Invisible Girls

by Patti Feuereisen

  Three weeks after that meeting, I left the psych hospital. I had my new survival techniques (enemas, water retention) and felt a mixture of relief and terror that I had told. Even though I’d asked her not to, my mother told my father, and they insisted that I press charges. I told them that was impossible. I was too scared. I told them that the boys weren’t reachable anymore, that they’d graduated and gone to college and moved out of town. But my parents insisted.

  Before the boys were notified or any charges pressed, I was grilled by the attorney and everything got dredged up again, and I went into a major depression. My anorexia was in high gear because I felt all over again that all my power was being taken away from me.

  When we showed up for another appointment with the lawyer, I fainted and needed another hospitalization. This time I was put into a regular hospital, and my weight was “normal” at ninety-two pounds, so I was released with a sedative. I begged my parents to drop the case. They agreed.

  After the case was dropped, I made a deal with myself that I would keep myself so busy I wouldn’t have time to think or remember anything. I refused therapy. I became obsessed with track, school, and, of course, calories. Now I knew the price of going under the required ninety-two pounds. It was tricky, but I managed to maintain that “healthy” weight. I somehow finished high school with honors and got accepted into an Ivy League college with a track scholarship. I had put the gang rape way down deep into a dark place that I never went to.

  My first year at college went smoothly, and then, the summer after my freshman year, I got raped again. This time it was a date rape. The next thing I knew I was sitting in Dr. Patti’s office, with my roommate who brought me there.

  MY THOUGHTS

  The summer of her freshman year, Dahlia was out on a date with a guy she’d just met. She was nervous and had drunk herself into oblivion. They started fooling around a little, but when he wanted to keep going, she said no. This time she screamed. It didn’t matter. He raped her anyway. Dahlia waited a couple of days to tell, then she told her roommate, who was also an abuse survivor. Her roommate was one of my clients and brought her in to see me. We immediately began to peel away the layers of Dahlia’s traumas.

  It has been two years since that first session, and Dahlia still struggles with her weight. She is afraid of relationships with males, but at least now she has a good female friend, her roommate. Dahlia is still haunted that she never went through with the case against the sick boys who gang-raped her, but the truth is she is still not strong enough to do so. Not all girls have the strength to report their rapists or molesters. And that has to be all right, too.

  Of course, we all want to see justice done, but sometimes justice is served when a girl can sleep through the night without a nightmare. Although Dahlia still struggles with her eating disorder and still gets depressed, she has not been out drunk with a guy since her date rape. And in our last session she talked about accepting a date with a really nice guy she met at school. That’s justice, too.

  WHERE WILL IT END?

  Rape is an epidemic, and although the laws have gotten better over the years, they do not protect women from rape. Police follow-up on rape is terrible. According to the website and organization End the Backlog, there are hundreds of thousands of untested rape kits in crime labs and police stations. Survivors can take from four to six hours to complete the rape kit, and many of these courageous girls and women never receive any follow-up. Most rapists are never caught, and if they are they’re rarely prosecuted, and if they’re prosecuted they almost never go to jail, and if they go to jail they’re usually back on the street at the speed of light (see the Resource Center for more updates on rape kits).

  At this point, unfortunately, we cannot depend on the police or the courts to protect us from rape. And our culture doesn’t help. There is more pornography available now than ever before, not to mention the general “pornographization” of young women. It’s no surprise that the director of many Britney Spears videos is Gregory Dark, a well-known hard-core pornographic-movie director. The Britney Spears of the world are ever present, making it even more difficult for young women to actually enjoy being sexy without the shadow of explicit sexual provocation hanging over them. Women of color are especially depicted in sexualized ways. The rap and hip hop movement have perpetrated this sexualizing of young women through music videos where half-naked young women surround the fully dressed rapper, all vying for his attention. These young women are depicted as hungry for this man, and the sexy seduction is all they have.

  Young women have the right to love their bodies, to enjoy their sexuality, to connect love and sex. And many young women do. But there’s never been a greater need to be smart about it. It is not only men who are susceptible to those sexualized images. Boys are susceptible to sexualized images of young girls and are demanding sex at younger and younger ages.

  Again, there are boys and men out there who respect and champion girls and women. Feminist mothers are bringing up their sons to honor girls and women, and we hope that things are changing. Be clear that I am in no way blaming girls and women for date rape. That said, there are ways to be smart and to take steps to stay as safe as you can. Remember these pointers and pass them on to your friends:

  1. Keep your wits about you when you are out. Do not get stoned or drunk to the point of oblivion.

  2. When you do go out with friends, make sure they have your back. Always have one friend aware that you are partying, and take turns being on call for each other.

  3. If you are out partying and the guy you are with is also drunk or stoned, do not go off alone with him unless you are ready to defend yourself from a rape. That may sound alarmist, but let’s face it, girls, this is our culture. Of course, not all boys or men are rapists in waiting, but why play with fire when there are possible ways to protect yourself?

  4. Understand that alcohol and drugs impair your judgment.

  5. Never leave your drink unattended so that a drug could be put in it.

  6. Never go off alone with a guy you don’t know. It’s just not safe. If you meet a guy and like him, your best bet is to go out with him several times in a group before going anywhere with him alone.

  7. Make your intentions clear. If you are not interested in sex, let the guy you are with know that. Remember, you are entitled to set the boundaries on physical contact.

  8. Check in on your girlfriends to make sure they are safe. Help your friend if it looks like she is getting drunk and about to go off with a guy she just met—intervene and take her home. Build this sisterhood of strength and caring, and invite the good guys in too.

  9. Try to stay in a public place

  10. And, last but not least, do not blame yourself for date rape.

  As far as stranger rape goes, there is not that much you can do to protect yourself because of the randomness of the crime. Needless to say, you are less likely to get raped in the afternoon on a busy street than at 2:00 A.M. walking alone on a deserted street. Large parking garages are notorious for rapes, so always try to park in a crowded, well-lit, preferably outdoor lot. Walk tall and proud. Don’t be looking at your smartphone oblivious to your surroundings, or deep in conversation. Don’t look vulnerable. This cannot always prevent a random rape, but it may help. Take a self-defense class. This will make you feel more in control of your body. Some girls who have been date-raped even report that when they snapped to and became aware that they were being forced into sex, they had enough physical strength to push the guy off and get away. That said, during stranger rape, especially if he has a weapon, all the strength or self-defense skills in the world might not help you. But it can be very empowering to know that you have some skills to fight back if a guy is trying to force sex on you.

  Most importantly, be there for your friends. If your friend is raped, be there for her; but also be there to help each other to have a good time when you are out partying. Always have a designated girl to stay sober and be on the watch. Look out f
or each other, girls. Support each other, and enlist the good guys to stand tall with you. Know your agency, it is there!

  CHAPTER 12

  STOP CALLING US WHORES

  Prostitution Is Sexual Abuse (Ruby Rose’s Story)

  For many years feminist activists, politicians, and writers have been bringing our attention to the violence and exploitation prostitutes face every day. “Old school” feminist Gloria Steinem says, “Sexual violation—body invasion is much more traumatic than any other violation.” And yet there are young women who identify themselves pro-prostitution feminists who deny that prostitution is abuse and call it “sex work.” Pro-prostitution feminists believe that women choose sex work. And, of course, much of the male-dominant culture says that prostitution is a perfectly legitimate “choice” of profession for a woman.

  Meanwhile, as the debate rages, young girls and young women are being brought into “the life” of prostitution in a kind of national emergency. There’s no ambiguity about it: Putting a teenage girl to work selling sex or buying that sex from her is abuse, whether she seems to “choose” it or not. There’s simply no way a minor makes such a choice freely. It’s always about someone taking away her power.

  We hope that even third-wave feminists will agree that girls who are trafficked for sex do not choose to be prostitutes. Yet a large majority of prostitutes were originally sexually trafficked. As we will learn with Ruby Rose, sex trafficking is when a girl is kidnapped and drugged, or lured and drugged. She is raped on average anywhere from six to thirty times a day. The pimps treat these girls as if they are rag dolls; the more drugged they are, the better. In 2006 the FBI estimated that more than 100,000 children and young women aged nine to nineteen were sex trafficked in the United States. In 2018 that number has risen to over 300,000. What has been a worldwide epidemic for decades, selling children—mostly girls—for sex, is now an epidemic in the United States. These are not only girls who are runaways, girls from broken homes, girls on drugs. Many of the teen girls who are lured into the world of sex trafficking are middle-class girls from caring homes. These are the same invisible girls who are on the soccer team, good students in college. These are girls from Texas, New York, Illinois, California.10 Ruby Rose was lucky that she was only abducted for two days before her aunt rescued her. Yet her life in prostitution began with sex trafficking.

  Carol Smolenski, an old-school feminist, founded ECPAT (End Child Prostitution, Child Pornography and Trafficking) USA in 1990 to stop sexual trafficking and to protect every child’s basic human right to grow up free from sexual exploitation and trafficking. Her organization is educating youth who are targeted by pimps. ECPAT USA is conducting workshops in New York City public schools, helping girls have healthy online identities and making teens aware of the predators online. Girls who are suffering sex abuse and are feeling desperate with no way out are easy prey for the sexual trafficker or the pimp abuser online (more in the Resource Center).

  Pimp culture permeates the sex trafficking industry. Men are making the money off the backs of teen girls. Some girls are abducted from the streets, others are lured with the promise of a new life, a fun life, an adventure. And, again, 96 percent of sexual predators and abusers are men, and that includes men who are paying for sex with teen girls and young women.

  When I wrote the first edition of Invisible Girls, I had been working with girls all over New York City, and few of them had been sexually trafficked or involved in prostitution. It is, frankly, an area I neglected with the first edition. But I’ve had the opportunity to work with the girls and staff of the GEMS program in New York City. GEMS, which stands for Girls Educational & Mentoring Services, works with young women prostitutes ages twelve to twenty-one, helping them get off the streets by providing services, including housing and court support. GEMS was started in 1999 by a young woman named Rachel Lloyd. Rachel was sexually exploited and abused as a teenager and has come through her abuse to thrive and help change the culture around prostitution. GEMS began at a kitchen table and now has funding and helps hundreds of girls. When I donated copies of Invisible Girls to GEMS, the feedback from the staff was that their girls felt just like the girls in the book. As I started to work with some of the girls from GEMS, I realized that each of these girls is just like any other girl who survives sex abuse, the same as any other girl whose mother rejects or disbelieves her, the same as any other invisible girl who is being sexually exploited and sexually abused. They are righteous and strong and resilient—and they, too, heal from sexual abuse.

  As I talked with more and more girls “in the life,” I knew these voices needed to be heard.

  One night about I was watching the news and saw a young woman talking about “sex work” in Colorado. She was claiming to feel “empowered” as a sex worker and talking about how she “chose” to do this work. My jaw dropped practically to the floor. This young woman had been a client of mine more than ten years earlier, when she had been raped by the telephone repairman—but even then she had insisted that she had wanted to give him a blow job and that it was not rape. She was fifteen years old, and he was in his thirties. She had also talked about an uncle who had molested her years before.

  She was very resistant to therapy and to my strong insistence that she’d been abused by the phone repairman. I urged her to report this dangerous predator. She told me she would never return to therapy, and she didn’t. When I told her parents, they seemed fairly indifferent. I called the phone company and reported it, but they said without any corroboration they would not do anything. I tried to reach out to her several times, and then she and her family moved out of state and I never saw or heard from her again. Until that night ten years later when I saw her on TV talking about her “sex work.”

  It’s no wonder the whole issue gets kind of murky or that it gets whitewashed. Popular culture uses the word pimp quite freely: People pimp their cars, their rooms—a song called “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” won a Grammy Award in 2005, for heaven’s sake. Some self-identified third-wave feminists are contributing to our numbness, arguing, as I mentioned, for the use of the term sex worker instead of prostitute, to give the work a kind of dignity. But, in my view—and the view of the girls I speak to who have been “in the life” and the staff who work with them and the lawmakers who are changing the laws to protect them and the activists out there on the front lines trying to change the culture—there’s nothing all right about teenagers selling their precious bodies for sex. It’s degrading work, with men buying the right to invade a girl’s or woman’s body and play out their own, often-violent fantasies on young women, many of whom are the age of their own daughters!

  We are numbing ourselves to the reality that pimps and johns are predators—and abusers—and they are taking very young girls and putting them directly in harm’s way and serious life-and-death danger. Girls in prostitution generally won’t surface for a statistical study, but I often hear anecdotally from the girls “in the life” that almost all of the girls who go into prostitution have been sexually abused. Of course, we also know from Sage’s story in Chapter 8 that many topless dancers are also survivors of sexual abuse. It’s not girls’ instinct to sell their flesh. Girls and women do it because they’ve been so degraded by other life experiences that this seems, somehow, the best option—or the only option.

  Other feminists are bringing to light the reality that prostitution is sex abuse. In her anthology Prostitution, Trafficking, and Traumatic Stress, psychologist and anti-pornography/anti-prostitution activist Melissa Farley interviews women who have left “the life,” and most of them claim a history of sexual abuse. In her book, feminist theorists, psychologists, and researchers all draw the same conclusion: prostitution is a form of sexual abuse, such violent crimes against women are all part of a male-dominated culture, and prostitution is basically for the profit and pleasure of men at the expense of women.

  And remember that these studies reflect the experiences of women in their twenties, thirties
, and older. Here we are talking about teenage girls, invisible until they are picked up and arrested and treated like criminals for prostituting. In 2008, New York State passed a Safe Harbor for Exploited Youth Act, which decriminalized prostitution in children under eighteen. Activists at GEMS led the fight alongside feminists and politicians and lawmakers. Now local districts are required to provide crisis intervention services, community-based programming, counseling, and emergency services as well as long-term housing solutions for exploited youth. What this bill recognizes is that these children are “victims,” not criminals, and that we as a society are responsible for providing them with basic social services. This bill will save the lives of many invisible girls “in the life.” In 2016 twenty-eight states have enacted this law. The 2016 statistics show that 93 percent of sex-trafficked youth are females fourteen to seventeen years old. The statistics of sex-trafficked girls and of prostitution are almost identical.

  SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER

  As I listened and learned about the lives of young prostitutes, it became so clear: The fifty-year-old man who pays for sex with a sixteen-year-old prostitute is not so different from the uncle who gives his niece expensive gifts for sex. The man who repeatedly rapes his daughter or stepdaughter under the threat of denying everything—or worse—is no different from the pimp who keeps girls working for him under the threat of injury—or worse.

  In this country, we don’t lock up johns, we lock up prostitutes. That tells us pretty much everything we need to know. Perhaps these men are not going home and molesting their daughters, but how much better is it that they’re paying for sex with girls of twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, or sixteen? At the time that then– New York governor Elliot Spitzer was caught up in a prostitution ring, his own daughters were fifteen and seventeen years old. The prostitute he was caught with was nineteen. What makes his story even more tragic, for all of us, is that Spitzer, as attorney general (prior to becoming governor), was responsible for breaking up several large prostitution rings and was one of the most outspoken political advocates for changing laws to punish johns and pimps. He devastated the violence-against-women movement when he was caught himself. With a nineteen-year-old.