Falling From Grace

by SL Naeole

  I looked into Robert's eyes. Still steel--cold, unmoving. I didn't like that. "When did you arrange for Stacy to take us home?"

  "Yesterday. She was the one who suggested I come with you this morning."

  I couldn't stop the amused smile that turned the corners of my mouth upwards from appearing. Someone was either playing matchmaker or...she was really trying to get on Graham's nerves. Either way, I had a lot to be thankful for when it came to Stacy, my sudden friend.

  "Will you be coming to the house, too?" I turned to ask Graham. He seemed to struggle with an answer before finally nodding in the affirmative. "Good. I'll see you there then." He walked away, the weight of all that he'd learned today making him appear shorter to me for some reason.

  Once he was gone, I hobbled towards the steps that led off the stage; since no one other than Robert was watching anymore, I simply walked down, too tired and annoyed to keep up the charade of using the crutches. The fact that after an entire day of using them, my body had become used to the step-pull-swing rhythm had escaped me until I realized that I had a little strut going on.

  "That's actually quite cute."

  I glared at Robert, annoyed that he was as aware of my movement as he was of my mind at that moment. "Care to explain to me why you were so rude just a little while ago?" I could still see the anger that hardened his eyes, preventing that small joy I would get from seeing the liquid shimmer enter into my vision.

  "Not really."

  "Not really? What do you mean, 'not really'?" We walked side by side, my crutches dragging on the ground as I stared at him, not amused at all by his response.

  "I mean not really. Right now, let's leave it at that, okay Gee?"

  I stopped walking. "Uh-uh. I want to know why you acted the way you did around Graham. I know it wasn't because of anything that I was thinking, so it must have been because he thought something that you didn't like. So what was it? Did he call you a name? Was he lying about being sorry? What?"

  Robert continued to walk away but his voice never left my side...erm, head. If you're not in the car in two minutes, Stacy will leave you here.

  How beyond rude could one get? Changing the subject in my mind? Ugh, I had to admit that he had a point. Realizing that I had come to the end of my freedom from crutchless motion, I reverted back to the step-pull-swing repetition I had perfected throughout the day and managed to get to the front of the school before Stacy decided that I simply wasn't worth taking home anymore.

  Stacy's car was a cute little thing with a front end that looked as though it were smiling at you. "It's a Neon." She proclaimed proudly as I approached, my face obviously screaming "what is it".

  "My oldest brother's old car. He bought himself one of those cutesy little hybrids last year and gave this to me when I turned seventeen. Isn't she cute? I call her Lola."

  "Lola? Why?" The voice came from inside of the vehicle.

  "Because she looks like a Lola." Stacy stepped aside, and I gasped at the passenger in the front seat.

  "Um. Hi-Lark."

  Lark smiled, although her pale gray eyes--though blind and sightless--were focused elsewhere. I turned my head and allowed my eyes to follow her gaze and saw Graham getting into his Buick.

  He seems to have weathered this storm quite well.

  I shook my head, not out of disagreement, but simply at the sound of her melodic voice filling my head without ever uttering a word. Though I should have been used to it, it was still strange. My mind kept telling me that lips should be moving, eyes focused on me, in order for conversations to be had.

  You'll get used to it.

  I certainly hoped that there'd be cause to as I watched Robert open the rear passenger door for me. The creases on his face and the angry hardness in his eyes had eased a bit, but for all of that, he was still the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on, and I prayed that I certainly did have the time and reason to get used to it.

  ***

  Stacy dropped us off in front of my house, her hands jittery with nervousness as she realized how late she was, and knowing how angry her father was going to be. "I cannot be late anymore. I'm a teacher now! He's so going to whoop my butt when I get there!"

  With completely unnatural--well, unnatural for a normal person--quickness, Robert had me out of the backseat of Stacy's Neon and standing in my driveway. Whatever that must have looked like to Stacy, she said nothing except an almost indistinguishable exclamation of farewell and then signed it with the peeling sound of tires against asphalt.

  Lark had been the first one out, almost before the car had even stopped moving. She now stood with her hand on the seat of Robert's motorcycle which was still parked behind Janice's little SUV; her face was holding a smirk of amusement on it that would have looked absolutely unnatural on anyone else other than her.

  "She's going to break about eighty-three traffic laws in order to get to practice, only to find out it's been cancelled. That's going to be amusing to see. I think I'll watch."

  I looked at her, confused. "Watch? How are you going to do that?"

  Her smirk grew into a full blown smile. "Well, I could go there, of course, and simply stand outside and watch it all unfold. But I think I'll just view it from her eyes and the eyes of her brother who cancelled the practice so he could catch some one-on-one time with his new girlfriend."

  My jaw popped open in shock. "You can do that?"

  She turned her head to face me. The eerie look in her pale eyes caused a shiver to run up and down my spine. I didn't necessarily like it when she did that, knowing that she could actually see me, just through someone else's eyes.

  "I told you that my ability isn't limited by distance. Besides, she's funny. I like the thoughts that run through her head. I'm surprised Robert hasn't shared some of them with you."

  I didn't need to say that Robert wouldn't have shared that kind of information with me. She could hear both of our thoughts on the subject quite clearly. It made her smirk again.

  "How odd. Usually, he's all about the showing off. I'm amazed he hasn't said anything. This is a first. So many firsts today. How amusing."

  I looked up at Robert, who had remained silent throughout the entire exchange. The slight crinkle in the corner of his eyes belied the dour expression elsewhere on his face.

  "Well," I said in a rather annoyed tone. "Since I'm obviously out of the loop, I think I'll take myself inside." I placed the crutches underneath my arms, back to pretending again, and headed towards the front door.

  Robert kept pace with me, the amusement spreading from his eyes to the mouth. By the time we reached the porch, he looked ready to burst out with laughter, his beautiful eyes liquid again. It was annoying. It was amazing.

  "I won't ask what's so funny; I probably wouldn't get the joke anyway. I just want to thank you for being there for me today, Robert. It...meant a great deal to me." I reached for the doorknob and turned it, pushing the door wide open as I entered the house.

  Janice had apparently been listening for the door. She came out of the kitchen with a dish towel in her hands, an anxious look on her face. "So, how was the first day back?"

  "She did very well."

  I looked behind me at the voice who had answered before I had a chance to. Robert was closing the door behind the two of us. "Don't you have to take Lark home?" I asked, the annoyance edging out anything else I might have been feeling.

  Robert shook his head. "She's got a ride."

  "With who?" My lips were pulled in an aggravated purse.

  "With a friend." Leave it alone, Grace.

  Comprehension finally kicked into gear and I nodded. "Oh. Ok." I smiled, the act forced due to my sheepishness.

  "So how did the soliloquy go?" Janice asked, sitting down on the sofa, her eyes soft with concern, sensing that not everything went well.

  I maneuvered my way to the recliner and sat down, placing the crutches next to me. I looked up to see that Robert was standing next to the recliner, his hand placed protect
ively on my shoulder. "It went as well as could be expected," I answered her.

  I could tell by the look on Janice's face that my half-hearted answer wasn't going to cut it in the convincement department. "What I mean is that I didn't pass out or anything and I didn't turn into a ball of nerves while onstage. In fact, I did pretty well, all things considering..."

  Janice cocked one eyebrow up, that last line dragging her curiosity out. "All things considering what?"

  "All things considering the fact that she hadn't had time to prepare onstage like the rest of us." Robert's interjected answer seemed to please Janice, who I knew had been given explicit orders to retrieve as much information as possible from me by Dad. Strike while the iron is hot, he'd say. This iron was ice cold.

  Wiping her hands on the towel again, Janice stood up. "Well, okay then. If you're still in one piece, and Robert's here to keep you company until James gets back, I think I'll go and finish up on dinner. I'm making meatloaf if you're interested in staying, Robert."

  All of my annoyance had vanished as soon as Robert had saved me from having to discuss the gory details of this afternoon, and now looking into his divine face, I didn't want anything else but for him to stay. For dinner. For dessert. Forever.

  "If you don't mind having another mouth to feed this evening, I'd love to," he smiled. Janice, much like every other woman who had ever come into contact with him, seemed an inch away from swooning. Swooning? Did women in the twenty-first century do that anymore? If they didn't, Janice was about to start a new trend.

  "Well. Hmm. I don't mind at all. Okay." Janice's lack of anything else to say seemed to confuse her as much as it did me, but the semi-bored look on Robert's face spoke volumes. He was used to it, the addled minds of women who came in contact with the aura of his divinity...his charm.

  Annoyance flooded right back into me as I realized that this wasn't the first time that a female authority figure had behaved this way around him. How many mothers, step-mothers...grandmothers of the girls he'd dated in his long life had reacted in this exact same manner, even when propriety demanded exactly the opposite? I shook the thought out of my head. It wasn't right of me to expect anything of someone who'd been around far longer than some countries have existed.

  I burst out laughing at the absurdity of that thought. That ridiculousness of it all was simply too much! I covered my mouth quickly, my self-consciousness kicking into gear, and looked around at my audience.

  Fortunately, Janice had already retreated back to the kitchen, so all I was left with was the steely eyed stare of my angel. "You have to admit, that's pretty funny."

  He shrugged. "I think the absurdity lies in your inability to realize that the reactions of everyone else bore me, and that your reactions are the only ones that interest me."

  Remembering Lark's amusement at my treatment of her brother, I couldn't help but smile. "You don't take rejection well."

  "I've never had to deal with it before. Lark was right. It's completely detestable. I'll have to remember to not do anything to make you reject me again." He sat in the spot that Janice had vacated, placing his hand on my casted knee, and searched my face. "Are you ready to talk about it? About what happened that night? Your head is full of so many questions, and I want to answer them, all of them if I can."

  I shook my head. "Graham's supposed to be coming over, remember? I don't think he'd want to hear about my insecurities stemming from your many, many...many girlfriends."

  He leaned in, bringing his face dangerously close to mine. "I'm not worried about Graham. I'm more concerned about us; where do we stand, Gee?"

  My stomach did an Olympic qualifying somersault at the sound of him saying the words "us" and "we". Looking into those shimmering eyes, seeing that incredibly beautiful smile, inhaling the intoxicating fragrance of divinity that was absolutely unnatural and, ironically, very, very sinful, I should have been willing to give him whatever it was that he wanted. Heaven knew that I wanted to... "I think where we stand is on the precipice of a very good friendship...as long as you stop calling me Gee."

  He pulled away from me, the frustration written clearly on his face. "That's not exactly making me feel better."

  I smiled. "Well, it's a good thing that this isn't about you then, isn't it?"

  He returned my smile. "A very good thing, because if it were, I'd have to start questioning whether or not I truly am what I've been brought up to believe. This is very disconcerting, not having any sway over you."

  "Oh, you still have sway, just not as much as you'd like, or are used to." I put my hand over his, wondering how that felt, having his fingers sandwiched between my plastered limbs.

  "I wouldn't know; I can't feel anything."

  I started to remove my hand, that statement having caught me off guard. He quickly placed his other hand on top, holding me firmly in place. I looked at my hand, now sandwiched between his, feeling the heat radiate through the still shell. "I...I don't understand."

  "Don't pull away every time you don't understand something, Grace. There are a lot of things about me you'll never understand, and if all you want from me is friendship, even that won't survive your constant retreats."

  "Well then start explaining, because I'm feeling very confused here," I bit out, my patience wearing thin underneath the weight of my annoyance.

  He grunted, a sly grin spreading on his face. "I thought you didn't want to discuss anything because Graham was coming over."

  I rolled my eyes. "And I thought you weren't worried about him. Please, tell me what you mean when you say that you can't feel anything." I slowly removed my hand from beneath his and placed it against his cheek. "You can't feel this?"

  He shook his head. "I can see how it feels through your eyes; you feel my warmth, the smoothness of my cheek, the way your hand gets hotter just by touching my skin, but I can't feel it myself, only through you, and even then, it's merely a reflection of your own emotions. It's one of the many things that separates us from humans."

  "But you've never said anything before. All this time, I thought..." I couldn't finish the sentence. I didn't know how.

  "I don't need to physically feel anything when I can appreciate how it feels to someone else," he said quickly, covering my hand on his face with his, "Isn't it better that I can see how you feel when you touch me...and I touch you, and enjoy that for what it is worth?"

  "No. It isn't better. It's tragic. To not be able to feel the touch of another person is one of the saddest things I've ever heard. And it's also disturbing, if you want to know the truth. All of the times you touched me, you really weren't. I know it wasn't, but I can't help but feel like it was all a lie." I pulled away from him, but he prevented me from extricating my hand from his face.

  Robert shook his head again. "Every time I held your hand, touched your face, kissed your hair, I could feel it from you, through you. It is enough for me. I cannot ask for anything more than that, Grace, especially considering all that I am and all that I have available to me. That would be selfish of me--to want something so much--just to be able to feel your softness, or your warmth."

  "I don't understand. You're an angel. What kind of sick, twisted joke is it that angels can't feel anything?" I scoffed.

  A sad smile formed on Robert's lips...lips that had never felt a kiss, and never would. "Grace, I can feel. That's what I'm trying to tell you--I feel everything through humans. Empathy and sympathy are things many humans say they feel, but those are things that we must feel. It is a part of who we are. It helps us to understand those that we're supposed to help or punish. Without it, what good are we? What good is our purpose here if we are incapable of truly understanding its value amongst your kind?"

  "So you're telling me that you're okay with this? You're okay with knowing that the only way you can feel is through someone else's thoughts?" I was in disbelief that someone could accept such limitations.

  "What else can I be but okay with it? I've had over fifteen hundred years to get used to i
t, Grace. It's not as though I just discovered this little tidbit yesterday." His voice seemed agitated. His beautiful mouth turned down in a slight frown, the corners hinting at a full grimace. "I won't lie and say that I wouldn't love to be able to feel the sun's warmth on my face, or grass between my toes, or any other cliche that comes along that you humans take for granted. Of course I would love that. To have my own memory, instead of someone else's would be a gift! But I'm not going to get upset or angry because I can't."

  His eyes were steel again. I knew he was upset. I seemed to be very good at doing that: Working his angelic emotions towards absolute human sentimental levels.

  He laced his fingers with mine, and looked ready to say something else, but the sound of the doorbell ringing stopped him. Or maybe he had stopped just a second beforehand, having already known who was out there and what they were preparing to do.

  Janice came back out of the kitchen, the seemingly obligatory kitchen towel between her hands. "I'll get that. You two stay put." She walked towards the front door, opening it with a wide arc. "I was wondering when you'd smell dinner cooking! Come in!"

  She came leading a dripping wet Graham behind her. He was soaked from the rain I had not realized had started to fall, and he still had that hard expression on his face that he'd had when he left the auditorium. He took one look at Robert and his expression became even more stern.

  "Let me go and get you a towel, Graham." Janice was staring at the drops of water that were pooling on the floor beneath Graham. I could see that it was bothering her. When she returned with an old towel for him, Graham thanked her roughly. His mood wasn't about to give way for any sort of politeness for Janice. Or Robert, by the way he was glaring at him.

  "So what took you so long?" I asked, trying to bring his focus to me. "I could have sworn you left before I did."

  "I was planning to, but I forgot that I had practice today. I stayed for as long as necessary, then came here. Fortunately the rain kept us from stinking."