Girl Alone: Joss came home from school to discover her father’s suicide

by Cathy Glass

  Don’t put the idea in her head, I thought.

  Mark nodded. ‘I take your point,’ he said.

  I could see nothing was going to change, so I said, ‘If we’re not going to alter the number of times Joss is allowed out, can we at least confirm that she is with me all day Sunday?’

  ‘That seems reasonable,’ Mark said. ‘Do you agree, Linda?’

  ‘Yes. At least I’ll know where she is on Sundays.’

  ‘Joss, can we confirm that you are happy to stay in with Cathy on Sundays as you have been doing?’ Mark asked her.

  ‘I guess,’ she said.

  I saw Mark look at the clock. Reviews usually last an hour, but forty-five minutes had already gone and there was still a lot to get through. Mark asked Linda if there was anything else she wanted to raise. There wasn’t, so he turned to me. ‘Cathy, would you like to go next, please?’

  I glanced at the notes I held on my lap, but before I had a chance to speak, Joss – now having lost all her initial reserve – remembered something she wanted to say. ‘I still haven’t got a front-door key,’ she blurted. ‘And it’s been more than two weeks!’

  Mark looked puzzled.

  ‘Joss raised this at a meeting I had with Cathy,’ Amelia explained. ‘Cathy said she would give Joss a front-door key when she was acting more responsibly.’

  ‘I have been,’ Joss declared.

  All eyes were now on me, although Linda threw me a knowing look. ‘I’m still not comfortable with Joss having her own front-door key,’ I said. ‘And there really isn’t any need. I am always home before her to let her in.’

  ‘But you said after two weeks,’ Joss said, glaring at me.

  ‘I was at that meeting,’ Jill said, coming to my rescue. Then, addressing Joss, she said, ‘The agreement was that when you had been coming home on time for two weeks and your behaviour at school had improved then Cathy would consider giving you a front-door key. But I don’t think we’re there yet, and also there are other issues that would stop me from recommending Cathy gives you a key just yet.’

  ‘What are the other issues?’ Mark asked, looking up from writing.

  ‘Joss has admitted to taking money from Cathy’s purse and her daughters’ money boxes,’ Jill said. I was pleased Jill had raised this and I didn’t have to.

  ‘Joss!’ Linda exclaimed, turning to her daughter. ‘It was bad enough that you stole from me, but to steal from Cathy and her family is unforgivable!’

  ‘I’m paying it back,’ Joss grumbled.

  I didn’t mention that Joss had told me she was allowed to help herself from her mother’s purse. I could tell by Joss’s expression that she knew she was in the wrong.

  ‘Allowing Joss to have a key at this stage’, Jill said, ‘could also have implications for her house security and insurance if things were to go missing.’

  ‘I think we’ll make having a front-door key a goal that you’re working towards,’ Mark said sensibly to Joss. ‘If this hasn’t been achieved before your next review, we will discuss it again then, all right?’

  Joss shrugged a begrudging acceptance.

  ‘Please continue, Cathy,’ Mark added.

  I glanced at my notes. ‘Joss has settled in well with my family. She generally has a good relationship with my children and she has met my parents. I include Joss in all family activities and, although she is reluctant to begin with, she always enjoys herself. We like Joss very much but understand she is hurting and this sometimes comes out in angry outbursts. I’ve talked to her about counselling, but as we’ve already heard she doesn’t want that yet. Joss eats well and has a varied diet. Her bedtime is ten o’clock when she’s in, and she does have nightmares. I always go to her room to settle her and she’s fine in the morning.’ I paused to allow Mark time to catch up as he took notes.

  ‘I am especially pleased that Joss is doing some homework most evenings,’ I continued. ‘I hope this is improving her grades at school. I am very concerned, however, that when she is out of the house she is smoking – cigarettes and cannabis – and drinking alcohol. I’ve talked to her about the damage she is doing to her health and also that she is putting herself at risk of coming to harm. She promises to change, but once out with her friends – who are all older than her – she forgets.’

  ‘Does she come home drunk?’ Mark asked, glancing at me and then at Joss.

  ‘Not always drunk, but she’s obviously been drinking and she doesn’t deny it.’

  I heard Linda sigh.

  ‘I am also concerned that Joss is regularly late for school in the mornings and also after the lunch break,’ I said. ‘Joss was also involved in an incident at a newsagents close to the school and Amelia is aware of this.’ Mark nodded and I glanced at my notes. ‘I think we’ve covered everything else I wanted to say already.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Mark said. ‘And Joss can stay with you for as long as necessary?’ This was a standard question.

  ‘Yes,’ I confirmed.

  ‘I suppose I should have asked Joss this question, as she is old enough to answer,’ Mark said, ‘but health-wise, how is she?’

  ‘Fine,’ I said. ‘I have no worries about Joss’s health apart from the drinking and smoking and her unsafe lifestyle.’

  ‘And she’s up to date with her dentist and optician check-ups?’

  ‘As far as I know. I understand she had check-ups before she came to me.’

  ‘Joss still sees our dentist and optician,’ Linda clarified.

  Mark finished writing. ‘Is there anything else you want to say, Cathy?’

  ‘Only that we like having Joss live with us and I hope she will continue to build on the improvements she has already made.’ I smiled at Joss and she managed a very small smile back.

  ‘Thank you, Cathy,’ Mark said. ‘Jill, as Cathy’s supervising social worker, would you like to add anything?’

  ‘Cathy is one of our most experienced foster carers,’ Jill said. ‘I am satisfied that Joss is receiving a very high standard of care. I visit Cathy every month and also see her at training. Her record keeping is excellent, and she updates me regularly on Joss’s progress and any issues that arise between my visits. I pass these updates on to Joss’s social worker. I have no concerns about Cathy’s care of Joss.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Mark said, throwing me an appreciative smile. ‘We’ll hear from Joss’s social worker, Amelia, now.’ He looked at her. ‘I’ve read all the relevant information. Apart from Joss moving to Cathy’s, has there been any other significant change since Joss’s last review?’

  ‘No,’ Amelia said.

  ‘Any changes to the care plan?’

  ‘Not at present, although the department is still considering the option of a secure therapeutic placement should it become necessary.’

  He nodded. ‘Have all the decisions that were made at the last review happened?’

  ‘Yes,’ Amelia confirmed.

  ‘And we know the contact arrangements are staying the same,’ he said as he wrote.

  ‘Yes.’

  These were all standard questions that the IRO would probably know the answers to but needed to confirm for the sake of the review.

  ‘My next question has to be: are there any complaints anyone wishes to raise?’ This again was a standard question. He looked around the room and we all shook our heads. ‘Good. And Joss is up to date with her medicals?’

  ‘Yes,’ Amelia confirmed.

  ‘Exclusions from school?’ Mark asked, working his way down a list.

  Amelia briefly consulted her paperwork. ‘Yes, but it was recorded at the last review. Joss is on report now.’

  Mark wrote. ‘Has there been any more involvement with the police since the last review?’

  ‘Yes. I sent you the details,’ she said.

  ‘Thank you. Please continue.’

  Amelia said she was reasonably happy with the way Joss was settling in, that she saw Joss regularly and was in contact with Linda and Joss’s school. She said Joss knew
she could telephone her any time and that counselling was available when Joss felt ready. She would have updated Mark prior to the review, so with nothing more to add, Mark asked Miss Pryce to speak.

  Miss Pryce began positively by saying how pleased she was that Joss was now doing her homework, and she hoped she would continue to do some during the summer holidays. Joss pulled a face, but I nodded, confirming she would. Miss Pryce said Joss still had a lot of catching up to do, and although she’d begun her report positively it soon became clear that Joss did indeed have a long way to go. She read out some of Joss’s grades in a range of subjects and they were very low – Es and Fs – mainly because Joss had failed to complete many of the assignments. Her test results were no better due to the large number of lessons Joss had missed and was still missing, Miss Pryce said, which was all very disappointing.

  ‘But Joss is an intelligent girl,’ Miss Pryce said, ‘and if she applies herself in the new school year I am sure she can improve her grades dramatically. Next year is a very important one for Joss,’ she continued. ‘Her performance will largely determine which GCSE courses and exams she studies in the following year.’

  ‘What is Joss on report for?’ Mark now asked her.

  ‘Swearing at a member of staff, after returning late from lunch break,’ Miss Pryce said. ‘It was the last in a number of incidents, and Joss was originally going to be excluded because of it. Joss knows this is her very last chance.’

  Mark nodded gravely.

  ‘The school is very supportive of its students,’ Miss Pryce continued. ‘We have a good mentoring service, which Joss can access any time. I’m pleased Joss is more settled here, and I am hoping that in September she will return to school ready to work and achieve what I, and other members of staff, believe she is capable of.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Mark said. He finished writing and then asked if anyone wanted to add anything to the review, but no one did. He set the date for the next review, thanked us all for coming and closed the meeting. It was now after six o’clock and understandably Jill, Amelia, Miss Pryce and Mark were eager to be away. I saw them to the front door while Linda stayed in the living room with Joss. When I returned I offered Linda a cup of coffee or tea, hoping she would stay and have a chat with Joss, but she said she had to go as Eric and Kevin would be wanting their dinner. The mention of Eric was enough to spark Joss to flare up at her mother. ‘Sorry for taking up your time!’ she snapped sarcastically. ‘But this is my life we’ve been talking about. The one you and your precious Eric have fucked up!’

  Joss jumped up from where she’d been sitting next to her mother, and with eyes blazing stormed out of the living room and upstairs. Linda sighed heavily. ‘Sometimes I can see the advantage in doing what Steven did,’ she said. ‘End it all.’

  ‘No, don’t say that,’ I said.

  ‘Don’t worry, I wouldn’t. But I do wonder what I’ve done to deserve this. Perhaps I should do what Joss wants and leave Eric, but what a dreadful decision – my husband or my daughter. One thing’s for certain, I can’t take much more.’

  She stood, and with a very heavy heart, I went with her to the front door.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Turning Point?

  Later that evening, when Joss was in her bedroom, I went up and tried talking to her about how unhappy she was making her mother, but she wasn’t moved by my words. ‘She brought it on herself,’ she said coldly. ‘She didn’t have to marry that creep, so don’t blame me.’

  ‘I’m not blaming you,’ I said. ‘But try not to be so hard on your mother, please. She has feelings too. She thought marrying Eric would give you all a family life again and make you happy, or she wouldn’t have done it.’

  Joss sneered.

  ‘Joss, your mother is so miserable about what’s happened that she is even considering leaving Eric, if it would help.’

  ‘But she hasn’t, has she?’ Joss retorted sharply.

  I could see I was getting nowhere, so I asked Joss to think about what I’d said and to try to be more considerate of her mother’s feelings in future, then I left her to listen to her music before she got ready for bed.

  That night Joss had a nightmare, and as usual when I went to her room she was half asleep, sitting up in bed with her eyes closed. She was mumbling something about ‘mummy’, which was hardly surprising given that I’d been talking to her about her mother in the late evening and she’d seen her at the review. It must have been playing on her mind. I sat on the bed and began talking to her gently before easing her onto the pillow, but instead of returning to sleep, she suddenly sat up in bed, making me start. Her eyes were open and she focused on me.

  ‘Are you awake, Joss?’ I whispered.

  ‘Yes. I wish my mummy and daddy were still together,’ she said sadly.

  ‘I know you do, love.’

  ‘If Daddy had stayed, we’d all be happy,’ Joss said quietly. ‘Why didn’t he stay? Didn’t he know we loved him?’ In the half-light I could see tears glistening in her eyes. I felt so sorry for her.

  ‘I’m sure your daddy knew you all loved him,’ I said. ‘His death had nothing to do with how much you loved him.’

  ‘But if he was that unhappy, why didn’t he tell Mummy or me?’ Joss asked. ‘I always told him when I was sad and he made me happy again. We could have made him happy so he didn’t have to die.’

  I swallowed the lump rising in my throat.

  ‘Sometimes when an adult is very unhappy they become depressed,’ I said gently. ‘They can’t find a way to ask for help or tell anyone how they are feeling. Sometimes a very depressed person can do something without thinking about the consequences. I’m sure that if your daddy had thought about the effect his death would have on you all, he wouldn’t have done what he did.’ Suicide must be unfathomable to a child; I wasn’t even sure I understood it.

  ‘Do you think Daddy thought about us when he tied that rope around his neck and hanged himself?’ Joss asked. I went cold deep inside.

  ‘We can’t know that, love,’ I replied honestly. ‘But if he did think of you I’m sure they would have been nice thoughts, comforting thoughts. From what your mummy has told me, your father was a good, kind man and a caring husband and father. He loved you all very much and I think you must try to remember that and all the happy times. Many of the children I’ve fostered have never had a happy family life at all. They don’t have happy memories, just painful ones. At least you have some happy memories.’ My voice trailed off. I was choked up.

  ‘I wish he was still here,’ Joss said.

  I took her hand in mine. She didn’t resist. ‘I know you do, love. You miss him, and that’s natural. But I’m sure your daddy would want you to make the most of your life and be happy.’

  ‘Do you think he’s in heaven?’ Joss now asked.

  ‘If there is a heaven then I’m sure your dad is there.’

  ‘Do you think he can see me from heaven?’ she asked, as a much younger child might. I felt my eyes fill.

  ‘I don’t know, love, but if he can he will want to know you are doing all right, won’t he?’

  ‘Mum started taking us to church after he died,’ Joss said. ‘We never went before. She said it helped her feel closer to Dad. I think she still goes sometimes.’

  ‘Having a faith does help some people when they lose a loved one. Would you like to go to church?’ I asked.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ Joss said. ‘Daddy didn’t go to church.’

  ‘It’s something you can think about. I’m sure your mother would be pleased if you went with her, or I could take you to our local church. We go sometimes, but not regularly.’

  ‘Zach thinks religion is a load of nonsense,’ Joss said.

  I didn’t comment, but I was pleased Joss was feeling able to talk to me. She was silent for a moment and I soothed her hand. When she spoke again her voice was flat. ‘When I think of my dad the first picture that comes into my head is of him hanging in the garage. Sometimes I can force th
at picture out and force another one in, but the first one never completely goes. It’s like a ghost picture you can see through. It’s always there in the background. Even when I try to think of something really nice, like my birthdays and Christmas with him, I can still see his body hanging in the garage. It’s like the memory is haunting me.’

  ‘I understand,’ I said gently. ‘Counselling would help. Bad and sad memories can stay very vivid if they are not dealt with. You’re not the only one to feel this way. When someone has suffered a dreadful trauma, as you have, the painful memory can remain vivid and blot out the good memories. It’s not haunting you; it’s just the way the brain works. Counsellors are specially trained to help people come to terms with bad things.’

  ‘But I don’t want to talk to a stranger about my daddy,’ Joss said. ‘It’s personal and private.’

  ‘They wouldn’t tell anyone.’

  ‘Sometimes I talk to my daddy in my sleep. Like a dream, only more real.’

  ‘Does that help?’ I asked.

  ‘Sometimes, and just now I was talking to Mum.’

  ‘I thought so,’ I said with a small smile. ‘When I came in you were saying “mummy”.’

  ‘Was I? I was telling her about my dad and how much I love and miss him,’ Joss said. I thought this was positive.

  ‘Joss, if you don’t want to talk to a counsellor, what about talking to your mother?’ I suggested. ‘She would be a very good person to talk to because she was there with you. She knows the horror and tragedy of what you saw. She has suffered too. I know she would be very understanding and pleased to help you. She’s just waiting for you to ask her.’

  ‘But he’s there,’ Joss said, referring to her stepfather.

  ‘So choose a time when he isn’t there. If you tell your mother you need to talk to her, I know she will make time. She cares about you so much.’