by Kait Rose
As soon as they were out of the car, I put my truck in forward and rammed his brand new Corvette. While he was shouting every single awful thing he could think of and Callie phoning the police, I saw nothing but red still. It was like I wasn’t in control of my body because the next thing I knew I was outside of my truck beating the shit out of Peter and then being contained by police officers.
The next day my dad was the one who picked me up at the Belmont Psychiatric Hospital where the officers took me after I wouldn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say to the police while they were arresting me because I never felt the feeling of not being in control of my actions. The whole thing is just a blur to me.
After a silent drive, I couldn’t take it anymore. “Aren’t you going to ask me what happened or yell at me for fucking up? Do you even care?” I shouted at my dad. I remember a time when we were best friends, but as the years went by the more my dad fell down the rabbit hole.
“I’m sorry.” My dad squeezed the wheel to the point his knuckles were turning white.
“Seriously, that’s all you have to say.” I know I should be grateful I’m not getting grounded for life, but for once I wanted parents that cared.
I slammed his car door, ready to go inside and face my mother’s screaming of how I embarrassed her for the last time, but my dad’s voice stopped me in my tracks. “You didn’t let me finish. I’m sorry you are going to end up just like me, forever drowning in your head. Just remember your loved ones can never be your life preserver, you’ll just end up taking them down with you.” With that being said, he went inside.
~*~
His words about bringing down those closest to me, forever stuck with me. I looked over at Stella peacefully sleeping and I wished more than ever I could be someone who gives her the perfect happily ever after. It kills me to know one day someone will be that for her.
It was six in the morning and I knew sleep was hopeless. That was the worst part of my mind being a jumbled mess. Sometimes I would be kept up through the night with my mind going a thousand miles per hour or there were days where it was the complete opposite where I just slept for days on end.
I decided not to stay in bed and go for a country ride instead. Sometimes the best way to get myself calm and start my day right was just a drive to clear my mind. I always loved the countryside and the peace it brought me. Honestly, it was making me rethink about if I should still move back home to Bellingham after graduation.
After a good two hours driving, I needed to head to class. It was my final semester and I couldn’t be more than happier to finish. I decided to major in business management because at least I would have control over something.
When I got to my macroeconomics class, I was one of the very last ones to come in. There were barely any open seats, so I sat in the closest one I could see. I wished more than anything that I picked another seat because right next to me was Lola.
Lola was a Freshman last year when I met her at one of the frat parties in the fall. We had some good conversations over our shared major and I even liked how easy going she was. That night we slept with each other and continued to do so for a few weeks. I just thought we were having fun, but she wanted to make things official. I broke things off with her and the true Lola showed herself. The cool and funny girl I thought she was, wasn’t who she really was and more like the spawn of Satan.
“Hi Ezra.” Lola said softly like she was shy. This was the complete opposite of the outgoing Lola I know.
“Hi.” I wish I could just ignore her, but I didn’t need her making a scene. I kept my eyes on the front of the room and prayed the professor would start so we didn’t have time to talk, but surprisingly Lola didn’t have anything else to say.
The rest of the class went smoothly which gave me a great sense of relief. I already have to deal with myself, Stella, and I had no more room for any more craziness in my life. When we got dismissed, I thought I was in the clear but once again I was wrong.
“Ezra, can we talk?” Lola came sauntering up to me.
“I really have to get going.” I said pretending to be in a rush.
“Oh, ok I understand.” The old Lola would have demanded me to listen to her, but the Lola in front of me looked defeated.
Lola went to walk away, but I felt too bad to let her. “Lola, wait.” She stopped and turned around giving me hopeful eyes. “What’s up?”
She came closer to me and said nervously, “I wanted to apologize for how I acted. After losing you and a good amount of my friends, I knew I needed to change. I’ve been actually attending therapy sessions and one of my exercises is to apologize for my past actions.”
“It’s all good and I’m happy for you.” I squeezed her arm and she said, “Thank you.”, in return.
“I’ll see you around.” I am happy she’s trying to change, but it doesn’t change how I feel about her.
“Ok.” She smiled at me excitingly like it meant I wanted to see her more.
I had a feeling this wasn’t good.
Chapter Eight
Stella
It’s been exactly thirteen days since our last kiss. Thirteen days of replaying it over and over again. And thirteen days of wishing I could go back and relive it all over again.
“Earth to Stella.” Knox said while throwing a piece of salami at me and hitting me in the face.
“Hey, no wasting.” Declan said while peeling the piece of salami off my face and shoving it in his mouth.
“I can’t with you two.” I shook my head and went over to the sink to wash the grease off of my face.
“Well, what got you sitting there all quiet?” Yeah I definitely wasn’t going to tell my brother that. I knew he said he would be ok, but honestly I knew if it wasn’t for the whole Madison and Jude thing, he wouldn’t be.
“I have a paper due Monday and I haven’t started it yet.” It wasn’t completely a lie since I do, it just wasn’t what was on my mind right now.
“Shit I forgot too. I figured Brad had your mind occupied.” I kicked Declan under the table to shut him up.
“Brad?” Ezra of course had to walk into the kitchen at the worst time.
“Yeah they became besties since class on Monday.” I swear I’m changing all the snacks to organic and fat free to teach Declan a lesson.
“Besties my ass.” Ezra mumbled under his breath, but it still was loud enough for everyone to hear.
“Paper my ass.” Knox said amused while leaving the kitchen.
“We just have ethics class together.” I don’t know why I’m even explaining this to someone who doesn’t even want to date me, but I didn’t want Ezra jumping to conclusions.
“You free?” He asked while ignoring what I just said. Thank god because I really didn’t want to talk about Brad to Ezra.
“Yeah, what’s up?” I tried to act calm while talking to him, but inside I was freaking out.
“I remember someone telling me they were going to help fix my truck.” He gave me a smile over his mug.
“Yes, let me get dressed!” I got out of my chair eagerly and rushed to my room.
I ransacked my whole closet looking for something casual. I found a pair of jean shorts, a crop T-shirt, and some converse that I barely wore. Once I was dressed, I hurried out of my room only to bump into Madison.
“Converse?” She asked while looking down at my feet. My shoe choices usually were either heels, boots, or wedge sandals.
“I’m going to the garage to help Ezra fix the dent in his truck.” I said nonchalantly.
Madison must have sensed I was excited because she gave me a huge shit eating grin. “Well don’t forget we all planned to hit up Gryff’s tonight.” Gryff’s was a popular dive bar close to the university that the four of us have been wanting to check out. I was more excited to think that it could possibly be a double date if things went the way I hope they would today.
“I won’t. I think today I’m going to put myself out there. I think me being Knox's little sister
is what is preventing him from going further with me.” Madison nodded her head agreeing with me.
She squeezed my arm and said, “I hope everything goes your way. I want to hear all about it later.” I gave her a smile and ran down the stairs to go leave with Ezra.
~*~
“So this is Pete’s.” Ezra pulled up to a retro looking garage with muscle cars going all the way back to fifties parked out front.
“Wow those are beautiful.” I said in awe.
He nodded his head and said, “Yeah they’re nasty.”
“Nasty?” I asked, confused.
Ezra couldn’t help but laugh at my confusion. I on the other hand felt myself getting more embarrassed at the second. “I’m sorry, it means their beautiful but in guy language. I want to introduce you to Pete and show you around before we start.”
“Hey EZ. How much did you bribe this beautiful woman to come with you?” An older man near his eighties in overalls came walking over to us.
“EZ?” I asked, which had the older man saying, “Yeah when this little shit first came with his grandfather we asked him what his nickname should be and he said EZ. I said you need something better, but he said nope that’s what all the ladies say when they see me, I’m EZ on the eyes.” It was now Ezra’s turn to be embarrassed and I couldn’t help the little giggle that slipped out of my mouth.
“Have you known him since he was a little kid?” I asked who I am assuming is Pete.
“Shit, I met this little guy when he was running around in diapers. I swear you couldn’t keep them on him. He would run around, take it off, and what did you call yourself? Nature boy?” Pete gave Ezra a big shit eating grin and Ezra couldn’t help but laugh.
“Stella this old man is Pete, he was my grandfather’s best friend and now my pain in the ass responsibility. Pete this is Stella.” I shook his hand and he smiled at Ezra before saying, “I heard all about you. Man I remember when he moved here with his grandpa he would talk about you all the time.”
I was about to say what, but Ezra rushed in to say, “Excuse him, old age has his memory all loopy. Pete go take your meds and take a nap.”
“Old age my ass.” Pete said while he turned to head back to what looked like his office.
“Highschool?” I asked, but Ezra changed the subject.
“Let’s take a little tour and then we can get to fixing this dent.” He started walking ahead to the cars before I could say anything else.
Ezra showed me classic cars from a 1950 Bel Air to a 1970 Chevy Camaro. I don't have any clue about cars, but listening to how excited Ezra got when he explained it made me want to know more. “Earth to Stella.”
“I’m sorry, I got lost in thought. What did you say?”
“Let’s go fix that dent.” He nodded his head over at his truck.
I followed him to his truck where he showed me how we were fixing the dent. Now that I look at it, I can see why he was so pissed. “What did you do?” Pete came over amused.
Ezra didn’t speak, but just pointed at me. “He wouldn’t let me take my bags in, so he held them over his head and he called me crazy. I decided to show him crazy and climbed on top of his truck’s hood.” Pete couldn’t help hide his smile while Ezra just shook his head and smirked.
Pete whistled and said, “EZ, never tell a woman she is crazy or she will show you crazy.” We both fist bumped each other.
“Great, I see you two are going to be the best of friends.” Ezra said while shaking his head.
“Yup me and… we need a nickname for you.” Pete said while rubbing his chin. “I’m going to call you, Phoenix.”
“Phoenix?” I was surprised that is what Pete came up with.
While Ezra was asking me for tools to pass to him, Pete came up and whispered in my ear, “A Phoenix dies and is reborn again, giving new life. You’re his Phoenix.” He gave me a heart warming smile and wandered back to his office.
“All done.” Ezra cleared his throat. I had no clue if he heard Pete’s words, but they stuck with me. It was like he was telling me Ezra needed me to start over.
“That was quick.”
“Yeah it was a quick one pop to get it out thankfully.” He put the last tool away and yelled over to Pete, “Pete we’re heading out, I’ll see you later!” Pete waved us off and we headed back to the truck.
“Why does everyone have a nickname but Pete?” It was a question that has been on my mind since meeting him.
We got in his truck and Ezra explained to me, “My grandpa and Pete were best friends since diapers. His real name is Eugene, but in school other kids would pick on him for his name. One day it really got to him, so my grandpa started calling him Pete for a nickname and it stuck.”
“Huh, I wonder why he picked Pete?” Right after I asked, Ezra started to instantly laugh.
“I will tell you, but you can’t tell a soul.” I reached for his pinky and gave him a pinky swear. He then continued to say, “The original Pete was my grandfather’s pig who was the whiniest out of the bunch. Eugene at one point was whining so much about his name that it reminded my grandpa of his pig and the rest is history.”
“I’m guessing Pete doesn’t know the origin of his nickname?”
“Nope my grandpa only told me.” We both started laughing, but inside I felt amazing that Ezra would trust me with a secret only his grandpa would tell him.
The rest of the drive back, we talked about class and what else was going on. Talking to him was effortless. I never met someone besides Madison, who I can talk to so freely. I knew this was the time to finally tell him how I really feel.
I was nervous as ever when we pulled up to our house, but it was better to take a chance than wonder what would have happened if I did. He got out of the truck and came to my side to let me out. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, but I went ahead and said, “Ezra ever since we kissed, I can’t stop but think we should really give us a try.” Not the most romantic line, but it was honest.
He looked down at the ground and said, “No we shouldn’t.”
All it took were three words to break my heart.
Chapter Nine
Ezra
“Listen if it’s about Knox, don’t worry about it he...”
“Stop Stella, it's not Knox that’s stopping me from being with you. Yes I do like to flirt with you, but that’s the extent. Can we please just be friends?” Her lip quivered and my heart broke into a million pieces. With just a nod, she turned and headed towards her room. I wanted more than anything to go after her, but I knew I needed to stay strong and walk away. This is what’s best for her, right?
I shook my head to get rid of my thoughts and headed for the kitchen where Jude was sitting at the table sketching some new tattoos. I grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and plopped down next to him.“Something bothering you?” He asked.
“Everything.” I said exhausted.
“Everything meaning Stella?” Jude asked while finishing the last part of his sketch.
“Yup between her being off limits and living here, I’m in for it.”
“Ok, but didn’t Knox tell Stella he didn’t care if you two date?” I didn’t mean off limits because of Knox, but I went with it.
“I swear living in this house with everyone there is no privacy.”
Jude cracked a smile at that and said, “Goodbye the days we can just lay around in our boxers with take out and beers and hello to gossip and girl sitcom shows.” The girls definitely took over our space, but I didn’t mind that. Our house was actually starting to feel like a home.
“So?” Jude waved me on impatiently.
“I’m not good for her Jude.” It was hard thinking I wasn’t, but even harder saying the words out loud.
“Don’t be ridiculous, you guys are crazy for each other.”
“Obviously, but I refuse to let Stella down and I know one day I will.”
“Yeah tell me about it.” Jude looked down at his beer and I could tell the guilt of how he treated Madison st
ill ate him up inside. “We’re bound to mess up, but it’s how you fix it is what truly matters. Now enough with the bull shit excuse and tell me the real reason you’re not all over her.” He drained the last of his beer and raised his eyebrow at me. Nobody knows I was diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder. It was a secret I kept because it was easier hiding behind the smiles and laughs then showing what really goes on in my mind. My father also was diagnosed and seeing how that affected him and my mother, I promised would never be a burden.
I hated keeping secrets, but I wasn’t ready for my friends to hear how fucked up I am or my reasons why I won’t date Stella so I said the one thing that popped in my head. “She’s a virgin dude. She is innocent while I definitely have my sins. I need a girl more on the risky side and not so innocent, I guess you can say.” I felt sick to my stomach when I spewed that garbage out of my mouth. When Jude’s eyes widened, I realized that I just told Stella’s secret.
“Fuck.” I gulped my beer while Jude had his mouth still open in shock. “Don’t say a single word of what I just said and yes that means Madison too. I know she most likely knows, but she doesn’t need to know that’s my reason.”
He shook his head to snap out of it and said, “Holy shit, but I’m not surprised. With Knox being her big brother it probably was hard to date.”
“Nah, I overheard her and Madison one day talking how she doesn’t believe in hookups and she knows when she gives herself away that the guy will be her forever person.” I really needed to shut up.
Jude cringed while he said, “God if a girl told me that I would be running in the opposite direction.”
“I did.” I hung my head down. That night when Stella told me she was a virgin, I had no idea as to why she still was until the day I overheard her and Madison talking about it back in the fall. The reason I ran is because I wanted so bad to be the one she gave herself too, but not like that. She deserved more than that and I didn’t trust myself to keep my hands to myself.
“Damn well maybe one day she’ll get more experience and you’ll want her.” My knuckles turned white as I squeezed the edge of the table in an attempt not to punch him. He smirked at my reaction and said, “See, you get pissed if you even think of anyone else touching her. Better get over it and make her yours before someone else does.” Jude clapped my shoulder and exited the kitchen. I sat there with a sickening feeling growing inside me at the thought of losing Stella to anyone else.