Invisible Girls

by Patti Feuereisen

  In Where I Stopped: Remembering an Adolescent Rape, Martha Ramsey looks back twenty years to detail her experience of being grabbed off her bicycle on a country road and raped in the woods when she was fourteen years old. She was still haunted by the rape twenty years later, she says, and needed to write about it.

  In 2015 Chessy Prout, with the help of a journalist Jenn Abelson, published a book about her rape at St. Paul’s, a top prep school. Chessy Prout has made a difference with her story in helping teen girls fight sexual assault in high school by coming forward with details on her rape and the failings of her school to support her. She broke open the rape culture at her school and by doing so became an advocate sexual-abuse survivor.

  Finally, as a society, we are “getting it” that girls and women are still at risk, that rape is not rare but in fact rampant. Although most of the books I just mentioned are about stranger rape, perhaps the most widely misunderstood rape crime—both by the general public and by survivors themselves—is date rape. What makes date rape so confusing is that girls think they either should have or could have stopped it. On campus 90 percent of date rape involves alcohol or drugs. Although usually impossible to prevent, date rape is one of the only forms of sexual abuse that you may have a chance to prevent (see the strategies at the end of this chapter). It will take a posse of support, it will take not being drunk or stoned, it will take you and all your posse making sure your drinks are not tampered with. It stinks that you have to be so vigilant to prevent date rape. Remember: rape is rape, and it is never the survivor’s fault! One of our goals in this chapter is to give you some tools to protect yourself from date rape. And it all starts with looking at the harsh realities and facing the dangers that can come with dating young men.

  RAPE IS AN EPIDEMIC

  I feel like my bulletproof vest has been shot through a thousand times, and I try to hold on, but it is all a bloody mess.

  —a twenty-year-old date-rape survivor

  Girls and young women aged sixteen to twenty-five are at the greatest risk for date rape.3 In fact, research into date rape on college campuses tells us that between 20 and 25 percent of college girls experience or are threatened with date rape.4 But RAINN’s research also tells us that over 90 percent of campus rape goes unreported.

  When you move away from home to begin college or for work, you are still testing the waters. You’re figuring out who you are as an independent sexual being, and while you may want to revel in your new freedom and love the idea that you can party all night if you want to, you also have to be smart when it comes to sex and men.

  Some girls are more vulnerable to date rape than others. Girls who were abused as children and never dealt with it are at far greater risk of being date-raped. When you are sexually abused and don’t get help, the secret that someone sexually violated you still lives inside you and can eat away at you. You might still carry feelings of guilt or feel dirty inside. You might still be wondering, “Why me? I must have done something to bring the abuse on myself.”

  Depending on the kind of abuse you suffered, you might also feel as if you aren’t good for anything else or that you somehow deserve to be treated badly. Many of these thoughts and feelings won’t be conscious, but they will affect your behavior and your choices. That’s why it’s so important to talk about the abuse, write about it, tell a friend, get into a support group, or find a therapist. Even if the abuse happened years ago, you can get a lot of help and perspective by talking about it with trustworthy friends or adults.

  Talking about it, you begin to root out that secret and all the ways it may be diminishing you, and you have a far better chance of dealing with whatever may come your way, be it warning signs of an abusive relationship, an attempted seduction by a mentor, or an attempted rape while on a date. When you start talking and get some help, you have a much better chance of being strong and of choosing healthy relationships.

  Obviously, not all girls who were abused will be raped as older teenagers or young women, and not all girls who are date-raped were abused when they were younger. But there is definitely an important connection here, and we will be exploring the connection more fully in Iris’s and Dahlia’s stories later in this chapter.

  To all of you who are survivors of sexual abuse and are now attending college or moving into your own apartment for the first time, and finding work, hear this: The abuse you suffered was not your fault. It’s never the survivor’s fault. Sexual abuse is rarely preventable; most of the time there is simply nothing a child can do about it. Children are at the mercy of adults, and very often the path of least resistance is compliance. But that doesn’t mean it was your fault. You have to believe that.

  Many, many girls who survive sexual abuse but don’t tell, hold their secrets close, feel guilt, and may turn to drugs and alcohol for comfort. They find ways to self-medicate—anything to avoid feeling the pain of what they’ve been through. That’s often where their vulnerability lies—because drugs and alcohol impair our judgment. There are no two ways about it. If you’re used to getting high or drunk to numb yourself from an earlier abuse experience, you are less likely to make the safest choices when it comes to going home with a guy. You may think that you have no voice, no agency, that sex is something you don’t really have options about, that you have to take whatever the guy expects. Sometimes you may not even be aware that you’ve been raped. If someone forces himself on you when you say no, you may feel that’s just the way it is. That’s how out of whack unacknowledged, unhealed abuse can make you. You don’t even realize that you are entitled to something much, much better.

  IF YOU’VE NEVER BEEN ABUSED, ARE YOU STILL AT RISK?

  We’re hoping that girls who have never been abused are reading this, too. No matter how loving a family you may have come from, no matter how great and supportive your dad or brothers or uncles, you’ve got to understand: Chivalry does not exist, especially when it comes to young men. There is a strong rape culture on college campuses (more in Chapter 12). You cannot expect boys to protect you; you can’t count on them to respect your boundaries or to stop when you say stop. You need to be able to count on yourself.

  In my work I’ve spoken with hundreds of boys, and I can tell you what they tell me: when a girl is drunk off her ass and fooling around, “coming on to me,” these boys feel they have the “right” to fuck them. That’s the way they see it, girls—as their right.

  I know this sounds harsh. I have had lots of people tell me it’s not fair to paint all young men as potential predators. But I have to tell you the truth as I know it. Given the opportunity—the right time, the right place, with drugs or alcohol present—most young men could force themselves on a girl, especially if they feel they are being led on and believe the girl “wants it.” And remember that 96 percent of abuse is perpetrated by men. Again, our culture supports misogyny.

  Some enlightened young men do exist. We know that some young men volunteer to provide escort services to young women on college campuses. It warmed my heart to see and hear so many young men marching with women at the women’s marches. Men were chanting, “Whose body? Her body!” Even as the rape culture changes and some men are becoming enlightened, the trouble remains: all boys and men are exposed to the same movies, videos, and books as the rest of us. They are a part of the male culture that has its Humbert Humbert believing that Lolita “wanted it” when she was just twelve. They share the same locker-room mentality, where boys put another notch on their belt for every girl they fuck. That makes them the “mac daddy.” This sexual violence against women will change only when men join the fight. According to Donald G. McPherson, the executive director of the Sports Leadership Institute at Adelphi University in New York, an organization reaching out to male youth, “Boys and men must be involved in the fight against violence toward women because men are the perpetrators. As long as they perpetuate misogyny, there will be violence against women.”

  That’s where the danger lies for girls. You may enjoy looking
sexy, you may want to be sexual, and you may be turned on by a guy. But if you don’t want to have intercourse with him or give him a blow job, you can’t count on him to respect you when you say no. You have to be prepared for this male-entitlement mentality that says, “She asked for it.” Of course you have the right not to have sex; you have the right to draw your own boundary lines. You may really enjoy kissing, touching, and holding, but if you don’t want intercourse, don’t go off drunk or stoned with a guy. Accurate statistics on rape are hard enough to come by and of course fluctuate from year to year, but the National Crime Victimization Survey kept by the US Department of Justice each year tells us that the vast majority of all reported rapes occur between people who know each other. You have to be smart about things and be prepared to protect yourself.

  Unfortunately, there is an increasing number of women who blame women for date rape—for not being savvy enough to stop it. For all the awareness that has grown up around rape over the past several years, there is a real backlash, too. Katie Roiphe, the daughter of renowned feminist Anne Roiphe, has written books and articles and has been all over the Internet with her message that girls on college campuses must be asking for it if they are raped. She says it’s your fault. In her book The Morning After, Roiphe casts doubt on the idea that young women mean no when they say no. She claims that no is sometimes part of the mating dance and that you can’t ask a boy to understand the difference between a no that means maybe and a no that really means no. Recently, there have been many stories online, on blogs, and on Twitter about girls being date-raped. Yet it seems, as one sex-abuse story comes out, one backlash story comes out as well. Be aware of the backlash against the #MeToo movement, claiming that girls and women lie, that now men can’t even hug a friend without being called a predator.

  Then there’s the old and disturbing saying “If you can’t stop the rape, you may as well lie back and enjoy it.” This type of thinking only fuels people’s woman-hating attitudes toward rape, and particularly date rape, and makes it that much harder to change public policy and the law.

  There is already so much misunderstanding about rape. There’s confusion about whether it differs from sexual abuse. There’s confusion about date rape versus stranger rape, and whether one is worse than the other. There’s confusion about whether a girl has a right to say no to intercourse when she has otherwise been fooling around with a guy. There is confusion about whether you can be raped by your intimate partner. Some even say it’s not really date rape if you meet a guy at a party, hook up, and then he forces you to have sex with him.

  Let’s be clear here: Any time a woman resists having sex but is forced to do it anyway, that is rape or sexual abuse. Whether you say no, push the person away, cry, or try to run, if you are forced to have sex against your will, that is rape. And one way sex is against your will is if you are too drunk or stoned to even resist.

  Many girls ask me whether being forced into oral sex is rape. In my opinion and in the opinion of other professionals, the answer is yes. While this might not hold up in a court of law because the legal definition may be more restrictive, any forced sexual entry is rape. That means if someone forces his penis into your mouth or forces anything into your vagina or anus, it is rape.

  Let’s get to some myths and truths.

  MYTH: Rape and sexual abuse are different.

  TRUTH: While rape may occur as part of a longtime pattern of sexual abuse, rape can also be a one-time experience with a date, acquaintance, or stranger. Incest and other forms of long-term sexual abuse involve an ongoing relationship with the abuser and usually go on for some time. Sexual abuse usually involves coercion, false promises, or some kind of seduction. That said, again any forced sexual connection is sex abuse.

  Although after a rape you may have some of the same feelings of violation, as well as fear and shame, as you would after long periods of abuse, the two can cause different emotional scars. Sexual abuse by someone you know usually involves tangled issues of shame, guilt, and responsibility. Some of the aftereffects of stranger rape may be fear of the unknown, of the dark, of being alone, and a general mistrust of strangers, whereas incest causes a general mistrust of the people closest to you and of intimate relationships.

  MYTH: You can’t rape your own girlfriend or wife. That wouldn’t be rape.

  TRUTH: Rape does indeed happen between girlfriend and boyfriend, husband and wife. Men who force their girlfriends or wives into having sex are committing rape, period. The laws are blurry, and in some countries marital rape is legal, but it is still rape.5

  MYTH: Alcohol and drugs may sometimes be involved in date rapes, but not usually.

  TRUTH: According to Robin Warshaw in I Never Called It Rape, published in 1994, alcohol, drugs, or both are known to be involved in at least 75 percent of date rapes.6 In 2018 the National Council of Alcoholism and Drug Dependence stated that 90 percent of acquaintance rape and sexual assault on college campuses involves alcohol.

  MYTH: If a young woman comes on to a guy and wants to be sexual, she has no right to draw the line at intercourse or oral sex. If she’s flirting heavily, she’s “asking for it.”

  TRUTH: Just like young men, young women have the right to enjoy their sensuality and sexuality, including intense hooking up, and still say no to intercourse or oral sex. No one has the right to demand any kind of sex or coercion into sexual acts from another person, under any circumstances.

  MYTH: These days most rapes get reported.

  TRUTH: Very few rapes get reported.7 According to RAINN, as of 2018 two out of three rapes go unreported.

  MYTH: Rape is against the law, so if you report a rape, there’s a good chance that justice will be served.

  TRUTH: The laws are still in flux, and most rapists are put back out on the streets, even after many arrests.8 In December 2004, the Justice for All Act was finally passed. This law provides approximately $1 billion in funding over five years to eliminate the rape kit backlog and improve the collection and processing of DNA in solving more rape cases. It is also known as the Debbie Smith Law, named for a woman who survived a stranger rape and fought for more than fifteen years to get this law passed. Nevertheless, as of 2018, RAINN reports that, out of 1,000 rapes, 994 rapists will go free.

  MYTH: Having an alcoholic blackout means you pass out, so you wouldn’t even remember if you’d been raped.

  TRUTH: It’s true that you won’t remember anything that happened to you during an alcoholic blackout, but you don’t pass out. In fact, you could be wide awake throughout. Alcoholic blackouts are periods of intoxication where you may seem awake and alert but your brain is unable to form or store new information and experiences; in other words, you are out of it, even though your eyes are open.

  MYTH: Date rape drugs are hard to come by.

  TRUTH: Date rape drugs are actually remarkably easy to get. They are used to incapacitate you and make you prey to sexual attack, and they can take away memory, not unlike an alcoholic blackout. However, with date rape drugs, which are usually slipped into your drink and have no taste, you are passed out. You may wake up and have a strange sense that something happened or have no memory at all. There is also not just one date rape drug. The familiar name heard on the streets and on college campuses is “roofies,” short for Rohypnol, but you should also know that Ativan, Xanax, and Benadryl—all commonly found on college campuses and easily obtainable—are also used to induce a blackout for the purpose of date rape. There are almost a hundred slang names for these drugs, including mind erasers, forget pill, R2, bump, black hole, Special K, super acid.

  MYTH: Stranger rape is more traumatic than date rape.

  TRUTH: Generalizations like that are impossible to make. All rape is traumatic. Women who are raped will have approximately the same symptoms, both physical and emotional, regardless of the type of rape. Stranger rape may make a woman fearful of walking alone or taking risks, but date rape is a major betrayal of trust. Who’s to say which one is the more damaging? />
  THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN STRANGER RAPE AND DATE RAPE

  Stranger rape is a terrifying violation that leaves many women frightened not only of strangers but of all relationships. It can leave you feeling unprotected and unsupported by society, much as the incest survivor feels unprotected and unsupported by her family.

  The biggest difference between stranger rape and other forms of sexual abuse is that being raped by a stranger doesn’t usually cause the deep feelings of guilt and self-blame that come with being raped by someone you agreed to be with. With stranger rape, it’s much easier to understand that it wasn’t your fault. But that does not take away the deep feelings of violation.

  Another difference with stranger rape is that you usually fear for your life. There are more murders reported in random stranger rape than in any form of sexual abuse between people who know each other, whether incest, acquaintance rape, or date rape. In her book Lucky, Alice Sebold describes seeing a pink hair tie in the leaves on the floor of the tunnel in which she was brutally raped by a stranger at nineteen. She remembered that a girl had been raped and murdered in that same tunnel and felt “lucky” that she got out alive.

  One of my clients had a similar experience. When she was raped at knifepoint by a stranger who broke into her apartment, all she could think about was her baby daughter. She was twenty-eight at the time and had just returned from a class. Her daughter was at day care. The rapist, who had gagged her and tied her up before raping her at knifepoint, told her repeatedly that he would kill her if she did not comply. She was more afraid of being killed than of the rape itself.

  With incest, most girls know they will not be killed. They know the person raping them; they have a context. There is no context in stranger rape—just fear.

  While the statistics on stranger rape are little better than those for any other kind of sexual abuse—as with other forms, most women don’t want anyone to know—most professionals agree that stranger rape is reported more often than date or acquaintance rape because there is less self-blame and confusion about responsibility with stranger rape.