Belong

by NB Baker

  Chapter Four

  The Pizza Joint isn’t busy at all which is kind of odd, but I’m so down with it because I am starving. The waitress greets us. Well, I should say Justin with an over excited and bubbly. ‘Well, hi there, Hon.’ I want to take her fake double D’s that she stuffed in her red, two sizes too small, leaving nothing to the imagination pizzeria shirt and beat her to death with them. Hon my ass.

  “Fucking snatch!” I mumble to myself. Okay, maybe it was a little louder than a mumble. But hey, the truths the truth.

  Good hell, where did that little green monster come from? When I think about the thoughts that just ran through my mind and then I had the audacity to add the word little to describe the green monster… Hilarious! At least I think so because I start laughing.

  Justin looks down at me with the strangest look. “What was that, Kitten?”

  Batting my eyelashes at him., I play innocent. “Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud. Ya know, things like world peace, saving abused animals, ending poverty. Just crazy shit like that.”

  He wraps his arm around my waist and kisses me on the forehead. “There’s my smartass.”

  Debbie Double D doesn’t think I’m all that funny. She’s got a look on her face like she just ate the lime with no tequila.

  She stops at a booth. “Will this do, Hon?” She puts extra emphasis on the word Hon. Then flashes me a total smug look. My God, I just want to fucking twat punch her!

  Justin holds out his hand, gesturing that I sit first. After I get into the booth, he says, “Slide over, Kitten.”

  As he sits down next to me, the Double D Devil slides my menu across the table knocking over the salt shaker. She reaches across the table claiming how sorry she is for making such a mess all the while shoving her baby butt boobs right in Justin’s face. He leans back as far away as he possible without being in the next booth. Once she finally stands up, she tries to hand Justin his menu.

  “No thank you. I’ll share my girl’s menu. And umm, just so you know, I’ll pass on anything else you seem to be offering.”

  He puts his arm around my shoulder, pulling me in close to his side. My inner green monster starts doing a happy dance, with cartwheels, flips, and a little twerking. There’s that sour puss face again. I just can’t refrain myself from giving her a pouty face. She takes our drink order and storms off.

  When our drinks come back, it’s a different waitress that brings them. We order a pizza then Justin hands me my drink. “I don’t see you as a Sprite girl. Ya know, there’s just no caffeine with you being a coffee addict and all.”

  I wait until Justin takes a big drink then I look in my glass. “Well, in my opinion, the chances that the cunt cake spit in our drinks are pretty high. So, at least with something clear, I should be able to see it.”

  Justin starts to spit his drink all over the table. At first, I think it’s because he thinks she did, in fact, spit in it. That is until he starts howling with laughter. Once he finally calms down, he asks, “Did you just say cunt cake?”

  I pass him a handful of napkins. Wiping the soda from his mouth and the tears from his eyes, he says, “Cunt cake, now that’s fucking priceless.”

  We eat while we talk about random things.

  Justin looks out the window then starts digging for his wallet. “Shit, we’ve gotta go!”

  He throws some money on the table and then grabs my hand while pulling me out of the booth behind him.

  I look out trying to see what has caused his urgency but I don’t see anything. Not that I have a lot of time as he hurries me through the restaurant.

  When we get outside, I’m still looking around trying to figure out what the hell is going on. He keeps pulling me toward his bike. He hands me a helmet and I put it on, while he clips the chin strap for me. He takes a jacket out of the bag on the back of his bike. He helps me into it and zips it closed. I notice he has this amazing glimmer in his eyes, like a child on getting ready to open a birthday present.

  “Justin, what is going on?”

  “Come on, what do you say we chase the sunset?”

  We zip through the city streets until we reach a highway that curves around the base of the Rocky Mountains. He’s right, it does feel like we are chasing the sunset. Just when you think it’s within your grasp, it drifts just a little further away, like it’s teasing us.

  I give him a nudge, and he opens up the throttle, and we’re off. I wrap my arms tightly around his waist as the wind rushes past us. Nothing but miles and miles of empty highway in front of us. It feels like we’re the only two people in the world and it’s ours for the taking. Without thinking, I let go of his waist, raising my arms into the air as if I’m trying to grab that flirtatious sun.

  I feel like my soul has just taken its first breath. I yell as loud as I can, “This is fucking awesome!” Justin looks back over his shoulder and gives me that classic Justin smirk, and we go even faster.

  We slow down as the roads becomes winding, our bodies moving in sync with the bike like we’re all doing an exotic waltz. The sun has defeated us in the chase but has rewarded us with a beautiful full moon. We turn off onto a side road. I watch the dirt as it floats beside us, and feel the bike as it begins working harder, so I know that we’re climbing uphill. We ride like this for a long time, which is fine with me. It’s just us. Him and me. The moon's light reflects off everything it touches causing a beautiful glow. Justin slows down and pulls off onto a cliff overlooking a small mountain pond.

  The moon has decided to tuck its self behind one of the far away mountain peaks, but there’s still enough light to see where we’re walking. Holding my hand, Justin leads me through the rocks to a small grassy spot where he sits down. I’m too busy looking out across the majestic beauty that lays in front of us to notice him tugging gently on my hand.

  I sit down next to him, and he pulls me over, so I’m cradled between his legs. I lean back against him, and he wraps his arms around me.

  Looking up at him, I say, “This is breathtaking.”

  The moon likes to play the same type of games as the sun. Just not quite as taunting. The moon slowly dips behind the mountains and then back out as if it’s playing peek a boo with us.

  We sit there for the longest time saying nothing. When Justin breaks the silence, there’s melancholy in his voice. “I used to come here all the time when I was younger. We used to fish down in that pond every chance we got.”

  My words get caught in my throat. “With your dad?”

  He doesn’t say anything. Just stares off into the distance. I snuggle back closer into his chest, and he wraps his arms tighter around me. “Thank you so much for bringing me here.”

  With a soft grin crossing his face., he tells me, “Anything for you.”

  Once again, I’m in a situation that I don’t want to end. But the air is cold, and I can’t stop shaking no matter how hard I try.

  Justin scoots back away from me, and his absence makes me even colder. He helps me to my feet and walks me slowly back to the bike. The engine roars to life, and we make our way back down the mountain.

  When we get into town, he pulls into a gas station. “Thought you might need a hot cup of coffee to help thaw out.”

  “Oh man, you couldn’t be more right. I’m so cold, I think my ass almost froze to the seat.”

  It feels so good when I wrap my hands around the steaming cup of coffee. I have half of it gone before we ever walk out.

  “I hate to, but I think I’d better get you back to Delish. You need to finish thawing out, and I’ve got a class first thing in the morning.”

  I don’t like the thought of staying at Delish without him there. I know it sounds stupid, but for some reason, it would seem empty. Not that going home sounds better, but I’m afraid of the price I might pay if I don’t.

  I’m disappointed but know that he has a life besides me. “Well, I guess I should probably go home.”

  We get back on the bike, and I give him directions to the
house. Even though traffic is almost nonexistent, he drives slowly through the dimly lit streets. I tighten my arms around him and tuck my head against his back. He pulls into the drive and shuts off the engine. He helps me off the bike and stands in front of me; he acts like he has no clue what to do.

  Shoving his hands into his front pockets, he says, “That was an amazing first date. I hope it’s okay that I called it that.”

  I stretch up and give him a kiss on the cheek. Then he puts his hand on the back of my neck pulling me to his lips. His kiss is intense and passionate. His tongue sweeps through my mouth twisting with mine. Breathless, I give him a shy smile. “Yeah, that was definitely an amazing first date.”

  He has a huge smile on his beautiful face. “What do you say we do it again tomorrow?”

  I bounce up and down a little with delight. “Yeah, that sounds nice.”

  Justin gets back on his bike. “Why don’t you go on inside so I know you’re in safe.”

  Little does he know that I’m probably safer out here. “No, I’m good.”

  Wrapping my arm around myself, I stand in the cold air and watch him until his tail lights disappear into the darkness. Dad’s car being parked all jacked up meaning the normal. He’s drunk again. With any luck, he’ll be passed out. It’s unfortunate that he’s home, but I find some comfort that the house is dark. My plan is to be as quiet as a mouse and sneak up to my room. No drama tonight. All I want to do is to crawl into bed. All the fresh air has kicked my ass, and I’m beyond tired. This is the first time in forever that I haven’t wanted to dive back into a book.

  I close the door quietly behind me and make it about five steps into the house when it feels like the left side of my face has exploded. I fall to the floor only then to have the same shooting pain in my stomach.

  “Where the fuck, have you been you stupid fucking cunt!” He screams down at me. “What have you been doing? Let me guess. Out fucking anything with a dick? You’re such a fucking whore! Your mom, would fucking puke if she could see you now. It should have fucking been you!” He spits at me. “You know that, right? It should have been you!” His voice booms the words, ‘It should have been you,’ as he continues to kick me over and over again.

  I try to crawl away, but he grabs me around the throat and starts pulling me to my feet. He slams me back against the wall and continues to lift me off the ground. I kick my legs and try to dig my fingernails into anything that I can. I can’t breathe, and the room is spinning. Suddenly, he slams his head against mine. When he loosens his grip from around my throat, I take a deep gasping breath and collapse to the floor. I couldn’t have been more wrong thinking that he was finished with me. He pulls me up by the collar of Justin’s coat and starts punching me in the face. The last thing I remember before my body can take no more and shuts down is being thrown across the room and the warm sensation of blood running down my face.

  A pounding at the front door wakes me. I’m confused as to where I am and what’s going on. My eye is crusted closed, and my cheek is stuck to the floor. Finally, I get my eyes open. It’s at that moment that I see the cause. I am lying in a half-dried puddle of my own blood. Holy hell, I wish whoever is relentlessly pounding on the door would fucking stop. They might as well be pounding directly on my head with a fucking jack hammer. Flash backs of him punching me and throwing me around like a rag doll rush through my mind. I panic, wondering where he’s at. Is he still here? Is he behind me, getting ready to strike again?

  The pounding starts up again. “Sarah! Hey, it’s Amie! Are you home? Sarah!”

  Oh shit! She cannot see me like this. If she does, she will be on a manhunt. She will want to fuck someone up, bad. I know her intentions will be good, but I just can’t deal right now. The pain that shoots through my body as I try to stand up is excruciating, causing me to collapse back to the floor.

  Thank God, the pounding finally stops. How in the hell am I going to cover this up? Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Maybe I should show the world exactly what he is. For me, I know physical damage will always mend. It’s the emotional crap that festers like an infected wound. It will never heal. The words he repeatedly said last night eat at my brain. ‘It should have been you. It should have been you.’ It echoes like a lonely cry down a dark empty hallway. It’s obvious that his pure loathing toward me will never end. Maybe it’s time I throw in the towel, simply give up, and stop chasing ghosts.

  I don’t hear anything indicating that anyone is in the house with me. I crawl on my hands and knees until I make it to the stairway. It just about kills me, but I make it. Looking at the staircase, I realize the view an ant has looking up from the bottom of a sunflower. Wrapping my arm around my midsection, I pull myself up onto my feet. Balancing against the wall, I take one step at a time, very slowly until I make it to the top.

  The image I see looking back at me from the mirror makes me sick to my stomach. The majority of my face is bruised and swollen. Both eyes are crimson, well as much as I can see of them beyond the swelling. My lips are busted open and dried blood covers my face. My chest hurts so bad that the pain from taking a breath is enough to knock me to my knees.

  My head starts to spin, and the tears start to fall. Some of the tears are because of the pain, some are because of him, but most of them are because I’m fucking pissed. I’m fucking pissed that I’ve let my life get to this point. That he took it to this point. Oh yeah, mom would really puke if she saw me! How in the fuck do you think she would react to you punching your daughter in the face and kicking her until blood comes out her nose? Then leaving her lying there in a pool of her own blood. Oh yeah, that right there is real father of the year material. Fucking douche bag.

  I have to get myself cleaned up. I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. I must get this shit figured out. What am I going to do? My conversation with Leila comes rushing back to me. How I feel when I’m near Justin. I don’t know if we’ll end up together or not, but I now know that feeling, the ‘zing’ is possible for me. I’ve had a taste of him and like a drug, I need more. Then there’s my dream. I don’t know how much more of a sign I could ask for. I finally feel happy, and mom and Stella showing up in my dream—they were telling me to let go and be happy. A dream, not a nightmare. I’m at a crossroad. Generally, dad just acts like a fucking playground bully, running his mouth, pulling hair, shit like that. He’s gotten this physical with me before but he’s never taken it this far. What happens next time? What happens if he doesn’t stop? What, I end up dead?

  I search through the medicine cabinet looking for anything that might ease the pain. Of course, the best I find is ibuprofen. I would look through dad’s stuff, but God only knows what I would actually be taking. I’d probably end up seeing four headed dragons dancing in fields of daisies. If I go to the hospital, there will be too many people involved, and that means too many questions. So, ibuprofen and a hot shower it is.

  The hot water eases the physical pain somewhat but doesn’t do a damn thing for the battle going on inside my head. I can’t stay here. I could go to Delish, I know Leila would let me camp out there, or I could stay with Amie for a while. At least until I can figure out what I’m going to do on a permanent basis. What I do know is, that I’m done living this way. The bruises. The cuts. The broken bones. The scars both inside and out. I want it all to disappear. It’s time to start a new chapter in my story.

  Making it back to my bedroom, I’m relieved to find my phone intact. I decide that Leila is the best route to go. I know in my heart that she will be fucking straight up livid when she sees me, but she will keep it together until I get my head straight.

  I scroll down on my phone to Leila’s number and take a deep breath. I have to keep my composure. Even though I know I must leave this place, t saying it aloud, admitting to it—that makes it real. For so many years, I have lived with the fantasy that things would get better. The fear of losing any connection I have wit
h mom and Stella by leaving the home we all shared nearly crushes me, but I know I must persevere.

  “Hey, lady.”

  “What’s up bitches?” This is Leila’s standard greeting.

  “Oh… just stuff.” My voice starts to waiver on me. I’ve got to stay strong, so I take another deep breath which causes me to wince in pain.

  “Sarah, is everything okay? Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m okay. I need to ask for a couple of favors.”

  “Anything, you know that,” she says, softly.

  “I need a place to stay, indefinitely.”

  The line goes quiet. “Leila, are you still there?”

  “Yeah, Sweetie. I’m still here. Absolutely, you can stay with me or at Delish. Whatever you want, it’s yours. Did he hurt you, Sarah?”

  The tears start their familiar journey down my face again. “It’s pretty bad, but I’ll survive. Can you please come get me?”

  I hear the sound of a car door slamming. My guts instantly twist into knots, and bile rises in my throat. “Shit, I gotta go. Please, hurry and bring Oscar just in case,” I say, panicking.

  “Just in case what? Sarah!”

  I hang up the phone, dropping it to the floor. Panic engulfs me, my heart’s racing, and I feel like I’m going to pass out. Fighting back the urge to be sick, I move as fast as I can, but everything hurts so fucking bad. I’m scared it’s not fast enough, and he’ll come busting through the door to finish the job he started last night.

  I slide the lock on my door and prop a chair under the door handle. I release the breath that I have been holding in when I hear knocking at the front door. If it were dad, he wouldn’t knock. I hobble over to the window to try and see who it is. I see a truck parked in the drive that I don’t recognize. My heart is filled with overwhelming relief when I see Justin. I start banging on the window hoping he’ll hear me. I try to pull it open but it hasn’t worked for years I don’t know why it would be any different today. Besides the fact that it causes too much pain even to try. I keep knocking like a lunatic not caring if I break the glass out of the window. I scream his name as loud as I can. Finally, he looks up.