ‘Laura, could stand in,’ cried Carly, as if she’d just discovered the cure for cancer.

  If Tom had asked or even Amy then it might have been palatable. Acceptable even. But Carly asking her to don the ugliest, heaviest costume you have ever seen, on the same stage where Carly would be prancing about as sexy Malice, was just too much.

  ‘Genius!’ cried Tom. ‘Oh, thank you, Laura, that would be so brilliant. And you know all the moves and everything. She used to stand in for me all the time, you know,’ he said to Amy. ‘She’d have made a great costume character if she had stuck at it.’

  Laura was shaking her head but nothing was coming out.

  ‘No, really,’ she eventually managed to sputter out. ‘I can’t remember how to do it.’

  ‘You put on the costume and you act like a moron,’ said Amy. ‘Like I say to all our costume characters: if I could get hold of them, I’d pay monkeys to do it.’

  ‘No, really,’ said Laura again. ‘I have to get back. I have to write up my notes from the meeting.’

  ‘Quarter of an hour, that’s all we need,’ pleaded Tom. ‘Just to do the Twisted Tango. Please, Laura. Can’t tell you how helpful it would be. Like old times, hey? Me, you and Wonderbear.’

  She swallowed and closed her eyes, knowing what she was about to say was the wrong answer.

  ‘OK,’ she spat out. ‘Fifteen minutes and that’s it.’

  ‘Wow,’ said Amy, shaking her head in wonder. ‘There is no way I’d put on that stink-bucket of a costume after Duncan has let off in it all season.’

  ‘Amy,’ shouted Tom. ‘Not helpful.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Amy muttered.

  ‘Carly, why don’t you take Laura backstage to put on the costume,’ said Tom, ‘and we’ll get cracking, shall we? Tell the rest of the cast they are on stage in five minutes for the Twisted Tango, and I want it faultless.’

  ‘Yes, sir,’ said Carly, giving him a salute and grabbing Laura’s arm. ‘I’ve got my perfume so we can spray the costume to make it smell better if you like,’ she whispered as they trotted off. This did not make Laura feel any better.

  Minutes later Laura was standing in the girl’s side of the makeshift dressing room wondering what terrible thing she must have done in her past to deserve the situation she was currently in.

  ‘You’ll have to take your skirt and top off,’ Carly had said casually, leaving Laura with the awkward problem of having to follow the instruction without a clear path to covering herself up again. She had never felt more mortified as she stripped off in a room full of skinny young singers and dancers until she was left standing in the least flattering garment of all time: tights. And Tom hadn’t even noticed the skirt and the boots so the whole thing had been a catastrophic waste of time and money. Carly was busy undoing buttons on the huge fur teddy body as the girls tried desperately hard not to stare at her. But Laura could feel all eyes on the roll of undesirable belly forced out by the supposedly magical tummy flattening control panel. She must have been an extraordinary sight to this image-obsessed crowd.

  ‘Here you go,’ Carly said eventually, bending down to allow Laura to step into Wonderbear.

  Laura tugged the costume up as fast as she could, for once relieved to look like a furry sumo wrestler.

  Carly fastened her up at the back and then carefully put the headpiece in place. ‘You OK in there?’ she asked with a sickly grin.

  Laura was nearly choking on Carly’s perfume and trying hard to resist the desire to punch her. She nodded and turned, knocking over a chair.

  ‘Whoa,’ said Carly, ‘easy does it. Why don’t you take my hand and I’ll lead you out.

  Laura felt Carly r
each for her furry paw and had no option but to let Carly lead her out on to the stage where she found herself standing in front of her husband dressed as an obese teddy bear next to their glamorous young lodger dressed as a sexy Malice in Wonderland.

  ‘Doesn’t she look great?’ Carly shouted over to Tom.

  Ten minutes later and Laura was having the time of her life. She’d forgotten how much fun you could have inside such a costume. For some reason, because no one can see your face you feel like a different person, and you can get away with absolute murder and not be blamed.

  ‘All you need to do is,’ Tom said to her as she pulled hideous faces at him from inside Wonderbear's head, ‘two or three times during the number, appear in an odd place, to add that element of surprise and cheekiness for the kids. I thought maybe you could hide behind one of the playing cards and when they do a tango turn you suddenly appear. You know, stuff like that. You know how Where’s Wonderbear works. I’m sure you can pull it off. Is that OK?’

  Laura nodded her head and gave a thumbs up whilst blowing a raspberry from behind Wonderbear's mouth.

  ‘Great. Now, everyone in position please. Two run-throughs of the Twisted Tango and we’ll call it a night,’ Tom shouted out to the crowd milling around on stage. ‘That is unless you are all a disaster, then we will be here until midnight.’

  Laura ambled off to hide in the wings and await an opportunity to appear during the routine.

  As she sat alone in the dressing room afterwards, having been ordered to leave the stage by her husband, she was utterly horrified by what she’d seen and heard whilst she’d been hidden inside the grubby theme-park mascot costume.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Tom

  Tom gasped in horror.

  Amy burst out laughing.

  The music carried on but everyone was frozen to the spot on stage, including Laura inside the Wonderbear costume.

  Tom stood rigid, incredulous at what had just happened. Laura stared blankly at him, unblinking.

  Carly gave a low moan from where she lay crumpled on the ground having fallen off the front of the stage following a dramatic collision with Wonderbear. Tom noticed she was clutching her ankle. This could be catastrophic.

  Tom stared back at Laura as she raised her hands to Wonderbear’s mouth in mock horror. This was no time for Laura to be fooling around.

  ‘That was bloody funny,’ declared Amy, still laughing. ‘We should keep that in the show.’

  ‘Carly, are you all right?’ asked Tom, suddenly realising that everyone was waiting for him to react. He leapt to her side and put his arm around her shoulder. ‘Where does it hurt?’

  ‘My ankle,’ moaned Carly, burying her head in his shoulder.

  Oh my God, thought Tom, starting to panic. This could spell disaster. He couldn’t afford to lose his best singer and dancer to an injury. What should he do? He looked towards Amy, who was still doubled up with laughter. How could she be the best and the worst assistant all rolled into one?

  ‘Right, Carly,’ he said. ‘I’m going to try and get you up to see if you can put weight on it and then let’s get you to Medical and get some ice on it to stem any swelling. OK?’

  Carly nodded. She crumpled up her face in pain. ‘It really hurts,’ she cried.

  Tom noticed there were no real tears. Perhaps it was the shock of the incident that was causing the anguish rather than any real damage. He bent down towards her, put her arm around his shoulders and then hoisted her up on to one leg until she could gingerly press down on her other foot.

  ‘Ow,’ she yowled, flinging her other arm around him. Tom scooped her up into his arms, feeling her shivering against him. He should get her inside in the warm as quickly as possible.

  ‘Amy,’ he barked. ‘You take over and run through the number again with everyone. Charlotte, you stand in for Carly. Do you think you can do that, Amy?’

  ‘Of course, boss,’ said Amy, looking indignant that he would think otherwise.

  He turned to go, but then remembered Wonderbear. ‘Laura,’ he called out. ‘You can go home.’

  He walked away, carrying Carly in his arms.

  Chapter Twenty

  Laura

  Laura was aware of the rest of the cast staring at her as she stood in the middle of the stage and realised she was in their way. In everybody’s way apparently.

  She walked back to the dressing room with her Wonderbear head drooping low, slumped into a chair and stared at her furry reflection in the mirror not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

  It had been a total accident. It had all been going so well. Tom was giving her lots of thumbs ups as she popped her head around the corner of the enormous rabbit hole at the back of the stage and then skulked behind the Mad Hatter as he strutted backwards and forwards. She was actually starting to enjoy herself being anonymous and yet right in the centre of things, able to slink away and disappear when she felt like it.

  But then Malice arrived on stage and all eyes turned to her as she sang in the most beautiful velvety voice in the build-up to the Twisted Tango. Laura was distracted for a moment by how good she was; but when she caught sight of the look on Tom’s face, it was like a knife to the heart. He was gazing at her in adoration. Laura kicked into action, doing star jumps across the back of the stage until Tom waved crossly. Clearly Where’s Wonderbear should not distract from the star of the show.

  As the rest of the cast started to fill the stage, the music built to a crescendo and suddenly Laura was caught in the middle of a whirling, swirling melee of bodies. She tried to escape but dancers continually obstructed her path until Laura decided it would be fun to join in and pretend to be part of the routine.

  She put herself in the correct hold just as Tom had taught her in their kitchen and headed towards the front of the stage, her aim to reveal herself to the crowd and then dive off to allow the routine to continue without her. When she arrived directly in front of Tom and Amy she did a very swift tango-style turn, which she thought even Tom would be proud of. What she was unaware of, however, was both the width of her fur-enhanced body and the fact that Malice and the White Rabbit were right behind her. Sadly her rapid, perfectly executed turn somehow managed to knock Malice clean off the front of the stage on to the cold hard block paving below.

  Laura was still in full costume when the Cheshire Cat and the Queen of Hearts came in behind her.

  ‘Are you all right?’ the Cheshire Cat asked her.

  Laura nodded her big furry head.

  ‘Is this your first job?’ she asked. ‘Newbies always get put in Wonderbear. It’s like some really bad initiation.’

  Laura nodded again, too tired to explain.

  ‘Well done you,’ said the Queen of Hearts, cackling behind her. ‘Carly has been cruising for a fall ever since she got here. You only did what most of us have been dying to do for ages, isn’t that right, ’Chelle?’

  ‘God, yeah. Acting as if she owns the place and she’s only been here five minutes. Just because she’s shagging Tom doesn’t give her the right to think she’s better than us.’

  Wonderbear’s head swivelled at hyper speed to look at the Cheshire Cat grinning back at her.

  ‘She is so shagging him,’ she confirmed. ‘Got to be. She waits for him every night. I’ve seen her getting in his car and I’ve seen her arrive with him in the morning.’

  Laura shook her head. They didn’t know, did they? He was just bringing her home.

  ‘And you can see the way they look at each other,’ joined in the Queen of Hearts. ‘I know lust when I see it. I have a lust radar. And there is serious lust between them, I’m telling you.’

  Laura swivelled her head again. The Queen of Hearts was a girl of generous proportions who had the biggest cleavage Laura had ever seen. With that chest Laura could believe that this girl did know lust when she saw it.

  ‘And he brings her a coffee to every rehearsal, just her, not the rest of us. Talk about favouritism.’

  ‘Talk about �
��Thanks for last night,” you mean,’ cackled the Cheshire Cat.

  ‘Casting couch definitely springs to mind,’ added the Queen of Hearts. ‘Honestly, sometimes this business is a disgrace.’

  ‘He’s married, isn’t he, Tom?’

  The Cheshire Cat shrugged. ‘He is quite old.’

  ‘Probably then.’

  ‘Shit, we’d better get back on stage before Crazy Amy comes after us. Don’t beat yourself up, eh,’ she said, squeezing Wonderbear's shoulder. ‘Cheered everyone up no end.’

  ‘Apart from Carly and Tom,’ said the Queen of Hearts.

  ‘Oh yeah,’ she laughed. ‘Apart from Carly and Tom.’

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Tom

  ‘How’s my superstar stage-director mate?’ asked Jerry when he picked up the call on his mobile from Tom.

  ‘Fucked,’ said Tom.

  ‘Lucky you. I’d give my eyeballs for that at the moment.’

  ‘Eye teeth I think you mean, Jerry.’

  ‘Eye teeth? What the fuck are eye teeth?’

  ‘No idea.’

  ‘So why would I be giving them away?’

  ‘I don’t know, Jerry.’

  ‘You don’t know what they are and you’re telling me to give them away?’

  ‘I didn’t tell you to give them away.’

  ‘But I wanted to give my eyeballs away – which I would, quite frankly, at the moment for a shag – and it was you who told me to give away something else but you don’t even know what it is.’

  ‘Did you not hear me, Jerry? I’m seriously screwed.’

  ‘Do you really have to rub it in?’

  ‘I’m not kidding. I’m in A & E at the moment.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ exclaimed Jerry. ‘Why didn’t you say? What happened? Are you all right?’

  ‘It’s not me, it’s Carly. Laura might have broken her ankle.’

  There was silence at the other end of the phone for a moment.

  ‘Carly and Laura are hurt?’