Strictly My Husband: It's funny, it's romantic and it's got dancing - what's not to love!

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘You’ll never guess.’

  ‘For goodness’ sake, just tell me,’ screeched Laura.

  ‘I had a moment and I danced with him, and now I understand all those things you’ve been going on and on about,’ Hannah announced.

  ‘What do you mean you had a moment? And you danced? But you never dance.’

  ‘I do now. But only with Will of course.’

  ‘Whhaaaaaaat!’ exclaimed Laura. She dropped the remote control. ‘What did you just say?’

  ‘I said I’ve danced with Will,’ she repeated.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ Laura said when she’d gathered herself. ‘What are you trying to tell me, Hannah?’

  ‘We danced. In the basement. Me and Will, to Ed Sheeran.’

  Laura racked her brains to try and understand what this could all mean. She still couldn’t fathom what on earth Hannah was trying to tell her. Then something struck her.

  ‘Did you dance to “Thinking Out Loud”?’

  ‘Yes,’ hissed Hannah.

  ‘Oh my God,’ Laura screamed.

  ‘It was a moment, Laura. A real moment. Just as he sang “People fall in love in mysterious ways”.’

  Laura was speechless.

  ‘Have you taken drugs?’ she asked eventually. ‘Did one of the dancers give you something?’

  ‘Of course not. I’m not stupid.’

  ‘You’re married and you danced with Will on the dance floor you told your husband was a waste of money. Stupid could be relevant at this point.’

  Hannah went quiet for a moment.

  ‘I think it’s the most sensible thing I’ve ever done in my life,’ she said solemnly.

  ‘But . . . but . . . Will?’ asked Laura. ‘Since when? How the hell did that happen?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Hannah. Now she sounded bewildered. ‘Well, I guess I had a kind of inkling when he told me about that other woman.’

  Laura gasped. ‘You’re the other woman?’ she exclaimed.

  ‘I guess I must be,’ replied Hannah, sounding almost as shocked as her friend was.

  ‘Did he tell you at the time that it was you? Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘No, no, of course not. He wouldn’t tell me who it was but I do remember he looked at me strangely,’ continued Hannah. ‘I just brushed it off then, thought perhaps he was hung-over from the night before or something. Wasn’t feeling well. But every so often since I’ve caught him looking at me in the same way. And I’ve found myself looking at him in that way too.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me any of this?’

  ‘Because I didn’t know for sure, did I? I couldn’t really believe it. I didn’t think you could tell anything from just a look.’

  ‘But you can,’ cried Laura. ‘Haven’t I been telling you that?’

  ‘I know, I know, but I didn’t really believe it until today.’

  ‘So how did it happen?’

  ‘Well, he came round to fix some more lights up for Jerry. I was helping him and we got talking and all this stuff came out, Laura. I kept banging on about how most people spend their lives miserable because they never actually say what they mean and then Will put Radio Cornerstone on.’

  ‘I bet that killed the moment.’

  ‘It didn’t. Ed Sheeran was on and we just looked at each other and, well, we started dancing.’

  ‘It was a moment?’

  ‘It was a moment.’

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘I know. It was amazing, Laura, really. It felt so right. I’ve never felt like that before.’

  ‘Then what happened?’

  ‘Jerry came home.’

  ‘What?’ cried Laura. ‘Did he see you?’

  ‘I don’t think so. He was carrying an enormous box down to the basement ready for this party. I don’t think he could see past it.’

  ‘He can’t have done. I’m sure Jerry would have a lot to say about finding his wife having a moment with his electrician in the middle of his beloved dance floor.’

  ‘He’s not just an electrician, you know.’

  ‘Bloody hell, you really have got it bad if you’re defending his occupation.’

  ‘I love him, Laura,’ she said quietly.

  Laura blew out her cheeks and pulled the phone away from her ear to stare at it in amazement.

  ‘So what are you going to do?’ she asked finally.

  ‘Well, I’m going to start by telling Jerry tomorrow that it’s over. I’d tell him tonight if I could but I can’t ruin his party for him. I’m hoping then he’ll still go to Australia. Give him some time to adjust. Then when he gets back we can see what happens next.’

  ‘And what about Will? Are you going to tell Jerry about him?’

  ‘Let’s see what happens, shall we? The important thing is to be honest with Jerry about our marriage. He can’t be happy either, so I don’t think it’s going to be that difficult.’

  ‘Oh God,’ groaned Laura.

  ‘What, you don’t think I should tell him?’

  ‘It’s not that. But I think Tom is leaving me.’

  ‘Oh, come on Laura.’

  ‘But he’s going for an audition in the West End with Carly. It’s all coming true, Hannah. I saw the way he looked at Carly this evening, and I know he’s going to ditch me for her.’

  For the first time Hannah was quiet on the end of the phone.

  ‘Do you remember what I said to Will?’ she said eventually.

  ‘No,’ said Laura grumpily. ‘I didn’t think you did much talking, it was all about the moment.’

  ‘What I said to Will was that most people spend their entire lives being miserable because they don’t say what they really mean.’

  ‘And your point is?’

  ‘Just talk to Tom, please, before you do anything stupid. Tell him whatever is in your heart or you will regret it for the rest of your life.’

  ‘Are you sure you haven’t taken any drugs?’

  ‘One hundred per cent. You owe it to yourself and your marriage to get over here right now and sort this mess out.’

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Jerry

  The Queen of Hearts was doing his nails. Jerry thought he’d never been happier.

  He was sitting on a bar stool having allowed Tweedledum and Tweedledee to take over the serving of the drinks to the happy bunch of thespians, singers and dancers sprawled all over his basement, either cuddled up on the enormous sofas deep in showbiz talk or doing dramatic formations on the dance floor. He felt totally at home amongst all the whooping and hollering and kissing and crying. He loved being around these hyped-up exaggerated human beings. It suited him. They were breathing longed-for life into what had been a sterile, emotionless home.

  He took a sip of his margarita and smiled to himself.

  ‘Do you remember Margarita Pracatan?’ he asked Flora, the Queen of Hearts, who was carefully painting his middle fingernail in pink glitter.

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Margarita Pracatan. She used to sing songs and play the organ like a trouper on The Clive James Show.’

  ‘Who’s Clive James?’

  Jerry laughed. So young, he thought. ‘The man who made Margarita Pracatan famous.’ He smiled. ‘Ooh, Baby,’ he said in a thick, vaguely Spanish accent.

  ‘Was that her catchphrase?’

  ‘It was. She had zero talent and was kind of crazy but boy was she entertaining. She really knew how to have fun.’

  ‘She sounds cool.’

  ‘She was. She made the most of herself – put it like that.’

  ‘That’s all this business is really,’ said Flora, pausing to take a sip of Jerry’s cocktail. ‘It’s ninety per cent confidence. I’ve seen people with loads of talent give up because they just aren’t confident enough and I’ve seen utter numpties come alive on stage and bring the house down. You got the confidence you can be anything in life, I reckon.’

  ‘Do you mind me asking how old you are, Flora?’ Jerry asked.

  ‘Twenty. Oth
er hand?’

  Jerry offered her his right hand. ‘Will you promise me two things?’ he asked.

  ‘Mmm.’ Flora nodded, concentrating on his thumbnail.

  ‘Just go for it. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t.’

  ‘Mmm,’ she repeated, still staring at the thumbnail.

  ‘And have a laugh. Have fun. You’ve got to enjoy life.’

  Flora looked up, smiling. ‘Do you think we look like the kind of guys who don’t have a laugh?’ she asked. ‘We’re all Margarita Pracatans. Minimal talent, maximum confidence, up for a laugh. Sums most entertainers up really.’

  Jerry nodded his head. He could get that. ‘I think I’m a Margarita Pracatan actually,’ he said contentedly.

  ‘Of course you are. Why do you think you fit right in with all these misfits?’ Flora said with another smile. ‘I’ve never seen Margarita Pracatan but I just know you are the King of Margarita Pracatans.’

  ‘I am!’ agreed Jerry. ‘I bloody well am. Will you do my face?’

  ‘What do you mean, do your face?’

  ‘Make me up. Really over the top.’

  She shrugged. ‘If you want.’

  ‘Then can I borrow your Queen of Hearts dress?’

  ‘Er, are you OK?’

  ‘Absolutely. Never better. Top of the world. I think it’s time everyone met the King of Margarita Pracatans.’

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Tom

  Why wouldn’t she pick up the damned phone? thought Tom, putting his mobile away in frustration for the umpteenth time. He’d tried to ring her as soon as everyone had started to move on to Jerry’s house. He wanted to know where she’d gone. He wanted to tell her what Phillip had said about Head Office wanting him to look at the entertainment offering in the other attractions. He wanted to talk to her about the audition. He wanted to tell her he had never felt on such a high in his life given how much of a success the show had been and he had never felt on such a low because she didn’t seem to want to share it with him. In fact she didn’t seem to want anything to do with him at all given that she was ignoring his calls and messages. God, she could be the most frustrating person in the world.

  ‘Tom?’ said Carly, nudging his elbow. They were sitting on one of Jerry’s deep sumptuous sofas facing the dance floor.

  ‘Mmmm,’ he said distractedly.

  ‘Would you get me another margarita?’ she asked, holding out her glass.

  ‘Sure.’ Tom was glad to get up for fear he might fall asleep.

  ‘And Elspeth?’ she added, nudging her neighbour to hand over her glass.

  ‘No problem.’ He took both glasses and walked towards the bar. He heard them laugh behind him. It made him feel old.

  He sneaked up behind his brother, who was leaning against a wall, still dressed in his electrician’s overalls and finishing a pint. He turned when Tom put his hand on his shoulder.

  ‘Oh, hello,’ he said. ‘How’s superstardom?’

  ‘You’re only jealous,’ replied Tom, giving him a good-natured punch on the arm.

  ‘I’m not actually,’ said Will, grinning as he looked down into the bottom of his pint.

  ‘Can I get you another one of those?’ asked Tom.

  Will furrowed his brow and then looked up to survey the room. He appeared to be considering the request seriously.

  ‘Er, no, actually. Better not. This might be your scene but it isn’t really mine. I think I’m best out of the way for now – plus I’ve got an early start tomorrow.’

  ‘Party pooper,’ said Tom.

  ‘Yeah, well,’ said Will, handing his empty glass to his brother. ‘I can’t take too much excitement. You about tomorrow?’

  ‘Er, well, possibly not.’

  ‘You need a lie-down, do you, after your starring role?’

  ‘Something like that.’

  ‘Perhaps we could go for a beer tomorrow night,’ asked Will, ‘if you’re not too tired, of course?’

  ‘Sure,’ said Tom, feeling puzzled. It was unlike his brother to instigate a night out and especially during the week. ‘I’ll call you if I’m free.’

  Will nodded. ‘Great. Be good to talk.’

  ‘Yeah,’ replied Tom, now even more bewildered. Will never suggested talking as a way of spending quality social time.

  ‘See you then,’ Will said, walking away quickly just as Carly snaked her way up towards them.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Laura

  Oh no, thought Laura as she dashed up the steps to Hannah and Jerry’s enormous oak door. Illuminated by a spotlight, a couple stood snogging the living daylights out of each other. Their hands were inappropriately positioned, forcing Laura to sneak past them whilst covering her eyes to avoid being accused of voyeurism. She pushed at the door only to find that it wouldn’t open. She was forced to ring the doorbell, which – typical of Jerry – had the loudest chime available on the open market and alerted the amorous couple to her presence.

  The man looked over and nodded, leaving his hand positioned somewhere up the lady’s top.

  ‘Didn’t realise it was a pyjama party!’ He laughed, casting an eye up and down her attire.

  Laura looked down and realised to her utter dismay that she was still in pyjamas and Ugg boots, such was the fog she had been in when she left home. She pressed the bell again, praying someone would hear it above the throbbing music from the basement. What if nobody did? How would she stop herself punching the smirk off the young man standing next to her?

  ‘Didn’t realise it was an eighties party,’ she said as at last she heard the click of the lock.

  ‘It isn’t,’ he said, his smirk getting ever bigger.

  ‘Oh, I thought being felt up outside a party was an eighties thing,’ replied Laura, pushing the door open. ‘You know: really uncool and crass and likely to end in a sexually transmitted disease.’

  She smiled gratefully at the technicolour rabbit as she pushed past him into the hall but now she was here, her confidence failed her and she considered turning round and going straight back home. However, Hannah came dashing out of the kitchen and grabbed her by the hand, pulling her upstairs before she could change her mind.

  ‘Hmm, pyjamas and Uggs, a great look for a wrap party,’ said Hannah, thrusting a drink into her hand.

  ‘I completely forgot what I was wearing!’ wailed Laura. ‘I’ve got no idea what I’m doing – or what you’re doing come to that. I can’t believe you’re really going to leave Jerry. The world has turned upside down.’

  ‘It’s been coming for a long time,’ said Hannah calmly. ‘You know it has. We married too young and I’m sure Jerry thinks he missed out. I think he’d love to turn the clock back, act like an idiot, sleep around, especially now he’s got the money to do whatever he wants. Once he’s got over the shock he’ll be delighted he doesn’t have his buzz-kill getting in the way.’

  ‘Buzz-kill?’

  ‘It’s what he calls me, to his mates. I’ve heard him when he thinks I’m not listening. To be honest, Laura, he’d have left me years ago had he been smart enough to think of it as an option.’

  Laura didn’t know what to say.

  ‘Look at it from his point of view,’ said Hannah. ‘I’m giving him a free ticket to shag as many dancers as he flipping well likes.’

  ‘Is that how you’re going to tell him?’

  ‘It’s tempting. I think he might get that, whereas “I’m leaving you” may not compute for some time.’

  ‘So what am I going to do about Tom?’ Laura said quietly. ‘Never in a million years did I expect you to do something like this. It’s so confusing.’

  ‘Just tell him. For goodness’ sake, just talk to him and tell him what you are thinking.’

  ‘No.’ Laura shook her head. ‘He has to decide.’

  ‘But decide what? What do you mean?’

  ‘Whether to go to the audition and leave me behind forever.’

  ‘But he doesn’t know that’s what he’s deciding, d
oes he?’

  ‘Well, he should. It should be obvious that’s the choice he’s making.’

  ‘But he’s a man, Laura.’

  Laura looked up at Hannah. Hannah stepped forward and took her hand.

  ‘Shall we both go downstairs, together,’ she asked gently. ‘Try and sort this mess out?’

  Laura sighed. ‘OK. I guess I’ve got nothing to lose.’

  ‘Do you want to borrow something to wear?’ asked Hannah.

  Laura looked down at her pyjamas, which were held together with a safety pin. ‘No,’ she replied. ‘If he’s going to stay it has to be because of who I am, a slightly scruffy market analyst and not a glamorous young dancer.’

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Tom

  ‘So I’ve been meaning to tell you,’ said Carly excitedly, as they leant on the bar.

  ‘Oh yeah?’ said Tom, gratefully sipping a pint rather than the margaritas that he’d endured to fit in with everyone else.

  ‘I’ve got us somewhere to stay tomorrow night,’ she announced.

  ‘Tomorrow night? What do you mean, tomorrow night?’

  ‘Well, the call-backs for the audition are on Tuesday so we should stay down just in case. I don’t want to jinx it or anything but best to plan for success, hey?’ she said, raising her glass to his.

  ‘Yeah, course,’ he replied, pretending that he knew there might be call-backs. ‘You’re right. So where have you found then?’

  ‘Oh, it’s a girl I was in a show with a couple of years ago. She’s got a bedsit in Hammersmith. She’s rehearsing for pantomime in Carlisle at the moment so she said we could borrow it.’

  ‘Right.’ Tom took a long gulp of his drink. ‘So she won’t be there then?’

  ‘No.’ Carly shrugged, studying her glass hard. ‘No, she won’t be there.’

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Laura

  Laura felt sicker and sicker as she and Hannah descended the basement steps hand in hand. They could hear some absolutely dreadful karaoke singing winding its way up the stairs, interspersed with the haze from a smoke machine that must have been ‘borrowed’ from Wonderland. Laura wasn’t sure what she expected to find at the bottom of the stairs but it certainly wasn’t what greeted them once they reached the last step and turned the corner into the room.